No DDAY, minimal contact

[Chica80]

Has anyone been able to end an affair without there being a DDAY and, still have to maintain some contact with AP?

[Adoraxx]

Hi Sunshine,

There hasn't been a D-Day here and he lives in my neighborhood, and yes we've maintained some contact. Not much, but some. It's very painful to feel like you've been degraded to almost nothing. I'm going to leave this town because I can't take it anymore. I would have liked us to be friends (I know, I know, impossible......) but apparently he only wanted me for sex and that he realizes that he is not going to get it anymore, I got reduced to 'almost nothing'. It's very painful

[Lobe]

I think d-day is a powerful catalyst that helps the WS determine priorities in a way that simply isn't possible when the A stays underground. What would you like as an outcome?

[Chica80]

I think d-day is a powerful catalyst that helps the WS determine priorities in a way that simply isn't possible when the A stays underground. What would you like as an outcome?

 

The impossible LOBE I want the impossible....

To keep things the way they are, when we are in the "friend zone". I know we aren't friends. I know we can never be friends.

 

I don't want to be on the side a secret. We can't be together, so the impossible.

[JustJoe]

You are, indeed, asking the impossible. If your affair was physical, then it can never go back to the "friend zone"........ever. There are, quite simply, too many intimate activities that you both have shared . My advice is to end ALL contact, however innocent that contact might appear to be.

[Poppy47]

Has anyone been able to end an affair without there being a DDAY and, still have to maintain some contact with AP?

 

You are being silly. Of course you can't be friends any more than you can change the colour of your eyes.

 

Let it go.. let it go..... let it go.....

 

Poppy.

[imperfectangel]

You are being silly. Of course you can't be friends any more than you can change the colour of your eyes.

 

Let it go.. let it go..... let it go.....

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy can I ask, I know your affair was 8 years, was there a d day or did you just block him one day?

[Friskyone4u]

You want to maintain contact so you have the option of starting the affair again.

 

Until you are honest with yourself you will not end the affair with or without a D Day. And my recommendation to you if you do get a D Day is to avoid making that statement of being "friends" with your AP to your spouse. It will greatly reduce your chances of remaining married.

[Forever broken]

No not me. No contact after a year. Still see him once in a while but I mean nothing to him

[Forever broken]

Adoraxx, I know how you feel.i know it was impossible to remain friends but I wanted us to be civil to each other when we see each other at work. The worst part of it is that people at work knew we good friends. Now anytime he walks by me coldly, I feel embarrassed when my friends are around.

[Katyp]

I had a 7 year affair but no D day. He phoned me one day to come and see me. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. The usual. I wanted more and he didn't. He told me that if he said to me 'how about it' I would run a mile. I told him I wouldn't but he didn't believe me. I never heard from him again after that so I just moved on with my life. I never forgot him though. I don't think you ever do.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to work with your XMM afterwards. I would blank him out and treat him as if he didn't exist (I'm good at that) and just focus on moving forward with the rest of your life. It's the only way to regain your power and your self worth. Only then will you start feeling better about yourself.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Katyp

[Ronnie33]

We have tried the friends thing on and off for three years. It really is a way to hold onto the person. In real relationships when they end, you take time, heal and then when you have moved on and found happiness again sometimes you can be friends. In affairs, without a DDay, its always this secret and that's what keeps the feelings going, even if you want to end it.

You got away with it for so long so going back is easy if you let it.

[Ronnie33]

I had a 7 year affair but no D day. He phoned me one day to come and see me. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. The usual. I wanted more and he didn't. He told me that if he said to me 'how about it' I would run a mile. I told him I wouldn't but he didn't believe me. I never heard from him again after that so I just moved on with my life. I never forgot him though. I don't think you ever do.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to work with your XMM afterwards. I would blank him out and treat him as if he didn't exist (I'm good at that) and just focus on moving forward with the rest of your life. It's the only way to regain your power and your self worth. Only then will you start feeling better about yourself.

 

How did you did you just never talk again after 7 years? Did you love him?

I've been in my affair for 3 years and everytime I end it I go back. I wish I was strong to say it's over and move on. How do you do it? I'm trying now, again. I want out and to be myself again. i miss him so much when we don't speak and then I'll reach out.

[elaine567]

How did you did you just never talk again after 7 years? Did you love him?

I've been in my affair for 3 years and everytime I end it I go back. I wish I was strong to say it's over and move on. How do you do it? I'm trying now, again. I want out and to be myself again. i miss him so much when we don't speak and then I'll reach out.

 

It is always much easier to split with someone if there is a good reason to do it. It is not about love or not, it is about being realistic.

I guess Katyp realised her dream of them being together as a normal couple, was not his dream, so the only remedy if she wanted a normal relationship with a man, was to split and to stay split.

Grieve, heal and move on, is how it works.

Otherwise it would have just prolonged the agony for Katyp and the MM would have just kept cake eating as long as he could.

[Chica80]

I realize that posting on a random forum to a bunch of strangers will give me many many answers.

 

If you decide to post on this thread please no cookie cutter answers or blankets statements.....Experiences, constructive critisicm, and points of view are highly welcome....

 

For reference:

A. I am not married I'm in the process of divorce

 

B I am not hoping to "restart" affair, no dday for AP.

 

C. Absolute NC is not possible, we work together (NO getting another job at the moment is not an option)

 

D. Neither AP nor myself want to continue in A.

[loveisanaction]

I realize that posting on a random forum to a bunch of strangers will give me many many answers.

 

If you decide to post on this thread please no cookie cutter answers or blankets statements.....Experiences, constructive critisicm, and points of view are highly welcome....

 

For reference:

A. I am not married I'm in the process of divorce

 

B I am not hoping to "restart" affair, no dday for AP.

 

C. Absolute NC is not possible, we work together (NO getting another job at the moment is not an option)

 

D. Neither AP nor myself want to continue in A.

 

If you truly want to be friends with your affair partner and that's want you TRULY want and are not secretly hoping that your friendship with him will eventually work in your favor causing the both of you to end up together.

 

If that's what you truly want and that's what HE truly wants then the both of you can work to make that happen....but you have to be honest with yourself and not be in denial about why you want to be his friend again.

 

There's no point in being friends if you're secretly hoping that the friendship will eventually (and with him leaving his wife) turn into a real relationship. It also won't work if he's hoping that your friendships turns into him being able to start having sex with you again. It won't work if there is still a sexual attraction between the both of you nor will it work if you still have feelings for him.

 

Both of you have got to be honest about the friendship, it won't work if one or either of you are secretly hoping for a different outcome.

[Lobe]

What loveisinaction said.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If you truly want to be friends with your affair partner and that's want you TRULY want and are not secretly hoping that your friendship with him will eventually work in your favor causing the both of you to end up together.

 

If that's what you truly want and that's what HE truly wants then the both of you can work to make that happen....but you have to be honest with yourself and not be in denial about why you want to be his friend again.

 

There's no point in being friends if you're secretly hoping that the friendship will eventually (and with him leaving his wife) turn into a real relationship. It also won't work if he's hoping that your friendships turns into him being able to start having sex with you again. It won't work if there is still a sexual attraction between the both of you nor will it work if you still have feelings for him.

 

Both of you have got to be honest about the friendship, it won't work if one or either of you are secretly hoping for a different outcome.

 

 

I disagree.

 

The OP has shown that they have no regard for the XMM marriage. They have shown that if the circumstances are just so.....they will do what feels right in the moment. They have shown poor judgement. They have shown a lack of boundaries for themselves and a lack of boundaries in the workplace in regard to the XMM.

 

The fact the OP feels embarrassment over the lack of friendship with the XMM within eyesight of fellow co-workers points to a high need for validation. Someone who is remorseful for being involved in an affair, would feel embarrassment/shame when confronted with their actions (seeing the AP). They would want to distant self from the reminder....it would be painful to have the constant reminder of what they had done. They would not be looking to emotional invest anymore of self.

 

Affairs exact a toll. As long as one continues to use the same pathways....one continues to pay that toll.

 

Until the OP is able to be their own person, content with who they are...they will forever have the side-eye at whatever the XMM is doing/not doing. Having ones self-worth/value tied to another is fool hearted.

 

One would think that the goal would be...to not even notice what the XMM is doing...as he wouldn't even register.

 

I want to be clear here. The OP is NOT a friend of the marriage. For that fact alone....the OP is not a friend to the XMM....never was. She was his lover....with a lovers bias.

 

It is what it is.

 

Recognize it, accept it, work on self, move forward....living the life lessons one has learned. A truth for all.

[Katyp]

How did you did you just never talk again after 7 years? Did you love him?

I've been in my affair for 3 years and everytime I end it I go back. I wish I was strong to say it's over and move on. How do you do it? I'm trying now, again. I want out and to be myself again. i miss him so much when we don't speak and then I'll reach out.

 

This is a long message and I have done it in the hope that you can find something in my experience to help you realise that you do have the power to finally break it off with your MM.

 

Of course I loved him. I still do in a way. But that was a long time ago now. I would never have slept with a married man otherwise. That was the one and only time I ever had an affair and I was 24 when it first started. It was because I loved him that I finished with him. It had nothing to do with playing games in the hope that he would choose me. I always knew he would never choose me even though he did all the chasing and always showed his love and affection for me throughout the 7 years we were together.

 

I loved him with all my heart but I knew he was married so I never once allowed myself during our affair to think that anything could or would come of our relationship. It wasn’t my place to think like that as he was already taken and because he was married I never once told him I loved him either. He did tell me that it was impossible to choose between me and his wife and on one occasion he was in a lot of mental anguish as he wanted to be with me but couldn’t face walking away from his family. I never said anything in reply because it wasn’t my place to and I didn’t want to influence him either way.

 

At the end I came home one night from seeing him and I realised that I wanted to see more of him. I also realised that I had to break it off with him because my feelings had deepened even more towards him. I thought it better that I be hurt and upset than his wife and children as I was single so I could easily meet someone else, whereas his wife would have been devastated and it would have changed her life and their two children’s lives forever. (They were about 4 and 6 at the time.) So I finished with him by phone when he called me the next day. He asked to see me but I said there was no point as I wanted to see more of him and for that reason it had to end. He said he had invested too much time in his family to walk away which I accepted as that was never the issue. He never contacted me again and he is still married to his wife so I'm pleased it worked out for them after all.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Katyp

[AlwaysGrowing]

I disagree.

 

The OP has shown that they have no regard for the XMM marriage. They have shown that if the circumstances are just so.....they will do what feels right in the moment. They have shown poor judgement. They have shown a lack of boundaries for themselves and a lack of boundaries in the workplace in regard to the XMM.

 

The fact the OP feels embarrassment over the lack of friendship with the XMM within eyesight of fellow co-workers points to a high need for validation. Someone who is remorseful for being involved in an affair, would feel embarrassment/shame when confronted with their actions (seeing the AP). They would want to distant self from the reminder....it would be painful to have the constant reminder of what they had done. They would not be looking to emotional invest anymore of self.

 

Affairs exact a toll. As long as one continues to use the same pathways....one continues to pay that toll.

 

Until the OP is able to be their own person, content with who they are...they will forever have the side-eye at whatever the XMM is doing/not doing. Having ones self-worth/value tied to another is fool hearted.

 

One would think that the goal would be...to not even notice what the XMM is doing...as he wouldn't even register.

 

I want to be clear here. The OP is NOT a friend of the marriage. For that fact alone....the OP is not a friend to the XMM....never was. She was his lover....with a lovers bias.

 

It is what it is.

 

Recognize it, accept it, work on self, move forward....living the life lessons one has learned. A truth for all.

 

 

I wanted to add:

 

The toll price for an affair...is the friendship.

[Lobe]

I wanted to add:

 

The toll price for an affair...is the friendship.

 

I took the point loveisinaction was making as that the desire for a "friendship" is really just a front, and a bad idea - if sunshinchica and her xMM insist on being around each other, it's not innocent. I concur that the toll is the friendship.

 

Read "NOT just friends" to see the slippery slope you're standing on.

[loveisanaction]

I disagree.

 

The OP has shown that they have no regard for the XMM marriage. They have shown that if the circumstances are just so.....they will do what feels right in the moment. They have shown poor judgement. They have shown a lack of boundaries for themselves and a lack of boundaries in the workplace in regard to the XMM.

 

The fact the OP feels embarrassment over the lack of friendship with the XMM within eyesight of fellow co-workers points to a high need for validation. Someone who is remorseful for being involved in an affair, would feel embarrassment/shame when confronted with their actions (seeing the AP). They would want to distant self from the reminder....it would be painful to have the constant reminder of what they had done. They would not be looking to emotional invest anymore of self.

 

Affairs exact a toll. As long as one continues to use the same pathways....one continues to pay that toll.

 

Until the OP is able to be their own person, content with who they are...they will forever have the side-eye at whatever the XMM is doing/not doing. Having ones self-worth/value tied to another is fool hearted.

 

One would think that the goal would be...to not even notice what the XMM is doing...as he wouldn't even register.

 

I want to be clear here. The OP is NOT a friend of the marriage. For that fact alone....the OP is not a friend to the XMM....never was. She was his lover....with a lovers bias.

 

It is what it is.

 

Recognize it, accept it, work on self, move forward....living the life lessons one has learned. A truth for all.

 

I understand where you're coming from but i'm not sure you understood my post.

[Chica80]

Thank you for the advice. These are things to ponder over. All of these which I have already thought of myself.

 

I did not pursue him. I didn't start to go after him. I am not a victim, I knew what I was getting myself into. But would like to add that I was married I had children. He was not. He is married now....

 

I want to be clear here. The OP is NOT a friend of the marriage. For that fact alone....the OP is not a friend to the XMM....never was. She was his lover....with a lovers bias.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but you don't know me you don't know my situation.

The OP has shown that they have no regard for the XMM marriage. They have shown that if the circumstances are just so.....they will do what feels right in the moment. They have shown poor judgement. They have shown a lack of boundaries for themselves and a lack of boundaries in the workplace in regard to the XMM.

 

This is true and untrue. Poor judgement yes, lack of boundaries of course. My own personal needs for love validation whatever you want to call it. But as for no regard not true. I have tried to end it before. I have told him that we can't be friends. If the roles were reversed it was his wife who still had contact w AP, would that be ok. Of course not. If me talking to him was causing him problems and issues then I won't anymore. He said no it is not a problem, if we don't cross certain boundaries. There are times when he has invited me to things, once at his home. I said no I may do a lot of things wrong but I will not come to your house and disrespect your wife that way.

 

 

 

 

Katy This is how I feel. I love him I do. I think he loves me. BUT I understand that to continue to be in A is harmful. Is selfish, unfair to everyone. I have always thought that. If I love him. If I truly do then I will want what is best for him, not what is best for myself. And a relationship like this is good for no one.

 

LOBE So I said last night I want the impossible. I want to be able to be happy for him. To not be jealous or hurt when I think he is with his wife not me.

 

I am moving forward with my life. Small steps but I'm trying.

 

So I don't know. I don't know if I am asking for something unrealistic.

[Lobe]

Completely impossible. But you know that. You know it's unlikely and I think you also know it's unhealthy. It's like an alcoholic working in a bar - can it work? Sure. Is it healthy? Wise? Safe? Nope.

 

I'm all about the NC, for your sanity, independence, and healing. I hope you'll consider carefully what it's going to cost you mentally and emotionally to be just friends.

 

I wish you luck - make sure you stay in tune with your thoughts and if you feel yourself pining for him, I hope you will consider going cold turkey. You owe this man nothing, and anyone who "notices" a change in your work contact probably has the power to out you - better if they do notice...

[Chica80]

Completely impossible. But you know that. You know it's unlikely and I think you also know it's unhealthy. It's like an alcoholic working in a bar - can it work? Sure. Is it healthy? Wise? Safe? Nope.

 

I'm all about the NC, for your sanity, independence, and healing. I hope you'll consider carefully what it's going to cost you mentally and emotionally to be just friends.

 

I wish you luck - make sure you stay in tune with your thoughts and if you feel yourself pining for him, I hope you will consider going cold turkey. You owe this man nothing, and anyone who "notices" a change in your work contact probably has the power to out you - better if they do notice...

 

Yes...Yes you are right. I know. People have noticed last year when I cut all contact I moved shifts I didn't talk or text. People at wrk were having a party for them. I didn't go. And everyone asked aren't you going why not blah blah. I just said because I'm not. One friend asked did something happen between you two. "I know it did because you are different" I said no and almost cried.

 

Maybe you are right. Friends is easier for him. He doesn't feel like the "bad guy" if we are still friends. And if we are the same at work then everything is the same for him. That's the angry part.....Why is his world still ok. Lovely wife, intact reputation, no problems at work....

 

I just don't want to be angry or sad either way. I just want to not care what he does or have that effect on my feelings.

 

Maybe "friends" is not the right word. I just want to not let it hurt me anymore. To look happy and be I'm moving on. So if I'm still "friendly" it doesn't bother me anymore. It means I;m not pining for you anymore or crying about you anymore.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Sunshinechica