Will he ever marry me?

[Sweetpotato22]

So I'm not even entirely sure what I am posting this but it's been playing on my mind a little bit recently.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, living together for the past few months. We have a great time together and make each other laugh non stop. I adore him and couldn't think of anyone else who would 'get' me the way he does.

Anyway. A week or so ago I decided to ask him the big questions. Where are we headed? He said he very much would like to have kids in the future (not anytime soon- I am only 24), but does not wish to get married.

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage. He insists this is not due to his parents own messy divorce- but surely that must play a factor. He has been surrounded by marriages which have not worked out, which is the total opposite of my experiences within my own family. I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

Anyway. So he said that. And here is where it gets complicated. I know that his relationship with his most recent ex meant a great deal to him. She was from another country but moved here and lived with him in his mother's home for the best part of 2 years and he was besotted by her. When she eventually had to move home for reasons beyond their control he was utterly heartbroken. He still has some of her stuff in the attic and they are on friendly terms- chatting every other week or so via messages. She has even told him of her plans to move back here soon and her desire to see him. I know this and he has always been very open with me about it.

He reassures me however that, while he will always care for her, the door is closed romantically and he is committed to me. I don't like that they still communicate but I have to handle it as he has spoken to me and reassured me numerous times.

Here comes the big one. When we spoke about marriage the other day I asked him if he had always been so against it. And he admitted that he hasn't and there was a time, when he was with her, that he wanted to marry her. But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

WOW. ouch! I got pretty upset, and although he told me that there are reasons behind it e.g. He didn't feel so strongly against it then, and perhaps in time he could change his mind about it with me; I still feel very confused and wrong footed.

 

Does this mean he does not love Me as much as he did her- and possibly never will?

 

Could he ever change his mind- and why would he? My personality isn't going to change or get any better!

 

So confusing!

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack, Sweetpotato22.

 

How much time elapsed between the breakup with his ex, and when you began dating?

[Sweetpotato22]

Just over a year- and he hasn't seen her in almost 4 years!

[Satu]

Just over a year- and he hasn't seen her in almost 4 years!

 

I don't understand this.

 

There was a gap of one year between breaking up with her, and getting together with you, but he hasn't seen her for four years, and you've been together for two?

 

Sorry. I don't get it.

[Sweetpotato22]

Sorry sorry I meant 3! Typo!

[Sweetpotato22]

He hasn't seen her for 3

[mikeylo]

Will he ever marry me?

 

No

 

10 characters

[Satu]

He hasn't seen her for 3

 

Thanks. I get it now.

 

I think that you and he need to talk a bit more, and probably more than once.

 

I wouldn't doubt his feelings for you, and his commitment to you.

 

 

Remember that happiness can only be experienced in the present.

 

If you make the present as good as it can be, the future takes care of itself.

 

The past does not create the present, but the present does create the future.

 

Thats a nice paradox, don't you think?

 

 

You could do two things:

 

 

1. Let him know that you would like to be married eventually.

 

2. Agree to talk seriously about marriage at a future time, such as in one year, or two years from now.

 

 

I'm slightly concerned about his fondness for his ex, but I don't think there's anything diabolical about it.

 

Talk a bit more, and agree on a timescale for beginning to talk seriously about marriage.

 

Then just carry on being happy together.

 

 

Take care.

[angel.eyes]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, living together for the past few months. We have a great time together and make each other laugh non stop... I decided to ask him the big questions. Where are we headed? He said he very much would like to have kids in the future (not anytime soon- I am only 24), but does not wish to get married.

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage. I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

Sorry to say, but he's not interested in marrying you. You should have believed him when he first said it rather than hoping he would change his mind. All you've done is make it tougher on yourself by getting more emotionally invested despite the inevitable outcome--he's not going to marry you, which is what you ultimately want.

 

I know that his relationship with his most recent ex meant a great deal to him...he was besotted by her...When we spoke about marriage the other day I asked him if he had always been so against it. And he admitted that he hasn't and there was a time, when he was with her, that he wanted to marry her. But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

So, the reality is that he doesn't want marriage with you. He's actually okay with getting married if it's someone else. When guys say they aren't ready for a relationship, aren't ready to date, don't want to get married, etc., always add "with you." Often, that's what they really mean. The right person for them hasn't come along yet. For whatever reason, you aren't the right person for him. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or anything that you need to change specifically. It just means you aren't the right person for him. Again, it would have been less painful to walk away when he first said he didn't want to marry (you) than to drag things out as long as you did and move in together.

 

WOW. ouch! I got pretty upset, and although he told me that there are reasons behind it e.g. He didn't feel so strongly against it then, and perhaps in time he could change his mind about it with me; I still feel very confused and wrong footed.

We like who we like! There's not much that can be done about this. Be thankful that he has been honest repeatedly. Getting angry with him, just made him back track a little, but it doesn't change the reality of his feelings, his perception of you, or your situation--he's not marrying you. All you've done with your outburst is make him more guarded about how he states this. But again, nothing has changed. He's still not willing to marry you. You can waste another six months or six years on this. That's your choice. But he's been totally upfront that what you currently have is all you're going to get out of this. If you want marriage, then you're going to have to find someone else.

 

3.5 billion men on this earth. Trust me, he's not the only one who will make you laugh or who will totally get you. Stop wasting your time in a dead end relationship.

 

If you need motivation to cut the cord, look at all the "Why won't he marry me" threads in the Getting Married forum from all the women who stuck it out for five, seven, ten, or more years.

 

He may love you, but you're Ms Right Now, not Ms Right. He doesn't see you as a fit for lifetime partner.

[Arieswoman]

sweetpotato22,

 

You want to marry this guy.

 

He says he doesn't want to get married.

 

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage

 

and you said

 

I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

 

there was a time, when he was with her, that he wanted to marry her. But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

 

The question is, how long do you want to hang about to see if he changes his mind?

 

And I don't like this one bit ;

 

He still has some of her stuff in the attic and they are on friendly terms- chatting every other week or so via messages. She has even told him of her plans to move back here soon and her desire to see him

 

IMO he isn't over her, and i would tread very warily here...

 

Good luck x

[Gaeta]

Breaks my heart when I read those stories.

 

He said he very much would like to have kids in the future (not anytime soon- I am only 24), but does not wish to get married.

 

Are you sure he meant he would like to have children with you or he meant he would like to have children as a general statement?

 

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage. He insists this is not due to his parents own messy divorce- but surely that must play a factor. He has been surrounded by marriages which have not worked out, which is the total opposite of my experiences within my own family. I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

At first when he started dating you it was a general statement 'don't think I want to get married'. Now because he has dated you for 2 years and lived with you for a few months, he knows deep in his heart he does not want to get married with you. re: feels more strongly about not getting married.

 

He still has some of her stuff in the attic and they are on friendly terms- chatting every other week or so via messages. She has even told him of her plans to move back here soon and her desire to see him. I know this and he has always been very open with me about it.

Why did you EVER agree to get along with this is beyond me.

 

He reassures me however that, while he will always care for her, the door is closed romantically and he is committed to me.

If he were committed to you he would have wished her the best of luck and not keep a close contact with her. Talking every other week is too much for only being mutual respect. Talking this much kept his feelings for her well alive.

 

But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

After 2 years and hearing this from him, this is when you make your exit. This would be extremely offensive to me and unbearable. I would end it.

 

Yes, it does mean he does not love you as much as he loved her. No he will not change his mind after 2 years.

 

You are only 24 years old. You still have your whole life in front of you. This is not the man of your life. End this and find yourself a man that is besotted with YOU.

[Springsummer]

After 2 years and hearing this from him, this is when you make your exit. This would be extremely offensive to me and unbearable. I would end it.

 

Me too !

[oldshirt]

he may have pretty blue eyes and rippling abz and he may make you laugh and he may make your jay-jay tingle when he gives you that twinkle in his eye.

 

but you two have very different values, objectives and agendas on a life-plan and on how you believe life should be on very critical and foundational concepts.

 

He may be fun and make you orgasm but you two are very incompatible in your core belief systems and core values. This will end very badly for you if you continue to try to pound a square peg into a round hole.

 

You are asking the wrong questions. Why are you asking if someone who has clearly stated that they do not believe in marriage and who wants to impregnate someone out of wedlock if they will ever marry you???

 

The real question is why is someone with traditional values who wants to be married and have a real home and family, spending time with someone who does not???

[oldshirt]

 

You are asking the wrong questions. Why are you asking if someone who has clearly stated that they do not believe in marriage and who wants to impregnate someone out of wedlock if they will ever marry you???

 

The real question is why is someone with traditional values who wants to be married and have a real home and family, spending time with someone who does not???

 

Let's talk about dating for a moment. The purpose of dating is that is western culture we choose our own mates instead of having them chosen for us by our families and the church and the community etc.

 

The role of dating is to spend time with someone and get to know who and what they are in an effort to determine if we share basic compatibilities and basic core values and beliefs with them or not to determine if that person will be the one we want to spend the rest of our days with and have a home and family and socio-legal commitment (ie legal marriage) with.

 

You have now spent two years with him which is plenty of time to get to know him and get to know his values and beliefs and you have come out and asked him his vision of the future.

 

His vision of the future is to knock someone up out of wedlock and not marry.

 

Does that jive with your core values and beliefs and is the life of an unwed mother the future that you have envisioned for yourself????

[Redhead14]

So I'm not even entirely sure what I am posting this but it's been playing on my mind a little bit recently.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, living together for the past few months. We have a great time together and make each other laugh non stop. I adore him and couldn't think of anyone else who would 'get' me the way he does.

Anyway. A week or so ago I decided to ask him the big questions. Where are we headed? He said he very much would like to have kids in the future (not anytime soon- I am only 24), but does not wish to get married.

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage. He insists this is not due to his parents own messy divorce- but surely that must play a factor. He has been surrounded by marriages which have not worked out, which is the total opposite of my experiences within my own family. I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

Anyway. So he said that. And here is where it gets complicated. I know that his relationship with his most recent ex meant a great deal to him. She was from another country but moved here and lived with him in his mother's home for the best part of 2 years and he was besotted by her. When she eventually had to move home for reasons beyond their control he was utterly heartbroken. He still has some of her stuff in the attic and they are on friendly terms- chatting every other week or so via messages. She has even told him of her plans to move back here soon and her desire to see him. I know this and he has always been very open with me about it.

He reassures me however that, while he will always care for her, the door is closed romantically and he is committed to me. I don't like that they still communicate but I have to handle it as he has spoken to me and reassured me numerous times.

Here comes the big one. When we spoke about marriage the other day I asked him if he had always been so against it. And he admitted that he hasn't and there was a time, when he was with her, that he wanted to marry her. But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

WOW. ouch! I got pretty upset, and although he told me that there are reasons behind it e.g. He didn't feel so strongly against it then, and perhaps in time he could change his mind about it with me; I still feel very confused and wrong footed.

 

Does this mean he does not love Me as much as he did her- and possibly never will?

 

Could he ever change his mind- and why would he? My personality isn't going to change or get any better!

 

So confusing!

 

These are subjects that should have been addressed way before 2 years rolled around.

 

But right now he doesn't feel that way about me. --Could he ever change his mind- If he doesn't know he loves you enough to marry you by now, it's not likely to change. He's been with you for two years and is apparently at least completely content with the way things are, why would he go to another level when it's working well enough for him anyway . . .

 

Tell him your goal is to be married in a couple of years and that you are going to move on to find someone who has the same goals you have for the future.

[preraph]

Sorry to have to say but a man isn't going to tell you he doesn't want to marry you if there is ANY chance he might want to marry you ever. And you shouldn't have kids with him if he doesn't want to commit to you. You deserve better. He felt more for her and he's going to keep looking for that again. You take your birth control and don't even consider having kids with him.

[oldshirt]

 

. A week or so ago I decided to ask him the big questions. Where are we headed? He said he very much would like to have kids in the future (not anytime soon- I am only 24), but does not wish to get married.

 

He said he cannot see the value in a wedding or a marriage.

 

He has been surrounded by marriages which have not worked out,

 

I knew he felt like this- he has said it before. But this time he seemed to feel more strongly.

 

 

So he said that.

 

 

 

Here comes the big one. When we spoke about marriage the other day I asked him if he had always been so against it. And he admitted that he hasn't and there was a time, when he was with her, that he wanted to marry her. But right now he doesn't feel that way about me.

WOW. ouch!

 

 

 

 

!

 

OK now lets break down what he has said and let's put it into nuts and bolts terms and meanings.

 

When someone says they do not want to get married and/or that they do not believe in married etc etc we must believe them and take them at their word and not think in the back of our minds that we can change them or get them to change their minds.

 

When some does not want to get married/doesn't believe in marriage, it means two things -

 

- one is that they want to be able to walk away without any liabilities and without any baggage or entanglements when they are no longer having fun and/or when someone else comes along that they think may be a bigger, better deal.

 

- the other reason and the reason that is more common, is that they do not want to marry YOU.

 

Yes that is an "ouch!" and I know that hurts to hear, but it is the honest truth and it what I will be telling my own daughter some day.

 

Contrary to what other women will tell you or TV sitcoms or Rom Com movies will tell you, men are not afraid of commitment. Men are not afraid of marriage or of home and family life. They are not unsure of what they want and they are not 'confused' about what they want.

 

They simply do not want to marry the person they are with at this time. It has nothing to do with fear or confusion etc etc. Men are simple. They do what they want and they don't do what they don't want.

 

If a man isn't doing something, it's because he doesn't want to.

[CarrieT]

Yeah, I'm with the others on this one...

 

He doesn't want to marry you.

[oldshirt]

so lets talk briefly about what a man does that does want to have a future and does want to marry and have a home and family with the person he is involved with.

 

for starters there is no questions that the woman needs to be asking him. A man who knows the woman he is with is 'the one' he will describe to her the future he envisions them having and describes to her how he wants life to go and what he wants your lives together to be.

 

He will ask you questions to determine if his vision of the future jives with your life-goals and visions etc.

 

He will bring you into his family and social circle to see how well you fit into his family and social life.

 

He will try to fit into your family and social circle to see how he fits into your family and social life.

 

He will discuss with your parents (father)and possibly siblings your future together and seek their approval and blessings.

 

He will purchase a ring of approx. 25-30% of his annual income.

 

He will make a formal proposal of marriage and wait for your answer.

 

If the proposal is accepted, he will seek suitable housing for you as a couple and potentially growing family.

 

He will work on a budget and lifestyle based on your combined incomes and debts.

 

He will be involved in the wedding planning (as much as you and your mother and your sisters will allow him) and working with the people officiating the wedding the caterers and event venues etc etc.

 

I could go on and on but I think you should hopefully be seeing my point here.

 

A man that wants to marry and have a home and family with someone ACTUALLY DOES THINGS TO MAKE IT OCCUR. In otherwords,it's all about positive actions that take things towards making it a reality.

[oldshirt]

so lets talk briefly about what a man does that does want to have a future and does want to marry and have a home and family with the person he is involved with.

 

for starters there is no questions that the woman needs to be asking him. A man who knows the woman he is with is 'the one' he will describe to her the future he envisions them having and describes to her how he wants life to go and what he wants your lives together to be.

 

He will ask you questions to determine if his vision of the future jives with your life-goals and visions etc.

 

He will bring you into his family and social circle to see how well you fit into his family and social life.

 

He will try to fit into your family and social circle to see how he fits into your family and social life.

 

He will discuss with your parents (father)and possibly siblings your future together and seek their approval and blessings.

 

He will purchase a ring of approx. 25-30% of his annual income.

 

He will make a formal proposal of marriage and wait for your answer.

 

If the proposal is accepted, he will seek suitable housing for you as a couple and potentially growing family.

 

He will work on a budget and lifestyle based on your combined incomes and debts.

 

He will be involved in the wedding planning (as much as you and your mother and your sisters will allow him) and working with the people officiating the wedding the caterers and event venues etc etc.

 

I could go on and on but I think you should hopefully be seeing my point here.

 

A man that wants to marry and have a home and family with someone ACTUALLY DOES THINGS TO MAKE IT OCCUR. In otherwords,it's all about positive actions that take things towards making it a reality.

 

Now lets compare and contrast that with your situation.

 

In the scenario above, the woman does not need to ask where they are going or what their future is because he has already outlined it for her.

 

The natural order of the world is the males lead the females into their world.

 

If a female has to ask - she already has the answer.

 

Now in your case, you asked and he candidly told you he does not believe in marriage. Doesn't want to get married. Was considering marrying someone else before you, but now doesn't want to.

 

And yet he wants to impregnate someone and make her an unwed mother of his children. In otherwords, he wants his genetic progeny to grow up fatherless and with an unwed mother.

 

Does any of this sound like the kind of man you want to spread your legs for and bear his offspring so he can have some fun for awhile until it is not fun and then have him head off and leave you to raise the offspring??????

 

Do his blue eyes and quick wit, still sound like enough of a sound investment to remain with this person?

 

Does he sound like someone that has a deep respect and admiration and love for you that he is planning a future home and family with you and wants to integrate his family and social circle with your family and social circle and create a new life together with you???

 

I am sorry. I know this has to be painful to read, but I would rather you hurt now and save yourself a lifetime of grief, rather than to just keep pumping your time and energies into a man that is simply not that into you.

[oldshirt]

I am truly not trying to be mean or hurt your feelings. It is quite the opposite in fact. I am trying to save you a world of hurt and devastation.

 

Yes, he enjoys your company and he enjoys ejaculating inside you. But if he was serious about having a home and family and future with you, he would be doing the things I listed above and he would be doing them without you asking.

 

You are fun and entertainment for him. Not a serious potential mate and life partner.

 

I am sorry.

[oldshirt]

The good news here is you are 24 and at the peak of your market value.

 

You will be able to replace him easily for the next few years. Once you are out from under any entanglements from him, there will be lots of suitors vying for your attentions.

 

One of them will have similar values, beliefs and objectives and will stick :-D

[Romantic Gentleman]

Put yourself in your shoes, if an ex did that to you. There might always still be a special place in his heart for her, as something like that might not go away, especially after she just said she was coming back. That's something you cannot control, but that's good he's honest with you about their past. It doesn't mean he loved her more than you, it may be just feelings or memories coming back from the past. Sounds like what you two have is special, so just be honest with him about how you feel