How much damage does the divorce process itself do to the chance of reconciliation?

[benpom]

For us, I think we had a chance to reconcile in the beginning of divorce process.

 

But during the process, a few things has turned the crack of mistrust into grand canyon:

1. Lawyers' negotiation tactics are constantly making the other party feel taken advantage of.

2. Supporters are trivializing one party's fault and exaggerating the other party's fault.

 

Anyone experienced similar situations? Can people ever form trust again after a messy divorce?

[Arieswoman]

I don't follow this.

 

If you want to reconcile, then why divorce?

[salparadise]

No. People start out taking amicable, but as soon as one starts trying to gain advantage the gloves come off on both sides.

 

I told my lawyer we we're going to do an amicable divorce. He just laughed.

[PrettyEmily77]

OP, did you not realise how final the procedure was before embarking on it?

[benpom]

My husband initialized the divorce, not me. He was open to reconciliation in the beginning, but would not talk to me. As we moved forward in the legal proceedings, I heard from others that he is no longer open to reconciliation.

 

I have been making lots of compromises during the legal proceedings. Sometimes, I wonder he is really enjoying being put on a pedestal, and my compromises are making him even more reluctant to reconcile.

Edited August 26, 2016 by benpom

[benpom]

I am probably doing some over-analyzing, but I really want to keep the chance of reconciliation open in future.

 

We have children, and my older one frequently expresses her desire for us to get back together, sometimes verbally, sometimes physically (like dragging us). She expresses her desire to me more often than to her daddy, because her daddy has told her he hates mommy repeatedly, so my daughter is withdrawing from daddy verbally in this topic. I am also discouraging her from talking to her daddy about this topic too. I don't want to get her hopes up. But I secretly want to make her wishes come true.

 

The legal proceedings are not over yet. I am just being very careful in the steps I take to minimize the hatred between us (mostly hatred from him towards me). I am not sure we will ever get back together, but I want to keep it as an option. He might hate me too much to consider reconciliation. He used to love me very much, now he probably hates me by the equal amount, if not more. So there is a lot a lot of hatred. For me, I still love him, even though he broke my heart many times in our relationship. Forgiveness is not easy, but building trust is even harder. It's kind of hard to find a balance between making compromises and protecting myself. My lawyer has saved me from a few situations where I might have got in trouble by compromising too much.

[PrettyEmily77]

As difficult as it seems to you at the moment, it seems like your soon to be ex husband has made his choice. It would be better for your emotional stability to accept the situation as it is, and act now in your / your kids' best interests; that's what he is doing.

 

What brought your husband to file?

[benpom]

As difficult as it seems to you at the moment, it seems like your soon to be ex husband has made his choice. It would be better for your emotional stability to accept the situation as it is, and act now in your / your kids' best interests; that's what he is doing.

 

What brought your husband to file?

 

We were having lots of strains in our relationship half a year prior to divorce started. At that point, it was mostly his fault. We went to counseling, but the therapist made things worse. Seeing no hope of getting past the hurt, I felt trapped and lost temper. After some time, our arguments finally started to settle down. I thought things were getting better, but he already talked to a lawyer and he came to me asking for apologies and promises. I was still upset at him so I did not apologize, even though I knew I owed him an apology for not controlling my temper well. (By the way, I don't know whether the talk his lawyer recommended was to trap me to gain legal advantage or whether he was sincerely considering saving the marriage.)

 

I was in a very bitter state when we separated. Back then, I was contemplating divorce myself too. Lots of things happened between then and now have helped me to move past the bitterness.

 

I honestly don't know if I can ever trust him again for a few things he did during the divorce process. I don't know if he will trust me either. I am just keeping the reconciliation option open. Seeing my kids losing the resources and opportunities they could have and seeing them suffering from this situation is always bringing out tears from me. Another thing is that I realized our root problem was lack of communication. That's also what he said shortly before he filed divorce. So I think our relationship might be saved if we both want to.

 

It's probably too late. I would not want to put him in a miserable relationship just for kid's sake. I sincerely hope his life can get better. I want myself to have a happy relationship too although I am willing to stay in a mediocre relationship for my kids. At this stage, I am only trying to make things as amicable as possible.

[PrettyEmily77]

We were having lots of strains in our relationship half a year prior to divorce started. At that point, it was mostly his fault. We went to counseling, but the therapist made things worse. Seeing no hope of getting past the hurt, I felt trapped and lost temper. After some time, our arguments finally started to settle down. I thought things were getting better, but he already talked to a lawyer and he came to me asking for apologies and promises. I was still upset at him so I did not apologize, even though I knew I owed him an apology for not controlling my temper well. (By the way, I don't know whether the talk his lawyer recommended was to trap me to gain legal advantage or whether he was sincerely considering saving the marriage.)

 

I was in a very bitter state when we separated. Back then, I was contemplating divorce myself too. Lots of things happened between then and now have helped me to move past the bitterness.

 

I honestly don't know if I can ever trust him again for a few things he did during the divorce process. I don't know if he will trust me either. I am just keeping the reconciliation option open. Seeing my kids losing the resources and opportunities they could have and seeing them suffering from this situation is always bringing out tears from me. Another thing is that I realized our root problem was lack of communication. That's also what he said shortly before he filed divorce. So I think our relationship might be saved if we both want to.

 

It's probably too late. I would not want to put him in a miserable relationship just for kid's sake. I sincerely hope his life can get better. I want myself to have a happy relationship too although I am willing to stay in a mediocre relationship for my kids. At this stage, I am only trying to make things as amicable as possible.

 

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I'm not sure that staying in a mediocre relationship really is in the interest of your children, though. If you are both miserable in it, that can't be easy on the kids.

 

It looks like a few steps were taken before your husband filed for divorce, so on his end maybe he thinks that all avenues have already been explored and that divorce is the only way?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

[carhill]

Well, how many other folks have you sued or been sued by and remained friends or business associates or whatever?

 

What usually happens is folks cast around for another partner and have one or more relationships and then, emotional fallout processed, begin to, after a goodly amount of time has passed, like years, see their former spouse in a different light. This can be especially powerful if both spouses, here as co-parents, demonstrate moving on and not holding on to stuff that occurred during the D.

 

IME, the more lawyers are involved, well, heh. Let's just say they don't generally get those nice beach houses by encouraging folks to settle and compromise and be nice to each other. That's not an indictment, rather reality in any lawsuit. It's legalized warfare where the main casualty is one's wallet and occasionally sensibilities.

 

You'll get through it. Deal with the reconciliation option down the road. It might be there or it might not. Not is more common but anything is possible.

[benpom]

Thanks for clarifying.

 

I'm not sure that staying in a mediocre relationship really is in the interest of your children, though. If you are both miserable in it, that can't be easy on the kids.

 

It looks like a few steps were taken before your husband filed for divorce, so on his end maybe he thinks that all avenues have already been explored and that divorce is the only way?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

Yes, that's kind of his story. He told a friend of mine that he just does not believe I can change. He told another friend that he has not been happy in this relationship for a while. This part, I am indeed guilty of it. I was very judgmental and critical towards him. I did not really realize it, because that's also how I treated myself all my life until recently. For a few years, I was very busy taking care of babies and was kind of depressed without realizing it. Lack of sleep and being depressed for a long time also made me less forgiving. So little things that normally would not bother me would make me irritated. He was very understanding and he barely complained about my attitude. I was, still am, very thankful to him for being patient with me. He has reached the capacity he can take now. It was never my intention to make him suffer in the first place. Part of me was too busy to notice and part of me was too depressed to care. Part of me was still holding grudge towards him for things he said/did that hurt me. Subconsciously, I knew we were unhappy. But we both just kind of ignored it and hoped it would get better by itself.

 

I indeed need some more emotional stability. Sometimes, enormous sadness still hits me and I still have to make conscious effort to let go of the thoughts and try to focus on positive things. Some days, I feel I might just lose the strength. Then, I think of my children and tell myself to be strong.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yes, that's kind of his story. He told a friend of mine that he just does not believe I can change. He told another friend that he has not been happy in this relationship for a while. This part, I am indeed guilty of it. I was very judgmental and critical towards him. I did not really realize it, because that's also how I treated myself all my life until recently. For a few years, I was very busy taking care of babies and was kind of depressed without realizing it. Lack of sleep and being depressed for a long time also made me less forgiving. So little things that normally would not bother me would make me irritated. He was very understanding and he barely complained about my attitude. I was, still am, very thankful to him for being patient with me. He has reached the capacity he can take now. It was never my intention to make him suffer in the first place. Part of me was too busy to notice and part of me was too depressed to care. Part of me was still holding grudge towards him for things he said/did that hurt me. Subconsciously, I knew we were unhappy. But we both just kind of ignored it and hoped it would get better by itself.

 

I indeed need some more emotional stability. Sometimes, enormous sadness still hits me and I still have to make conscious effort to let go of the thoughts and try to focus on positive things. Some days, I feel I might just lose the strength. Then, I think of my children and tell myself to be strong.

 

I'd be very careful about taking the brunt of it on your shoulders, even if it's good to have some self-awareness. So he was patient; but did he help (other than financially) when he would see you struggle? Did he make it easier on you in anyway? You don't have to answer here but do you think the compromises made during your divorce are justified or fair? It seems he's not doing you any favours in this process - nor should you him, for the sake of your kids.

 

It may be that the relationship dynamics were what was making you so depressed. You can work towards letting go of the guilt and sadness you are feeling once out of the marriage for good - for now, keep your focus on making this divorce ss damage-free as possible, not in the view of a possible reconciliation, but in the knowledge and acceptance that this is the end for good.

 

It'll get better, OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll share a personal anecdote that relates to your situation, OP.

 

My partner's parents had a messy divorce when he was about 17 or 18. His mom wanted to reconcile, but his dad didn't.

 

Fast forward about 15 years, they in fact did reconcile. They actually got married again. They remained married until about 7 years ago, when they went through yet another nasty divorce.

 

Yes, they married and divorced each other twice.

 

My man has said many times that his parents never should have reconciled because they never resolved any of their problems the first time around. His mom has been an emotional basketcase for years due to the toll her broken marriages have taken and she's in her mid-70s now. You can imagine the strain at her age. His dad was the one to file in both cases.

 

I share this to highlight the fact that a broken marriage is broken for a reason. A less-than-amicable divorce generally underlines the the point that one party really does want out. And reconciliation is not always a great idea, especially in the interest of the children. My boyfriend has been clear that he didn't support his parents re-marrying each other, because he knew they weren't happy together and it caused too much strife in their and his life.

 

It sounds as though your husband really does not wish to continue the marriage.

[oldshirt]

. He was open to reconciliation in the beginning, but would not talk to me. .

 

Then he wasn't open to reconciliation.

 

Those two statements are contradictory. If one is open to reconciliation, then one must talk to the other person.

 

My guess is he was leading you on to make you think you had a chance at getting back together and being a happy family so that you would not go for his throat in the divorce.

 

In the mean time while he was leading you on trying to get you to put down your sword, he was sharpening his ax to get ready to go for the kill.

 

Someone can say whatever they want and say whatever the other person wants to hear, but their actions are always the reality. Once does not reconcile while they are moving forward with the divorce.

 

Stop believing words and start believing actions and behaviors.

 

If someone is filing for divorce, meeting with lawyers, gathering documents and statements, filling out paperwork, packing up their stuff and moving into a different home, refusing to meet with you and talk to you, dating other people, moving on with their new life ------ They are divorcing you and leaving you behind.

 

.....regards of what they say.

[benpom]

Thanks for sharing the insights!

 

It saddens me to read about the other marriages that did not work out, especially the second round.

 

I hope your man's mother can find content in life. That's something I heard from a support group. As life has been so cruel to her, I don't know how she can find content, but that's the only way to happiness and peace.

[benpom]

I share this to highlight the fact that a broken marriage is broken for a reason.

 

I agree with this very much. If two people don't get down to the root of their problem and commit to make changes in themselves, a second round is just a receipt for a bigger disaster.

 

Then he wasn't open to reconciliation.

 

Those two statements are contradictory. If one is open to reconciliation, then one must talk to the other person.

 

Thanks oldshirt for offering me insight!

 

I heard from someone else that he was no longer open to reconciliation after our first round of lawyer's involvement. He did not actually say he was open to reconciliation and he did not try to lead me on.

 

Regardless, I believe that we had no real chance for reconciliation from the very beginning. We were together for 10 years. He was unhappy for probably 4 years. I felt lonely quite a lot since the beginning. There was nothing I could do in half a month to change an opinion that's formed in 10 years. In fact, within that time window, I myself had not really figured out the root problem in our relationship. If we did get back together at that point, it probably would not have worked out.

 

Stop believing words and start believing actions and behaviors.

 

If someone is filing for divorce, meeting with lawyers, gathering documents and statements, filling out paperwork, packing up their stuff and moving into a different home, refusing to meet with you and talk to you, dating other people, moving on with their new life ------ They are divorcing you and leaving you behind.

 

.....regards of what they say.

Certainly right now all of his actions are saying he really wants to end this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for sharing the insights!

 

It saddens me to read about the other marriages that did not work out, especially the second round.

 

I hope your man's mother can find content in life. That's something I heard from a support group. As life has been so cruel to her, I don't know how she can find content, but that's the only way to happiness and peace.

 

To be fair, she did her share to contribute to the dysfunction. I hope she finds happiness too, but from the sounds of it, she was an active participant in the toxic dynamic.

 

Sometimes two people really aren't meant to be together.

[elaine567]

... while he was leading you on trying to get you to put down your sword, he was sharpening his ax to get ready to go for the kill.

 

^^^ this^^^

Sorry but it would be foolish to think otherwise here.

 

He has no intentions of reconciling, but you are pandering to him in the hope of reconciling.

Stop doing that as that is NOT in you or your children's best interests.

He is waging war, but you are rolling over like a little puppy hoping he likes you enough to give you a pat on the head.

He is going for your jugular, if you do not wake up and fight back, you will be left bleeding uncontrollably.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, there's always a chance, but it sounds like you did your share of breaking down the relationship in the pas. You say that he HATES you and it seems that there are legitimate reasons for this hate. He's moving on and forward. Why would you want to go back to an unhealthy relationship? He certainly doesn't.

 

I think minimizing damage is wise AS YOU PROCEED in the divorce process to finalize. You do this for your children as you discuss custody rights and visitations. Not in the hopes of you two getting back together.

[road]

I have seen many marriages end in divorce only years later they remarried each other again and had long lasting happier marriages.

 

 

So do not be afraid to divorce.

 

 

Though after you have pointed out that you heard he may want to reconcile and you have been caving in on the divorce settlement is one HUGE RED FLAG.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because I have seen to many husbands use this tactic/ploy to get a golden divorce deal pray on his wife's fears and emotions.

 

 

Stop the caving in and get everything that the law entitles you to.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have seen many marriages end in divorce only years later they remarried each other again and had long lasting happier marriages.

 

So do not be afraid to divorce.

 

Though after you have pointed out that you heard he may want to reconcile and you have been caving in on the divorce settlement is one HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Why?

 

Because I have seen to many husbands use this tactic/ploy to get a golden divorce deal pray on his wife's fears and emotions.

 

Stop the caving in and get everything that the law entitles you to.

 

...and please do NOT skimp on the child support! Remember that that is for your children, so do not feel guilty in any way to get what you can and what he can afford (provided he's being truthful about his finances). I've met a few too many single, divorced women who settled for far too little and are now working their butts off to support themselves and their children while the ex pays pittance or nothing at all.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

Anyone experienced similar situations? Can people ever form trust again after a messy divorce?

 

 

 

Benpom, I'm sorry you are facing this situation of losing your Beloved Groom.

 

Trust is freely given at the beginning of a relationship, but over time, the "trust bucket" can run dry....sometimes, it can be run dry very quickly. (Cheating comes to mind as a way to empty the bucket very quickly.)

 

Trying to refill that trust-bucket is hard work.

 

If you want to work on possibly reuniting, then google "Stander for marriage." You'll find some free articles to help you keep hope alive that you and your husband could reunite.

 

Due to my religious convictions, I'm not able to sign/file divorce papers, and even if my estranged wife files divorce, I still will remain single until "death do us part."

 

So you might think I'm 100 percent in agreement for "standing" for a marriage. But I'm not. Here's why:

 

The 5 stages of grief are:

 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

I think "standing" for your marriage keeps you stuck way back in the denial stage. I believe Standers are denying that their spouse WANTS to be free from them.

 

You can hope for reconciliation if you want, but just don't stay stuck in one of the stages.

 

I was happily married 20+ years with 6 kids all at home --- so when my wife left, I needed to redefine my role in life from husband/dad to Mr. Mom.

 

To me, true love sets a spouse free when they really want to be set free.

 

My suggestion is to set your husband free, thank him for the years he shared with you, and move through the stages of grief in order to rebuild your life.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

I think minimizing damage is wise AS YOU PROCEED

 

 

Exactly...this is good advice.

 

Intentionally hurting the other spouse just for the sake of getting back at them really benefits no one.

[planning4later]

Taking your "gloves off" in a divorce is one thing. Lying and falsely accusing is another. I was pretty sure I wanted divorce when the process started. By the end, after being falsely accused of spousal abuse and child abuse/neglect (both disproven in court), I was completely sure that I made the right decision. They say your true character comes out in crisis situations such as divorce.

[benpom]

To me, true love sets a spouse free when they really want to be set free.

 

My suggestion is to set your husband free, thank him for the years he shared with you, and move through the stages of grief in order to rebuild your life.

 

Thanks. Kind of my thought too.

 

I have plenty of internal conflict. Part of me wants to reunite with him, because I have realized the source of our problems and I believe we can solve our problems if he is willing to. I also want children to enjoy a family dynamic with everyone under the same roof. Part of me wants to set him free, because I don't know if he can forgive me and be happy with me again. Sometimes, I wish he can meet someone and have a happy relationship again, but at the same time just this thought is enough to give me heartache.

 

This grief really grinds my spirit. Lots of times, I feel stuck. Letting go is so hard. I don't really see the end of the grieving stage for me.

Edited September 3, 2016 by benpom