Relocating to new city experiment failed

[offwithhishead]

I've always had this sneaking suspicion that my lack of dating success with girls had nothing to do with my hometown. My hometown is a medium-sized city with predominantly white population. I am Asian and I am mainly attracted to Asian girls and it was always an easy excuse for me to blame my lack of dating success on my race as well as the fact that Asian girls like white guys more.

 

After a failed relationship earlier this year, I decided to make a last-ditch attempt before throwing in the towel from dating all-together. I moved to a big multicultural city. My job allows me to do this as I can work remotely.

 

I had no intention of really staying as I don't like big cities but I wanted to see if there was a difference with regards to dating. I am a pretty perceptive person who has empathic abilities and so I can gauge how people feel towards me and whether they're interested in getting to know me or not.

 

Keep in mind, my intention was NOT to date or hit on girls. It was to go into social environments specifically within the Asian community and just see how Asian girls responded to me. To see if there was a big difference between how white girls respond to me and how Asian girls respond.

 

After going to many social events and spending about two months living here, I've come to the conclusion that it's not really about race. Maybe my race plays a 5-10% role. From what I've seen, Asian girls who prefer Asian guys are just as picky about who they date. Even if their preference is Asian guys and not white guys, they are still incredibly picky. Of course the prettier they are, the more picky they are.

 

As for white girls in this city, because they grew up in a more multicultural environment, dating a guy who is non-white doesn't seem like a big deal. I've even seen, although rare, white girls with Asian guys but usually these Asian guys were the "cream of the crop" as in they were tall and pretty good looking.

 

So the general conclusion is, you have to be attractive. If you're an attractive guy who has an interesting personality, being Asian plays a very minor role in success with girls, both with whites and Asians. This same guy wouldn't do that badly in my hometown where there are few Asians as I still think he could get white girls although it might take more effort and take longer.

 

Being a short Asian guy is a disadvantage in both cities. The difference is negligible. Even though there are more Asian girls who like Asian guys, they still didn't have much of an interest in getting to know ME specifically. Mainly cause there are other Asian guys who are taller, better looking and probably have more interesting hobbies.

 

And although there does seem to be a population of Asian guys who seem to be permanently single, it's not due to some sort of discrimination. It's their own fault for being nerdy, unattractive, boring and most of all.....TIMID. The outgoing Asian guys who are out there living their lives seem to be able to find Asian girls willing to date them.

 

Now I didn't expect some sort of radical transformation coming to the big city. This was just an experiment to confirm what I already highly suspected. That it's ME that's primarily the problem. I've come to the conclusion of the following:

 

- Girls of any race (including Asian) don't like short guys

- Fact that I'm successful and make good salary means little to girls (both white and Asian). They are not looking for a sugar daddy or someone to pay their way in life. At most, they may respect you for your accomplishments but that won't make them attracted to you.

- Having "boring" intellectual interests does not make me interesting to girls. They want funny, playful guys who can always think up of new activities to try out and do.

- An attractive guy is an attractive guy. He will do well anywhere.

 

Now that I know this for sure, I am moving back to my hometown. It's cheaper and the quality of life is higher. I also feel more creative and more productive in my work when I'm in a smaller city, maybe because I feel more relaxed. My work life has suffered a bit due to living in a crowded city in the past two months. I'm not as productive.

 

I never liked big cities and how expensive it is and how annoying it is just to run simple errands. The only plus that it offered was a bigger diverse dating pool but now I know that it doesn't apply to me.

 

I know what I've discovered may seem like common sense but like many things in life, you actually have to try out the real thing in order to know for sure.

Edited August 28, 2016 by offwithhishead

[SoThatHappened]

I know what I've discovered may seem like common sense but like many things in life, you actually have to try out the real thing in order to know for sure.

You may be short, boring, and ugly, but at least you have the balls to do what you just did.

 

Nicely done, sir.

[offwithhishead]

You may be short, boring, and ugly, but at least you have the balls to do what you just did.

 

Nicely done, sir.

 

Thanks but I've never lacked balls in anything in my life. But that's never made a difference with girls. They just don't care.

[SammySammy]

And although there does seem to be a population of Asian guys who seem to be permanently single, it's not due to some sort of discrimination. It's their own fault for being nerdy, unattractive, boring and most of all.....TIMID. The outgoing Asian guys who are out there living their lives seem to be able to find Asian girls willing to date them.

Now I didn't expect some sort of radical transformation coming to the big city. This was just an experiment to confirm what I already highly suspected. That it's ME that's primarily the problem.

 

This is true for men of all races.

 

What is your next step?

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is true for men of all races.

 

What is your next step?

 

Nice move. Though it kind of makes sense if you're Asian or white, if both races are unattractive, it's kind of moot.

[offwithhishead]

This is true for men of all races.

 

What is your next step?

 

That may be true but there is a lesser percentage of Asian guys who fit that bill than in other races.

 

I have no next step. I'm going back to my hometown and I'm going to focus on my career like I always have. It's the only area in my life where I have control over and where my attractiveness plays little role.

 

I have no plans to get back into even attempting to date. I'm an unattractive guy. Being Asian and short only adds the nails to the coffin. That has been made very clear to me.

[SammySammy]

Nice move. Though it kind of makes sense if you're Asian or white, if both races are unattractive, it's kind of moot.

 

It's not a move.

 

I don't believe Asians are unattractive. I don't believe any group is inherently unattractive.

 

I do believe individuals can be unattractive due to their self-limiting beliefs and attitudes. Fortunately, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors can be changed.

[offwithhishead]

Nice move. Though it kind of makes sense if you're Asian or white, if both races are unattractive, it's kind of moot.

 

Not really so if you're white. In both my hometown and in the big city I'm currently living, you see the kind of white guy who couldn't in his life get a pretty white girl but he's able to land a pretty Asian girl. That seems to be the trend.

 

Why does this happen? It's a combination of two factors. There's a large percentage of Asian guys who are just too unattractive, short, nerdy and TIMID...leaving a percentage of Asian girls who can't find attractive Asian guys and so they settle for an unattractive white guy who is at least fun and confident and cheerful and NOT timid. Even though this white guy may entertain odd fetishes in his head about Asian girls and may have even specifically targeted Asian girls for dating because of his lack of success with white girls.

 

The attractive Asian guys who are fun and outgoing do fine but unfortunately, my race seems to have a higher percentage of guys who simply will not do well with girls no matter what. Maybe it's genetics and the East Asian race is meant to be filtered out, myself being one of them. Who knows.

 

I don't think it's a deliberate act on the part of white men. I don't think white men have this vendetta against Asian guys. If that were the case, I wouldn't have had the professional success that I've had, being a short unattractive Asian guy. If white men truly were out to destroy a race, they'd start by attacking their means of livelihood by not letting Asian men develop their careers and academics but these are primarily the fields that Asian men tend to excel at.

 

So I don't think there's some wide conspiracy. It's just that Asian girls tend to fit the bill the ideal model type: thin and youthful-looking. Asian guys don't fit the masculine look and have to compensate by being more successful, fun and outgoing and interesting.

 

The Asian guys who aren't attractive or fun or interesting are simply left out. It's as simple as that.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Not really so if you're white. In both my hometown and in the big city I'm currently living, you see the kind of white guy who couldn't in his life get a pretty white girl but he's able to land a pretty Asian girl. That seems to be the trend.

 

Why does this happen? It's a combination of two factors. There's a large percentage of Asian guys who are just too unattractive, short, nerdy and TIMID...leaving a percentage of Asian girls who can't find attractive Asian guys and so they settle for an unattractive white guy who is at least fun and confident and cheerful and NOT timid. Even though this white guy may entertain odd fetishes in his head about Asian girls and may have even specifically targeted Asian girls for dating because of his lack of success with white girls.

 

The attractive Asian guys who are fun and outgoing do fine but unfortunately, my race seems to have a higher percentage of guys who simply will not do well with girls no matter what. Maybe it's genetics and the East Asian race is meant to be filtered out, myself being one of them. Who knows.

 

I don't think it's a deliberate act on the part of white men. I don't think white men have this vendetta against Asian guys. If that were the case, I wouldn't have had the professional success that I've had, being a short unattractive Asian guy. If white men truly were out to destroy a race, they'd start by attacking their means of livelihood by not letting Asian men develop their careers and academics but these are primarily the fields that Asian men tend to excel at.

 

So I don't think there's some wide conspiracy. It's just that Asian girls tend to fit the bill the ideal model type: thin and youthful-looking. Asian guys don't fit the masculine look and have to compensate by being more successful, fun and outgoing and interesting.

 

The Asian guys who aren't attractive or fun or interesting are simply left out. It's as simple as that.

 

I wonder if it's because Asian men are small framed in general? I mean, I can recall Bruce Lee was 5'4", but well, he was Bruce Lee. Oh Robin Shou from Mortal Kombat. Of course, these guys worked out. Of course, I'm thinking of expert martial artists.

 

Any not-so-Athletic Asian male celebrities out there? I can think of some of those in supporting roles on TV shows.

 

BD Wong from Jurassic Park and World.

 

Is it because Asian women are becoming more modernized like Caucasian to find manly-ness in a man and there's something unmanly about even a fit Asian man? They are just "small" people in general?

 

Even the Eastern world is becoming modernized. Like Japanese women are getting to be like American women (thanks to McDonalds) there and Okinawa.

[CarrieT]

How old are you, OP?

[Satu]

No relationship is a ticket to happiness.

 

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.

 

Conversely there are many single people who are happy.

 

If you're not happy now, a relationship won't make you happy.

 

You would just continue to be unhappy, albeit in a different context.

 

The unhappiness would just change its shape.

 

I don't believe you're unhappy because, "Asian guys who aren't attractive or fun or interesting are simply left out."

 

I think you're unhappy because you don't know how to be happy.

 

Happiness doesn't depend on external circumstances, such as having a girlfriend or wealth. It comes from the deepest part of your being, where you find your connection to everything and everyone.

 

I think that your real problem is that you're not connected with yourself on that level, and you're trying to fill the void from the outside.

 

It can't be done.

 

Countless philosophers, over thousands of years, have repeated and explained that fact.

 

So:

 

Don't blame your race

Don't blame your height

Don't blame your genes

Don't blame women

Don't blame the world

 

Learn to be happy, instead.

 

You might ask how that can be done.

 

The answer is simple:

 

Look within.

 

At first you will see a void, an absence, but if you keep looking, you will find the truth.

 

You said:

 

I'm going to focus on my career like I always have. It's the only area in my life where I have control over and where my attractiveness plays little role.

 

There is another more important area you can control, which is your state of consciousness.

 

You are already doing that all the time, but you're not aware that you're doing it.

 

 

"I am doing it

 

the it I am doing is

 

the I that is doing it

 

the I that is doing it is

 

the it I am doing

 

it is doing the I that am doing it

 

I am being done by the it I am doing"

 

- RD Laing, 'Knots.'

 

Look within.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

OP you continue to speak about how you are unattractive to good looking white women and good looking asian women, so why don't you go out with not so good looking asian and white women? In otherwords, why don't you lower your standards? There are lots of not so good looking women who can't get a date.

[preraph]

Yes, women are often picky about attractiveness, just like guys are, but I honestly never saw them being quite as bad about it, even though the pretties of them certainly could do that if they wanted to.

 

Personality can offset a lot. I have known guys with great personalities who weren't EVEN physically attractive who always had interested women. But the personality has to be exceptional, charming, truly funny, witty, etc. Entertaining. Women love entertaining guys.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

I wonder if it's because Asian men are small framed in general? I mean, I can recall Bruce Lee was 5'4", but well, he was Bruce Lee. Oh Robin Shou from Mortal Kombat. Of course, these guys worked out. Of course, I'm thinking of expert martial artists.

 

Any not-so-Athletic Asian male celebrities out there? I can think of some of those in supporting roles on TV shows.

 

BD Wong from Jurassic Park and World.

 

Is it because Asian women are becoming more modernized like Caucasian to find manly-ness in a man and there's something unmanly about even a fit Asian man? They are just "small" people in general?

 

Even the Eastern world is becoming modernized. Like Japanese women are getting to be like American women (thanks to McDonalds) there and Okinawa.

 

I must point out that BD Wong is openly gay.

 

B.D. Wong | LGBTHistoryMonth.com

[Els]

Of COURSE Asian girls who prefer Asian guys are equally picky about who they date! Were you somehow expecting them to give you a free pass...?

 

When you're looking for a long-term relationship it makes a lot of sense to be picky, instead of just going with the first living, breathing male you encounter.

[offwithhishead]

Of COURSE Asian girls who prefer Asian guys are equally picky about who they date! Were you somehow expecting them to give you a free pass...?

 

When you're looking for a long-term relationship it makes a lot of sense to be picky, instead of just going with the first living, breathing male you encounter.

 

Where did I say in my post that I was expecting a free pass? I thought I made it explicitly clear that I was simply looking to see if Asian girls would react more positively to me than white girls would. I wasn't hitting on them or even flirting with them. They're simply casual social gatherings where people try to make new friends.

 

There are lots of single Asian girls who prefer Asian guys in this city but I think they're super picky. There are plenty of attractive Asian guys who are totally dateable but the girls don't seem interested. I don't know what they're looking for. I'm not saying I'm attractive and dateable but I'm saying there are plenty of Asian guys here who are but can't get a date.

 

What does being super picky serve? It just means they're going to get older and end up alone. And maybe miss out on a good guy who will eventually find someone who is less picky.

 

One good thing from this experience is that I know at least the essence of Asians in Canada will not be obliterated due to yellow fever and White guys' attraction towards Asian girls.

 

The prettiest Asian girls still prefer Asian guys and so even if 50% of Asian girls date white guys, the elite of our people will be preserved for generations to come. We're not going to be wiped out like the native americans.

[Els]

Where did I say in my post that I was expecting a free pass? I thought I made it explicitly clear that I was simply looking to see if Asian girls would react more positively to me than white girls would. I wasn't hitting on them or even flirting with them. They're simply casual social gatherings where people try to make new friends.

 

There are lots of single Asian girls who prefer Asian guys in this city but I think they're super picky. There are plenty of attractive Asian guys who are totally dateable but the girls don't seem interested. I don't know what they're looking for. I'm not saying I'm attractive and dateable but I'm saying there are plenty of Asian guys here who are but can't get a date.

 

What does being super picky serve? It just means they're going to get older and end up alone. And maybe miss out on a good guy who will eventually find someone who is less picky.

 

Being picky (for the right things) means that the person you are with will most likely be compatible. It also means that you are less likely to end up in a marriage of convenience where you feel nothing for the other person, and where your only honest option for experiencing passion and love is a divorce and separation from your kids.

 

Lots of people are picky and are in LTRs/marriages - people tend to eventually meet people. Also, in Canada I don't think women's age is a huge factor, so there isn't really a particular age after which she would 'end up alone'.

 

The prettiest Asian girls still prefer Asian guys and so even if 50% of Asian girls date white guys, the elite of our people will be preserved for generations to come. We're not going to be wiped out like the native americans.

Dafug did I just read????

 

Yeah... I wonder why you haven't been able to find a girl. It's a real mystery.

[offwithhishead]

I'm an Asian male. Quite short. 5'5.

 

There are no dating prospects for me in the current city that I live in. The demographics of the city is about 90% Caucasian and I've pretty much given up on Caucasian girls liking me. Even though I feel if some got the chance to know me, they'd like me, many of them just don't consider an Asian guy, especially a short Asian guy even dateable.

 

However, every other aspect of my life is good here. I built my career here. It's a beautiful city and I love just walking around it. It feels like home even if I'm just walking alone or going to the local coffee shop. Most of my close friends are here. And my parents and brother are here as well. Most of all, I'm attached to my home. I bought a home here and it's in a beautiful area and it's a great place to live.

 

However, after 10 years of hanging out with friends at pubs, going to clubs, online dating, there just isn't much market for me here. This past summer, I relocated briefly for two months to a big city just as a litmust test to test out the dating scene. This city has lots of Asians and I wanted to see if I'd have better dating prospects.

 

I'd say although the dating prospects are better for me, it's by no means easy either. There are lots of Asian guys as competition too. The Asian girls are pursued by guys of all races in the city and so it's by no means a free-for-all. That being said, I got way more dates than I would have in my native city.

 

However, besides the dating prospects being better, I hated everything else about the big city. I've never been a big city person in my soul. I love beauty, nature, and if I could, I'd rather live in an even smaller city or a small town somewhere. Also in the big city, although it may be easier for me to get dates, that doesn't mean it's easy to get a good relationship. Because there are so many Asians in the city, there's this false illusion of choice that people have. After only two months, I got a case of "dating burnout" and I had this desire to retreat back to my native city where I was comfortable and just recover.

 

The thing is, I've been totally broken by the girls in my native city. It's gotten to the point where I don't even bother anymore. I know white girls won't like me. I know I don't have a dating future here but I feel so oddly attached.

 

Would you relocate and sacrifice everything just for better dating prospects?

[Shanex]

Good question.

 

It wouldn't change who I am hence, I couldn't escape myself. Now, I've been to different countries and regions where curiously I was thinking of myself 'am I such a stud here?' Which means being approached in public by the ladies quite often, and no, not only to bum me a smoke.

 

I would move out someday but not only for dating prospects, more focused on career related stuffs. Now, if dating improve along why not.

 

I assume by your perfect English that you're Asian American (and living in America?) Hardly flash news but LA, San Francisco and Seattle have their fair share of Asian ladies willing to date someone 'their own kind'.

 

Apologies if you're a Canadian, but that applies to western Canada too.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Shanex

[kmack513]

Being short for a guy is the most difficult issue attracting women. OP go get a foreign girl, shorter petite.

[offwithhishead]

Good question.

 

It wouldn't change who I am hence, I couldn't escape myself. Now, I've been to different countries and regions where curiously I was thinking of myself 'am I such a stud here?' Which means being approached in public by the ladies quite often, and no, not only to bum me a smoke.

 

I would move out someday but not only for dating prospects, more focused on career related stuffs. Now, if dating improve along why not.

 

I assume by your perfect English that you're Asian American (and living in America?) Hardly flash news but LA, San Francisco and Seattle have their fair share of Asian ladies willing to date someone 'their own kind'.

 

Apologies if you're a Canadian, but that applies to western Canada too.

 

The fact that English is my native language and that I speak like a native doesn't matter. It doesn't improve my dating aspects.

 

I've always been baffled the fascination that Asian girls have for white guys. I have had my share of white friends and I consider white people just about the same as every race I've encountered. There are good and there are bad. But for some reason, Asian girls are drawn to white men. But white women don't like Asian men unless he's truly exceptional.

 

There may be Asian ladies in certain cities who still want to date Asian guys but the very fact that they are high in demand by men of other races and the fact that they have an "alternative" makes it that much harder.

 

When I approach Asian girls, I have a lot of trepidation. She could be the kinda Asian girl who ONLY dates white guys. Or she could be open to dating Asian guys but only the very elite and has very specific requirements for Asian guys and if those requirements are not met, she will "threaten" to date white guys.

 

I feel that Asian girls are holding Asian guys hostage by saying, "If you don't measure up, I'm going to go and date a white guy."

[offwithhishead]

This isn't a flame thread. Please here me out.

 

I assume most of the male population on this forum are caucasian. As an Asian male, do you realize the advantages that you inherently have over guys of other races? Pretty much every race of girl on this earth would be open and also in some cases, very much willing to date a white guy.

 

If you guys are having so much trouble dating white women, then go for girls of other races. Asian girls seem to be the most popular non-white women to date nowadays.

 

Go to any big multicultural city in North America and observe the white guys dating asian girls, the white guys are very much average. From what I've read on this forum, most of you seem articulate and have pretty good education with decent careers. I don't get why you are having so much trouble. If white women in your hometown aren't giving you the time of day, then relocate to a big city and hit on girls of other race.

 

I'm too lazy to cite articles but Asian-American men earn the highest $$$ per hour and we're also amongst the most highly educated males in the country. Yet, we can't even compete with the most average of white guys in this country for the affections of a girl. The trouble of Asian-American men dating in this country has been well documented.

 

Do you realize how frustrating that is if you're an Asian male? You've accomplished all the things that you thought girls would respect in you only to find that the girls dont' care about your education or high earning power and just want to date that nice white boy next door.

 

When I read the stories on here about how difficult it is you're having it dating-wise on here, sorry but you have no idea how HARD dating life can be.

 

I realize I'm being non-politically correct here but this is a sign of white privilege. You guys simply don't realize you don't have it that bad and that guys of other races have it MUCH harder.

 

Trust me, I'm an Asian-Canadian male. I know my people. And I know white people. I know both cultures. White males, despite all the difficulties you have dating, it's nothing compared to what guys of other races have.

 

I would trade places with a white male anyday purely to have it easier dating.

[offwithhishead]

Being short for a guy is the most difficult issue attracting women. OP go get a foreign girl, shorter petite.

 

You forget that I'm Asian myself. At least genetically. I look like an Asian male. So I'm not foreign if I go to Asian and find myself an Asian wife. Get it?

 

It may work for you white males when you go to Asia but not for me.

[Shanex]

You know, a white man, ugly, poor, and insecure will have a lot of troubles dating too, unfortunately.

 

Whereas the rich, smart and confident Asian stud will be overwhelmed by other Asian ladies or even other 'skin of colors'.

 

'Race' isn't everything.

[offwithhishead]

You know, a white man, ugly, poor, and insecure will have a lot of troubles dating too, unfortunately.

 

Whereas the rich, smart and confident stud Asian man will be overwhelmed by other Asian ladies or even other 'skin of colors'.

 

'Race' isn't everything.

 

Where do you live? Do you live in North America? Have you been to cities such as Toronto, LA, New York, San Francisco?

 

You see average or even ugly white guys dating pretty Asian girls.

 

And yeah you're right, if you're an Asian male and you want success in dating, you pretty much have to be rich, smart and good looking. Guess what? That means only 10% of Asian males could have a good dating life.

 

Race IS everything. To compete with the average white guy in dating, the Asian guy has to be much, much better. So Race IS Everything.