I found him on the internet dating site

[Maygirl]

Hi All,

 

I've written before but a lot has happened since.

 

First of all, I, like many of you women, am very depressed. I'm in counselling, but it hasn't helped very much.

 

My husband moved out about 7 weeks ago. He began internet dating 4 or 5 months ago. He had an emotional affair and that didn't work for him, so now he's back looking . I will say he also dates me.

We had a bad marriage for 30 years. I wasn't interested in sex and he sat in front of the TV and computer.

In the last month, we've had sex once a week (and a couple times on the phone), and he says that it's been spectacular. He said he's wanted us to make love (as opposed to having sex) for 20 years. Anyway, he refuses counselling at this time with me, and I found bills for the dating service. He claims there hasn't been sex yet with anyone, and I believe him.

But a couple days ago, I found the dating site and went to it just out of curiosity. I even signed up in order to find him. I told him about it and he said he didn't care one way or another, but he kept going on about how it wasn't safe. and he refused to help me upload my photo. I really feel it is a threat to him.

 

So we had a date on Sat. (it's Mon the 4th now) and ended up in bed. Actually I could have had tonight the 4th but thought Sat would be better. It was fantastic. I felt (and he too) that we were intimate and passionate. This was the 4th time in the month and each time it lasts longer ( 2-4 hours) and gets better (unlike when we were together) But he wouldn't spend the night (said it just didn't feel right),

 

Of course I was depressed and after he left at 1am I got up, went to the dating site that I'd signed up for (he's paying two bills now one for him and one for me)

Well, when I found him and the 5 photos I'd taken of him (I'm a professional photographer) I began crying and became extremely upset. so I wrote him on the site with my user name and flirted a bit and used some of the same words he used and ultimately told him our "passion" was over. That was a day and a half ago. I called him today to tell him some local men had contacted me and I was going to write to them-which I'm doing. And then I asked when I could see him.

 

I informed the men who wrote me about the situation, that I just got on the site to find my H and they have agreed to just write to me for as long as I want. IN the meantime my H says we can still see one another and I haven't the strength to say no. Right now he's downtown at the 4th fireworks with one and I'm not going to a friend's barbeque because my eyes are red and puffy from crying for 2 days.

So maybe many of you women think I'm as bad as he is for writing to the men, but I'm almost 60, very lonely, and my family is scattered over the US.

I feel just being able to see my H and loving him the way I should have during our marriage is what I have to do right now. My counsellor says if I'm willing to gamble (in the end he may choose another woman) that if that's what I feel I have to do to do it,

For you women who think there is nobody else, check all of your AMEX and other bills like bank statements. The husbands usually leave clues. Mine doesn't seem to mind when I find out more things. We're pretty open about discussing all of this.

 

Sorry this is so long. just had to write. Will appreciate any feedback

Maygirl

[debilou]

Love Shack is a great resource for support. They've helped me loads for the last almost 7 months.

 

Good luck, take care of yourself!

 

Debilou

[shygurl]

Hello there,

 

I think it's really sad that you're in this situation - and I think it's even more sad that your husband is using you like he is - strictly for sex. If he appreciated and loved you, and found this new "twist" in your sex life to be the start of a new beginning for you both, he wouldn't be continuing to find other women - or practically flaunt in your face that he's doing so. It just seems very cruel. And I don't think you're wrong for having placed an ad yourself and for corresponding with these men, I think it's only natural under the circumstances.

 

Your husband needs to make a decision here - he's either going to work WITH you to make more positive changes in your marriage or he's gotta get off the pot and let you move on. Surely he must know how much you love him and how you're wanting to reconcile - yet he's continuing to date other women, that's just not right or respectful. You also don't know for sure that he's not sleeping with other woman (and therefore putting your health at risk - the risk of you contracting a Sexually Transmitted Infection from him). There's all kinds of trash out there on the internet (men and women), sketchy people.

 

If you continue to correspond with these men and give the impression that you're dating also, he's just going to feel justified in continuing himself. I'd suggest you stop, delete your profile.

 

He began being unfaithful to you 4-5 months ago, when while still living with you, he was skulking around on these internet dating sites - and then having an emotional affair. No matter what the state of your marriage has been, he was wrong to do this.

 

My heart goes out to you. Please don't think that because you're 60yrs old that you could never find yourself a good man.

[dresden]

Maygirl, I have no advice, going through a bad patch myself. But I feel so deeply sad for you to be having these troubles now after such a long marriage. Your husband is a jerk to put you through this. If you do everything to make him totally happy and sexually satisfied, and he stays, will you be able to trust him not to do it again?

 

I am asking myself this question. I still have a child at home but feel that it is very important for me to get some independence, i.e., a job, new friends, new outside interests. So if it falls apart, I have a life to continue living. Is this true for you?

 

My heart goes out to you, dear.

[RecordProducer]

Maygirl, your story is sooooooo cuuuuute!!! You guys have the time of your life after you split after 30 years. This is just renewing your love. Usually people feel nostalgic about their partners, but are bitter and full of anger when they split. And look at you! You have amazing sex, you date each other like two teenagers.

Forget the dating sites, it's so unimportant. Your husband most likely won't find anyone and DEFINITELY will not have the desire to find anyone if you continue to have fun as you do. Please don't cry and don't look for him on the site! Most guys would sleep with anyone, but their wives. He sleeps with you and loves it. Just be sweet, seductive, and smile, smile, smile... You need this break after 30 years. Enjoy yourself! He will return to you.

[Maygirl]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for responding!!

Well, I've found a nice man on the dating site and we're corresponding. He knows most of the situation and has agreed to just correspondence for now. I will say that it may not be the thing to do, but I feel better being able to correspond with him.

As far as my H is concerned. I don't feel he's using me, because for many many years I hated sex. Now I'm finding it wonderful. This may sound "cute" to people younger than me (I think I look at least 10 years younger than my age) but it really is much more than that. If things don't work out with my H, at least I've learned to enjoy and to give myself in ways that were impossible for me to do before it all happened.

My H said to me yesterday when we were talking on the phone. "We loathed one another," and he was right. Even though this is a living hell, in a way, it's better than it was before he left.

I'm at the point where I try to be pleasant and fun to be with and we both like me better that way. Perhaps he's using me, and perhaps I'll pull back when I've had enough and perhaps this will make him realize he wants me alone. If it doesn't happen, I feel I'm getting strong enough to accept it. After all, life itself is a gamble. We never know what will happen or why.

Thanks again

Maygirl

[nightskyreader]

Heck, don't feel old because you are 60! You're probably a hottie and men find age and experience sexy anyway- at least I do. I agree with everyone here, however. If you stay on that dating site, then you need to have the strength to tell your husband it is over, because you guys aren't being fair to each other. If you do end it, then maybe you should seek more interaction with one of those guys who you have on standby. Personally, if I was one of those guys and you told me the deal about your husband, I would have bailed in a hurry- but then I'm scum. If they have agreed to stick around and maintain their relationship with you as is, and to advance it when you are ready, then they must be very understanding (or desperate!). Who knows, maybe one of those dudes is your dream guy and your future husband!

[Maygirl]

Hi nightskyreader,

 

I'm NOT dating anyone from the dating site. I'm only corresponding with them as friends-discussing books, poetry, intellectual theories, etc., our sports and hobbies (I'm a martial artist and just received my dark green belt in TaeKwonDo).

Perhaps at some future time, I will meet those couple of men, but not now. These men are also older, and when you're older and have done a lot of things in your life, you value friendship more. This doesn't mean that down the road things won't develop into something else. But first, people need to be friends.

 

In our quick- fix world of today, people, especially younger ones, can't understand this. They want everything fast including relationships. And if their relationship doesn't seem to be functioning, rather than work on it, many people just trade the old partner in for a new one. But that relationship usually doesn't work either, because the couple has looked outside for answers, rather than inside of themselves.

Thanks for responding

Maygirl

[RecordProducer]

I might be young (30) but I have some life experience, one failed marriage behind me and two children. I got the impression taht you and your husband had the time fo your life, although it was obvious that you feel stressed.

I think you are sadder because of the past than the present. You think you didn't get what you wanted from your marriage and it hurts you. You also feel bad (although relieved) for being separated after 30 years of being together.

The only consolation out there is that many women feel like that; marriage is the number one factor of unhappiness and so many people feel unfulfilled after being married for many years.

Separation and divorce are a huge trauma especially when there are years behind you. You're obviously in a difficult period right now. I get the impression taht you're not sure whether you want to divorce and you're also not sure what your husband wants.

[Maygirl]

Dear RecordProducer,

Thanks for your responses. You were so positive and supportive in your last message. You don't know how much that message meant to me.

Yes, it's very confusing for my H and for me. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time at this point.

All the support I get from this forum, my friends, and my martial arts helps tremendously.

Thanks again

Maygirl

[dgiirl]

Maygirl, I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. I agree with everything you've said about today's quick fix ideology towards relationships. I think it takes a bigger person to stick around and try to work through relationship problems then to look outside of the relationship. Only problem tho, if the other partner does not share the same belief then you're the one making all the sacrifices. I think the road your husband is taking could either revive your relationship or take you down a really f*cked up road. I've heard of stories where the husband would get off having their wives going out and having affairs with other men, and I'm scared your husband's path could lead you down that road. If he's going out with other women, you have no clue if he's having sex with them. Obviously, he'll tell you no in order to keep having sex with you, but you need to be aware of the risks. Not only is your marriage at risk, but so is your health!

 

I think talking with these other men could be good for you. In time you'll start to feel valued and appreciated and realize that you deserve so much better. I'm surprised COIC hasnt replied to this post yet, but you should definitely read "Love must be tough". It will give you some insight on how to save your marriage. Right now you're letting your husband walk all over you in fear that if you dont, he'll leave you. But if you keep doing that, he'll lose more and more respect for you and will leave you! You have to play the game smart. If the roles were reversed, would you want to be with someone so desperate to keep you that they would let you sleep around? You have to play the game so that you show your husband that you are the attractive choice, but dont do anything that will lose your dignity. And remember, you are not the one who broke your vows, he was! Now that the vows are broken, YOU are free to do anything you desire. Dont feel that you have to repair this relationship or that it's some how your fault he left. He made the decision to leave!

[Maygirl]

Hi Dgirl,

 

Thanks for your response. And thanks for your advise.

 

We did some yard work toghether yesterday, went out to eat, then ended up in bed again. It gets better each time. I knew, though, that when it was finally over (we prolonged it for 3 hours), he'd leave. He said he wasn't ready to spend the whole night yet. I told him I understood and it was okay, and he acted somewhat surprised that I didn't beg or at least ask him to stay.

I am almost 100% sure, at this point, that he's not having sex with any of the women yet. And even though he's going through this crisis now, he is responsible enough and cares for me enough that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my health.

You mentioned COIC and "love must be tough." Is she (or he) on a thread on this forum or a different forum on this website? I bought a wonderful book on how to Retrieve your Lover, which is excellent. There are a few other books that I found that have also been helpful.

It's wonderful how everyone here comes to your aid when you ask for it. This is a marvelous website.

Take care

Maygirl