simsy Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 My partner of 10 years absconded in Feb, we haven't been getting on really well since October. I just noticed that he stopped caring about certain things to do with me..I just couldn't put my finger on it but we are renovating a big old house for the family home in our spare time. We have two children of our own 5 & 7 years which he sees every single day and I have a 12 year old son myself. He's always been weak and I've tried many times to try and reconcile but there was nothing in his manner or eyes that told me so. i even took him and our children to mass and prayed. He blamed me for all our woes to which I took responsibility for most and made changes to my life so I was no longer freaking out with stress. But a couple of weeks ago at a barbecue I was told by a good friend and work colleague that my man was in a relationship with a 20 year old from our work. The whole bottom of my world collapsed. I am finding that even though he denied it he's been seeing her for a year. which explains everything. I have already been trying to reconcile but this has affected everyone from our work, neighbours all our families. The devastation is just on going. I have since had a couple of long conversations with him rather than snarl at him in hurt and anger. I do admit I have helped to drive him away by not giving him the attention he deserved. I don't want to give up ten years and our future and our home and although I didn't realize it just how much I truely love him. But it seems as though he doesn't want to come back Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Sorry to hear this. The failure of a relationship ALWAYS involves something we regret, imho. Well, at least for one of the partners. You admit having a considerable hand in helping to make the relationship flounder. Even your tone describing him is unflattering. "...he's always been weak." Take it one day at a time. You are not married, so there is no legal process he needs to go or agree to to end the relationship. Unless there is a domestic partnership law in your state regarding possesion, custody? Anyway, to tell you the truth, it sounds like you drove him away. Don't know for certain. We often remember what we've lost after we've lost it. Too late far too often. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I think it is unfair to say the OP drove him away when, he seemed to stop caring a year ago, and did not want to reconcile things with the OP, and now she finds he was with a 20 year old for all that time. NO wonder she was freaking out with stress, her world just turned upside down, he blamed her, she made changes but she didn't know why it had all gone pear shaped, but now she does. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I think it is unfair to say the OP drove him away when, he seemed to stop caring a year ago, and did not want to reconcile things with the OP, and now she finds he was with a 20 year old for all that time. NO wonder she was freaking out with stress, her world just turned upside down, he blamed her, she made changes but she didn't know why it had all gone pear shaped, but now she does. Yep real reason her world was turned upside down was because he was having an A. OP was your WH neglecting you in any way in your M? Did you step out? Don't accept the blame for his A EVER! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 The devastation is just on going. I do admit I have helped to drive him away by not giving him the attention he deserved. I don't want to give up ten years and our future and our home and although I didn't realize it just how much I truely love him. But it seems as though he doesn't want to come back I'm sorry Simsy that you are in this situation. You will need to go through the 5 stages of Grieving in order to stand tall again. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. You claim you "helped drive him away" --- and to a certain extent, that might be true. But when someone leaves, the normal reaction is to blame ourselves 100 percent. Take the blame where blame is due, but understand that he most likely was looking for an Exit Excuse. He wanted out, so he waited until the right time, the right argument, and that way you would blame yourself, instead of blaming himself. This is a common tactic used by people that leave. Relationships require honesty and communication. If you were doing something wrong, he needed to communicate and work on the relationship. But instead of working with you, he chose to find someone new. Rejection hurts, so you are going to need some time to work through this. Google a book Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. At least read the comments, even if you can't get a copy of the book. It won't help you restore your relationship, but it will help you understand that in many cases, the "initiator" really wanted to leave or get out of the relationship. You as the "partner" want to find out how to make the relationship work, you are willing to get on this board for help, etc. Maybe your relationship can be restored, but please don't waste too much time trying to get someone back that wants to be gone!! It takes 2 to make a marriage/relationship, it only takes 1 to breakup. At some point, you really need to set him free, say "thank you" for the time he spent with you, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 My partner of 10 years absconded in Feb, we haven't been getting on really well since October. I just noticed that he stopped caring about certain things to do with me..I just couldn't put my finger on it but we are renovating a big old house for the family home in our spare time. We have two children of our own 5 & 7 years which he sees every single day and I have a 12 year old son myself. He's always been weak and I've tried many times to try and reconcile but there was nothing in his manner or eyes that told me so. i even took him and our children to mass and prayed. He blamed me for all our woes to which I took responsibility for most and made changes to my life so I was no longer freaking out with stress. But a couple of weeks ago at a barbecue I was told by a good friend and work colleague that my man was in a relationship with a 20 year old from our work. The whole bottom of my world collapsed. I am finding that even though he denied it he's been seeing her for a year. which explains everything. I have already been trying to reconcile but this has affected everyone from our work, neighbours all our families. The devastation is just on going. I have since had a couple of long conversations with him rather than snarl at him in hurt and anger. I do admit I have helped to drive him away by not giving him the attention he deserved. I don't want to give up ten years and our future and our home and although I didn't realize it just how much I truely love him. But it seems as though he doesn't want to come back From the mouth of the OP. This dissatisfaction has been going on for much longer I'm sure. The affair only started a year ago. I'm not saying that the partner isn't responsible for as much, but the OP herself admits that she did/didn't do things that she should have. BTW, unless your partner is absolutely in denial, his blaming you holds at least some merit, no? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 From the mouth of the OP. This dissatisfaction has been going on for much longer I'm sure. The affair only started a year ago. I'm not saying that the partner isn't responsible for as much, but the OP herself admits that she did/didn't do things that she should have. BTW, unless your partner is absolutely in denial, his blaming you holds at least some merit, no? I would never take the blame for an A 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 (edited) I would never take the blame for an A NO NO NO. I am not suggesting that she take ANY responsibility for the affair. Never. Just the deterioration of the relationship. Did he ever express dissatisfaction in the past? Show it? Were they addressed back then (not since the affair discovery)? One thing I will never do when reading people's posts is assume that their story is the ONLY story. I feel that this is an example of both parties failing...not just one. The affair is just a symptom, not the cause. In the end, it sucks! Sorry. Edited August 28, 2016 by simpleNfit 3 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Gosh sorry to hear that. For every man that leaves for a 20 year old, there's a woman who leaves for a more financially stable man. Youth and money. Unfortunately that's how this sad world works. My sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author simsy Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 That's what I told him, we both should have been adults and sit down at the table... We both had so much to deal with, fighting for custody of my OAP dad, pressures of both our jobs but a great deal of the time we sat as a family every night me him and the kids, he was my husband , my rock as well as my best friend. We were a close couple, I adore him. And it is true we don't realise what we had until it's gone, but I already did know that because I imagined once what life would be like without him and i was immediately devastated.. and here I am going exactly thorugh that. we all say things that we didn't mean and believe me that was not a frequent occurrence, he's father of the year, more maternal than me, bathing the kids PJ's, while i clean dinner away..I'd always had his dinner ready for him when he came off late shift.we were a team. everyone have arguments, if some thing is an issue tell me!! don't ignore it and not tell me I believed we were in a committed relationship, The whole betrayal of building another sexual relationship. How could he do that to me.. We spent the last two years rebuilding a old house together as a family as a team... me and him!! our dream home, his dream i said ok lets do it.. we work full time as well as every single weekend on the house. Unless i arranged something he'd refuse to come with me. We should have gone on date nights, the amount of times he'd turn me down or let me down at klast minute. we were both exhausted..and I started having break downs with worry..I was disabled for a year with crushed disks.. until i had a spinal op.. He was there always for me helped me, looked after me where this girl started to come in I do not know... I feel I left a back door open on my relationship somehow. I have always loved him, he made my bloody heart soar listening for the garden gate to go and see him come down the path, kids shouting daddy.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Sorry for what you are going through. How long were you hurt? Also, how was your physical (sex) life? Were you two very intimate? Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 he made my bloody heart soar listening for the garden gate to go and see him come down the path, kids shouting daddy.. Most likely, most of us on this board experienced the loss of dreams, our best friend, our companion, our Beloved Bride/Groom. But the other person in the relationship obviously did not have the same dreams, hopes, wishes, warm fuzzy feelings. That's why there must be a grieving process......because we lost something/someone very important to us. Denial is the first stage of grieving; that is the point where we just can't believe that it's over; we can't believe that our best friend has another lover; but working through the stages will show that you can and must move forward in order to stand tall again. Your emotions are raw right now, so keep posting, continue to write/talk it all out. And I don't want to make it sound like it's over!! Maybe he will change his mind, and both of you will want to give this another try. My estranged wife and I gave that a try, but ultimately the only thing that she wanted was to be out of the relationship. She wanted to be free from me, and our 6 kids....so she walked out the door a few years ago and has made zero attempts to return. I needed to go through the grieving process, redefine my role in life, and stand tall. For you to recover, you'll need to do that too. Maybe you'll figure out what went wrong in the relationship, but really, there are many times when the left-behind spouse doesn't get answers --- but you can still get to Acceptance without your husbands help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 OP, my heart goes out to you and what you are going through. He didn't leave his children, he left you. Their relationship will go on whether the two of you stay together or not. It is important that you make them realize this. He hasn't abandoned them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Hi Simsy, Welcome to our family, were all sorry that your going through this! Do what you can to follow other members story's, learning from others will help you to understand how this process usually works and many here can tell you what will likely happen before it does. We've been there and we can help you thru this. It surprises me how many people here had good marriages that just may have needed a tune up, but one partner is unwilling to seek counciling or just talk it out to strengthen the relationship. I'll be the first to tell you he is not the man you once knew, I guess they may call it affair fog. I knew my time was up when I noticed my ex had plenty of smiles for anyone but me. Keep posting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I'll be the first to tell you he is not the man you once knew, I guess they may call it affair fog. I knew my time was up when I noticed my ex had plenty of smiles for anyone but me. Keep posting So very true. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 So sorry for your loss. He left you for a 20 year old? Couldn't be more cliche. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 My partner of 10 years absconded in Feb, we haven't been getting on really well since October. I just noticed that he stopped caring about certain things to do with me..I just couldn't put my finger on it but we are renovating a big old house for the family home in our spare time. We have two children of our own 5 & 7 years which he sees every single day I never understand why, given what's at stake, partners in these types of LTRs with kids and assets don't take advantage of the legal and social protection and advantage offered by marriage ??? Sometimes matrimony is the keystone supporting the bridge... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I never understand why, given what's at stake, partners in these types of LTRs with kids and assets don't take advantage of the legal and social protection and advantage offered by marriage ??? Sometimes matrimony is the keystone supporting the bridge... Mr. Lucky To some, like us Mr Lucky, marriage provides so much. But to others, marriage is like a cage, preventing them from enjoying life. I think our current societal landscape now provides opportunities to the spouse that wants to leave. I've read a fair amount of stories that told how the initiator received large support payments, the marital property, full child custody, etc. My mom is 76. She tells personal stories of couples she knows who worked hard to make the relationship work due to having no resources to leave. Whether the old times or our new times are good/bad/neutral really doesn't bother me because my attitude has changed over the past few years. I now am for setting a spouse free because I prefer to wake up alone rather than wake up to someone plotting against me, yearning to be set free. After being estranged for a few years, I finally updated my Will just last week at the local Notary. One new paragraph basically says "Since my estranged wife did not want the safety and security of a faithful, loving husband, I choose to bequeath $1.00 to her." Mr Lucky, I don't think I'll ever understand the thought process of some people --- but they will probably never understand mine either. Link to post Share on other sites
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