Jump to content

Did you contact the husband or wife during the affair


Recommended Posts

Do not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a moment to grieve the end of your affair, but do not allow yourself to wallow in misery. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you know what happened was for the best. Sometimes the universe conspires against us, and forces our hand. For our own sakes!

 

You sound like a nice person, with a big heart and a great capacity to love. Why waste all of that on someone else's man? When you have recovered from your heartbreak, and are publicly enjoying a new romance, this thought may cross your mind: WTF was I thinking?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm watching a lot of betrayals blow up around me and the one thing they (the ones I see, not a generalization) is that the mm has no intention of leaving. In fact, the marital home was never a prison with bars at all. I know one mw who left for her mm (high school reunions are dangerous) and she dud it immediately without looking back once. People who know they want to leave don't hem and haw about it unless they are big babies waiting for someone else to make the decision.

 

My wh said cheating was like eating junk food every day. It satisfied the pangs for a bit, but there was no way to continue living like that healthily. It was slowly poisoning him.

 

This is very accurate.

 

And my WS did leave for the OW for a few months but also couldn't do it long term.

 

99% of the time the OW can't compete with wife history, kids, financial security, and shame.

 

Once the affair is no longer hidden in its nice little bubble of fantasy and is now exposed to real life....reality hits - literally slams into the WS and they go back to their reality.

 

Listen. Something like 75% of second marriages end in divorce, and that doesn't even take into account affairs. Relationships starting in affairs also have high divorce rates and if there's a substantial age difference? Even worse. 20 year age gap has a 95% chance of divorce within 5 years. When you start adding all those together....your chances are very low as an OW.

Edited by aileD
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
beentheregotthetee

Here's what I know about being in an affair for three years. We are both married. Two years ago, his wife found out, but we still continue. She thinks it's over and he attends counseling with her. (I know, that's despicable) I tried to end the A, because I think it's awful what he's doing to her. My own spouse doesn't suspect a thing. Each time I try to end it, my AP pursues me, and we remain together. We each lie to each other and say we love each other. Surely, yes, we care a great deal about each other, and there is love, but it's really just the incredible sex. That's it. Neither of us has any passion or intimacy at home...we have friendships with our spouses, sex relations with our spouses because we have to, but there is no passion, romance, or fire. With each other, we "play" at the love part like it's a scene in a movie, it serves to justify our behavior...but the essence of the affair is a sex addiction. Never have either of us ever experienced the mega-intensity of the physical relationship we have. What is true is that he loves his wife (though he says he wants to leave her, I suspect that's an act), I love my husband, and I will never leave him. (My marriage is surprisingly strong and satisfying as a friendship, but it's, like I say, completely devoid of sex or physical intimacy, though we laugh and greatly enjoy each others company.) In the affair, we enjoy being together, but it's a fantasy escape from reality and the stress of all the day to day concerns. He sees only the best of me, I ignore the annoying things about him and focus on the best of him, mainly, his sexual ability. I know this: if we were to leave our spouses and get together, it wouldn't last two months. We both married people way better than we are, together, we would implode. We are selfishly getting from each other, the one thing missing from our respective marriages. For now, we are happy with that. All in all, it feels wonderful, but it's pretty goddam sick. But it isn't real and anyone who thinks it is, is only deluding themselves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Here's what I know about being in an affair for three years. We are both married. Two years ago, his wife found out, but we still continue. She thinks it's over and he attends counseling with her. (I know, that's despicable) I tried to end the A, because I think it's awful what he's doing to her. My own spouse doesn't suspect a thing. Each time I try to end it, my AP pursues me, and we remain together. We each lie to each other and say we love each other. Surely, yes, we care a great deal about each other, and there is love, but it's really just the incredible sex. That's it. Neither of us has any passion or intimacy at home...we have friendships with our spouses, sex relations with our spouses because we have to, but there is no passion, romance, or fire. With each other, we "play" at the love part like it's a scene in a movie, it serves to justify our behavior...but the essence of the affair is a sex addiction. Never have either of us ever experienced the mega-intensity of the physical relationship we have. What is true is that he loves his wife (though he says he wants to leave her, I suspect that's an act), I love my husband, and I will never leave him. (My marriage is surprisingly strong and satisfying as a friendship, but it's, like I say, completely devoid of sex or physical intimacy, though we laugh and greatly enjoy each others company.) In the affair, we enjoy being together, but it's a fantasy escape from reality and the stress of all the day to day concerns. He sees only the best of me, I ignore the annoying things about him and focus on the best of him, mainly, his sexual ability. I know this: if we were to leave our spouses and get together, it wouldn't last two months. We both married people way better than we are, together, we would implode. We are selfishly getting from each other, the one thing missing from our respective marriages. For now, we are happy with that. All in all, it feels wonderful, but it's pretty goddam sick. But it isn't real and anyone who thinks it is, is only deluding themselves.

 

 

Wow, I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Midwestmissy

Beenthere - it's a disturbing story for sure. I'm pretty sure you could re ignite the passion with your bh if it was a priority. It would make walking away from mm simple. I want to throw up thinking that mm continues to lie to his wife, it's so horrifying to put myself in her place. And you're complicit as well. Ew.

 

But take a tantric sex seminar with your husband and see what happens. If you love you bh, making love will always be better than emotionless dirty sex. I think staying with mm is an excuse to not try harder with bh. Really sad - you could have so much more with no deceit.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I contacted the OW, I caught my H passed out drunk with his phone to his ear at 5am & called the last number that he had called. It actually wasn't a bad conversation, I never lost my cool with her & she was honest about everything...I never held any contempt for her. After, my H tried the whole "she's crazy" & yada yada yada...I wouldn't listen nor did I want to hear it. Kind of made me sick that he turned on her so quickly. Then again I'm just the type to refuse to get into a pissig match or fight over any man, don't care if he's my husband. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that if a man has continually had sex & hung out with a woman he has feelings after awhile.

 

Your OM is just a plain coward...like most men are when caught doing something wrong. There are sooo many factors to a marriage. Number one reason most men won't leave is money...they don't want to lose half of their stuff & then droning on the state, they may have to pay for life & then add kids to pay for...it's a lot! He's in panic mode & the easiest thing to do is turn on you. Just look at what his wife has "won" a cowardly excuse for a man. A man she now will treat like a child...while you move on with your life he's not even going to be able to go to the store without her on his ass...all things you don't have to deal with. After awhile you'll be happy you didn't "win" such a prize :)

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Beenthere - it's a disturbing story for sure. I'm pretty sure you could re ignite the passion with your bh if it was a priority. It would make walking away from mm simple. I want to throw up thinking that mm continues to lie to his wife, it's so horrifying to put myself in her place. And you're complicit as well. Ew.

 

But take a tantric sex seminar with your husband and see what happens. If you love you bh, making love will always be better than emotionless dirty sex. I think staying with mm is an excuse to not try harder with bh. Really sad - you could have so much more with no deceit.

 

On the money.

 

A LS member posted the following

"I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting."

 

Also marriage is not about getting enough it's about giving enough.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

beentheregotthetee, you will get no judgment from me. I have been on both sides of this issue.

 

I understand how hot affair sex can be, it can scratch an itch that you did not know you had, I have been there.

 

Please, just listen to what I am telling you. I have been on the other end as well. I'm as strong confident guy, had plenty of women, and when I found out about my wife, I literally wanted to die. If I had not had children to raise, I would have killed myself with out a doubt. If I did not have to raise my children, I would have checked out. And I am not a suicidal person.

 

You have looked around on LS and other forums, you have read the stories, and yet you still have no I deal how much pain infidelity can cause.

 

When your husband, whom you love, finds out you will see a man crumble before your eyes. You will say to yourself and him, honey it was just sex. The pain that you will witness in his eyes, will burn down to his soul, his very core. If you are any type of person the pain that you feel for him at that moment is also like nothing you have ever felt, and all the great hot affair sex will melt away like a fond memory.

 

Look at how you already view your husband, how you degrade and disrespect him in your mind. "You are good friends", "his lack of ability in the bedroom", "the mercy sex because you have to"!!! What self respecting man would ever accept that if he knew about it. And even though you "Love" your husband, you don't care that you could destroy the man. He deserves more respect and you know it.

 

Have you ever thought about putting some of that effort into your husband? Have you tried to teach him what pleases you. Have you thought about swinging to spice things up. It is just a chemistry or size thing with your AP, there are ways to deal with it. You may have to get creative.

 

I understand about the great sex, I have been with women where the sex was so hot and effortless it blew my mind. I have had women teach me things that I did not know existed at the time. I have been there.

 

What you may not understand is that you affair will blow up at some point, they all do. Either have the courage to divorce your husband and keep the AP as a FWB, or please stop it.

 

Our spouses are not nearly as stupid as we think, I promise you that. He knows something is up right this minute. He may not know what it is or he may be in denial, but he know something is going on with you.

 

Please spare yourself and your husband the pain that is coming and think about what I am saying.

 

If you want to do the membership thing on LS, which is really cheap, you can PM me if you want to talk about this outside of a thread.

 

Good luck to you...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not trying to reconcile the affair. I want to know if anyone else has made contact with the AP wife, not to even tell her but made contact or did tell her, and if so, what happened and did he eventually forgive or is that hate again the other woman forever? How did you heal?

 

I didn't personally. In my A, he wasn't married, but I also knew very little about her as he really misrepresented his relationship with her so because of that for the first year almost, I had no clue I was even an OW. When I found out, I still stuck around because I was hooked, but I didn't have any thoughts about contacting her.

 

Last year I again met a guy who similarly completely lied about his relationship and when I found out he downplayed it and almost did a good job of convincing me otherwise, in that scenario I ended up seeing her FB page and I was especially tempted to contact her when they got engaged because he was STILL, up to the week prior, trying to talk to me....but I said you know what, it's not worth it. If I do it, I would have to invest some time into it, I would have to show proof and it would be a thing and did I really want to be mired in more drama? No...so I just chose to erase myself completely.

 

I think telling or not telling is a personal choice. I don't think this woman deserves to be marrying a cheating liar, but then I don't know her and I also don't know what denials she has chosen and I'm like sooner or later she will find out on her own, esp if he continues, and he likely will. But for me it didn't feel like the best thing to tell. But, if any of those women contacted me seeking info, I would have told the truth, esp in this last scenario, as I was also bamboozled. I think it's a little different if you go into an A knowing the score...to me it seems a lot shadier and more for one's self in that case when you decide to tell, if you had known all along and chose the A. Whereas in the case of you being lied to as well, it's easier to understand how and why you might reach out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980
Here's what I know about being in an affair for three years. We are both married. Two years ago, his wife found out, but we still continue. She thinks it's over and he attends counseling with her. (I know, that's despicable) I tried to end the A, because I think it's awful what he's doing to her. My own spouse doesn't suspect a thing. Each time I try to end it, my AP pursues me, and we remain together. We each lie to each other and say we love each other. Surely, yes, we care a great deal about each other, and there is love, but it's really just the incredible sex. That's it. Neither of us has any passion or intimacy at home...we have friendships with our spouses, sex relations with our spouses because we have to, but there is no passion, romance, or fire. With each other, we "play" at the love part like it's a scene in a movie, it serves to justify our behavior...but the essence of the affair is a sex addiction. Never have either of us ever experienced the mega-intensity of the physical relationship we have. What is true is that he loves his wife (though he says he wants to leave her, I suspect that's an act), I love my husband, and I will never leave him. (My marriage is surprisingly strong and satisfying as a friendship, but it's, like I say, completely devoid of sex or physical intimacy, though we laugh and greatly enjoy each others company.) In the affair, we enjoy being together, but it's a fantasy escape from reality and the stress of all the day to day concerns. He sees only the best of me, I ignore the annoying things about him and focus on the best of him, mainly, his sexual ability. I know this: if we were to leave our spouses and get together, it wouldn't last two months. We both married people way better than we are, together, we would implode. We are selfishly getting from each other, the one thing missing from our respective marriages. For now, we are happy with that. All in all, it feels wonderful, but it's pretty goddam sick. But it isn't real and anyone who thinks it is, is only deluding themselves.

 

xMM also boasts that he lies in counseling and if I let it, the A would have restarted. He only attends counseling to give her a false sense of security. He told me that straight out. I thought that was pretty despicable. It's also why I don't believe in MC. Unless its a rare guy who enjoys talking about his feelings (I know 2), most are there under duress and will say anything to just make it all go away.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't be like my WH's former AP and send him emails proclaiming your undying love and begging him to come back to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

1. I know what it's like to be REALLY worried about someone who I love & can't contact at the time. It doesn't make you malicious or dumb to do something desperate when you TRULY fear for a loved ones safety.

 

2. Until you've experienced a d-day you don't know what it's like. I was shattered. It's beyond devastating. Please believe me. He isn't living some blissful, wonderful, romantic life! HE BUGGERED-UP HIS LIFE. He's scrambling because he's been caught red-handed committing adultery. His wife is loosing her mind, her heart, her faith. She isn't "happy" now....she will probably never be truly happy again in this life. :(

 

3. His wife will NEVER forget & nothing you've said indicates that he has the character to heal his family long term. Just because the bs doesn't file for divorce on d-day DOESN'T mean she won't drown in resentment & divorce once the paralyzing shock wears off.

 

What are you going to do if he comes crawling back to you then?

 

4. After d-day my WH questioned his OW career. He insinuated that she was only employed to 'fluff' (the porn term) business men for her company. I WAS the very successful, only female, business woman in a male industry when we first met. What did he think of me?

 

Ugh! MM slander their wives AND their mistresses, just at different times, to different audiences.

 

5. Please believe me. His wife has LOST so very much. You have LOST. Both women have been changed & broken by giving their hearts to this HORRIBLE failure of a man. The only aspect of this I'm finding hard to understand is why on earth OP you think he's this amazing, compassionate, special man (I find it hard to type the word 'man' after all I've read!) :sick:

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a BW and early in my husband's affair the OW accidentally contacted me instead of him. She pretended it was a work matter, but she sounded really upset when I answered the phone. When I asked him about her he gave me some weak excuse which I accepted because I trusted him. I should have looked further because the affair continued on for another 6 years before I found out!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He had revealed to me in the beginning of our relationship that he knew his wife had cheated on him, so not only was he trying to recover from his previous affair with his coworker from the previous 2.5 years before meeting me, he also was keenly aware of his wife's unfaithfulness.

I think it is easier for her to forgive him because she had done it herself. I know he will cheat again (and will be even more careful so that his wife never learn of all his future affairs, as he, without a doubt will cheat again and again)and what is interesting is that even though he may value his family more than the convenience of an OW and he was scared to death of losing his kids and mutual friends respect, finances (well, actually he would have probably of been better off with me in that department), and scared of his spouse, which is why he ended it due to his wife's request to cut all contact, it's just a matter of time until he will need that "fix" again and again but will cover his a$$ better in the future so she doesn't learn of future affairs and their marriage will always be a lie. She is a fool if she thinks he will ever be faithful. He will love her more deeply than he may ever has for a while but it will wear off and he will be right back to pursuing the next OW.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you ShatteredLady... You're analogy of him being a "horrible failure of a man" is true. I needed to hear that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...