Newly Separated

[djgenesis]

Hi all. This is my first post so it may be a little long. I am a 33 year old professional in NC. My ex and I recently separated. We were married for almost 11 years and have 3 kids (11, 9, and 2). I find myself accepting the separation and eventual divorce without many issues, but my anger is growing.

 

Basically, we got married very young. She was 18, and I was only 21. We had kids very early in life. Maybe this was the demise of it all, but I manned up and did what I was taught: love and care for your family. Fast forward about 4 years and she cheats on me. I forgive her, we move on. Over the years, sometimes I would still think about the affair and get upset. She told me the reason she finally wanted to divorce was because I took too long to get over her affair. She just told me this last night.

 

Is that a legitimate reason? I mean not that it really matters, but I loved and cared for her and our kids my whole adult life. She never worked, I provided everything. I feel used. I put her through school. Bought her a boob job. She just changed. Got really snoody and acted mightier than others. She's really just a girl from a poor broken home in the mountains. Not hurt so to say, but just really angry that I did everything that a man is supposed to do, yet I feel like I get **** on.

 

Anyhoo, we're 2 months into this merry-go-round. We just filed our papers with the court system last week. Basically, I am covering all child care costs and she is handling her bills. Everything's in my name. I gave her the Jeep, but she has not secured financing yet. Cell is still in my name, but she is paying me for it. Insurance, still in my name. I just want to rid myself of this leach. No alimony. Not sure how to proceed. Dating? Who knows at this point. I'm still young and enjoy life, but it's just weird at the moment.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

She told me the reason she finally wanted to divorce was because I took too long to get over her affair.

 

Is that a legitimate reason? I mean not that it really matters, but I loved and cared for her and our kids my whole adult life.

 

 

I'm sorry djgenesis that you are going through losing your Beloved Bride. That hurts....how do I know? I lost my Beloved Bride too. Our stories are different, but we wound up at the same place.

 

It really doesn't matter how good you provided, how faithful you were, how handsome you are.....when someone wants to be set free, they won't be content until they are set free.

 

I'm not able to give advice on divorce, since my religious convictions won't allow me to go down that pathway, but there will be many on this board that can give you advice.

 

My advice will be more towards Accepting that this happened. Maybe you could have done more, but DO NOT beat yourself up!! Your bride is now looking for excuses to leave you. She can not leave someone she is in love with, so she will start arguments, she will make things up OR she will keep track of your wrongs.....in other words, she won't truly forgive you if you hurt her. And after a period of time, she will easily, and without much emotion, be able to leave you.

 

Men can do it to their wives.

 

Wives can do it to their husbands.

 

Happens every day in the entire world, not just here in the US.

 

If you like to read, google Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. There are used copies available really cheap from Amazon.

 

This book will NOT help you get your spouse back. But it should help you see the patterns that lead to separation and divorce. She is the "initiator" and you are the "partner."

 

If I would have read the book early on, I would have acted differently. I would have most likely let go much sooner than hanging on, trying to fix whatever seemed to be broken. I was trying to stay together, and she was trying to get O.U.T. Haha, needless to say, it was not a fun time for me, and I'm sure it wasn't fun for her either.

 

Your wife MIGHT be an evil, narcissistic monster that is intent on destroying you. But I doubt it. She has changed, she wants out. And in our great country, she is allowed that option. It stinks, but it's reality.

 

Now, let's talk about your anger. That is normal. Google 5 stages of grief. And yes, you must grieve the loss of your Beloved Bride, the loss of dreams, and the loss of your best friend, the loss of companionship, etc.

 

Anger is one of those stages. Don't try to stop the anger....anger is just an emotion, just like crying is an emotion. BUT, you can stop any "Sinful Anger" --- what I mean is you can stop yourself from intentionally hurting her or hurting yourself. If you can learn to be thankful for the years she shared with you, if you can understand that she needs out, then I'm sure you will recover a lot quicker than if you become bitter and try to get back at her.

 

Think like this: What if you were the one that wanted out?? You would not want her to bust your car windows, post stuff on facebook, etc. You'd want her to accept it, and move on. So, go through the grieving process, but don't get stuck.

 

5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

 

Wishing you well in this Journey of Life.

Edited August 26, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Jeff1690]

Sorry you are here. I imagine now that she has finished school that she has a new job, is this correct? Maybe she feels with her new body enhancements and education you are not good enough.

 

My soon to be ex-wife seems to have gained the attitude that now that she makes double what I do that everything I ever did as a provider is moot. She says we never do anything, though she is a workaholic, and canceled dates and trips because she was to busy.

 

Maybe your wife now seems to disrespect your station in life regardless of what you did to raise her's. As far as her saying you didn't get over her affair as the reason is bull. She is selfish. She caused you great pain and expects you to deal with it instead of her healing you.

 

My wife too seems to think it is ridiculous that I kept questioning her about why she did what she did, and why she "suddenly" fell out of love and wants a divorce. Despite the fact she has given me no answers she feels she doesn't owe me any explanation, selfish.

 

Try to heal as best you can. What has helped me is reading here and posting my thoughts.

[Lowrider93]

She can give you all the excuses she wants, you know the facts.

She just thinks the grass is greener somewhere else.

 

As far as dating, proceed with caution when you think you are ready, I wasn't ready and got cold feet after finding someone I realized that I needed more time and space to evaluate what I want in a future relationship!

 

Now it's about doing what YOU choose to do, leave her behind in the dust.

[djgenesis]

Thanks for the replies so far. As far as letting go is concerned, I am past that. It just angers me to no avail to think that she is better than me. I have a high paying job, am successful, am currently in grad school, and am an absolutely wonderful father. My kids adore me and do not like having to split time with me at home and with their mother in her new house.

 

She is still finishing school. This is her last semester, and something tells me that she won't finish. She is trying to run for school board and has recently met a bunch of rich and influential people in the county. I think this has gone to her head. It was not long after she started this when she told me she wanted to leave. After all I had done for her, all the work and love and forgiving I had given her, I told her to not let the door hit her on the way out. I just don't like how fake she is now. People think she is this wonderful and innocent woman, but they don't know her. She is selfish and it is showing now more than ever.

 

Good riddance. I hold my head high. I can sleep at night. Like I said earlier, right now I am just dealing with anger more than anything. Oh well.

[Jeff1690]

People think she is this wonderful and innocent woman, but they don't know her. She is selfish and it is showing now more than ever.

yep, this is one of the things that piss me off. My wife up until this point has been one of the most honest and open person I have ever met. I have never known her to lie, until now and it was to me. I just want everyone to actually know what she has become. Man it pisses me off.

[djgenesis]

People think she is this wonderful and innocent woman, but they don't know her. She is selfish and it is showing now more than ever.

yep, this is one of the things that piss me off. My wife up until this point has been one of the most honest and open person I have ever met. I have never known her to lie, until now and it was to me. I just want everyone to actually know what she has become. Man it pisses me off.

 

Well at least yours was honest and open. Mine wasn't. Even worse now that she left. Whatever.