Needing some non partial advice

[DesperatelyUnsure]

Hello,

I have read many posts in this forum however none that have seemed to be of much help with my situation so I thought I'd give it a try and post my own thread in hopes of some non partial responses. So with that I'll try to make this as short as I possibly can.

 

My husband and I have been married 7 years (8 next month) but have known each other for 12 . I have two children from a previous marriage and we have one of our own. When we first started out we were friends first, I never used to look at him and think he would be possible mate material we were just friends. Then after I was well into my divorce (1 year into it) we started hanging out on a more personal level outside of work (still just friends) but eventually after my divorce one thing lead to another and he asked me out we started dating got married ect ..ect..

 

The first two years of our marriage was great, we were best friends, talked, got along and had great communications never kept anything from one another...however over the course of the last 6 years our marriage has had what seems more downs then ups and i'm at the brink of not knowing weather it's ever going to get any better or to just accept the fact that it was what it was and it's not going to ever be that again.

 

We have been seeing a counselor since last October for family, just recently we started going for just the two of us. At times I feel that i'm selling my husband short I feel i've built this wall as far as he's concerned. We've had to deal with obstacles concerning my children from my first marriage. He doesn't like the oldest one who is 14 now and favors my youngest (ours together) which causes problems with me. I realize they aren't his biological children and I've never expected him to replace there father (he is still in the picture as far as my children are concerned) but my kids live with me and in the same house. My kids don't understand favoritism and with them being in the same house I do expect them all to be treated the same. Some think this is unrealistic of me and if so...That's how I feel about it. All three of them are mine and I expect them all to be treated the same. Also my oldest is a teenager and is going through normal adolescense. I know having teenagers aren't always fun but it's all a part of being a parent. Hubby however is not tollerant and thinks she's going to be perfect and shouldn't make mistakes..and always say's Mine will never do that this really frustrates me.

 

With that said...we've also dealt with issues from his family. (Also another long story) I no longer get along with his family and up until a year ago neither did he. I don't keep him away from his family..I encourage him to go see them, spend time with them..but I do not want to be a part of it. They don't like me and they don't like my oldest children (be cause it had been said infront of one of my kids where they over heard a conversation and told me) and with that..i'd rather just not be in that enviroment now unless it's a holiday then I will. I know that may sound selfish but from my point but it's easier for me not to get upset about things said and the possiblitly for me to retaliate. I just feel it keeps the peace.

 

Also my husband has many double standards to which he strongly disagrees..but when push comes to shuv he gets upset when he says he never did. He used to go out and stay out all night and think that was normal behavior. He also finds nothing wrong with going off for the entire day with friends like leaving at 8:30 am and not returning until10-11 pm. But if I go out for a couple of hours after work to go see a movie and grab dinner with my girlfriends if i'm not home by 11-11:30 I get attitude.

 

My husband over the course of our marriage has been friends with numerious women. I'm not upset that he has female friends, what upsets me that he fails to see is that he's more concerned about what there doing, how there doing and being friends with them then he is with me.( I do have 1 male friend, who husband throws in my face..but he's a gay male whom I haven't seen in over a year and half but talk to occasionally (like maybe once a month) on the PC ). One female friend inparticular to which I had made that very statement to him and his reply was "We're just friends, we don't have to try to be friends we just are.. unlike with you we just aren't" This really hurt my feelings. I don't care what relationship you have wether it's friendship or other they all take work..some just seem less then others. When a friend calls you and you return there call..that's making a relationship work..however minute that may seem so..thats' just how I feel about it. I would like to stress that I don't think he's ever had an affair with any of these women so I would just like to put that out there. I do however feel strongly enough that when your marriage is in dissarey and your confiding in other people of the oppisite sex (which I know he's confided in this particular friend) you open yourself up for potential problems wether it be an affair or an emotional attachement that wouldn't normally have developed if all was normal at home. I'm a firm believer in that not all people go out looking to have affairs (I know some do but they are the acception and cowards)..if you talk to people who have had them they don't say well damn when I got married I knew that was going to have an affiar or I knew I was going to fall inlove with such and such other then my spouse. I know how vulnerable people are emotionally when things aren't right at home I know this from experience because I cheated on my first husband (Not with current hubby) and I see both sides of the coin when it comes to extra martial relations. One of our disagreements is over this. He swears he'd never do that...I used to say the same thing but I feel differently now. I realize things happen when you least expect it or shall I say weren't looking for it. Learning from past mistakes I would never do it again...but husband has an extreme problem understanding things to which he's never experienced very narrow minded when it comes to this.

 

I have never cheated on my husband nor have I ever had feelings for another man since him. But I am getting to the point where i'm fed up and starting to dislike all men. I never wanted to be a middle aged women who was bitter against men..but I fear that's where i'm heading. When I try to talk to him we end up arguing, we don't see eye to eye, we have different friends and likes and dislikes. Recently I made the comment that we just don't have anything in common anymore and his reply was "I don't think we ever did"...Like ouch then why'd you marry me.

 

My husband is very cocky in the sense he's the total package. He has a big ego and thinks he's never in the wrong. But then at times he can be the sweetest and most sensitive person. Anymore though it's directed at other people and I get from him " See they can't understand why you are the way you are..they (Other women) think i'm wonderful". I'm like if they lived with you for a month they'd think differently...and I get irritated.

 

Recently we were talking and I told him exactly how I felt , I wasn't being mean or trying to be hurtful I was trying to be honest. Told him I wasn't sure how I felt anymore about our marriage, him and our future. I told him I just don't feel the same as I used to and when he asked me if I still wanted to be married I was honest and told him I wasn't sure. Part of me does, for the fact I remember what we used to have in hopes maybe we can be that again..and the other part of me say's it was what is was and that is in the past and won't ever be again. Im also just so tired of the fighting and arguing it's emotionally draining...and i'm just worn out..I feel that my marriage is supposed to be my safe place and everything else is an obstacle..but it's just the oppisite. I do still love my husband but it's just not the same as it once was. What is really annoying is all the sudden everytime I talk or see him when he gets home from work he asks me "Did you miss me" or "Do you love me" and i'm like since when did you become insecure.. lately its all the time & it's just getting annoying.

 

Lastly..I do think in some way he does love me..but we both agree our love isn't what it used to be. But I do think right now he's feeling threatend because of our recent conversation and now wants to step up to the plate because he's worried about loosing his financial and homelife stablity. I don't think he's still here because he wants our marriage or me for that matter. I also think he stays because we do have a child together. I guess what it boils down to is I don't know if a marriage can ever be repaired when so much has been damaged. People say Just let it go and move on...but some hurts even though happend along time ago..they are still very fresh and has trigger affect. Neither of us have cheated and I honestly feel that in my heart. I know I haven't and if he has..then my gut is wrong. I know this thread seems all over..just trying to get in the most perspective without writing a novel. I'm sorry for being so long.

[Zaira]

It seems to me that you never really had a lot in common to begin with, except the fact that you needed someone when you were going through your divorce. It appears you would have been better off just staying friends, and not taking it the step further (although that is all well and good in hindsight ). I think for the benefit of yourself, and your children, you need to look at moving on, especially if you believe the damage is beyond repair. It is all good saying that you'll stay and TRY, but if no one is going to compromise, or things just can't be worked out, then you're better to separate and try to work things for your children from there.

 

It's a very heartbreaking decision, and only one you can make, but you really do need to concentrate on your own happiness and that of the children FIRST.

[moimeme]

What does your marriage counsellor think? Is it her/his opinion that you two can make it; that he'll change at all? Is he willing to change some of the things that are bothering you? If you've only just started going to counselling, is it maybe that you both need time to implement the counsellor's ideas?

[Zaira]

Originally posted by moimeme

What does your marriage counsellor think? Is it her/his opinion that you two can make it; that he'll change at all? Is he willing to change some of the things that are bothering you? If you've only just started going to counselling, is it maybe that you both need time to implement the counsellor's ideas?

 

That's true too.

[Thinkalot]

I was thinking the same thing- how is the counselling going? what things has it raised? Is the counsellor hopeful?

 

Sounds like there is hope there to me, considering you both are going to counselling. If you both want to make changes then i guess you canhave a brighter future. If however there has been lots of talking, but no real changes, then it's less likely you are going to find happiness in this situation.

[DesperatelyUnsure]

Thank you all for your responses....

 

Let's see...As far as counseling we've been going since October of last year. At first it was family counseling and now it's just he and myself. This week has been pretty rough considering we've had some events such as hubby opening his own checking account and telling me after the fact. I was pretty upset about it..and his response is that he wants to be responsible and handle his own money and that he will no longer give me another paycheck of his. I could appreciate that if I thought that was the case however I really feel he's getting his "Ducks in a row".

 

Also he's been talking to his female friend everyday. I'm not supposed to be upset about that either..but considering our marriage being the way it is It bothers me and he doesn't understand why. Also with this female friend the only way I know he's talking to her is if I ask if he's talked to her. With all his guy friends he'll offer the information or say Oh I talked to such and such today.. but when it comes to her I only know if I ask which I've asked everyday this week and every day it's been yeah Ive talked to her..what does it matter. So with that..if she's just a friend then why do I feel like he's hiding it from me.. This friend Is married and from what hubby has told me her husband doesn't like the fact they talk either. However neither of them care that there spouses are bothered by this and continue to do it. Also Hubby said her husband knows they talk occasionally through emails and sometimes on the phone..UM OCASSIONALLY IS MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH>>NOT DAILY!!!

 

All I can say at this point is i'm not sure what to think anymore..and the more time goes by the less hopeful I am of counseling helping. OH..and the counselor seems to think it's hopeful....ofcourse she would...we're paying her..so we'll see. We go tomorrow for another session...i'm very anxious to see what her imput is on this other women being in the mix. Sometimes I feel i'm over reacting..but with everything being what it is...I can't help but to think the worst.

 

Once again thank you for your responses!!