Ex says LC, LS says NC.. which to do?

[jakejackson88]

So I just bit the bullet and text my ex happy birthday as we were together over 4 years and broken up for 2 months.. and not much to my surprise she replied within the minute with a "awwww thank you:love:, how are you" So we text back and forth for a while and when I asked her what she got or if she got herself something and she said she wasn't in the mood to buy anything (odd, she was always a huge shopper) and that she was still very sad about everything. She asked if I met anyone and I told her I haven't found anyone that interests me, she said she knows the feeling.. that everyone she talks to are a$$ holes.

 

I am afraid to ask about reconciliation as I know emotions are still raw, so what do you guys and gals make of all this? from what I read on this site a lot of dumpers block on FB, change their numbers and ignore all contacts from the dumpee, none of which my ex has done.

 

Any input would be appreciated and thank you for reading

[LD1990]

Well, from your previous threads it looks like you've already asked her about reconciliation several times and every time, she ignores it or changes the subject. She has given you every indication that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Staying in contact with her is just holding you back - you're spending your time over-analyzing every text she sends and trying to find the right response. There is nothing you can say that's going to change her mind. She feels how she feels, and if she wanted to get back together, she would have told you.

 

When you talk about reconciliation, she ignores it. When you talk about meeting up, she says she'll let you know. She's politely brushing you off, but she clearly isn't interested.

[Blanco]

Don't conflate friendliness with a desire to reunite romantically. She's being cordial because you two have a history together and she doesn't hate you. That doesn't mean she wants to be with you again.

[Blanco]

Also, it's time to stop communicating with her. I know it's hard to break off that contact early in the going, but at the two month mark, you've made your intentions and desires clear. And, in a way, so has she in that she's rebuffed your attempts to get back together.

 

Further contact is going to keep you spinning your wheels and attached to her, while you over-analyze everything she says or does. She, meanwhile, will continue to further detach from the romantic feelings she once had for you.

 

You need to trust me and others on this: You aren't helping your chances by lingering around. All you're doing is showing her that she's got a platonic friend in you.

[jakejackson88]

I have ended the conversation with her on a positive note and wished her well, I will not be contacting her again after this. So do you guys see nothing in her responses to show that she still has any feelings left for me?

Edited August 3, 2016 by jakejackson88

[Blanco]

She probably has some feelings, but again, that's not the same as wanting to be with you. If it were, you two wouldn't be split.

 

Please, for your own sake, stop talking to her.

[bubbaganoosh]

You want to finally heal from the break up? Stop texting or calling her. All your doing is going back to square one again.

 

You'll never be able to move forward unless you cut the cord and move on.

[Densel]

You said you have read alot of sites for information.

 

Did any information told you to stop contacting your ex?

 

Look, you tried to reconcile but she is not giving you a chance.

 

You can keep sending friendly text and in return get friendly reply.

Or go all out to woo her.( i dont know what will happen)

 

Or fade away.( Heal, be a better person)

[BenDamage]

I know exactly what you're going through friend. The ex GF will be very friendly in our conversations, which are few and far between, but whenever the idea of getting back together comes around she always either goes quiet or just says "Not right now," because she's currently dating someone new. Also she always skirts around the issue of meeting up to see each other. Every time its "Maybe in a few weeks," or "Maybe sometime soon." She's done it 3 times when I've asked and I'm sorry, but 3 strikes and you're out. If you're not willing to make the attempt to see me, then I'm not (and you shouldn't) gonna put myself out there to get rejected yet again.

 

You ex probably still loves you in a certain way, but not the way you're wanting. Same for me. She still cares obviously, but not enough to want to see you or get back together or talk frequently (in my case at least). You shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, all it does is makes you seem desperate and needy when you keep asking. As if your happiness depends on her being your girlfriend and I'll be damned if I let someone get the better of me and you should feel the same way. It's an ego stroke.

 

Sure, it's nice to hear from them from time to time or see that they liked/loved a status or picture on facebook and it makes your whole day knowing that they cared enough to text or call or look at your facebook, but in the end, did that conversation accomplish anything? All it did was push you closer into the friendzone. You're someone she can confide in while she's still looking for other people. Don't be a doormat, believe me, it doesn't help at all. In my case, we've maybe talked 4 times since the break-up which was 2 months ago and the conversation is always the same:

 

"How are you?" "Good and you?" "Working alot, but I'm fine." blah blah blah and it always leads into talking about the relationship and me getting shot down once again because she just doesn't feel the same way as I do and she's hellbent on making this new relationship work.

 

The best advice I can give you is the advice I'm taking as well; cut contact. Move on to the best of your ability. Better yourself and work on the things you're currently capable of changing. I believe in the saying "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." and she'll find her way back. It's just not going to happen right now. I know it sucks and it hurts, believe me. But with time you'll feel better and you'll be in a better place physically AND emotionally if you take the time to work on yourself and contemplate the things you did wrong in the relationship so that maybe if you guys do get back together, you know what not to do and you can improve on it. Even if you don't get back together, some other very lucky girl is going to benefit from all your positive changes.

 

Best of luck man, I know exactly how you feel. Trapped in a web of 'love'.

[Blanco]

They've already broken up and gotten back together a couple of times. He sounds young. It's finished.

 

I'm of the mind that if you break up more than once, the relationship needs to be left to do on the operating table.

[ExpatInItaly]

They've already broken up and gotten back together a couple of times. He sounds young. It's finished.

 

I'm of the mind that if you break up more than once, the relationship needs to be left to do on the operating table.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

On-off relationships are not solid, lasting ones. There's a reason it's not working.

[jakejackson88]

Yes, we had already broken up and got back together once before (only after 7 weeks of not talking which wasn't long enough really). We are young, me being 28 her 31

[ExpatInItaly]

I read through some of your past threads, OP.

 

It doesn't look like reconciliation is in the cards, as she has blatantly avoided your questions about it, as recently as a couple weeks ago.

 

I think the "pokes" and random chit-chat are not much more than her not wanting to be on bad terms. She obviously cares about you but when push comes to shove (ie. you asking about your future together) she dodges. That's a pretty clear indication she doesn't see it, not at this time.

[jakejackson88]

To be honest I think it was way too soon to even talk about getting back together with her... I asked her about reconciliation 7 weeks after our current breakup because I figured that was the same time frame of our last breakup (5 months, the last 7 weeks of which were NC). I just figured if I give her 7 weeks she would be open to it, forgetting the last time it took 5 months total. I will leave her alone and see if she ever comes around. Something tells me she may someday, we had such a strong connection. She told me, and I know it to be true form her family, that no guy she ever was with in the past treated her a fraction as good as I did. I just had some rocky patches I need to work on correcting for myself.

Edited August 3, 2016 by jakejackson88

[Blanco]

Read the forums. The word "connection" seems to pop up in nearly every breakup thread. It's really more of a buzz word than anything else.

[jakejackson88]

So this morning I was feeling down and decided to go to the mall and while walking around I ran into my ex again (we live in a small town). I looked away for a second afraid to see her with another guy but she was there by herself and caught my attention as if to say why ignore me. We talked and again I could tell she was emotional. We told stories of people we had dated in the 2 months apart (nothing has worked out for either of us) and laughed at how much dating sucks. She was obviously emotional and I (being stubborn to know everything) asked her if she still loved me and had feelings for me. She said of course, we were together 4 years. I asked her if she saw us getting back together in the future as she didn't answer the question the last time I text her and she made a look like she couldn't easily answer the question but said "theres no telling what the future could bring, but she needs time" but questioned how with all the chances I was given by her to fix my issues in the past 4 years, why now after loosing her did I decide to change and was it even possible for me to change. She also said that she was giving up on dating and needs alone time as her job is stressing her out on top of her depression of ending things with me. She complimented me on how good I look, and how much my body has improved and I asked her if she wanted to walk the mall with me to which she with tears in her eyes said she needed to go home, she gave me a big hug and told me I should text her more often. I told her that she never reached out to me with a text or call so I figured she didn't want to hear from me, she said the reason she never reaches out first is because my actions are what lead to the ending of this relationship (100% true) and because of that she didn't feel that it should be her reaching out. I'm not sure what to make of all that, seeing her in a way made me both happy and sad.

Edited August 6, 2016 by jakejackson88

[LD1990]

I asked her if she saw us getting back together in the future as she didn't answer the question the last time I text her and she made a look like she couldn't easily answer the question but said "theres no telling what the future could bring, but she needs time"

 

You could wait until the end of time and she'd still trot out that same tired line. She doesn't want to get back together with you, but she also doesn't want to tell you that because she wants you around for emotional support and as a backup plan if she can't find anyone else.

 

and that she was giving up on dating and needs alone time as her job is stressing her out on top of everything else.

 

Sure she is. Exes have no problems lying to their former partners, so take everything she says with a massive grain of salt.

 

She complimented me on how good I look, and how much my body has improved and I asked her if she wanted to walk the mall with me to which she with tears in her eyes said she needed to go home, she gave me a big hug and told me I should text her more often. I'm not sure what to make of all that, seeing her in a way made me both happy and sad.

 

So she can't even take a walk with you but you should text her more.

 

Every time you contact her, every time you ask her about getting back together, she knows you're still her little lap dog who would do anything she asked. She may put on these crocodile tears and act all sad, but the reality is she's walking away from these encounters feeling great. If you ever want to get over her and move on, you have to stop talking to her. If you see her, you don't need to be rude, but standing around having these big emotional talks is doing you no good. Say hello and then make up some excuse about why you can't chat, the way she did when you asked her to take a walk.

[jakejackson88]

As far as the her giving up on dating, I noticed and she even told me that she had deleted the dating profile she had online. She does seem sad about ending the relationship, she had given me so many chances to show her more love and affection and I blew it. I honestly think breaking up hurt her every bit as much as it hurt me.

[Blanco]

None of which, even if true, means she wants to get back together.

[Marc878]

You should move on like she has. It's pretty obvious to everyone but you.

[mg101]

Read the forums. The word "connection" seems to pop up in nearly every breakup thread. It's really more of a buzz word than anything else.

 

Lol! How so?

[Blanco]

Lol! How so?

 

Go read just about any thread in this sub-forum where the relationship is described. Most have some allusion to a great connection or how "things were really great for the first few months."

 

When I think of having a connection with someone, it's a deeper, more visceral thing. It's sustainable. What most people actually mean when they're talking about this "great connection" is that they were spending time with someone where there was mutual attraction who they could do mundane stuff with like text dull stuff about their day.

[jakejackson88]

Any idea as to what would cause a girl who just got out of a 4 year relationship, to start serial dating (like going on dates every night with different guys every night). getting on a hook-up app, shacking up at guys places over night, letting her crazy new found life start to interfere with her job where her performance is now suffering (we work for the same company).

 

This girl was never the type to do anything of the sort, she was 100% committed in her relationship with me and it just started falling apart to the point she couldn't take it anymore and left me after many warnings (issues with lack of sex and affection). I know she became really depressed after breaking up, but she is totally not herself anymore. Its like she is a whole new person and not in a good way.

 

I am the ex and her family came to me worried as they can't get answers and I haven't even been in contact with her in the past 2 weeks, but the last time I ran into her she just seemed to be out of it. I know as a ex I shouldn't bother myself with such info but I still love her, and care deeply for her. She did this last time we broke up, which lead her to getting a d.u.i. and us getting back together after she said she "hit rock bottom and realized how much she still loves me". It seems she is on the path to rock bottom again.

Edited August 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Blanco]

Sorry but her life is no longer any of your business.

 

I don't doubt that you care about her but it's your romantic feelings for her that are fueling your emotional investment in her actions. Time to let go.

[carhill]

Apparently, the behavior pattern is how she handles emotional upheavals. Everyone is different.

 

Probably of little consolation but such content does indicate that she had, in some vein, an attachment to your prior relationship. Otherwise, her behavior, in general, would vary little from customary when in your past relationship. If she never really cared, whatever you experienced would simply continue unchecked as she moved on.

 

Her family should know her style better than anyone but apparently got to know and appreciate you in the past so checked in to see what's up. About all you can do is speculate but hey let them know things are over and you don't really have any contact so don't know what's up.

 

I would agree with the prior response that it's time to move on and end the analysis of her behavior. If you want to analyze something, analyze your own behavior, the lessons you learned from the past four years and move forward in your own life. She's one of billions now. Good luck!