Feeling like I'm missing out

[Buddhist]

Well it does truly seem it is like that, hate how low self-esteem looks worse in men than it does in women, a low self-esteem woman has a better chance of getting dates, a boyfriend more than a low self-esteem guy does at getting dates, getting a girlfriend, but that's the way the world works whether we like it or not

 

Low self esteem women end up in relationships with equally low self esteem men. So given there is one of each it must be just as easy for both low self esteem men and women to get dates. No high self esteem person is going to date a low self esteem person, that's just the way the world works.

 

The bottom line is pity parties can last forever, they are easy. If you are waiting for success to happen before you can feel successful you will be waiting your whole life. Read any book by any successful person and the common denominator is they were all unsuccessful at some point. No-one waved a magic wand and gave them success. They had to find it from where they were, which is often in the dumps.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Buddhist

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Low self esteem women end up in relationships with equally low self esteem men. So given there is one of each it must be just as easy for both low self esteem men and women to get dates. No high self esteem person is going to date a low self esteem person, that's just the way the world works.

 

The bottom line is pity parties can last forever, they are easy. If you are waiting for success to happen before you can feel successful you will be waiting your whole life. Read any book by any successful person and the common denominator is they were all unsuccessful at some point. No-one waved a magic wand and gave them success. They had to find it from where they were, which is often in the dumps.

 

So I guess maybe that should motivate me that it is possible for me to get a girlfriend despite having low self-esteem

[Blanco]

Just because low-self-esteem people get together with other low-self-esteem people doesn't mean it's healthy. Instead of seeking someone else who also holds low self-value, you should focus more attention on improving your own self-esteem.

[Buddhist]

So I guess maybe that should motivate me that it is possible for me to get a girlfriend despite having low self-esteem

 

That wasn't the intention of my post. The intention was to demonstrate to you, the faulty logic to which you subscribe, which is some idea that women are somehow more successful in relationships than men. But aside from the 4% of the female population who are gay or bisexual, the other 96% are dating men, which means that men must be equally successful as women at relationships.

 

Just because your experience isn't one of success doesn't mean that all men experience what you do. You're making the classic mistake of conflating your experience with the experience of an entire gender, which isn't true. Many men are in relationships regardless of what their self esteem issues are. Now whether they are healthy relationships or not is up for debate. But there isn't a great sea of men out there who can't find a relationship while most women can, most women date men. Therefore there must be many men in relationships with these women.

 

Women with low self esteem aren't in great relationships, they are in relationships with people just like them, low self esteem men. So low self esteem men must also be able to have a relationship. It's just not a great one. I'm not advocating having a bad relationship. I'm advocating seeing life as it is, rather than the skew ed perspective that you have.

[Satu]

There's a fallacy that many people have bought into without realising it:

 

 

"Men and women are polar opposites."

 

 

Its not true.

 

Most of a man is very similar to most of a woman.

 

There are more similarities physiologically, than there are dissimilarities.

 

There are more similarities psychologically, than there are dissimilarities.

 

And here is the biggie:

 

There are more similarities hormonally, than there are dissimilarities.

 

The opposite sex are not exotic aliens that are impossible to understand.

 

Just be nice

[SpiralOut]

Yep exactly that doesn't surprise me at all

 

I was being facetious.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, any update? I got my mouth guard. It took me two attempts to get the fit right, but I won't be wearing my teeth down anymore!!

 

It's also great for wearing over Crest White strips.

[sooshi]

I also recently got a customized night guard. I think it's worth trying, NJ! I do believe it has made a difference for me, and I hope it does for you, if you get one.

[NJ123]

I just can't shake that feeling like I've missed out when others were out having fun & having relationships & such in their 20s when I never got to have that. Now at 30, I have other issues to deal with currently that are holding me back even more these days. I just can't help but feel that my window has passed for me to ever meet anyone since I have so many things I'm dealing with & need to force myself to do to ever be a good option to a lot of women. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[Buddhist]

Giving up obsessively focusing upon it would be a good start. Whatever it is we lack we naturally assume will make us happy once we get it. But that isn't always true. The result of a lot of these relationships is they end in heartbreak, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations. So you're really saying that you've missed your window of opportunity to get your heart broken. Sounds kind of weird when you think of it like this.

 

There are things I've wanted in my life for many years which so far have failed to transpire. Things which I've felt are vitally important to my sense of wellbeing. Somehow, I've managed to find personal happiness despite their absence. The absence of something is not what's causing our pain, it's our constant focus on this absent thing as being the potential source of our happiness which is the problem.

 

There are things in my life which I assumed once I attained would be the source of my happiness, yet once they came to be I discovered I actually felt no different than before. My load wasn't lightened through having them, my attitudes did not change at all. I was a dissatisfied fat person at one stage and now I'm a thin person my outlook on life hardly changed despite the massive changes in my body. You're assuming that having this one thing will massively change your life. But if you are miserable without a relationship you will be miserable within one too.

 

The one thing we can never escape is who we are being at any given point in time. No external circumstance changes that. It just adds accessories to the package that we already are. If you want to change your experience you have to change who you are being.

 

I recommend that you read Steve Pavlina's blog. There is a lot on there from a guy who was once bankrupt and went on to achieve success despite his circumstances. He goes into great detail about how to change you and become the person you want to be. That is the road to your future relationship success.

[NJ123]

Giving up obsessively focusing upon it would be a good start. Whatever it is we lack we naturally assume will make us happy once we get it. But that isn't always true. The result of a lot of these relationships is they end in heartbreak, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations. So you're really saying that you've missed your window of opportunity to get your heart broken. Sounds kind of weird when you think of it like this.

 

There are things I've wanted in my life for many years which so far have failed to transpire. Things which I've felt are vitally important to my sense of wellbeing. Somehow, I've managed to find personal happiness despite their absence. The absence of something is not what's causing our pain, it's our constant focus on this absent thing as being the potential source of our happiness which is the problem.

 

There are things in my life which I assumed once I attained would be the source of my happiness, yet once they came to be I discovered I actually felt no different than before. My load wasn't lightened through having them, my attitudes did not change at all. I was a dissatisfied fat person at one stage and now I'm a thin person my outlook on life hardly changed despite the massive changes in my body. You're assuming that having this one thing will massively change your life. But if you are miserable without a relationship you will be miserable within one too.

 

The one thing we can never escape is who we are being at any given point in time. No external circumstance changes that. It just adds accessories to the package that we already are. If you want to change your experience you have to change who you are being.

 

I recommend that you read Steve Pavlina's blog. There is a lot on there from a guy who was once bankrupt and went on to achieve success despite his circumstances. He goes into great detail about how to change you and become the person you want to be. That is the road to your future relationship success.

 

True, it's definitely good advice. But since I've never had it my entire life of 30 years, what's the odds of it actually happening anytime soon? And another thing is I definitely don't want to be that guy that's 40 that's never had a relationship. It would really be over for me by then since there's absolutely no way I could explain being inexperienced at such a really old age. I really feel I have a window of maybe 5 more years at best to find a relationship or it's officially over.

[HillValley]

I just can't shake that feeling like I've missed out when others were out having fun & having relationships & such in their 20s when I never got to have that. Now at 30, I have other issues to deal with currently that are holding me back even more these days. I just can't help but feel that my window has passed for me to ever meet anyone since I have so many things I'm dealing with & need to force myself to do to ever be a good option to a lot of women. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

 

So what do you want exactly? Any kind of relationship?

 

Would you be okay with a three month relationship with a girl who has a drinking problem and makes you feel like crap? You wanna be with some girl who is an emotional wreck just getting out of a relationship?

 

Bad relationships can be gotten pretty easily. Just find a situation that sets off warning signs and ignore.

 

Now if you want a good relationship you will just have to put effort into it.

[Buddhist]

True, it's definitely good advice. But since I've never had it my entire life of 30 years, what's the odds of it actually happening anytime soon? And another thing is I definitely don't want to be that guy that's 40 that's never had a relationship. It would really be over for me by then since there's absolutely no way I could explain being inexperienced at such a really old age. I really feel I have a window of maybe 5 more years at best to find a relationship or it's officially over.

 

I'll re-frame it for you this way. If what you've been doing hasn't been working for you then the odds of it suddenly happening for you in the next 5yrs are none. If you are worried about being 40 without a relationship then you really haven't got time to lose. You need to be seeking out and trying whatever until you hit the formula that works. You know what doesn't work so far, that's a good starting point. 5yrs is a pretty good timeframe to change anything you think might be holding you back.

 

I'll bet money what's holding you back more than anything else though is your mindset. Which is both free, and relatively simple to change.

[NuevoYorko]

You have many things in your life that you need to attend to. It seems to me that your preoccupation with this is a way of avoiding what you have to take care of.

 

If you put one foot in front of the other and steadily go towards your goals, which I think include finishing a degree, moving out of your parents' house, and dealing with some health issues, you will be in a whole new place in your life. A place where you're ready to have a relationship.

[BluEyeL]

Honestly I heard so many times that if you're not happy alone you'll be just as miserable in a relationship. It hasn't been true for me. I wasn't happy single and I'm extremely happy now when I'm in a great relationship. It's nice to say that stuff but I don't really believe it. There are some people happier in relationships than single. Everyone wants love. I have a hard time understanding why people get dogs since they're so much work. Clearly it's because we want love, and we seek it many ways.

 

OP I'm sorry about your predicament. You have to get out there intensively and play the numbers game. Work on yourself to

Develop a thick skin. Just going through numbers your dream will come true.

[NJ123]

You have many things in your life that you need to attend to. It seems to me that your preoccupation with this is a way of avoiding what you have to take care of.

 

If you put one foot in front of the other and steadily go towards your goals, which I think include finishing a degree, moving out of your parents' house, and dealing with some health issues, you will be in a whole new place in your life. A place where you're ready to have a relationship.

 

The health issues are what's destroying me though. If I didn't have these issues to deal with it would be so much easier having a better mindset. It's difficult when crashing down in low moods & having horrible intrusive thoughts among the other health issues I deal with all at once. I finally go back to my doctor this Thursday, but I'm honestly not too hopeful he can help me. I really think at this point I have some sort of nerve damage in my ear/face somewhere causing the horrible burning symptoms as well as head burning. Too much time has passed for me to not have gotten better at this point. I really hate using it as an excuse because to a lot of people it is, but believe me it's really difficult to lead a life with all these problems.

[GemmaUK]

How is it going with the mouthguard and spray you got OP?

[preraph]

You do need to just focus on your health issues and stop worrying about romance. You have a long way to go. Do all you can about your health problems. Do you know what your condition is? It almost sounds like shingles, which case you'll end up needing to avoid others to keep from spreading. Anyway, probably not right, but just focus on getting that better. Then keep working, keep finding better jobs, and then move out. You really are NOT ready to take on another person at this point or anywhere near it. You are having trouble just maintaining yourself. That is no criticism. You have real problems you just need to focus on managing until you get to a better place. Good luck.

[elaine567]

The health issues are what's destroying me though. If I didn't have these issues to deal with it would be so much easier having a better mindset. It's difficult when crashing down in low moods & having horrible intrusive thoughts among the other health issues I deal with all at once. I finally go back to my doctor this Thursday, but I'm honestly not too hopeful he can help me. I really think at this point I have some sort of nerve damage in my ear/face somewhere causing the horrible burning symptoms as well as head burning. Too much time has passed for me to not have gotten better at this point. I really hate using it as an excuse because to a lot of people it is, but believe me it's really difficult to lead a life with all these problems.

 

Trigeminal neuralgia?

[NJ123]

How is it going with the mouthguard and spray you got OP?

 

My dentist won't make me another night guard. And I held off on the spray actually until I go back to my doctor on Thursday to see what he says after seeing my medical records.

[NJ123]

Trigeminal neuralgia?

 

No it's not that since I don't get severe pain. I'm just honestly sick of this though that I've honestly been having really bad thoughts. All my health issues have destroyed me from having a normal life. You have no idea how bad I want to feel positive but all the problems I'm dealing with makes it very very difficult. I just want to have a normal life like almost everyone else. I'm sick of having that feeling like I'm missing out while others get to enjoy life.

[NJ123]

You do need to just focus on your health issues and stop worrying about romance. You have a long way to go. Do all you can about your health problems. Do you know what your condition is? It almost sounds like shingles, which case you'll end up needing to avoid others to keep from spreading. Anyway, probably not right, but just focus on getting that better. Then keep working, keep finding better jobs, and then move out. You really are NOT ready to take on another person at this point or anywhere near it. You are having trouble just maintaining yourself. That is no criticism. You have real problems you just need to focus on managing until you get to a better place. Good luck.

 

But what if my health issues never resolve? Than what? Stuck being inexperienced until I'm 50 years old? That's absolutely not an option for me. I have a window of maybe 5 more years tops to find a relationship or it's over. And that's the thing I don't know what the condition I have is. I get literal burning in my head & ears & it's destroying me. It's affecting my nerves somehow in someway. I just don't know what it is & I'm really tired of it. I can't even take depression meds while having this condition since I feel like I'm dying or something when I take meds due to my body's reaction to it while having this other issue. I just feel even weirder while taking any sort of drug.

[Blanco]

OK but realistically, who is going to get involved with someone who's in your position? We keep going back and forth on this but unless you're willing to just accept anyone, you're not likely to find someone soon nor are you really in a spot physically, emotionally or financially to be half of a healthy relationship.

 

And before you shoot back with one of your standard responses, no this isn't me saying you should just date anyone. I'm not. But that's what makes your options more limited.

[sooshi]

NJ, your feelings of desperation to get better are evident. But what are you actually doing to be proactive? You've waited a month and it doesn't appear that you have taken any of our suggestions and put them into action. Actions that might alleviate what you're feeling. Actions that can make a world of difference in how you're feeling.

 

You don't need a doctor's approval to take the saline spray (which is just water, salt, and baking soda), or magnesium (bis)glycinate/malate, hypericum perforatum, or vitamin B6. Why do you need to wait for what a doctor says? Why do you need for them to approve? They're not drugs. They're not medications. They're safe to take.

 

Have you eliminated sugar from your diet, as best you can?

 

If you actually want to get better, then you need to take some accountability for your own health. If you really want to get better, then do something about it. And no--going from doctor to doctor, and waiting lengthy periods in-between, WHILE you do nothing to help yourself, isn't showing that you really want to get better. YOU need to take action. YOU need to take responsibility for your own health, and not depend on someone in a white lab coat to hand you the answers and fix you.

 

I have nerve pain, too. I've taken action. I feel better as the results of my actions (including many of the ones I've suggested to you). I keep forgetting to get the hypericum perforatum, but next time I go to the store, I will get it.

 

You've mentioned a lot about having depression and anxiety, as well as intrusive thoughts. Have you considered therapy? Having the right therapist can make a world of difference in your well-being and health.

 

Take care and good luck.

[NJ123]

OK but realistically, who is going to get involved with someone who's in your position? We keep going back and forth on this but unless you're willing to just accept anyone, you're not likely to find someone soon nor are you really in a spot physically, emotionally or financially to be half of a healthy relationship.

 

And before you shoot back with one of your standard responses, no this isn't me saying you should just date anyone. I'm not. But that's what makes your options more limited.

 

But if my health issues never get better what am I supposed to do? Just not date for the rest of my life if it means I never get entirely better? I just don't want to be in a position of being 40 something or in my 50s with little to no experience at all. It's bad enough as it is right now at my current age, but being 10-15 years older than I am now with no experience will likely leave me feeling 10x worse about it than I am now.