No DDAY, minimal contact

[AlwaysGrowing]

In my world, sleeping with another persons BF/Fiancée/Husband or having an emotional/secretive relationship with them....is having no regard to the one being betrayed....regardless if it is done in their home or not.

 

One moves on, when they come to a place of acceptance. With acceptance, comes self reflection. With self reflection comes a life examined. With a life examined comes the lessons. With the lessons...a new self emerges. A self that can see life much more clearly. A self that sees others much more clearly. A self that guards against others and our own self deceits.

 

When we keep our focus on self....we are able to move on much faster. For self....is the only person/thing that we have total control over.

[Lobe]

Maybe "friends" is not the right word. I just want to not let it hurt me anymore. To look happy and be I'm moving on. So if I'm still "friendly" it doesn't bother me anymore. It means I;m not pining for you anymore or crying about you anymore.

 

Living well is the best revenge. Instead of friends you need a downgrade to colleagues or professional acquaintances. Strictly business.

 

But really, if I could, I'd just quit lol. I'm not quite that much of a sucker for punishment.

 

Colleague. That's your goal. Colleagues don't have a personal relationship. Aim for that.

[ladydesigner]

Having ones self-worth/value tied to another is fool hearted.

 

This I LOVE this^

 

I agree 100%

[ladydesigner]

Sunshinechica what if you started looking for a new place of employment (don't leave this one until you have a better one lined up of course ) and then leave MM behind in the dust? Start over? Find someone even more amazing than him (that is single of course) and totally into YOU!!!

[Chica80]

Yes I have tried. Before I separated I only worked part time, due to my kids. I have had to start working almost full time now. To take care of my bills, kids. I do not receive any from x.

 

I could go to another job but it is very difficult to find one like the one I have now, in my field. (I've looked) The hours. The money. They have been really awesome to let me change my hours to shorter hours on certain days, because of childcare. To be able to pick up more or less as needed. Everyone else has set days. but they let me be more flexible.

 

And I'm starting school back again next week. (online but still)

 

Ya I have thought about that the dating etc...I'm just not there yet.

 

Thanks for the ideas and advice.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Onlywhenitrains]

One moves on, when they come to a place of acceptance. With acceptance, comes self reflection. With self reflection comes a life examined. With a life examined comes the lessons. With the lessons...a new self emerges. A self that can see life much more clearly. A self that sees others much more clearly. A self that guards against others and our own self deceits.

 

When we keep our focus on self....we are able to move on much faster. For self....is the only person/thing that we have total control over.

 

THIS!!!

 

I needed to read this today! Thank you so much!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

So I said last night I want the impossible. I want to be able to be happy for him. To not be jealous or hurt when I think he is with his wife not me.

 

I am moving forward with my life. Small steps but I'm trying.

 

So I don't know. I don't know if I am asking for something unrealistic.

 

Hi Sunshine. Obviously I know your story. The only way it is possible is it you didn't love him and want to be with him. Then you wouldn't feel bad/sad and you could be friends. But you do love him and want to be with him.

 

You have 3 pages of posts from women. I'll give you the advice my H gave me - how to get over xMM. Flat out Ignore him and hate him. It is how he got over xOW. I'm not saying sit around dwelling but get angry. That is the male take. I did not try it for months. I am doing it now. It's powerful.

[Chica80]

Thx MB I appreciate the advice.

 

I'm feeling in a good place lately though. Moving forward. I guess that's why I think it's possible to be friends.

 

Because I've accepted we can't be together.

Yes he did alot of things that hurt me that are not ok. But I did to. So I don't want any ill feelings or even anything just peace, love of myself and move forward.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thx MB I appreciate the advice.

 

I'm feeling in a good place lately though. Moving forward. I guess that's why I think it's possible to be friends.

 

Because I've accepted we can't be together.

Yes he did alot of things that hurt me that are not ok. But I did to. So I don't want any ill feelings or even anything just peace, love of myself and move forward.

 

Well, I am glad you are feeling better. For me, I am not in contact with anyone I was ever involved with. I tried to be friends with xMM, I thought something was better than nothing. But these guys, they just want to be friends because it makes them feel better about themselves (hey, she is friends with me, I'm not a bad guy, I didn't hurt her) and they want to keep the door open. It's been said here a million times and I believe it.

 

But that is me, I understand your situation is different. Being friends hurts though. You will see him with his wedding ring on, hear about his life with her, etc. I couldn't deal. Why do that to myself? Plus it was never a real friendship anyway. Friends don't sleep together.

[Chica80]

Well, I am glad you are feeling better. For me, I am not in contact with anyone I was ever involved with. I tried to be friends with xMM, I thought something was better than nothing. But these guys, they just want to be friends because it makes them feel better about themselves (hey, she is friends with me, I'm not a bad guy, I didn't hurt her) and they want to keep the door open. It's been said here a million times and I believe it.

 

But that is me, I understand your situation is different. Being friends hurts though. You will see him with his wedding ring on, hear about his life with her, etc. I couldn't deal. Why do that to myself? Plus it was never a real friendship anyway. Friends don't sleep together.

 

Yes....totally true. You're right

[BluesPower]

My situation is a little different, because I have been both. And I have not looked up your other post about the affair if any and whether or not your husband found out. I hope you got a divorce for your own reasons and not because of your xMM.

 

 

I understand a lot of what you are feeling and how xMM may feel. I just ended my affair and my affair partner is heart broken. I did not lie to her, like a lot of them do, and I was straight with her the whole time. I let it go on too long and I knew that she loved my no matter what I said. I may not have "Loved" her the way that she loved me, but I did care for her a lot. I liked being with her and we had great sex. It was wrong of me in so many ways to let it go on, but I did and I realize that I am a POS. (I really do and I am reformed for the most part, so spare all the FU's and everything.)

 

 

I finally broke it off for several reasons, but here is the most important one, I did care for her and I realized that I could not let her waste her life waiting for me. I wanted her to move on and find someone that could be there for her the way that she needed and wanted.

 

 

Anyway, I know that you are hurting in a lot of ways, you have to be if you are getting a Divorce. Even if you don't love your husband, all of that still hurts.

 

 

But it is far, far better to find someone that if free to love you that way that you want to be. I believe that it is out there even if I personally don't get there again. With a all the stuff I have been through, if I end up divorcing my wife, I will never allow myself to fall in love again.

 

 

But, I hope you will not be that cynical, and give "Real" love a chance.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My situation is a little different, because I have been both. And I have not looked up your other post about the affair if any and whether or not your husband found out. I hope you got a divorce for your own reasons and not because of your xMM.

 

 

I understand a lot of what you are feeling and how xMM may feel. I just ended my affair and my affair partner is heart broken. I did not lie to her, like a lot of them do, and I was straight with her the whole time. I let it go on too long and I knew that she loved my no matter what I said. I may not have "Loved" her the way that she loved me, but I did care for her a lot. I liked being with her and we had great sex. It was wrong of me in so many ways to let it go on, but I did and I realize that I am a POS. (I really do and I am reformed for the most part, so spare all the FU's and everything.)

 

 

I finally broke it off for several reasons, but here is the most important one, I did care for her and I realized that I could not let her waste her life waiting for me. I wanted her to move on and find someone that could be there for her the way that she needed and wanted.

 

 

Anyway, I know that you are hurting in a lot of ways, you have to be if you are getting a Divorce. Even if you don't love your husband, all of that still hurts.

 

 

But it is far, far better to find someone that if free to love you that way that you want to be. I believe that it is out there even if I personally don't get there again. With a all the stuff I have been through, if I end up divorcing my wife, I will never allow myself to fall in love again.

 

 

But, I hope you will not be that cynical, and give "Real" love a chance.

 

Sunshine's OM is not married yet so technically they could actually be together, so it's worse. He is about to marry someone else and wants both. Sorry Sunshine, I just feel for you.

 

Blues, does your W know?

[Chica80]

Sunshine's OM is not married yet so technically they could actually be together, so it's worse. He is about to marry someone else and wants both. Sorry Sunshine, I just feel for you.

 

No worries MB. He is married now. He was not married when A started. He was engaged not long.

 

I did not lie to her, like a lot of them do, and I was straight with her the whole time. I let it go on too long and I knew that she loved my no matter what I said. I may not have "Loved" her the way that she loved me, but I did care for her a lot. I liked being with her and we had great sex. It was wrong of me in so many ways to let it go on, but I did and I realize that I am a POS. (I really do and I am reformed for the most part, so spare all the FU's and everything.)

 

 

I finally broke it off for several reasons, but here is the most important one, I did care for her and I realized that I could not let her waste her life waiting for me. I wanted her to move on and find someone that could be there for her the way that she needed and wanted.

 

Blues This is exactly what he says. All of it. He never lied. He never said I love you. It was implied and said other things but not I love you. He has never "broken" it off. He said he can't lead a double life.

What you said about moving on. Is exactly what he says. He doesn't want me to be on the side. Or waiting around. He wants me to have a full happy life with someone who can be with me openly.

 

The thing is I think in his mind as along as there is no PA. It is ok, "more acceptable". Which maybe is almost worse?

 

How long was your A BP? Why did you start in the first place.

[BluesPower]

To midnight, yes she knows. She does not know everything about all the women I have been with. We were more or less separated at the time so for now I am not going to tell her and I am not sure I will stay married. You will understand if bit - keep reading...

 

 

Sunshinechica - So I guess you were the married one when the affair started. Yes? So did your husband find out and that is the reason you divorced?

 

 

As to me and my A. Until about 5 years ago, I was a model of propriety, and I have always been a great father and until recent history I was the greatest husband in the world. No really kidding, but I was a really good husband in so many ways. Sunshinechica - to answer directly off and on for the last 5 years.

 

 

And look none of this is an excuse for being a POS like I was so I realize that. My marriage was horrible for 25 years, you just would not believe the sh** that went on. 11 years into the marriage I caught her having an affair with a friend of ours. I took her back, she never (at that time) took responsibility for her affair or what it did to me. We rug swept it. She had emotional and depressive issues that got worse and worse. I stood by her side and took care of her and raised my kids, mostly by myself. It was pure hell, but I "Had to take care of my wife and children at all costs". So I did.

 

 

I finally figured out, for various reasons, that what was going on with my wife was that she was a drug addict on top of everything else. She had been for at least the last 20 years of our marriage. I felt like such a fool for staying married to her after everything she put me through.

 

 

Surprise, surprise 18 months ago she got sober. She came back to life and during that time I had some space and clarity about life and how I had wasted mine. So about 3 months ago I realized that I was done and sat her down and told her that I was going to start seeing other woman and we were getting a divorce. I am glad that you are sober but I cannot get over your affair and all the sh** that you have put me through. I want a new life.

 

 

Surprise, surprise, she wakes up again and asks for another chance to prove to me that she loves and respects me and all that. And, I say OK???

 

 

I mean at this point I really have nothing to loose, so that is where we are at and it is going OK for the most part.

 

 

That is my story...

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I mean at this point I really have nothing to loose, so that is where we are at and it is going OK for the most part.

 

 

I guess you do not the woman you were sleeping with for 5 years anything of value and don't mind losing her. She must have been destroyed when you ended it, especially since you were separated. You do not miss her at all?

 

That part aside, your post really demonstrates how little we mean to these guys (and how stupid we are to basically wreck our lives over them). I commend you for being honest and to stick out a marriage for that long, well I guess you must really love your wife.

[Chica80]

Blues Yes I was married. No that's not why we are divorcing. I told him about A, because I was done and said I care about someone else. Even though we were not going to be together AP and I. I felt it was unfair not to tell H. We had alot of issues, unhealthy. He would prob say what you said about your W. That he did everything for our family took care of a "sick" wife. I have depression and some other mental health.

 

I felt he was never supportive. That I was always alone, that he used it as a weapon against me. Somehow me having depression was a reflection on him and all he did why couldn't I just be happy. Thats the short version. I've shared more of my story in other post and threads.

 

So when AP came along I thought he was so kind and going to "fix" everything that was wrong I guess..

That's been the hardest thing to understand. I know everyone says this but he is not like MM most OW post about.

 

I love him I want to be with him. Although he has never said so I'm pretty sure he loves me.

 

But it's unhealthy for all. We can't be together. So it doesn't really matter if I love him or if I'm the love of his life.There are so many other things that factor that are important. So that's why I need to move forward.

 

I can understand your A. It's not ok or justifiable but I can understand it.

Why do you think you stayed in marriage for so long?

I read somewhere you are in IC? Do you go to any support groups for spouses of addicts?

[BluesPower]

Midnight - I do think that people can have sex and not be in love. I cared about her a great deal, but I was not in love.

 

 

Also, it was not 5 years continuously we broke it off several times and I was not separated the whole time either. I totally admit that I was and maybe still am and A**hole. And I kind of went off the deep end for a while and I was a sl**. But I did not lie to these women, they came after me. I was straight and they kept coming, I don't feel that guilty about it.

 

 

Now my primary AP yes I miss her, we did have a relationship even if I was not IN love with her. But really she need someone to be with her and she needed to get over me. I am not a big enough AH to not see that, I think I did her a favor even if she is heart broken right now.

 

 

Sunshinechica - I want you to know that I love my wife, no matter what she has done to me, it is like some kind of cancer that I cannot cut out. I have taken care of her and all her issues. Until the last few years, I never cheated, I rushed home to take care of her and the children, while having a full time stressful management job. I did this for 25 years.

 

 

About 2 years ago I finally had stroke from everything and started to reevaluate what I was doing. I recovered, no worse for the ware but I started to think differently.

 

 

Yes I am in IC, trying to figure out what I will do. No I am not qualified to counsel about drug abuse, it took me 25 years to figure out my wife was an addict.

 

 

I'm still married because I love her, I am stupid for it but I love her. I wish that I did not in away, but I know that if we don't work out I will never "Love" again because it is just too painful.

 

 

Now I need to tell you this, Your OM does not love you. He left you and got married. He is even a bigger AH than I am. You need to figure out what you want out of love and find that person. You can chalk this marriage and your affair up to learning experiences.

 

 

Now you know what you don't want. Get better and move on. And please get over this guy. It was an affair and it was intense but it was not love.

[imperfectangel]

Those last two paragraphs are what I to needed to read. Thanks blue

[Chica80]

Midnight - I do think that people can have sex and not be in love. I cared about her a great deal, but I was not in love.

 

 

Also, it was not 5 years continuously we broke it off several times and I was not separated the whole time either. I totally admit that I was and maybe still am and A**hole. And I kind of went off the deep end for a while and I was a sl**. But I did not lie to these women, they came after me. I was straight and they kept coming, I don't feel that guilty about it.

 

 

Now my primary AP yes I miss her, we did have a relationship even if I was not IN love with her. But really she need someone to be with her and she needed to get over me. I am not a big enough AH to not see that, I think I did her a favor even if she is heart broken right now.

 

 

Sunshinechica - I want you to know that I love my wife, no matter what she has done to me, it is like some kind of cancer that I cannot cut out. I have taken care of her and all her issues. Until the last few years, I never cheated, I rushed home to take care of her and the children, while having a full time stressful management job. I did this for 25 years.

 

 

About 2 years ago I finally had stroke from everything and started to reevaluate what I was doing. I recovered, no worse for the ware but I started to think differently.

 

 

Yes I am in IC, trying to figure out what I will do. No I am not qualified to counsel about drug abuse, it took me 25 years to figure out my wife was an addict.

 

 

I'm still married because I love her, I am stupid for it but I love her. I wish that I did not in away, but I know that if we don't work out I will never "Love" again because it is just too painful.

 

 

Now I need to tell you this, Your OM does not love you. He left you and got married. He is even a bigger AH than I am. You need to figure out what you want out of love and find that person. You can chalk this marriage and your affair up to learning experiences.

 

 

Now you know what you don't want. Get better and move on. And please get over this guy. It was an affair and it was intense but it was not love.

 

Thank you for your advice. It has not been easy. At all. I go through these moments where I feel totally stronger better, and then something will happen and I'll come back.

 

Yes he had a choice he could have not got married but he did. As to what you said about not loving me. Your prob right. I do know it's not as simple as black and white though. Like you said you cared about your AP. He is a huge AH. But he knows it. Not getting married was not an option. In his mind it was not an option. It would destroy everything. I cant explain in details, but actions are how i know i did matter to him. Instances where my feelings where protected above and before his wifes.

Maybe it wasnt love but he did care about me. This is how I have come to understand our situation. I have a therapist and a really good friend who knows everything, details. So this is the point I have reached.

 

I'm choosing to go forward.

 

I didn't mean counseling as in you counsel. I meant as in al anon or groups like that.

[Chica80]

I am not in a good place....Not sure If posting here or should be an update?

 

I've been trying to move forward, Although maybe not really, I foolishly thought oh of course we could be friends and I could be happy for you because I want what's best for you blah blah blah...

 

He had a BBQ today invited me to come. In the past I have said no.

A. its disrespectful B. It is too painful (have gotten in arguments over it) I contemplated not going. For some reason thought I would be ok....

 

Nope.....not ok......The last time I was there was a year ago, when we were together a week before he left to get married. There's pictures of them all over, wedding pictures. Laughing and happy and all I could think was when you were laughing and smiling did you think at all about how my heart was breaking. Did you think at all about how you were having sex with someone else a week ago. Or did you think about the fact here I am getting married and I'm lying and deceiving the person I'm marrying, who I said I loved?

 

Please spare me the I deserve this and the emotional @**kicking I've done more than enough of that myself.

[BluesPower]

Babe I am so, so sorry. I know that it just hurts like he**.

 

I guess you know now it is just better to stay away.

 

Why are you getting married to someone you don't love anyway?

 

It will get better over time, I promise you that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am not in a good place....Not sure If posting here or should be an update?

 

I've been trying to move forward, Although maybe not really, I foolishly thought oh of course we could be friends and I could be happy for you because I want what's best for you blah blah blah...

 

He had a BBQ today invited me to come. In the past I have said no.

A. its disrespectful B. It is too painful (have gotten in arguments over it) I contemplated not going. For some reason thought I would be ok....

 

Nope.....not ok......The last time I was there was a year ago, when we were together a week before he left to get married. There's pictures of them all over, wedding pictures. Laughing and happy and all I could think was when you were laughing and smiling did you think at all about how my heart was breaking. Did you think at all about how you were having sex with someone else a week ago. Or did you think about the fact here I am getting married and I'm lying and deceiving the person I'm marrying, who I said I loved?

 

Please spare me the I deserve this and the emotional @**kicking I've done more than enough of that myself.

 

Hi Sunshine. I am sorry you are going through this. Were you able to keep it just friends these past weeks?

 

I also tried the friends thing and it did not work. It prevented me from moving on. Sometimes you just have to burn some bridges to prevent yourself from going backwards.

[Chica80]

Ya we were "friends" we haven't seen each other outside of wrk more than a month. We only talk about stuff going on wrk life etc. Nothing that would be innapropriate at all.

A couple of weeks ago he had extended an invitation to something else. I got angry and told him off. When he invited today, I was like well I've already but your hid off before and you still invited.

I know he invited because a bunch of wrk people were going to be there. So I wouldn't feel left out. I don't know. It's like he's trying to spare my feelings but it always ends up hurting more.

[Chica80]

Also something had come up at wrk the other day. He advocated for me to my supervisors. I said you can't do that people suspect something going on or was. He's in a higher position of sorts. I appreciate it but you can't.

I had then sent a text, basically what are we doing thinking we could be friends. This is torture. I'd thought with the way wrk was going to be I knew I would prob not see him for two weeks. It would give me a chance to start NC. ....and then the text today....

[road]

I realize that posting on a random forum to a bunch of strangers will give me many many answers.

 

If you decide to post on this thread please no cookie cutter answers or blankets statements.....Experiences, constructive critisicm, and points of view are highly welcome....

 

For reference:

A. I am not married I'm in the process of divorce

 

B I am not hoping to "restart" affair, no dday for AP.

 

C. Absolute NC is not possible, we work together (NO getting another job at the moment is not an option)

 

D. Neither AP nor myself want to continue in A.

 

 

For answers:

 

 

Until the judge say's you are not you are still married. Your mind set shows how you falsely justified your affair.

 

 

Hoping is a vague word. Just as effective as I am going to start a diet, tomorrow.

 

 

Options? The way you chose to have a PA you are choosing to not find a new job.

 

 

Baloney.