Forever broken Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 He told me he was unhappy and was filing for a divorce. I thought he was unhappy. He was my coworker. I love him and put his happiness above mine. Later, I encouraged him to stay and work things out with the wife. Just give me a call if doesn't work out and stayed away, and he promised never to tell the wife about me. I loved him so much I will pick up when he called to check on me. We stopped having sex. Apparently, his wife found out and his previous affairs. I was the only one the wife attacked. Because I love him I didn't give out any information that could hurt his marriage even the more but he gave all the information about me to the wife. We work in different departments and see each other once in a blue moon. He walks by me like we have never met each other before which kills me. Is been a year and I still miss him. He never called to apologize. Please how can I move on? Help me! And why was I the only one he betrayed and the wife attaked?? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Don't you have family and friends to help out? If the answer is No, than you put too much stock into a MM. Let me say it again, you put all your eggs in one basket. Now, it will get easier. Night out with the GFs. A date. Taking up a physical activity. They'll heal the wound. But remember about the times he walks by without acknowledging you. That's his true color. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockflower Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Xx - can you get some counselling or someone yo talk to? You need support to work through your feelings and confusion. Post here and others will respond x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockflower Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 And it's not about you - it's about him and his weakness ... Huge weakness x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 ((FB)) I'm so sorry about your pain - I really feel it in your post. But you are so much better off without him. You talk of his previous affairS (plural), the cowardly way he has treated his wife, the cold way he threw you under a bus and ignores like a piece of rubbish now. He sounds like a great catch - not! Please, free yourself from him, hold your head up high and show him he longer has any power over you (even if he does really), walk past HIM without acknowledging him and hold your head up high - see how he likes it. One day you will meet a real man and will be so glad you didn't end up with this loser - even if you don't see it now. Sorry to sound harsh. I just want you to see it the way others from the outside see it, because you are in the fog and can see no wrong in him. But you will get past it and you will be very happy again one day soon. Good luck and keep posting. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 He told me he was unhappy and was filing for a divorce. I thought he was unhappy. He was my coworker. I love him and put his happiness above mine. Later, I encouraged him to stay and work things out with the wife. Just give me a call if doesn't work out and stayed away, and he promised never to tell the wife about me. I loved him so much I will pick up when he called to check on me. We stopped having sex. Apparently, his wife found out and his previous affairs. I was the only one the wife attacked. Because I love him I didn't give out any information that could hurt his marriage even the more but he gave all the information about me to the wife. We work in different departments and see each other once in a blue moon. He walks by me like we have never met each other before which kills me. Is been a year and I still miss him. He never called to apologize. Please how can I move on? Help me! And why was I the only one he betrayed and the wife attaked?? What do you mean he betrayed you? Were you unaware that he was married? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 I was aware he was married. He betrayed me by throwing me under the bus. The wife tried to convince me to spill the beans about the Affair but I refused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you so much. I am so glad I found this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Your post mean a lot to me. Thanks for understanding and not judging me. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I was aware he was married. He betrayed me...... FB, you knew he was married, so you see that you were part of the wider betrayal too - of his wife and his marriage. Sorry, I know that sounds patronising, it's just now that a year after my affair ended, I have found that fully acknowledging and owning my part in it really helps my own acceptance and recovery. Yes, he was bad and he hurt you (and her), but you played your part and enabled him, just as my xOW did with me. None of us who have been in affairs come out of it with much credit really. All we can do is try to learn and make up for our mistakes. Good luck FB. Keep the posts coming 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I was aware he was married. He betrayed me by throwing me under the bus. The wife tried to convince me to spill the beans about the Affair but I refused. So when you say she attacked you, do you mean physically? Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 His BW was told you were a succubus, or she came to that conclusion in order to preserve the marriage - this is the version of the truth your xMM and his BW adhere to. It's not about you, but them. If he was truly remorseful about betraying his wife, he could not have apologized without betraying her. If he used you and just wanted to save his own ass, he couldn't apologize without betraying himself. But really? None of that matters. He clearly chose his marriage over his affair, and the goal you now seek is indifference. How? I've got some practical tips. You may not like them but they have basis in clinical practice and have worked for others... Beats sitting around trying to make sense of human emotions.., 1) snapping and/or tapping: commonly this involves a suggestion of snapping an elastic band around your wrist and or using EFT (Google has your back) as a diversion/reinforcement whenever invasive thoughts of your xMM enter your head. 2) conscious thought replacement - this is pretty basic. All you do is replace a fond or positive memory with an opposite or negative thought. If you have a sweet moment involving a certain food or song or location, remember instead how you felt abandoned, judged, hung out to dry, like second fiddle. 3) (reality) check yourself - write a letter, complete with a pros and cons list, as if you were writing your best friend, your daughter, your beloved niece or favorite cousin advice about exactly your situation. Include the impact it would have on your MM's and your own ability to be respected if it were discovered how your relationship began. Catastrophizing is your friend today. Pay special attention to the fact he has had affairs other than the one with you. Let it simmer. Let it sink in. You need a new mantra. I (apparently) suck a bit at writing cheer bits: Rah rah sis boom ba Let his wife deal with him ha ha ha But maybe you could go with: I'm worth more than crumbs from a rat. Or: xMM is a slime ball and slime is icky. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Read the stories here - you're not unique or special and your xMM stole lines from the cheaters' handbook. Welcome to LS. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Physically, mentally, emotionally. I never fought back because I accepted the part I played. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you so much for the tips. I will definitely try that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 I admit I played a role in it and I accepted that. I was attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally by the wife. I took everything without a word. I also apologized to her. All I wanted was an apology from him, for telling me lies, and hurting me also. I needed closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I admit I played a role in it and I accepted that. I was attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally by the wife. I took everything without a word. I also apologized to her. All I wanted was an apology from him, for telling me lies, and hurting me also. I needed closure. You owed apologies to the BS. You are owed none, as you knew he was married and without your complicity he would have a) not had an affair or b) went elsewhere. Own it - there's empowerment in accountability. You accepted exactly the amount of lies you were willing to accept, no more, no less. Closure comes from within. You need to apologize to and forgive yourself to get closure. Until and unless you can do this, indifference will be a unicorn. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thank you very much Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 (edited) Thank you very much Do you have a plan? Are you looking for something specific or just venting? (Venting is good - many here will commisserate.). There's a thread called "destabilization" that we are talking about everything from fisting to how to properly celebrate "antiversaries." Come on over. Feel the love. Laugh. You're not alone. Edited August 27, 2016 by Lobe 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I think it would help you if you could change jobs... I'm going to take drastic steps too by moving simply because I can't take it anymore to see his cold face... I think it will help you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 Here's an excellent post from Natalie Lue on this very topic - HTH - Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 I had planned on changing jobs but my mom advised me against it. She encouraged me to hold my head high and move on. Eventually I will have to quit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Forever broken Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thanks for the article, very informative Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I admit I played a role in it and I accepted that. I was attacked mentally, physically, and emotionally by the wife. I took everything without a word. I also apologized to her. All I wanted was an apology from him, for telling me lies, and hurting me also. I needed closure. His wife may have followed the general guidelines you see on here and on other sites. She may have requested him to go completely 'no contact' with you and that ANY contact would be a deal breaker for her and she would rake him over the coals in a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Forever broken give the MM a time limit in your head and then push the thoughts out. Plus I would make a list of all the things that you didn't like about him and how he wasn't right for you and look at it every single day. Are you in any kind of therapy? That helps a lot too! You will get over him it does take a while though 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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