For those of you who have experienced infidelity

[ksol9]

For those of you who have experienced infidelity in your marriages or relationships...after confrontation, if you or your partner left, did you go through a period of no contact?

 

Of course, you experience a lot of anger and resentment especially in the first few days even weeks making it difficult to communicate effectively. Heightened emotions can get in the way of thinking and speaking clearly. In most cases, if the partner who cheated is remorseful, doors of communication can be left open and reconciliation may follow when the reality of the situation settles in. Both partners will then begin speaking about the motivations behind the cheating and what the plan is moving forward, but what happens when doors to communication have been closed? What happens when the betrayed partners leaves out of anger, confusion, ect...and does not show any signs they are open to communicating? What happens when the cheating partner takes a step back allows for some space and communication has ceased for days maybe even weeks? Is it likely they will reconcile? Is it likely for communication to reopen after a long period of no communication?

[ExpatInItaly]

After 7.5 years together, I discovered that my ex was being unfaithful with a coworker. He left the night I confirmed it (We'd lived together for about 6.5 years)

 

We went very limited contact after that, as we shared an apartment, car, some finances and so on. We still needed to sort out those logistics, so we had to communicate occasionally.

 

We never reconciled, as neither of us seemed interested in doing so. He'd found someone else (ie. the woman he cheated with) I was so turned off I didn't want to see him again, and we went our separate ways.

 

He randomly sent me one apology email about 1.5 years after we broke up, but that was the last I communicated with him. It's been about 4.5 years since we separated and haven't had any contact at all since that last email. I have fully moved on, as has he, and honestly I am much happier for it. I'd never be able to get past that kind of betrayal anyway.

[drifter777]

Infidelity should be the end of a relationship. Reconciliation is a fancy word for the betrayed to use rather than "yeah, I settled for a cheater because it was easier". Only the strong, well-adjusted BS is strong enough to accept reality and move forward with their life.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think TRUE 'remorse' is about as rare as a blue moon.

 

Let's be honest here. Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater lied to your face over and over and over on any given day in order to keep their dirty secret?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' every time the cheater came home late for dinner or begged off going to their kid's soccer game or couldn't go with their BS to a family function under the guise of having to work or some other commitment because they were really spending time with their affair partner?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was making their BS think they were crazy or imagining things when they'd see or hear something suspicious and the cheater purposely gas-lit them and made them feel bad or guilty for having those suspicions?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was staining just about every single facet of the BS's life by bringing their affair partner in their cars and for a lot of them, inside their homes and in the marital bed?

 

And where was all this 'remorse' on any given day when the cheater was rewriting their marital history to make themselves sound like saints and their BS sound like Satan or Satan's sister? Or when they were planning their supposed get-away with their affair partner - sometime in the future when the cheater finally 'rid' themselves of that horrible BS they were so unfortunately stuck with?

 

Where was all that 'remorse' then?

 

It's pretty convenient that the supposed remorse doesn't start flowing until AFTER they're caught and actually stand to LOSE something. Then, it's suddenly flowing from the rafters.

 

But not everyone sees 'remorse' as some kind of magic element that neutralizes the complete SH*IT SHOW they were forced to endure for a year or two years or five, etc. Not everyone is going to be open to talking about reconciliation or considering it - which for some BS's, is akin to agreeing to a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches for the rest of their lives. Some demand better.

 

In the famous words of Patty Smythe, sometimes, love JUST ain't enough.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[Arieswoman]

ksol9,

After DD I served myexH and his AP with papers and asked him to leave and he finally went after a month.

 

There was then NC (except via solictors) until after the divorce was finalised and then he came back to the matrimonal home (which was now mine because I bought him out) to collect his mail.

 

He then started with a sob-story about he wasn't happy with her etc etc. I shut this down real fast.

 

I wasn't as informed then about "cheater-speak", gaslighting, manipulation, and all the other ploys that cheaters use but one thing was for sure - that was that I wasn't ever going to let back into my life a man who had promised to love and cherish me and had then f***ed another woman in our bed and lied about it.

 

End of.

 

I never, ever, got an apology from him , just a load of whiny crap about how he wished he could turn the clock back etc. He never owned what he did or even tried to make amends.

 

Hope that answers your question.

[Nox]

With all the cheaters I've had thus far, they always came back after a while and tried to establish some sort of contact, to eventually end up saying how they miss me and so on... It happened both with those who left me and with the ones I left.

 

The thing is, even though the break ups may have been dramatic, afterwards I didn't cause any drama, there was absolutely no contact initiated by me and they all came back when I finally stopped caring whether they'll come back or not.

 

 

That's how it went so far. Yesterday I found out that my recently ex boyfriend was cheating, and today I found out it has been going on for 5 months. And he's in a relationship with her, it's not even messing around with multiple girls (from an emotional point of view, it would be less of a treason). On the other hand, the break up is so recent for me, it was just 3 days ago that I still hoped we had a chance of making it work

I don't think he'll ever come back asking for forgiveness, and I don't think he's capable of that. On the other hand I don't plan on waiting for that either.

 

Basically I'm gonna do the same thing as always. Dignity and no contact.

 

 

I think TRUE 'remorse' is about as rare as a blue moon.

 

Let's be honest here. Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater lied to your face over and over and over on any given day in order to keep their dirty secret?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' every time the cheater came home late for dinner or begged off going to their kid's soccer game or couldn't go with their BS to a family function under the guise of having to work or some other commitment because they were really spending time with their affair partner?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was making their BS think they were crazy or imagining things when they'd see or hear something suspicious and the cheater purposely gas-lit them and made them feel bad or guilty for having those suspicions?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was staining just about every single facet of the BS's life by bringing their affair partner in their cars and for a lot of them, inside their homes and in the marital bed?

 

And where was all this 'remorse' on any given day when the cheater was rewriting their marital history to make themselves sound like saints and their BS sound like Satan or Satan's sister? Or when they were planning their supposed get-away with their affair partner - sometime in the future when the cheater finally 'rid' themselves of that horrible BS they were so unfortunately stuck with?

 

Where was all that 'remorse' then?

 

It's pretty convenient that the supposed remorse doesn't start flowing until AFTER they're caught and actually stand to LOSE something. Then, it's suddenly flowing from the rafters.

 

But not everyone sees 'remorse' as some kind of magic element that neutralizes the complete SH*IT SHOW they were forced to endure for a year or two years or five, etc. Not everyone is going to be open to talking about reconciliation or considering it - which for some BS's, is akin to agreeing to a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches for the rest of their lives. Some demand better.

 

In the famous words of Patty Smythe, sometimes, love JUST ain't enough.

 

This! I keep this in mind after dealing with a cheater. I imagine myself as him, while he's deciding to go ahead and cheat. Just that one second of imagination is enough to feel disgusted.

[Kkristine]

Mine's pretty fresh, as it happened almost 3 months ago.

 

The day after it happened, we met at the park. That was our first confrontation. It was the weirdest 20 minutes of my life. I didn't even cry. I was so numb. He didn't show any remorse. He wanted her, and I didn't want him anymore. I just wanted answers.

 

We haven't spoken since.

[Space Ritual]

For those of you who have experienced infidelity in your marriages or relationships...after confrontation, if you or your partner left, did you go through a period of no contact?

 

Of course, you experience a lot of anger and resentment especially in the first few days even weeks making it difficult to communicate effectively. Heightened emotions can get in the way of thinking and speaking clearly. In most cases, if the partner who cheated is remorseful, doors of communication can be left open and reconciliation may follow when the reality of the situation settles in. Both partners will then begin speaking about the motivations behind the cheating and what the plan is moving forward, but what happens when doors to communication have been closed? What happens when the betrayed partners leaves out of anger, confusion, ect...and does not show any signs they are open to communicating? What happens when the cheating partner takes a step back allows for some space and communication has ceased for days maybe even weeks? Is it likely they will reconcile? Is it likely for communication to reopen after a long period of no communication?

 

Sadly what most people do not understand is that there is a vast difference between remorse and regret. Reaching a point of remorse takes a long time and much personal insight after suffering consequences of one's actions.

 

Regret is more about the cheater feeling bad about getting caught.

 

True Remorse is when the cheater arrives at the realization how their actions affected their betrayed spouse or SO and makes a genuine attempt to help the betrayed heal,without any guarantees that the relationship can be started or continue.

 

The work necessary to reach true remorse is often too daunting for the cheater since they are a broken person inside already. That is why most cheaters demonstrate regret at ether getting caught or lying to their S.O. or spouse.

 

There is a saying about Remorse that answers the question with: "You'll know it when you see it".

 

Some people can remain in contact with the cheater or reestablish contact with them, but for many, myself included, it is a dealbreaker.

 

 

You have much to lean about what Remorse actually looks like.

[Dis]

Its comforting to hear other people have gone through this other than myself

 

I was with my ex for 2 and a half years....we loved each other like crazy....but his idea of love was pretty sick

 

I didnt realize he was cheating until after I broke up with him and packed all his stuff....it wasnt until the dust settled I realized what he was doing

 

I felt so naive...so blind that I didnt see through his lies and inconsistencies....I actually still feel that way to this day

 

The last time I saw him was the night I broke up with him...he sobbed like a baby....a 6' 4", 280lb man....held his head in his hands and sobbed....but his tears could never measure up to the sea of tears I shed during the relationship....when he was telling me he was going over his "brothers house" or on a "trip to Boston for work"...when I saw shady texts....a topless pic of a woman in his phone....scratches on his back...condoms in his car (which we never used)...how the f*ckin h*ll did I not put the pieces together???????????

Its been alittle over a year now and every so often I remember something he did....something sketchy that screamed, "I'm cheatingggg!!!" And I think to myself....how was I so blind????

 

Even though its been over a year he still texts me...saying he still loves me, he wants to talk to me, to pls pls talk to him, that he misses me. Blah Blah....I never responded

 

He has no idea that I know he cheated on me....I know if I told him he'd lie...he was always absolutely incapable of telling the truth....that will probably never change

 

Sometimes....I wish he knew that I know he was cheating....but tbh... he doesnt deserve to hear a word from me ever again

[Dis]

Its comforting to hear other people have gone through this other than myself

 

I was with my ex for 2 and a half years....we loved each other like crazy....but his idea of love was pretty sick

 

I didnt realize he was cheating until after I broke up with him and packed all his stuff....it wasnt until the dust settled I realized what he was doing

 

I felt so naive...so blind that I didnt see through his lies and inconsistencies....I actually still feel that way to this day

 

The last time I saw him was the night I broke up with him...he sobbed like a baby....a 6' 4", 280lb man....held his head in his hands and sobbed....but his tears could never measure up to the sea of tears I shed during the relationship....when he was telling me he was going over his "brothers house" or on a "trip to Boston for work"...when I saw shady texts....a topless pic of a woman in his phone....scratches on his back...condoms in his car (which we never used)...how the f*ckin h*ll did I not put the pieces together???????????

Its been alittle over a year now and every so often I remember something he did....something sketchy that screamed, "I'm cheatingggg!!!" And I think to myself....how was I so blind????

 

Even though its been over a year he still texts me...saying he still loves me, he wants to talk to me, to pls pls talk to him, that he misses me. Blah Blah....I never responded

 

He has no idea that I know he cheated on me....I know if I told him he'd lie...he was always absolutely incapable of telling the truth....that will probably never change

 

Sometimes....I wish he knew that I know he was cheating....but tbh... he doesnt deserve to hear a word from me ever again

 

***Also wanted to add that a year to the day I broke up with my ex....I walked in on my now most recent ex having sex with another woman.....

 

We were together for 3 months

 

Except this guy didnt give me ANY indication that he was a liar or a cheater....but the whole time I was with him I always has this horrible gut feeling that something was wrong...I couldnt shake it...

 

I handled this one differently though...it was the straw that broke the camal's back that made me do something I promised I'd never do....I'll just put it out there because I feel like I need to vent...I'm Wiccan, I'm a witch...I've been practicing for 12 years...I always told myself I'd never cross ethical lines when it came to witchcraft....but with this guy...I crossed those lines by leaps and bounds....I know what I did to him...and I hate to say it but I'm not sorry

 

This thread kind of got to me alittle...has me reflecting on the past...its alittle sad...thinking about it all makes me alittle angry/nostalgic/disillusioned/strangely hopeful

 

Geez....its been a sh*tty year

 

I know I'll find the right guy for me...my gut tells me I will. Although my past relationships have been truly disappointing...I know the best has yet to come...but its just not my time quite just yet

[Dis]

I think TRUE 'remorse' is about as rare as a blue moon.

 

Let's be honest here. Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater lied to your face over and over and over on any given day in order to keep their dirty secret?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' every time the cheater came home late for dinner or begged off going to their kid's soccer game or couldn't go with their BS to a family function under the guise of having to work or some other commitment because they were really spending time with their affair partner?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was making their BS think they were crazy or imagining things when they'd see or hear something suspicious and the cheater purposely gas-lit them and made them feel bad or guilty for having those suspicions?

 

Where was all this 'remorse' when the cheater was staining just about every single facet of the BS's life by bringing their affair partner in their cars and for a lot of them, inside their homes and in the marital bed?

 

And where was all this 'remorse' on any given day when the cheater was rewriting their marital history to make themselves sound like saints and their BS sound like Satan or Satan's sister? Or when they were planning their supposed get-away with their affair partner - sometime in the future when the cheater finally 'rid' themselves of that horrible BS they were so unfortunately stuck with?

 

Where was all that 'remorse' then?

 

It's pretty convenient that the supposed remorse doesn't start flowing until AFTER they're caught and actually stand to LOSE something. Then, it's suddenly flowing from the rafters.

 

But not everyone sees 'remorse' as some kind of magic element that neutralizes the complete SH*IT SHOW they were forced to endure for a year or two years or five, etc. Not everyone is going to be open to talking about reconciliation or considering it - which for some BS's, is akin to agreeing to a steady diet of sh*t sandwiches for the rest of their lives. Some demand better.

 

In the famous words of Patty Smythe, sometimes, love JUST ain't enough.

 

This is just amazing...so empowering...extremely validating

 

One of my fav posts I've seen on LS

[Nox]

The thing that gets me the most is that it happened to me several times, with several different men. Honestly it does hurt my ego. I thought it was a bit shameful - like I am not attractive enough for them, or don't turn them on ehough or what not...

 

But then, I remembered.. Truth be told, when my most recent relationship went into a crisis, it felt great to see that men around me are interested in me, wanna flirt and so on... But I didn't give in because I didn't wanna risk something I thought was great, and something that had that much history. My ex obviously embraced a different approach

 

So instead of beating myself up because "I drive men away" I realized I have a way more productive reason to beat myself up It's because I pick the wrong guys. I mentioned this accros several different topics already - had I acted with more dignity since the begining of the relationship, I'd never go long term with him. He was breaking up almost every time we had a fight (those were really short break ups, but still - it was like a micro proof that, in his mind, if a relationship is not perfect all the time, it calls for a breakup). A person with a healthy sense of self respect would not tolerate those constant breakups.

 

I just don't think that someone's only flaw can be that he's a cheater. There must be so much more. And we all probably looked the other way when those other issues appeared, and those issues indicate a weak character. At least I know I did.

I'm not saying that your cheaters had the same negative traits as my cheaters, but I wonder if any of you guys ignored other red flags (maybe even unrelated to cheating).

[Dis]

The thing that gets me the most is that it happened to me several times, with several different men. Honestly it does hurt my ego. I thought it was a bit shameful - like I am not attractive enough for them, or don't turn them on ehough or what not...

 

But then, I remembered.. Truth be told, when my most recent relationship went into a crisis, it felt great to see that men around me are interested in me, wanna flirt and so on... But I didn't give in because I didn't wanna risk something I thought was great, and something that had that much history. My ex obviously embraced a different approach

 

So instead of beating myself up because "I drive men away" I realized I have a way more productive reason to beat myself up It's because I pick the wrong guys. I mentioned this accros several different topics already - had I acted with more dignity since the begining of the relationship, I'd never go long term with him. He was breaking up almost every time we had a fight (those were really short break ups, but still - it was like a micro proof that, in his mind, if a relationship is not perfect all the time, it calls for a breakup). A person with a healthy sense of self respect would not tolerate those constant breakups.

 

I just don't think that someone's only flaw can be that he's a cheater. There must be so much more. And we all probably looked the other way when those other issues appeared, and those issues indicate a weak character. At least I know I did.

I'm not saying that your cheaters had the same negative traits as my cheaters, but I wonder if any of you guys ignored other red flags (maybe even unrelated to cheating).

 

I can really relate to the bold print Nox

 

My ex that I was with for 2 and a half years....he threw up tons of red flags in the very beginning that were unrelated to cheating....I'm perscribed Adderal for school....he started stealing it once he moved in with me. He was also doing steroids behind my back....once I found out he told me he would stop....he didnt. He would also break up with me constantly!!! Like your ex. I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with a guy when you feel like he's going to pull the rug out from underneath you at any moment....thats no way to live

 

The last guy though...the guy I caught red handed....he showed nooooo signs of cheating....he honestly seemed like such a good hearted guy. After I broke up with my previous ex, my cheater/douche bag radar was up big time and this guy didnt set it off at all....I think he was exceptionally skilled at hiding who he was....well he got his and then some

 

You raise a good point...usually cheaters will raise many red flags unrelated to cheating...probably because they're so broken

[smackie9]

My ex just ended it with me without explanation,( I had no idea that he had a ONS). It took about 3 weeks before he fessed up. Coward. But he did own it during that conversation. He didn't blame anyone but himself. Like a fool I got back with him about 2 months later. He didn't cheat but a few years later it turned into him going down a slippery slope of addiction, job loss, fencing stolen goods, selling coke, and smashing up my car within a few months time lol I ran away as fast as I could.

[mizunomead]

i discovered that after 16yrs of being together my wife had decided to find out what she had missed out all those yrs and began having ons/casual encounters with various men whenever she had a half hr of spare time that i wasnt around. when i had caught her i figure it had been going on for at least 3 months. with at least a dozen different men. the day after i discovered it she packed her bags and moved out with one of them. he left his wife and 4 kids for her as well.

she tried to come back around 4 months later when ahe left him after a major tailspin in life, i said no, so she went back to him again. she is still with him as far as i know. i still have to deal with her via a few real estate things.

i have no emotional attachment to her one way or the other anymore. no emotional response to her at all inside me. she is just a random person now.

 

she tried to suck me in and talk like friends all the time. i always ignored it. she eventually quit trying when i wpuld not reciprocate. she seems to have a hard time understanding why i dont want to be friends with her......

[Traceycprc]

After he denied it for such a long time, that she was just a friend, and when I actually found out they weren't that was it for me. There could never be any reconciliation the trust goes, and the thought of him sleeping with someone else was too much to get past. He did start a relationship with her, but it ended pretty quickly. He sent me an e-mail saying sorry and regretting everything and that he wanted me back. I simply told him I had moved on, and I hope he respects his next girlfriend a bit more! It caused me so much hurt, and it took a lot to get past it, I would never go back there again!