Did you contact the husband or wife during the affair

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf has a truly deep heart that has literally saved the life of at least one BS around here

 

 

Pickle, thank you xx

[NewLeaf512]

Not quite sure about THAT lol

 

 

Lobe as you get to know me you'll know that's sincere

[Grey Cloud]

Yes, my guess is he has made me out to be the crazy person too. Just baffles me how many amazing times we had together, how many millions of times he told me how much he loved me, how he didn't see a future with his wife, but was hoping for one with me someday, and so many of the compliments he gave me. He always told me how much he loved how I was so caring and kind. But the instant he felt his wife was upset by something I did (which again, not my intention, but man, what a bad choice it was that I will forever regret and be sorry for and wish I could repair) he went running to her.

 

And this ^^^^ is how it plays out time and time again.

 

Wife finds out, MM makes out the OW is crazy and chased him relentlessly, he runs back to his wife with his tail between his legs. The OW is left out in the cold wondering what the hell happened and how their "loving" AP has become so cold.

 

In my case there was no d-day but his wife became suspicious that he was having an affair with me but had no proof. He pretty much did the same thing as he got scared. When their secret world starts colliding with their home life it ain't going to be pretty. If I had made contact with his wife in any way, shape and form I can guarantee he would hate me for it. They never want their secret to be exposed.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And this ^^^^ is how it plays out time and time again.

 

Wife finds out, MM makes out the OW is crazy and chased him relentlessly, he runs back to his wife with his tail between his legs. The OW is left out in the cold wondering what the hell happened and how their "loving" AP has become so cold.

.

 

Yep. Exactly. 100%

[Lobe]

Lobe as you get to know me you'll know that's sincere

 

Refreshing to hear - I'm used to being labeled the psychotic ice queen BS

[MidnightBlue1980]

Refreshing to hear - I'm used to being labeled the psychotic ice queen BS

 

I've been waiting for you to yell at me all day.

[Lobe]

Ahurtgirl, you did nothing wrong by contacting his wife. As a BS, it's good you did - you forced a reality check - his BA deserves to know and there are too many pussy WSs who wend the A and resume with wife with the BS completely unaware of her husband's extramarital activities.

 

In the OW handbook contacting her was a mistake because it forced your MM to pick, and your gamble, while it didn't pay off, was a huge reality check for you - now you know the truth, where you really stand - at the back of the line behind spouse, kids, family, bills, housework, etc.

 

Blessing in disguise. I wish more APs would contact the BS. Clears it up for the WS so fast. So fast.

[Lobe]

I've been waiting for you to yell at me all day.

 

I'll chastise you later. Spank or tongue lash - your call love :lmao:

[imsosad]

I know you are hurting.

You are so very focused on blaming yoursel for the affair ending. It wasnt your actions,though. It was the fact that your AP never,ever meant to leave. Even if you hadnt called her and carried on the affair for another four years.

You calling his wife forced his hand and the truth came out.

Also,notice youre saying his wife lost it and assumed the worst. She was right,wasnt she? Are you basically saying you wished he lied better so your affair could go on?

If he loved you, really loved you, even you calling his W wouldnt cause him.to stop loving you. If it was so easy to stop loving someone who wronged us or made us angry, this message board would be empty. The truth is, if he was for real,this was his chance. His chance to stop the lyong and the cheating and choose you.

I feel your thinking may be distorted by your paon and agony right now,because it sounds as though you think you destructed a fairy tail.with one phone call and you sure did not.

See it for what it is. It will hurt,but get you moving on,

[cocorico]

AHG it strikes me your XMM is a control freak. From what you described in your other thread, he liked having it all - including you, and his BW - under his control. When he lost control of you - your first phone call to the BW - he attempted to regain control by "threatening" (even though this wasn't apparent to you) to set the BW on you, ie give her your number. This was designed to make you worry, fear what she may do or say, and have you beg him to intercede to prevent this happening.

 

Instead you agreed... and then took it further by calling her yourself. At that point he knew he'd lost control of you, you were a loose cannon and so he cut you off. And focused on the BW, of whom he'd also lost control because she now had information she was never meant to have. So, damage control to regain control of the BW, and you - after all, you jumped through every hoop possible trying to apologise to him - but because he now knows he can't trust (ie, control) you, you're dead to him.

 

I'm left wondering why you want him back. Do you feel you have too much control in your life - a senior job with loads of responsibility, a single parent, etc - and he's a nice antidote to that; or too little - a life galloping along dragging you with it, and he's merely a symptom?

 

4.5 years is a long time to invest in someone, especially given you had no control over your future, or your R, because you ceded it all to him. Please think twice about doing that in your next R. You have a daughter who is learning about Rs from you. Please let her learn that women are strong, in control of their own lives, bodies and Rs.

[boneheadedmove]

I reached out to her husband, though this was after the affair ended. I initially planned to write that she was still stalking me, but I decided on an apology instead.

 

His response was to threaten me and my family. I can't claim I expected anything different.

 

When I lashed out at her, informing her of what he said and demanding back the key to my place I knew she still had, she did nothing. Her response was, "I told you not to contact him."

 

I've considered contacting him again, in light of the fact that we've slept together three times since then. I feel a responsibility to let him know she continues to lie and betray him. The reason I haven't is because I've deliberated on whether this would be necessity or mere petty vengeance. As Lobe said in my thread, "not my circus, not my monkeys." But do I have a responsibility to this? What if they decide to have a kid - is it right to remain silent and allow more hurt? I feel I'll leave it be because I really don't want them occupying any more of my time.

 

I have no worldly insights regarding this, only relating to my own situation.

[loveisanaction]

I reached out to her husband, though this was after the affair ended. I initially planned to write that she was still stalking me, but I decided on an apology instead.

 

His response was to threaten me and my family. I can't claim I expected anything different.

 

When I lashed out at her, informing her of what he said and demanding back the key to my place I knew she still had, she did nothing. Her response was, "I told you not to contact him."

 

I've considered contacting him again, in light of the fact that we've slept together three times since then. I feel a responsibility to let him know she continues to lie and betray him. The reason I haven't is because I've deliberated on whether this would be necessity or mere petty vengeance. As Lobe said in my thread, "not my circus, not my monkeys." But do I have a responsibility to this? What if they decide to have a kid - is it right to remain silent and allow more hurt? I feel I'll leave it be because I really don't want them occupying any more of my time.

 

I have no worldly insights regarding this, only relating to my own situation.

 

I agree that you should leave her husband alone and not contact him again. What would you hope to gain by contacting him again anyway? You already did but then proceeded to sleep with his wife 3 more times after that.

 

I’m on another forum where 90% of the members are betrayed husbands; they range from Ivy League College Grads to successful CEOs to plumbers. All have one thing in common, in spite of the cheating of their wives they still love them like crazy. They say women love but men love harder and from reading these betrayed husband’s threads/posts I think the latter is very true. The pain I read is so raw it’s felt through the computer screen.

 

Men do not take too kindly to other men touching their wives. If you contact her husband yet again he might decide to come after you and rightfully so, you have been sleeping with his wife, enabling her to continually cheat on him. In his eyes YOU are the perpetrator.

 

Marriage is a strong bond between the people in it. Even though you shared intimate moments with your married woman you will not be able to top the bond that she shares with her husband.

 

As Lobe said, not your circus, not your monkey and I agree. This is not your fight. This is her marriage, her husband and she’s choosing to stay. It is good that you have recognized this. Now accept it, heal and work on putting all of it behind you.

[Lobe]

BHM, If you feel like you have a responsibility to her husband, it's to stop banging his wife...

 

If you initially contacted him in the hopes that it would help her/you end the affair, fair enough. Now you're just rubbing it in BH's face. You should pay attention to ahurtgirl's story to see if that affair is over or just on the back burner until it can be taken underground like yours.

 

If you really want to show respect to someone though, it should be yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, my guess is he has made me out to be the crazy person too. Just baffles me how many amazing times we had together, how many millions of times he told me how much he loved me, how he didn't see a future with his wife, but was hoping for one with me someday, and so many of the compliments he gave me. He always told me how much he loved how I was so caring and kind. But the instant he felt his wife was upset by something I did (which again, not my intention, but man, what a bad choice it was that I will forever regret and be sorry for and wish I could repair) he went running to her.

 

You have to understand that probably each of you invested in the A in different ways. The glue that binds a couple together isn't the same when having an affair. He may have truly cared about you and even loved you, but when the crap hit the fan, it wasn't enough to make him leave his wife and start a new life with you. They have family and friends entwined, possibly children. A life built. Not many just up and leave when a DDay happens.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you, it is not the OW/OM position to inform the spouse. I wasn't trying to out him, in any shape or form but he obviously doesn't see it that way and how could he. His wife basically went off the deep end thinking the worst. If he had played his cards right and stuck to that it was a friend from a support group he was in that was just checking up on him, he wouldn't even be in the situation. He dug the hole deeper on his own. Looking for anyone else who has run into a situation as such and what the outcome was for them.

 

If he had played his cards right, he'd still be lying to his wife and having an affair with you. Of course she went off the deep end, if your H had an affair behind your back, I'm sure you'd react the same way. Continuing to be dishonest and denying once a DDAY happens is insane and no good can come of it for all involved.

[gettingstronger]

I am still trying to figure out your logic in contacting his wife- you said to make sure he was OK- does that mean you had not heard from him in a while- what did you think she would think when a woman she did not know called to check on her husband?

 

Anyway, to the point of your question- I was notified ANON- to this day, I believe it was the OW and my husband is sure of it as well- there is really not much she could say to convince him otherwise-perhaps its the same for your MM- there is nothing you can say to convince him you did not have intentions of forcing his hand?

 

Yes, he was mad as hell but I think his continued disdain for her is rooted in:

1. she continued to intrude in our lives for 3 years after that

2. he was projecting his own self loathing on her

 

Not sure any of that helps answer your questions, it is just my experience-

[Ahurtgirl]

It's been a week since I caused this to all happen and I look back and think that I really have no logic as to why I did what I did. I wasn't ready to move forward with the relationship with him myself so let's say he would have ended his relationship with his wife instead of with me, I would be questioning that decision as well. I really think I literally got so worried about him, I lost my sense of rationality and then when he asked it he could give her my number if she wanted to talk to me, I decided to try and deal with it right away rather than wait to see if she calls me. It's all in the past and what is done is done.

Gettingstronger - What do you mean the OW kept intruding in your lives for three years after? Did he not immediately end the affair? Mine literally cut me out of his life that same day.

[gettingstronger]

It's been a week since I caused this to all happen and I look back and think that I really have no logic as to why I did what I did. I wasn't ready to move forward with the relationship with him myself so let's say he would have ended his relationship with his wife instead of with me, I would be questioning that decision as well. I really think I literally got so worried about him, I lost my sense of rationality and then when he asked it he could give her my number if she wanted to talk to me, I decided to try and deal with it right away rather than wait to see if she calls me. It's all in the past and what is done is done.

Gettingstronger - What do you mean the OW kept intruding in your lives for three years after? Did he not immediately end the affair? Mine literally cut me out of his life that same day.

 

 

Why were you worried- had he dropped out of contact? For how long?

 

By intruding I mean:

calling and hanging up

sending texts

mailing a pair of her undies to our house

forwarding VM's my husband had left for during the affair

sending a list of the sex acts they shared

 

Some was done anon, some linked to her number- it was surreal- we live in different states but the sheriffs in both of our towns were involved, we had an atty-it was unbelievable-

 

 

After dday, I told my husband to end it in person because it was the kindest thing to do and I wanted him to be sure he really did want to work on our marriage so he had to go see her one more time- crazy thing is-she declined saying she hates drama and then the crazy came out about a week later and continued for 3 years!

[Anne5113]

Ahurtgirl:

 

I didn't exactly contact the BW, MM got in a pinch & text me warning me she was calling me. This was actually after we had made a amicable split & not had contact for several days and it did make me a little uncomfortable. It was early on (round 1) and I was just pushing through. After a couple of hours, I got a legally threatening text from BW. She had some misinformation about what she was threatening, and I cleared it up & told her that I had no desire to have any further involvement with her husband (and truthfully at this point I was relieved to be free of his total mindf*ck). A few exchanges were made and then MM text me that if W & I wanted to argue that he wanted no part and that he was trying to enjoy the fair with his family. Later he was chasing his tale throwing me under the bus & trying to keep his confession of the truth to a minimum of what his W already knew. It didn't go as planned for him. BW & I spoke at length, and I wish that we could have continued to communicate, but she wanted me to claim to be pregnant to get over on him. I just ceased contact, because it was not healthy. 2 weeks later, he floored me when he pushed his way back into my life. I had been so hurt with some of the things he said, I needed him to make it better & at least not be so malicious when he started this affair that yes, SUCKED!!

[heartwhole]

I believe the OW outed my husband intentionally; she FaceTimed him on a weekend afternoon when we were likely together. At the time he refused to believe it wasn't an accident because he was sure she wouldn't do that to him, but their long distance bond was weakening as our marriage improved and there had more clues on social media that our marriage wasn't over recently. I think she thought that me finding out would be the catalyst to our marriage ending. Instead she got thrown under the bus and he "could give a f*ck" about her now.

 

It's not really clear what you were thinking when you called the BW and then called her a second time to reveal the affair without waiting for cues from her or guidance from the MM. It's hard for me to believe there wasn't part of you that thought it was a means to an end. If so, it's quite natural in an affair to believe that once MM is exposed, BW will kick him out in disgust and you'll be there to pick up the pieces. It just rarely happens that way. BWs usually give their husbands a chance and WHs usually scramble to hang onto the marriage. You shouldn't take this personally or second guess your actions. I always think we're better off being honest.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm watching a lot of betrayals blow up around me and the one thing they (the ones I see, not a generalization) is that the mm has no intention of leaving. In fact, the marital home was never a prison with bars at all. I know one mw who left for her mm (high school reunions are dangerous) and she dud it immediately without looking back once. People who know they want to leave don't hem and haw about it unless they are big babies waiting for someone else to make the decision.

 

My wh said cheating was like eating junk food every day. It satisfied the pangs for a bit, but there was no way to continue living like that healthily. It was slowly poisoning him.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Clarity

[BluesPower]

HurtGirl - so sorry that you are hurting.

 

I am guessing that you are young and single. I am a (BS/WS) guy so please try to listen.

 

Your xMM did not love you, OK. When he told you he did, he was lying. If you are single and you realize all this up front and you want to get laid, I guess that is OK. Guys, do this all the time. I have done it, I did not lie to my women but I knew they loved me and I let it continue. I was a POS and so is your MM.

 

He wanted to screw you, and that is it. I realize that this is hard to believe, but I promise it is the truth.

 

You really just need to move on with your life. If you are single, then find a single guy and start a real relationship with a guy that you can fall in love with. By definition, a MM is not someone to start a relationship with.

 

Take time to heal and move on. You will be so much better for it.

[BTDT2012]

BS here, AP many, many years ago.

He never intended to leave his wife for you. When you contacted her, you were no longer a convenience to him. His marriage has more value to him than you do. I think, consciously or not, you contacted his wife so that she would know you were a 'close' friend. His wife demanded that he cease all contact with you. I hope that you will have enough respect for yourself to shut him down if he comes sniffing back round.

[Ahurtgirl]

I keep rolling how things went down that night and next day and I was not wanting things to change and did not do it so that wife would know about me. I am befuddled with myself and there was nothing vengeful or despiteful intentions. I know my emotions were on high as I was worried about him and it just spiraled out of control with how he reacted to me having contacted her and I made the wrong judgement call on trying to prevent more damage and made it worse with the second call. I think everyone is correct, that if he would have wanted to be with me, he already would have, but I don't think I was feeling ready to make that move either, so I know I did not do it to force his hand or to be hurtful to him in anyway. I made a huge mistake and will regret it forever. I think his wife is very lucky. She has an amazing man that now will be dedicated to her because of how this all went down as he has me to hate and she will now be perfect in his eyes. That is how he was. If someone upset him, he would give someone else attention instead. Just how his mind worked I guess.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think his wife is very lucky. She has an amazing man that now will be dedicated to her because of how this all went down as he has me to hate and she will now be perfect in his eyes. .

 

I am in the same situation about the xMM kissing the BS's butt but no, these are not amazing men. You will see that later.