Wanting out

[finder222]

I'll put this bullet points so I don't get off-track.

 

I have been married for a year. We both have children but none in-common.

 

My wife has become increasingly hostile in the past few months. She started with hitting me and now now graduated to holding a gun (not pointing it at me) and pointing a knife at my throat, all because I threaten to leave her.

 

I have recently became recording her episodes as a way to protect myself, as she has already called the police and filed a false police report because I left her after she hit me. I have the "knife to my throat episode" recorded. Only audio, but anyone would understand what was happening just by listing.

 

Now, she has never actually hurt me and she retraced the police report (once I returned home) but she becomes increasingly more hostile every time she's loses it.

 

I finally realize I have to get out of this mess. My wife is self-diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have studied that disorder and it fits her perfectly. Borderlines cannot stand abandonment and hate losing.

 

Anyway, I know I have enough evidence to get a protection order. I am also confident her eviction can be part of the order, based on the evidence.

 

Problem is, her 13 year old son lives with us full time while my 11 year old is only with me on the weekends. I hate the thought of forcing my stepson to leave. But I have to protect myself and my own son.

 

The good news is my wife would move back to the state she is from and where her family is. She moved her for a guy, who left her a few years later because of her craziness. Maybe this failure will compel her family to finally realize she is not the victim, she is the problem.

 

But, that still leaves my stepson being forced to leave our house with the police standing there.

 

I thought about obtaining the protection order and then moving to an apartment, using the temporary exclusive use of our home to safely move out with only half the furniture, etc. I would need that week or so to get out without her going crazy and interfering. She's not emotionally stable, but she doesn't not want legal trouble, so I'm confident she will comply with the order.

 

The problem with me moving from our home is I'm far more likely to be able to continue the mortgage. She makes about 35% less than I do.

 

Neither one of us will be able to secure a new mortgage on our own, however.

 

Anyway, I'm just looking short term and I have to get away from her.

 

If I ask the court for her eviction based on evidence, it will be horrible for her son, but is that my problem? She did this to her son, not me. Plus, forcing her to leave might finally get her home, where they both need to be.

 

I'm just trying to protect myself while being a good person at the same time.

 

I guess another fear is what if the court orders me to continue paying half the mortgage after I move? Do you think a judge would be less likely to order that since I left for provable cause? Plus a protection order? I know I'd still be on the hook with th bank, but I really don't care anymore. I really don't, I just want away from the craziness and threats.

 

Plus, I'm sure a forclosure is in the future anyway, since neither of us qualify for a separate mortgage on our own. The house is barely worth what we owe.

 

Any thoughts will be much appreciated.

[planning4later]

Borderlines do not change. Ever. And the REASON why they never change is because part of the condition is lack of awareness and accountability for their own actions. Bottom line: they have no problem. And if they DO know there's a problem, it's YOUR fault. You can't win. The best thing you can hope for is to tolerate and bear it. I've heard people say you either gotta leave or you stay with the full awareness that change will never happen--and with that you fully accept all risks and liability that come with it.

[Lowrider93]

Hi finder

Wow, you have only been married one year and she has pulled a knife and gun on you, I'd say you have to get the heck out of there as fast as you can for yours and your son's safety, sooner than ASAP.

 

She is extremely unstable and you don't want to be second guessing what she may be capable of, it might be a mistake to stay in the home as your ability to ensure your own protection would be compromised, sure you could change the locks on the doors if your stepson was not going to be there, otherwise an apartment might offer a higher level of protection from the crazy woman!

 

Watch your back!

[Downtown]

Finder, I join the other respondents in urging you to leave your unstable W so as to protect yourself and your son. If you are certain you will lose the house due to your inability to make mortgage payments by yourself, there seems to be little downside to moving out now into an apartment. If you can cover the mortgage payments on your own, however, it seems sensible to obtain a R/O barring her from the home and then change the locks.

 

Like you apparently did, I married a BPDer (i.e., person having strong and persistent traits). I spent a fortune sending her to six different psychologists for weekly sessions for 15 years. Her behavior only got worse. As the years went by, she became increasingly resentful of my inability to make her happy (an impossible task) -- and her fear of abandonment grew increasingly painful as she saw her body aging and saw me establishing stronger personal boundaries (which she misinterpreted as proof that I was planning on leaving her).

 

She therefore decided to preemptively abandon me before I had a chance to abandon her. By "abandon me" I mean she called the police and had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Because it was early on a Saturday morning, I was in jail nearly 3 days before I could go before the judge for arraignment. By that time, my BPDer exW had obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce in this State).

 

I therefore applaud you for carrying a VAR to record your W's threats and outbursts. Smart decision. As to the divorce itself, it almost certainly will get nasty very quickly if your W is a BPDer. I therefore suggest you prepare for the attack by reading the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I also recommend two online articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and the article Leaving a Partner with BPD.

 

It also may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you are leaving. These behavioral symptoms are easy to spot when you know what traits are on the list. There is nothing subtle about symptoms like physical abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). Take care, Finder.

[NHappy]

I'll put this bullet points so I don't get off-track.

 

I

 

My wife has become increasingly hostile in the past few months. She started with hitting me and now now graduated to holding a gun (not pointing it at me) and pointing a knife at my throat, all because I threaten to leave her.

 

 

This is all I read before feeling the need to suggest to leave NOW. A knife and gun?! My husband has been physically abusive but at that point the line is drawn; he's never used weapons. You're risking your kids.