Wtf am I doing to myself.

[68_f100]

So a little over 3 years ago my wife had an EA while we were going through a tough patch in our marriage. I refused to believe it wasn't more. Even pushed it to a Polly graph. She passed it without issue. Things have been fine but this week something has triggered me into thinking she is cheating on me. I've got access to her phone and computer and can't find anything. She is home all day with our youngest child and when she does leave she takes all of us with her. I can't find one single shred of evidence anything is going on. But I am super sensitive to everything she does different. Anything that's not normal gets me thinking something is up. For instance the other night we were having sex and she always wants it from behind. Well that night she wanted it normal so we could get off together instead of her first. My first thought when she said that was she is cheating. When she's on her phone she's cheating. When she doesn't respond to a text in 30 seconds or less she's cheating.

 

Is this just a flashback type thing or what? Hell the other night I Went off because she cleared her history on her computer. I accused her of being involved in something and she thought I was crazy. Someone tell me this is all in my head and I need to just walk it off.

[Lobe]

Your feelings are normal if not hyper sensitive. Hand you done much reading? Your wife? NOT just friends has a great section dedicated to why people can't or won't let go of the betrayal.

 

What do you want as the ideal outcome?

[lolablue17]

When you're paranoid, it doesn't mean no one is chasing you...

 

It won't help to tell you to calm down, right? So, please, go a head. install a key logger for some time, take a PI for few suspicious days. If that doesn't calm you down, than nothing will.

[Darren Steez]

Last year I found out my wife was texting a couple old boy friends. She said nothing ever happened. I think she cheated but I can't prove it and she won't admit it. She says she wasn't getting any attention from me and I admit I wasn't being a very good husband at the time.

 

It's been a year now and I've tried to be a better husband/father. I have just about driven myself nuts trying to make her happy. I still have trust issues and have developed a drinking problem. Here lately I have had some things I don't like. I have tried to talk to her about these issues and she says I'm trying to cause a fight. That's not what I'm trying to do at all. Our sex life has gone from good to something she seams to want to get over with as fast as possible. I tried to tell her it feels like just sex and not love making. She says it's fine and doesn't understand why I feel like that. I also have said I would like to see more passion in our marriage. Again I am told it's fine and I need to quit trying to fight.

 

I can't talk to her about my trust issues. She made me agree to never talk about what happened a year ago ever again. That's easy for her to say but if it's just going to cause fights then I agree with her. No point in fighting more. I can't really tell her i have any issues trusting her because that will cause a fight.

 

So this is you, what? three years ago you said?

 

So have you talked about what happened since then?

 

You describe all this stuff she does now, sounds like she's not up to anything, my guess is she knows you're watching but wasn't it the case she was up to stuff when you were not home when she was having the EA's.

 

If you've not talked about it, if you haven't been working together, again working together to make the marriage stronger then you really haven't been in R.

 

Has she owned what she did? Why she did it? Has she shown remorse? Has she worked with anybody to get to the root of why she did what she did (apart from you not showing her attention and that old cheaters script)

 

Absolutely, wtf are you doing to yourself. You never talked about it, so when old behaviors show up you immediately assume the worst.

 

Doesn't matter whether she didn't have sex with them, what matters is that it was a betrayal and it put a knife in the heart of your marriage. Every now and then a trigger will remind you that knife is there.

[Satu]

When you have a persistent feeling of 'wrongness', there is usually something wrong.

 

Not always; but very often.

[elaine567]

YOU have never got over your wife cheating, and you may never get over it.

 

Reconciliation after a cheating event doesn't always work and here it obviously hasn't.

You do not trust her one little bit and I do not see how she can ever prove to you that she isn't cheating.

If she is at home 24/7 looking after children and never goes out alone and has to answer calls/texts within 30 secs, and you are still paranoid, then how can she live like that?

 

The trouble with all that surveillance is that one day she will rebel, one day she won't want to be at home 24/7, one day she will get seriously annoyed and one day she will walk.

You have to seek help and it would be good if you could persuade your wife to get into MC too, as no doubt she is also fed up of all that mistrust and you need to hear that too.

 

We get the reasons for your paranoia, but you have to take steps to get over it, or you walk and be the best father you can be to your children and leave your wife alone. That may the only way to give yourself peace.

Are you still drinking a lot?

[road]

So this is you, what? three years ago you said?

 

So have you talked about what happened since then?

 

You describe all this stuff she does now, sounds like she's not up to anything, my guess is she knows you're watching but wasn't it the case she was up to stuff when you were not home when she was having the EA's.

 

If you've not talked about it, if you haven't been working together, again working together to make the marriage stronger then you really haven't been in R.

 

Has she owned what she did? Why she did it? Has she shown remorse? Has she worked with anybody to get to the root of why she did what she did (apart from you not showing her attention and that old cheaters script)

 

Absolutely, wtf are you doing to yourself. You never talked about it, so when old behaviors show up you immediately assume the worst.

 

Doesn't matter whether she didn't have sex with them, what matters is that it was a betrayal and it put a knife in the heart of your marriage. Every now and then a trigger will remind you that knife is there.

 

 

 

The OP is where he is today because his WW's affair was rug swept. She refused to talk about it then so the paranoia now.

[Whoknew30]

You know her wanting to see & "together" is so she can connect with you. That's a very good thing. You had her take a polygraph & it was clear, she's working on it. You should talk to her & go to counseling.

[68_f100]

YOU have never got over your wife cheating, and you may never get over it.

 

Reconciliation after a cheating event doesn't always work and here it obviously hasn't.

You do not trust her one little bit and I do not see how she can ever prove to you that she isn't cheating.

If she is at home 24/7 looking after children and never goes out alone and has to answer calls/texts within 30 secs, and you are still paranoid, then how can she live like that?

 

The trouble with all that surveillance is that one day she will rebel, one day she won't want to be at home 24/7, one day she will get seriously annoyed and one day she will walk.

You have to seek help and it would be good if you could persuade your wife to get into MC too, as no doubt she is also fed up of all that mistrust and you need to hear that too.

 

We get the reasons for your paranoia, but you have to take steps to get over it, or you walk and be the best father you can be to your children and leave your wife alone. That may the only way to give yourself peace.

Are you still drinking a lot?

 

First off I am not drinking anymore. Haven't in a few years.

 

The texting and calls and. It answering after 30 seconds not something I told her. That's just my assumption in my head. It's not like this all the time and things have been great. Something this week just triggered me into feeling this way. I've had anxity about it all week. In the past if I got a little shook I would just give her a hug and it was gone. Just something this week got me going.

 

I don't trust her 100% and she and I both know it. It's no secret. I know I will never feel like we are bulletproof again. That's the worst part for me but I made the choice to stick it out knowing that was gone forever. MC isn't going to make me trust her 100% and erase my memories.

[68_f100]

I want to add that she has owned it 100%. She has told me that nothing like that is happening today. We have both changed a lot I've the past 3 years. We parent better together and it has probably been the best 3 years of our relationship. She's trying to help and she is understanding of how I feel sometimes. But there is nothing she can do to help get this out of my head lol.

[Lobe]

I want to add that she has owned it 100%. But there is nothing she can do to help get this out of my head lol.

 

You are right. There is t anything she can do to get it out of your head, because you won't let it go. Is there a reason you refuse to let go? What purpose is it serving for you to choose being the perpetual victim and never graduating to survivor? The residual effects of the affair are being perpetuated by your need to carry it with you and you need to figure out what kind of feedback loop you're stuck in that makes you feel justified lording this over your wife I stead of forgiving her and moving on. Resentment is a silent killer - eventually your wife will tire of never being allowed to heal, and by the time resentment becomes contempt, there's little hope of your marriage surviving.

 

You need some IC to figure out your issues. While I realize she had the affair, I encourage you and her to both read (or re-read) "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass and "Helping Your Spouse Heal" by Linda McDonald so you guys have some shared meaning and context for moving forward.

[DKT3]

The cheating was not dealt with and you've never healed from it. Thus, you haven't started the journey to rebuild the trust in your marriage.

[lbjanieb]

You just have not described anything substantial that is any kind of reliable indicator she's cheating. You could be a bit paranoid and sure you have a reason for it. But don't let it destroy your marriage either. I'm assuming you guys have worked out whatever issues caused her to seek an EA in the first place. It's usually because a woman does not feel seen or heard at home. If she says there are no issues what other choice do you have but to believe her? Otherwise you'll drive yourself and her crazy. Counseling for the relationship could help or at the very least counseling for yourself to work out your own trust issues. Praying for you guys...

[Cephalopod]

You are only three years into your healing. It can take five years or more.

 

The advice to get into IC is sound. It sounds to me like you have some PTSD to deal with.

 

Also, are you excercising and taking care of yourself? Working out daily can take away a lot of that stress.

[WilyWill]

She broke your trust three years ago, so there is no reason to trust her again. Certainly not after 3 years. And deleting browser history is very suspicious.

 

I think you should try to account for all the time that you're not with her. Lie low for a while and don't inform her of your suspicions. Put a keylogger on her computer and a voice-activated recorder under your bed, since it seems that her time at home during the day is the only time you don't really know what she's doing.

[68_f100]

You just have not described anything substantial that is any kind of reliable indicator she's cheating. You could be a bit paranoid and sure you have a reason for it. But don't let it destroy your marriage either. I'm assuming you guys have worked out whatever issues caused her to seek an EA in the first place. It's usually because a woman does not feel seen or heard at home. If she says there are no issues what other choice do you have but to believe her? Otherwise you'll drive yourself and her crazy. Counseling for the relationship could help or at the very least counseling for yourself to work out your own trust issues. Praying for you guys...

 

Yes we have worked out the issues. I owned a lot of our issues and have worked a great deal to resolve them. I have made myself a better person in the process. I think of her as my forever but its hard sometimes when I get these feelings.

[68_f100]

She broke your trust three years ago, so there is no reason to trust her again. Certainly not after 3 years. And deleting browser history is very suspicious.

 

I think you should try to account for all the time that you're not with her. Lie low for a while and don't inform her of your suspicions. Put a keylogger on her computer and a voice-activated recorder under your bed, since it seems that her time at home during the day is the only time you don't really know what she's doing.

 

 

She home schools our 13 and 8 year old. She has for a few years. Even when I am not there the kids are. I don't think she would try anything phyisical with our kids home.

[DKT3]

Your missing the bright flashing lights here. Your issue isn't that complicated. Your wife passed the poly and wears it like a honor. In her mind that put an end to it and you foolishly agreed.

 

You going to have to rip the bandage off and allow the wound to heal, not doing so will see your resentment grow and the trust will erode to nothing.

[ShatteredLady]

How frequent are these triggers?

 

There will be triggers. You need to workout if yours are excessive & you need help or if they're 'just' run of the mill, simple, normal, agonizing triggers.

 

 

What I suspect is come d-day your obsession was "Did you have sex?", "You must of had sex!", "Why won't you tell me the truth & admit that you had sex?".

 

Then you come to a forum like this & most members are fast to tell you that cheaters never tell the truth "If she says they talked, they kissed. If she says they kissed, they did oral. If she says they did oral, they had crazy porn star sex!". I've read that sort of thing so very many times!!

 

I suspect that you were so obsessed with getting the "truth" that when you finally did she felt vindicated. You were wrong! No sex!

 

Then you're left alone with the horrible truth....You were EMOTIONALLY betrayed. That's agony! It's devastating but you never properly worked through it because 'She was right. You were wrong. They didn't have sex'.

 

I know they say that it's the emotions that hurt women most & the sex which hurts men more. Even if that's true it doesn't change the fact that she cheated on you. It was infidelity. I think this kind of rugsweeping happens a lot.

 

I'm sorry. I'm trying to deal with my husbands "ONLY" emotional affair. It's agony!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Who clears their browser history? There is literally no reason to do that, like, ever.

[aileD]

Yes there is. It frees up space and can help things move faster.

 

I delet mine all the time---especially on the phone because some things o do t want Kids to see.

 

Op-

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=Z8IWowPQmj0

[merrmeade]

Well, if you read over OP's previous threads, you could justifiably conclude that his suspiciousness is out of control. BUT it's also clear to me that this is because he and WW haven't worked through the issues either individually or together that caused her to have the EA. They've been complicit in the rug-sweeping - at her insistence - and he's carried the trauma of discovery and aftermath with no resolution, no closure, no understanding, empathy - nada. He's just stuck in post-dday trauma and she's oblivious and doesn't want to be bothered. It doesn't matter if it was a one-phone-call EA that lasted 5 minutes or a LTA of 5 years; OP is damaged and needs her help to get over it.

 

So what does LS tell him? He's receiving the most hated and unhelpful of concepts for a BS (imho): Just get over it.

 

But, OP, as long as you let her off and don't value your need for empathy and remorse from her - without time limits and in the interest of your recovery from her infidelity then I can see the possibility of a life of anxiety and crazed projections ongoing or divorce - with her putting the blame on you.

 

Seems to me neither of you has respected the damage that was done to you by what she did. The suggestion for both of you to read Linda MacDonald's book is a good one.

 

Healing is what you deserve. The book is a start to your even identifiying what it is you need to heal.

[lbjanieb]

Yes we have worked out the issues. I owned a lot of our issues and have worked a great deal to resolve them. I have made myself a better person in the process. I think of her as my forever but its hard sometimes when I get these feelings.

 

Just keep on working on it and counseling is a must to reign in your thoughts. It's not fair to her to be constantly questioned and mistrusted. You wouldn't like it if you were in her shoes. I know you want to protect yourself from getting hurt again but none of us has that much control over our lives. There is a degree of letting go that needs to be done in order to love.

 

Prayers for your marriage...

[merrmeade]

Just keep on working on it and counseling is a must to reign in your thoughts. It's not fair to her to be constantly questioned and mistrusted. You wouldn't like it if you were in her shoes. I know you want to protect yourself from getting hurt again but none of us has that much control over our lives. There is a degree of letting go that needs to be done in order to love.

 

Prayers for your marriage...

but it doesn't sound like he constantly questioned her. Sounds like they never hashed it out in the first place. No, my heart goes out to you, OP. You need to go to IC and figure out what you need. Just be sure to get with someone that REALLY has worked the infidelity sector.

[NTV]

I think your wife needs to get a real job. Pretending she's a school teacher doesn't seem like it's cutting it.

 

 

I mean, you found out three years ago you couldn't trust her. Why does that warrant you footing the bill for whatever she wants?

 

 

You have let your insecurity cut your own legs out from under you. You don't see that while you've been distracted with whether she's cheating or not she's set herself up for the perfect position to get alimony/spousal support?