cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) I have been married for 6 years and my husband is in the navy. We have a daughter thats gonna be 3 this year. When I was pregnant with our daughter I would see him one every 8 months or so. He is always away and never part of mine or her life, I feel like he is a holiday daddy even tho he is very attentive when he is around, which is not much. We separated last year for a few months, and I met this guy that I really liked.. I told the guy I was still married and he didn't seem to care much. I ended up sleeping with him once, before he went away to Europe, he is also in the navy. I have find out I was pregnant and knew it was the other man. I could not contact the other man because he was gone and out of desperation went back to my husband. He thinks is his kid but he treats him and my daughter very different. Does not give my son much attention at all. Since them I have reached to the other man (he has find me and contacted me trough social media and apologized for despairing) I decided to tell him and have done a DNA test and it is his baby. I am now separated from my husband and I want to divorce him and tell him the truth as I can't leave like this anymore. I like the other man and he is currently paying me child support to help with expenses. In my conversation with the other man he has mentioned things like "if I marry you" and that he is buying a house and want to settle down. I have met with him a few times over the past month but only for a lunch out with baby or to talk, nothing romantic happened ever since. He also mentioned a few times that he doesn't want to be that man that breaks a family and that we should try to keep what I have. I guess he is confused. I don't know what to do or what to expect, I just want whats the best for my son and believe the other man has better qualities and will make an amazing father for my kids. What to do? Edited August 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and moved to S&D Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 So I guess my question is what to say or do to let the other man know I want to be with him (I told him I am not looking for romance with him a few times) and I want him to be in the baby certificate and he agreed with that but my husband has to agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I just want to be clear here. 1) You have one child with your husband and one with the OM; OM knows, hubby does not. 2) You do not love your husband or have romantic feelings for the OM. 3) You want to leave your husband and be with the OM because you think he will be a better Daddy to your kids. With that understanding here is my advice. 1) Tell your husband that the boy is not his. I suspect he knows, as he treats the child differently, so you may as well come out and tell him especially since you want the other baby daddy to be a step parent to his daughter... 2) Do NOT get involved with your son's baby daddy if all you are doing is using him as a source of financial support - he wants to marry you and have a family but you don't love him. How is that healthy for him, you or those kids? How is playing house with someone who does not fill your emotional needs not just setting yourself up to have an affair when you meet someone you DO have romantic feelings for? 3) Consider using birth control until and unless you have met someone you love and wish to marry and expand your family with. You've got a tough road ahead of you but I think your number one priority needs to be telling everyone the truth so that the baby daddies in your life can make choices for themselves. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 Thank you for your reply. Maybe I wasn't clear on my post. I do have romantic feelings for the OM and think very high of him. I cannot stop thinking about him. I didn't want to scare him away when I told him about the baby, so I told him I did not wanted a romantic relationship with him even tho I do have feelings for him and he doesn't know. We go out for lunch and talk but haven't have any physical contact with him since the baby was conceived. Reality is I care for him very much and do not want to scare him away. I don't know if he has feelings for me. I don't know if he wants to be with me. He does says this things like "if I marry you" but back up when I say I am divorcing my husband, and say we should try to keep what I have, he doesn't want to be the one that destroys my family, etc.. maybe out of guilt. How to make the OM understand or think of me as a possible wife without scaring him away? I plan to tell my husband soon, I haven't seen him in 3 months. I did tell my husband I don't love him anymore and I want a divorce. I also want to have the OM on his birth certificate. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 If one of your primary complaints about your husband is that he is always away due to his naval duties, then how is your baby daddy any different as he is also in the navy and also spends long stretches of time away from home? Wouldn't you just be trading one situation you dislike for the exact same situation... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Here is my few pennies. I think you need to start dating guys who are around more. Hubby is in Navy and you got lonely and think of him as "part time" family man. So you go and hook up with another guy who is also in the Navy and will be away a lot and be "part time"... What I am about to say sounds cruel. However. I think the other guy slept with you for a bit of fun. I think he is only considering what the future may hold because he feels some form of obligation to a child that may be his. After all if he gets bored with you there is always another town and another woman because that is his job. Granted not all sailors are like this but... What you should do. Shut up. Your husband is going to be hurting enough already. Get the DNA test done on the quiet just so you know for sure. Stay away from your husband. Stay away from other bloke. Sort your head out and learn how to be you, on your own with no romantic interest. Concentrate on your children. Then when you are more stable in your emotions, there is no more dramas then, start to date LOCAL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) Other man LEFT the navy since finding out about his son and is opening his own business.. told me he wants to settle down and understands that's not how a family should be. My husband told me the same he was gonna move me to a place closer to him but never follow trough with what we planned. Feels like he likes to be away. I loved my husband very much but lost all my trust and respect after finding out about a lot of lies. I was very disappointed on my husband and I was SEPARATED when met the other man. Edited August 26, 2016 by cutebunny Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I'm not here to pass judgement or litigate your actions. That's between you and your husband, so being separated is neither here nor there. What is important though, is that you make the best decisions with your children in mind because ultimately, that is what is important. Your desires ought to take a back seat to their best interests. In your case, I would suggest you tell your husband the truth about your son, and then divorce him as planned. Then I would make sure the baby daddy is legally recognized as your sons father, that way he will have to live up to his financial responsibilities. Do not pursue a relationship with your baby daddy. That looks like a dead end. Take some time for yourself and clear your head, and then move on. Give your children the stability they deserve. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Oh, and 1 more thing. If baby daddy wanted to be with you, he would be pursuing you. Is he doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 In a way, he is helping financially, I met him 3 times last month but I don't think he is gonna make a move as I am still married. Also this is very new for him. He is back on his home country to open his own business and buy a house, and tell his family about his son. He told me he will see me again by the end of the year. I know he is a very responsible man and think he is cautious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 also he just find out about all of that last month. Baby is 7 months but I didn't manage to talk to him before. Only told him because he contacted me on social media Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 also he just find out about all of that last month. Baby is 7 months but I didn't manage to talk to him before. Only told him because he contacted me on social media Did you get back together (sleep with) with your husband to cover up the pregnancy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 No,I did not... husband is just turning blind eye I think Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I told the guy I was still married and he didn't seem to care much. I ended up sleeping with him once, before he went away to Europe, he is also in the navy. In a way, he is helping financially, I met him 3 times last month but I don't think he is gonna make a move as I am still married. The two statements in bold do not match up. He didn't care that you were married when you slept with him, but now a baby is involved, suddenly he is concerned for your "marriage"? As you've said yourself, he is pushing you to stay with your husband. He seems content to allow your husband to raise his son. The kink in his plan though, is that you seem to actually see a future with this guy and you do not want to stay with your husband. That is likely problematic for your baby daddy, so he may just try to string you along to keep you happy and to keep things quiet on his front. He'll throw a bone your way once in a while (ie. "if we get married") to give you hope so that you meekly follow along and don't blow his situation up. Like I said before, if he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen... there are no excuses or mitigating factors. If he was man enough to impregnate a married woman, then surely he is man enough to pursue her if he wants her. That is my opinion at least. Sometimes people do not see the forest for the trees. From the outside looking in though, going by what you are saying, it seems to me this guy wants nothing to do with you. Has he seen his son or asked to spend time with him? In regards to the financial help, I strongly urge you to formalize it via the court system. He may pay a little now and then, but what will you do if he stops paying altogether and disappears? One last thing, about lies. You are mad at your husband for his lies, yet for 7 months you have been telling him the most monstrous lie of them all. I hope the irony is not lost on you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 @malvem99 I know I can see a future with him but he doesn't know that. I never told him anything or expressed any of my feelings. I actually told him I do not want to have any romantic relationship with him. He is the one that found me, he is the one that message me. I told him after a few months because I tough that was the right thing to do. He did spend time with his son and looked really happy around him. He also told me knowing that he has a son "changed" him and that he wants to settle down and a family. SO... you think he is saying like he wants to settle down with someone else after finding out he has a son? I found that unlikely.. as he told me he doesn't have a girlfriend and is single I feel like every time I see him he is more comfortable and into the situation.. I agree with you in a way that he might want my husband to stay but at the same time he wants to be part of his life... He gave me a good amount of money in a envelope ($3.000) last time I saw him and is giving me $1.000 every month. He has guaranteed me he won't desapper ... Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Words are easy to say cutebunny. Consistent actions though do not lie. I wish you the best of luck in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 thank you for your kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I know I can see a future with him but he doesn't know that. Seems like an unrealistic and over-optimistic statement considering the short amount of time you've actually spent together. Why not spend some time finding your own way and identity? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 Are you accepting child support from your husband for a child that you know isn't his? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 We have a child together Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 @Mr. Lucky I have always been very optimistic person, thats just the way I see life Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 We have a child together I understand that... But you haven't answered the question. I assume your husband is paying you child support for both children? And you're also collecting child support from baby daddy? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 OM doesn't want you to break up your family because he has no intentions of marrying you. He'll be gone soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 that only time will tell.. I will post back in a few years, my gut tell me he is not going anywhere Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutebunny Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 @Frogwife what do you think you sound like a reasonable person Link to post Share on other sites
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