3.5 years wasted :(

[BTDT2012]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I do have every right to be here. He put me here.

It is absolutely driving me insane though having to live like this.

You put yourself there. Own your part in this. Start making plans to find another place to live. Learn from this experience so you never find yourself in this position again.

[cozycottagelg]

OP, don't do this. It is called blackmail and it is illegal.

 

Ask MM if he planning to kick you out.

 

It is not illegal to tell a wife that her husband has been cheating on her for the last several years.

[Rikki67]

I did put myself there. No doubt. i own that. And trust me it will never happen again. live and learn. Her name is not on the deed of either house.

I know I need to get a plan togehter asap. Won`t wait til the last minute. But, I don`t want to talk to him about it. Unless I absolutley have to. I am okay with NC right now. Going back to be his Monday thru Thursday gf? Well, I am not sure that would be an option at this point. And I don`t want to listen to his lies anymore! My dog means everything to me. And if i have to live out of my car because i cant find a rental place with him, so be it!

It is just so scary right now, not knowing. Oh well, nothing I can do right this minute. going to work on my finances and my heart and go from there!

[Rikki67]

That is true Cozy. But, the woman is miserable enough. No need to make her any worse. She doesn`t know about me. So why hurt her. She hasn`t done anything wrong here.

[beentheregotthetee]

Yes, Rikki. Do not tell the spouse. It's not up to you to hurt her, she did nothing to deserve this. As one who is married and having an affair with a MM, I can tell you that ratting out the other person is even more selfish than the affair is. We refer to our spouses as "the innocent ones" and we take great pains to remember we are in the wrong. They do not deserve the pain we can inflict...the pain should go to the wrong-doer and in this case, that is you, and to an extent your AP. Like everyone says, moving on is the healthiest thing you can do. You are a loving person, you will find an available love, worthy of your time and emotions.

[cozycottagelg]

I didn't say you had to tell her. I said you can use it as leverage to get out of your lease.

 

Why the hell would you live next door to her though? Just get out of your lease and move on. By staying next door you aren't moving on.

[cozycottagelg]

Yes, Rikki. Do not tell the spouse. It's not up to you to hurt her, she did nothing to deserve this. As one who is married and having an affair with a MM, I can tell you that ratting out the other person is even more selfish than the affair is. We refer to our spouses as "the innocent ones" and we take great pains to remember we are in the wrong. They do not deserve the pain we can inflict...the pain should go to the wrong-doer and in this case, that is you, and to an extent your AP. Like everyone says, moving on is the healthiest thing you can do. You are a loving person, you will find an available love, worthy of your time and emotions.

 

I want to like this, because you are spot on in that your BS's are the innocent ones. But it is absolutely absurd to assume it's better for someone to be in the dark about their own marriage.

[Rikki67]

Bad, bad day today. I am feeling so low. I want to text him. Telling him I still love him. I know I shouldn`t, and I probably won`t. I saw him yesterday when i got home. I didn`t aknowledge him. Got my stuff from the car and went in my house.

We are only in Week 2 here. I keep telling myself it will get better. It is hard this weekend, because we had plans. Made them months ago. And, now....nothing.

I truly believe he is hurting, too. But, he has no choice at this point, in his mind, other then trying to work it out with his Wife. He loves me, but is commited and bound to her. I do know we have no future because his children, as grown as they are, would never accept me. And, that is really where he is stuck. Those are his kids. I don`t think he loves his wife anymore. He is going through the motions with her. And, the reason he is not contacting me is, because he is afraid it will all start up again. He is weak. But, it seems, so am I. I just want to hug him, smell him and tell him we can do this. Yeah, I know, I live in LALA Land.

Just had to vent a little.

[immokk]

I want to like this, because you are spot on in that your BS's are the innocent ones. But it is absolutely absurd to assume it's better for someone to be in the dark about their own marriage.

 

Without the wish to hiijack... when I came out of my A (me the OW) I asked about telling the BS (I didn't intend to but I was curious) and the general view was don't.

 

It's been a few months for me now and I've been keeping my head down but recently a friend kind of put 2 and 2 together and told xMM that she was going to tell his wife if he didn't do it himself.

 

He talked her down but now the threat is back.

 

I have been basically (other than him contacting to me to tell me of the threat, although I already knew) been NC and I've been trying so hard to get on with my life.

 

With the threat coming again, I think he should tell her but don't think he has the guts. Obviously! So now what... I said on my own thread part of me is tempted to tell her myself, then at least I am in control of this. At the moment, I am just anxious and it's killing me.

[immokk]

Bad, bad day today. I am feeling so low. I want to text him. Telling him I still love him. I know I shouldn`t, and I probably won`t. I saw him yesterday when i got home. I didn`t aknowledge him. Got my stuff from the car and went in my house.

We are only in Week 2 here. I keep telling myself it will get better. It is hard this weekend, because we had plans. Made them months ago. And, now....nothing.

I truly believe he is hurting, too. But, he has no choice at this point, in his mind, other then trying to work it out with his Wife. He loves me, but is commited and bound to her. I do know we have no future because his children, as grown as they are, would never accept me. And, that is really where he is stuck. Those are his kids. I don`t think he loves his wife anymore. He is going through the motions with her. And, the reason he is not contacting me is, because he is afraid it will all start up again. He is weak. But, it seems, so am I. I just want to hug him, smell him and tell him we can do this. Yeah, I know, I live in LALA Land.

Just had to vent a little.

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

I don't really have any advice, having a bad one myself, but there will be support for you here.

 

Stay strong. He lied. They all do.

[Rikki67]

immokk, thank you. At least we know we are not alone in this. I hope you`ll feel better.

Gotta keep on smiling! (((Hugs)))

[Rikki67]

Still NC. Today starts Week 3. It hasn`t been easy. I still cry. Especially in the morning. Guess I wake up, and reality hits. It SUCKS!

I will be moving. Probably Oct/Nov. If all goes as planned. Then I can leave this Misery behind me, and find myself again, and maybe in time, some one unattached.

I am getting out of Affair Fog. Thanks to friends and my own recalls.

He cheated before me, during and he will cheat after me again. He just can`t help himself. Needs that Ego Boost. Hopefully I will be loooong gone before that. I feel sorry for his wife.

[Adoraxx]

Still NC. Today starts Week 3. It hasn`t been easy. I still cry. Especially in the morning. Guess I wake up, and reality hits. It SUCKS!

I will be moving. Probably Oct/Nov. If all goes as planned. Then I can leave this Misery behind me, and find myself again, and maybe in time, some one unattached.

I am getting out of Affair Fog. Thanks to friends and my own recalls.

He cheated before me, during and he will cheat after me again. He just can`t help himself. Needs that Ego Boost. Hopefully I will be loooong gone before that. I feel sorry for his wife.

 

We'll be moving around the same time then, Rikki!!!! That's great! We'll leave them behind in our dust ;-) I hope you'll feel better soon

Hugs!!

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[Ahurtgirl]

It is good you are moving away from him. We need to move on from these type of men and find a good single honest man that will make us the priority we deserve to be or enjoy being on our own. We have made good choices in our lives (other than being an AP because of the way the xMM manipulated us into being with them and then not being strong enough to walk away once sucked in) and have done so many positive things in our lives, that karma will eventually reward us with what we have done right. I know I have suffered in so many ways in my life, no one would ever envy what I have been through and prayer has always helped me through those difficult times. Once again, prayer is helping me forget my xMM existence and move forward onto better things in life. You are beautiful, caring, intelligent, and do not deserve to be treated as a second choice. Be strong and know you are making the right decision to let go and move on.

[privategal]

Ladies, my 15 year EAP left me abruptly. Soon after I got a job offer in a new city and he began calling/emailing daily. I guess it hurt his ego to he left in the dust. I was initially SO excited to leave it all behind and make a fresh start without menories or triggers.

I got hooked in believing he was truly missing the "friendship" and replied to his emails daily and picked up the phone each time he called.

Basically he used me to get over me...he kept in CLOSE contact all initiated by HIM daily until he had his fair share of ego strokes and confirmation that I missed him to, then he abruptly ended the friendship.

Here I was in a new beautiful city with my dream job but my new start was tainted. I was then crying and grieving the end of a bullsh%t friendship when I should have let the day I moved 10 hours away be the end of this saga.

Please learn from Me and let your move be the END.

BLOCK every path and leave him behind for GOOD.

[Rikki67]

AHurtgirl - Thank you! I, too, have suffered a lot in my life. And, just like you, my faith has gotten me through it all. Prayers and knowing I am loved by God will heal me this time as well. I will never be involved with a MM. That I have promised myself. I am too damn old for this B***S***. He is playing H to his BS on weekends now. And then sits at his house during the week by himself.

 

Privategal - I don`t need to block him. I don`t believe he will ever contact me again. I won`t be moving 10 hrs away, maybe 30 miles. But, that will be enough distance for me. Should he ever contact me after the move, I will send him a NC letter. If, I write or talk to him at all. Have to wait and see.

 

I am so sorry he ruined you new beginnings. But, tomorrow is another new day!

 

Lets keep our heads high, and know, we deserve better!

[Adoraxx]

Ladies, my 15 year EAP left me abruptly. Soon after I got a job offer in a new city and he began calling/emailing daily. I guess it hurt his ego to he left in the dust. I was initially SO excited to leave it all behind and make a fresh start without menories or triggers.

I got hooked in believing he was truly missing the "friendship" and replied to his emails daily and picked up the phone each time he called.

Basically he used me to get over me...he kept in CLOSE contact all initiated by HIM daily until he had his fair share of ego strokes and confirmation that I missed him to, then he abruptly ended the friendship.

Here I was in a new beautiful city with my dream job but my new start was tainted. I was then crying and grieving the end of a bullsh%t friendship when I should have let the day I moved 10 hours away be the end of this saga.

Please learn from Me and let your move be the END.

BLOCK every path and leave him behind for GOOD.

 

I just asked you a question about you moving away in the Destabilization thread. You wrote in the above post that your 15 year EAP left you abruptly. How did that go? Did he stop emailing you from one day to the next? Did he block you?

 

And then you decided to move... how did he find out about it? Did he know the exact date when you would leave?

 

I hope you don't mind all my questions . I'm definitely planning not to let any of it go on once I've moved. No emails, nothing, and I plan to delete the shared account once I've moved because I'm sure that if I wouldn't do that, that he would do the exact same thing as your xMM.

 

I don't want to delete the shared account just yet because he might confront me with it (because I live so nearby) and I can't deal with that.

 

How have you been feeling lately, privategal?

[Rikki67]

It's been 4 weeks now. I did okay for the last few days. But, I saw him yesterday. He was talking on the phone. I heard his voice. I love his voice! And now it feels like I'm starting all over again with the pain. I just want to ask him if any of it was real. Any of it true? Or was it ALL LIES?

Been really struggling not to break NC!

[Ahurtgirl]

Be strong! Mine sent me an email this week and after reading it, I blocked any future attempts at contacting me, even though I don't think he will. He said to not respond back and stated that he was having the hardest three weeks of his life and was happy to be working on reconciling with his wife and that he is ready to just move on. I guess that was his closure? Anyway, please continue to do NC. It will get easier with time. Don't reopen that wound that he created in your heart. You will be better off in the long run to keep on walking away. (((hugs)))

[Rikki67]

Ahurtgirl - Thank you! I know I`ll be better off in the long run. Right now tho, I feel so helpless.

I guess my xMM is happy with working on his M too. His wife is here every weekend, and it kills me! It kills me knowing all the crap he said about her, and now he is just acting like he is this devoted H again. It makes me sick. I want to scream at her. Do you have any idea what this bastard did for the past almost 4 years??!!! Playing house with me!!

I am so angry at him. I feel like I am about to blow up! I know I won`t.

Maybe it would be better, if he at least, like yours, tell me to stay away because he is happy working on his reconciliation. I damn well know he is not happy. He fakes it. He is good at that.

I am just venting. Better here then at him or her. I am so tired of this pain!

[Adoraxx]

Ahurtgirl - Thank you! I know I`ll be better off in the long run. Right now tho, I feel so helpless.

I guess my xMM is happy with working on his M too. His wife is here every weekend, and it kills me! It kills me knowing all the crap he said about her, and now he is just acting like he is this devoted H again. It makes me sick. I want to scream at her. Do you have any idea what this bastard did for the past almost 4 years??!!! Playing house with me!!

I am so angry at him. I feel like I am about to blow up! I know I won`t.

Maybe it would be better, if he at least, like yours, tell me to stay away because he is happy working on his reconciliation. I damn well know he is not happy. He fakes it. He is good at that.

I am just venting. Better here then at him or her. I am so tired of this pain!

 

I think he WANTS to act like the devoted husband. That's his image and he loves that image of himself. I know what you mean with seeing him act like the devoted H again!! my xMM does that all the time too and he looks like he is the best husband in town!! He won't tell you to stay away because he wants to keep you on the side for as long as he can. My xMM won't tell me either to stay away yet he'll throw me like 1/2 a crumb here and there just so he can get an ego boost knowing that I still talk to him. But you're going to move right? So am I and then I'm going to delete the shared account. It hurts so much. Try to keep telling yourself that he's not faking it with W. I mean, they're great liars but who knows what's true with them?

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[Lois_Griffin]

Here is my story, and I am not sure it is over yet. This is just the short of it.

I have been with a MM for the past 3.5 yrs. He left his wife behind for another job and because they weren`t getting along. He would go home for Holidays for a few days. Never longer than a week. And I was (kind of) okay with that. Because, I had him 95% of the time. We loved, lived and laughed together. When I met him i was in the middle of my own divorce. My children were grown, so are his, and I was ready to move on. He bought a house for me to live in. Next door to him. I do pay rent. Didn`t want him to think it was his money I want. Last year his BS decided she wanted to rekindle their marriage. MM halfheartedly agreed. It lasted less then 3 month. And he was back with me. We aren`t young anymore.

She did live 700 miles away. He told her it isn`t working and he wants her to divorce him. He feels he can`t file because he is the one that betrayed her. Its a religous thing. Anyway, last week she moved within 100 miles of where we live to watch their grandchild while the daughter is at work. Needless to say, she came to visit last weekend and they rekindeled again. This is just too much for me now. Yes, she is his wife, and there is so much that they have together (Children, Grands, Property, Money etc.). He says he doesn`t know if it will work out with her after all this time. I said, Good Luck, and shut the door. But, my heart is breaking. Living next door to him, the NC is hard to enforce. Plus, I have to see MM with BS. I am not able nor willing to move (the rent is great), just yet. I know she is in his head and I am in his heart. I have decided to let it be for now. And, should he come back to me I will set the terms. Enough is enough! I am heading towards 50 and MM is 60. Time is running out!

You know, I hate to say it, but this story is just so full of the standard cliches about married men and the lies they tell.

 

For instance, claiming that he took a job 700 miles away because his marriage was on the skids, etc. Hey, at 60 and having been married for a million years it probably wasn't a Disney movie, but I don't believe his story that his marriage was 'over' but that he couldn't divorce her. Plenty of people take jobs far from home because the opportunity arises and it's just too good for them to turn down. I think with her 700 miles away, it was very easy for him to paint this story for you and to lead a double life telling you how his marriage was on the outs.

 

I mean, all along he's been painting himself as this guy whose just completely done with his wife yet he had all these excuses for why he couldn't divorce and why he had to try to 'try again' with her for 3 months and all that. I don't believe his marriage was even CLOSE to divorce and I don't believe his claim that he told her he wants her to divorce him, either. That's a ridiculous story, that he told her to divorce him and that HE can't divorce her. That's just standard MM speak.

 

I don't think they 'rekindled' anything. I think their marriage has always been active (maybe not perfect, but active) and I think he's been lying about everything for 3 years. Now that she's geographically closer and he can't get away with his double life anymore, he's painting it - for you - as some kind of grand reunion and rekindling of their marriage. I simply think her presence made it impossible for him to continue lying to you that his marriage was on life support when it wasn't.

 

I mean, according to him, he wanted a divorce in the worst way so why in hell would he suddenly be Mr. Happily Married?

 

It doesn't make sense and sadly, that's because he's been lying to you for years. I'd be willing to bet his wife has a completely different story than the one he's been telling you for years.

 

Their lies eventually come out. I had a MM lie to me for a year about being 'separated' until I found out differently. Happens all the time.