BF got cold feet! Guys, please help! :(

[RecordProducer]

We met on a dating site. He flew from the US to Europe just to meet me in September last year. He has visited me 4 times so far. We had some fantastic time together and the sex is perrrrrfect. He is 48, I am 30. He's had two short marriages, no kids, I've had one marriage and two kids (7-year old twin boys).

 

He started talking about us being together forever from the very beginning. He'd say stuff like "we'll celebrate the holidays in our house" or "the kids will go to school in the same bus with my nephew," he'd call my sons "my boys" and many other innuendoes in that manner. He would tell me every day a million times how much he loves me, that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, etc.

 

Encouraged by all that, I started pressuring him about marriage. He seemed unsure, although he was saying all those stuff. He's had very bad experiences with his previous wives and doesn't want to make another mistake and divorce again. So finally I give up and tell him we don't have to marry this time, let's go on a vacation. But he says we need to get married.

 

He brings all the documents (tortured his mom to get his birth c. with some weird stamps in another country), he talks to my ex-husband twice about letting the kids move. We even went to the US embassy to get some paper, but he didn't have another paper so we scheduled it for another day. He made me submit a request at the center of social worker to sign the approval for the kids cuz their father doesn't want to let them go. So basically my whole life turns upside down because of his decision.

 

By the way, the kids love him and it seems that he loves them too (he says he does, he said he loves the fact I have twins, he is also a twin).

 

Anyhow, I read two of his emails where he writes to his friends that he is in Europe and will be back by the end of the month. I go crazy that he didn't tell them about us getting married. Plus he's been here for 4 days and didn't propose to me. He says those friends are unimportant, he's told his family, but I accused him of not planning on marrying me. He said he did plan it, but felt forced. We fought that night, he went to the hotel, I told him we shouldn't go to the embassy the next morning... I was stupid, I could've been married now, but I don't want him to be unsure about such an important decision.

 

So he told me he needs to think about it and will give me an answer in a month (July 28th is the deadline). He said that next time we should either get married or break up. He said so many times "I know you don't believe me in these circumstances, but I really do love you." I told him this may be our last time together and he said "I don't see it as our last time... it depends on you!" and he told my kids that he will see them soon. Then my mom said "some day" and he corrected her:"No! Soon!"

 

I know many of you will think that it's too soon to get married, but the thing is we both think it's not, we both are in love with each other, and want to be married. I know he's a bit afraid to give up his space and freedom. He admitted that it might be the case. He thinks I am wonderful and when I told him that he would find a great woman after me, he said he has already found her. Basically he didn't have an answer to what happened here, but when I asked him if there's another woman he met, he said there was nothing like that and he's not interested in dating other women.

 

He is wealthy, but I told him that I would sign whatever prenup he types without even reading it. For those of you who think that he might think I am after the green card, I will mention that I have an ex-BF from the US who has been begging me to marry him since November last year so if that was the case, I would've been in the US long time ago and my BF knows that (has seen his emails and everything). Forget the idea of me moving there to live with him for a while, it's impossible (if you want to know why I'll tell you later).

 

He is back home now, stayed here for 12 days the last time. We talked for hours every day in the last 10 months (webcam, voice, chat).

 

So the questions for you guys are: is it possible that he is so in love with me and yet got cold feet? What are the chances that he will change his mind by July 28th? Is he scared of the change or is it me? (we fought about 10 times so far, mostly because of my jealousy and the M thing)

 

What should I do? Talk to him and be sweet online or avoid him in order to show him what his life without me would be like?

 

By the way, he said many times that I might give my ex-BF a second chance and I finally told him that I would, because he chases after me and really loves me and is sure he wants to be with me (but only if my BF breaks up with me).

 

Thanks in advance for your time and sorry this is so long. Please help!

[Cwazydude]

I think you should meet in him the middle ground. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you would like to get married but you don't have to if he is really uncomfortable with spending the rest of his life with you.

 

(That's guilt right there )

 

 

Tell him that he's the best thing that ever happened to you, ect, and you would like nothing more then to be Man and Wife.

 

 

I'm sure he'll go soft on you and change his mind by the 28th, I think he's just getting cold feet because of his previous trouble with his marriage's.

 

It's not you, It's his past. It's not your fault.

 

Anyway, I'm sure everything will work out, Just be extra nice to him and he'll change his mind.

[RecordProducer]

Hm... meek-and-sweet-woman strategy, huh?

I guess I can always give him a hard time by no-contact strategy if he is still unsure after July 28th.

Cwazydude, you're a romantic writer, probably some water zodiac sign too?

[d'Arthez]

There is little you can do. What ever causes his hesitation, he must overcome it himself.

 

Whether he is getting cold feet, or is afraid of all the implications of the marriage does not matter much. These are both financial (after all he has to pay a bit for your career), as emotional. He may have been married before, but now he is about to get married with kids. That changes things even more drastically than he has ever experienced first hand.

 

Unlike the fantasy-life you had with him before (flying over to meet a person is a bit of a fantasy life) you are skipping living together. So the both of you might find out that things are different from what you have experienced before. Another thing adding to the whole hesitation.

 

As for what to do? That depends a lot on the man he is. I would say back off a bit. It is only 3.5 more weeks.

[Cwazydude]

Hehe, I'm only romantic right now because i'm in love hehehehe.

 

My girlfriend is a water Zodiac sign, She is a Pisces.

 

 

But actually, Im a scorpio, Go figure. Sun sign =)

[shygurl]

Doesn't sound like you 2 have spent nearly enough time together, "in person" to know each the way you need to know someone is the person to marry. It's always very easy to "get along good" when your main form of communication is by email, chat and webcam - but that's not really "real life" and even when he comes to visit you, it's not really real life either, it's likely more like a vacation?

 

He's got a bad track record with marriage, he's had "two short marriages" and he's nearly 50 yrs old. If only 2 short marriages by age 50, that's many years of being single. That would be a red flag to me.

 

Have you ever been to the U.S. to his home?? I didn't get that from your post. How do you know how he lives? How do you even know for sure he doesn't have a girlfriend (or many) back home? You met him online through a dating site - sorry to be skeptical but given his relationship history and the distance between you both, how do you know what he's up to when he's so far away?

 

Good sex and having fun times, great things..... but it will take more than these to make this work.

 

The fact that you admit he spoke of a future together, 'very early on' is a red flag to me. It's been my experience that any man who starts talking this way from early on is usually bad news. Talking about a future together with someone is serious stuff..........and you can't know if a new person in your life is someone who'd make a longterm partner with when you barely know them.

 

How does he really even feel about uprooting himself and living there in Europe?

 

If a man truly loves you enough to want to settle down and make a serious life with you, by way of marriage, why on earth wouldn't he propose and give you an engagement ring? The fact that he didn't is another Red Flag.

 

I also think it's disconcerting that he didn't tell his friends in his email that he was going to be marrying you. If they're enough of friends for him to be emailing them, they should be enough of friends that he'd be so excited to tell them he's marrying you. When someone is getting married, they're on top of the world and can't wait to share the news with everyone.

 

You have to think of your children here, too..........it will be very hard for them if he doesn't follow through on his promise and then you break up. Kids need stability......plus a good male role model who will keep his word.

 

How do you even know for sure he's as wealthy as he claims to be? Do you know all that much about his background? It seems odd he would go through the motions of trying to get the paperwork necessary for marrying but not follow through with it.

 

Could it be that he's not actually divorced from a previous (or current) wife and now he's stuck because how can he marry you if he's really still married?

 

Seems like a lot of questions here.

 

And why the date of July 28th? That's an odd date..........why did he pick that one? Did you ask him?

 

And do you have any idea why his past 2 marriages (assuming he's not still married) failed? Of course you'll have only heard "his side" of the story - wonder what the real story is? Did he resolve whatever issues lead the demise of his previous marriages or will his with you end up being divorce #3?

[RecordProducer]

Right..

Well the first 5 days after he got back, we chatted online and were sweet to each other. Then yesterday I was kinda cold and today he hasn't talked to me at all. No phone call, no internet contact. Maybe he wants to see how he would feel without me in his life. Wishful thinking?

I am suffering so much. I am counting the days and the hours (literally, not joking) 'till July 28th. I go through hell and back 100 times a day in my head. I am stressed, in a bad mood, losing weight, and my mom and two other people told me "if he loved you so much, he would've married you." I am totally down. I log on and off yahoo like every 5 minutes.

 

Backing off is also doing something... I just want to know what I should (not) do. Well anyway now that he avoids me for the whole day, I will start avoiding him too.

 

Thanks for your replies, d'Arthez and Cwazy... BTW, Scoprio is a water sign, you silly!

[Cwazydude]

Originally posted by shygurl

Doesn't sound like you 2 have spent nearly enough time together, "in person" to know each the way you need to know someone is the person to marry. It's always very easy to "get along good" when your main form of communication is by email, chat and webcam - but that's not really "real life" and even when he comes to visit you, it's not really real life either, it's likely more like a vacation?

 

He's got a bad track record with marriage, he's had "two short marriages" and he's nearly 50 yrs old. If only 2 short marriages by age 50, that's many years of being single. That would be a red flag to me.

 

Have you ever been to the U.S. to his home?? I didn't get that from your post. How do you know how he lives? How do you even know for sure he doesn't have a girlfriend (or many) back home? You met him online through a dating site - sorry to be skeptical but given his relationship history and the distance between you both, how do you know what he's up to when he's so far away?

 

Good sex and having fun times, great things..... but it will take more than these to make this work.

 

The fact that you admit he spoke of a future together, 'very early on' is a red flag to me. It's been my experience that any man who starts talking this way from early on is usually bad news. Talking about a future together with someone is serious stuff..........and you can't know if a new person in your life is someone who'd make a longterm partner with when you barely know them.

 

How does he really even feel about uprooting himself and living there in Europe?

 

If a man truly loves you enough to want to settle down and make a serious life with you, by way of marriage, why on earth wouldn't he propose and give you an engagement ring? The fact that he didn't is another Red Flag.

 

I also think it's disconcerting that he didn't tell his friends in his email that he was going to be marrying you. If they're enough of friends for him to be emailing them, they should be enough of friends that he'd be so excited to tell them he's marrying you. When someone is getting married, they're on top of the world and can't wait to share the news with everyone.

 

You have to think of your children here, too..........it will be very hard for them if he doesn't follow through on his promise and then you break up. Kids need stability......plus a good male role model who will keep his word.

 

How do you even know for sure he's as wealthy as he claims to be? Do you know all that much about his background? It seems odd he would go through the motions of trying to get the paperwork necessary for marrying but not follow through with it.

 

Could it be that he's not actually divorced from a previous (or current) wife and now he's stuck because how can he marry you if he's really still married?

 

Seems like a lot of questions here.

 

And why the date of July 28th? That's an odd date..........why did he pick that one? Did you ask him?

 

And do you have any idea why his past 2 marriages (assuming he's not still married) failed? Of course you'll have only heard "his side" of the story - wonder what the real story is? Did he resolve whatever issues lead the demise of his previous marriages or will his with you end up being divorce #3?

 

 

 

You seem very, very untrusting of him. Why so? Perhaps he is telling the truth. I agree that perhaps she should look more in depth in his background, But don't throw out wild accusations.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Cwazydude

You seem very, very untrusting of him. Why so? Perhaps he is telling the truth. I agree that perhaps she should look more in depth in his background, But don't throw out wild accusations.

 

Oh come on, I'm not accusing him of anything - I'm just asking if she's considered some of these possibilities. It's extremely odd that he'd go through the motions of getting the paperwork necessary to marry her, then back out, then tell her he has to take some time to decide and he gives her a deadline of July 28th.....he doesn't tell his friends anything, he doesn't even propose to her, yet he's been talking all "serious" from the very start. He's damn near 50 yrs old, has had 2 short marriages. There's a sh*tload of red flags here and things to consider if she hasn't considered them - people often aren't very objective when they're all in love. There's also tons of men out there who seek out women who live in other countries - and tell them tall tales, while in fact they have a wife back at home, or at least a few other women they're seeing and they don't WANT to make a commitment. Cwazydude, perhaps you're young and don't have much relationship experience - or the ability to see obvious red flags here.

[d'Arthez]

I agree that the points that were raised by shygurl should definitely be considered. It does not mean that they are necessarily true. But that is for RecordProducer to examine herself - if she considers that.

[moimeme]

RP, did you read what shygurl wrote? I completely agree with her.

 

First and foremost, you absolutely do not know enough about this guy to have decided to marry him and to have your kids live with him.

 

He has visited me 4 times so far. We had some fantastic time together and the sex is perrrrrfect.

 

This isn't close to a solid foundation for a relationship. You need to spend continuous time with him over the course of several months.

 

Encouraged by all that, I started pressuring him about marriage.

 

That was also a mistake. IMHO, you've been far, FAR too hasty.

 

I go crazy that he didn't tell them about us getting married. Plus he's been here for 4 days and didn't propose to me. He says those friends are unimportant, he's told his family, but I accused him of not planning on marrying me. He said he did plan it, but felt forced.

 

You are being too pushy, and again, far too soon.

 

By the way, the kids love him and it seems that he loves them too (he says he does, he said he loves the fact I have twins, he is also a twin).

 

People say all sorts of things. They have not been together enough to make that determination. It's easy as anything to 'love' someone you don't spend a lot of time with (and I mean 24/7 for months at a time).

 

How do you even know for sure he's as wealthy as he claims to be? Do you know all that much about his background?

 

Exactly. You appear to be very gullible. You are taking this man at his word and planning to change your whole life around him on the strength of four visits and an LDR. You should at least have gone to his home town and met his friends, colleagues, and family.

 

I think you should stop worrying about whether he'll marry you and spend more time getting to know him.

For those of you who think that he might think I am after the green card, I will mention that I have an ex-BF from the US who has been begging me to marry him since November last year so if that was the case, I would've been in the US long time ago

 

Sorry but I'm still skeptical - after all, he is, as you have mentioned every time, wealthy.

[RecordProducer]

Shygirl, you have some very good points in your reply. Thanks. I will look at those red flags retrospectively as a consolation that it wasn't meant to be if we eventually break up. Right now I don't have the strength to face the red flags.

 

In any case, he spends most of his time with me online so it would be almost impossible for him to cheat on me unless he goes out, has quick sex, and comes back home to talk to me. I've seen his divorce paper from January 2003. and I don't think he married again and now talks to me every night and day.

 

His money is completely not important to me, I stated that as a negative fact that he might think I am after his money, but he is not very wealthy or rich. I know he and his brother own two companies. He said his ex-wife used him. According to him, she was a low class unemployed lush that partied all the time while his first wife was a manic-depressive heavy pot addict.

 

I know he's been single most of his life, but he claims he wants to be married. His identical twin brother is married for the second time, has a child with his 2nd wife (also one with his 1st) and even adopted his 2nd wife's daughter. So they do have a history of being liberal about other women's kids in the family. They have the same genes, right? And he says they are very happy together.

 

July 28th was chosen as a date because he said he wants a month to think it over and I asked what date that would be. July 28th was a month after June 28th.

 

I don't know what to do before July 28th and what I should do if he tells me on that date that he is still unsure. But one thing at a time... now I don't know how to deal with the limbo.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by moimeme

Sorry but I'm still skeptical - after all, he is, as you have mentioned every time, wealthy.

 

Right. That probably gives him a headache too. My motives. I wish he never told me anything about his business success, I would've still been with him cuz I don't care about it. He actually told me he owned the companies when we already decided to meet in person and after we met he said he had a Mercedes.

 

However I don't really know how much he makes nor do I ask him. My ex-BF makes $6,000 a month, he told me that so I could've and still can grab the bird I have in my hands if I had any unromantic motives. Do you think it's obvious to him? Or not?

 

It's not my intention to convince you of anything, but I want to know what you would think if you were in his shoes.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Right. That probably gives him a headache too. My motives. I wish he never told me anything about his business success, I would've still been with him cuz I don't care about it. He actually told me he owned the companies when we already decided to meet in person and after we met he said he had a Mercedes.

However I don't really know how much he makes nor do I ask him. My ex-BF makes $6,000 a month, he told me that so I could've and still can grab the bird I have in my hands if I had any unromantic motives. Do you think it's obvious to him? Or not?

It's not my intention to convince you of anything, but I want to know what you would think if you were in his shoes.

 

RP, you claim you have no interest in his money and I have no reason NOT to believe you but the guy might own 2 lemonade stands and drive a bicycle. The point is, unless yo'uve been to the U.S. and spent time in his home, to really get to know him - his friends, his family, his colleagues, his neighbors, etc........he could be handing you a large steaming pile of crap. If he's so successful and great, why wouldn't he find someone who lives locally? I mean, most people who use the online personals prefer to find someone who lives locally - it just makes more sense.............geographically closer so you can really get to know one another, spend time together, do things together................sorry but I'm always a little leary of men who meet a woman this way, and she's off on another continent.

 

Has he never invited you to his home in the U.S.? If not, why not? Haven't you been curious to see how he lives? I'm not talking "fancy house" but I mean.....is he a slob? is he a neat freak? does he take pride in his home? does he know how to take care of himself? does he have roommates? You can tell so much about someone by spending time in their home.

[RecordProducer]

It's a problem to get a visitor's visa, but that's irrelevant for this post. Even if he would own two lemonade stands that wouldn't matter to me.

 

But I have seen his web sites, his name on show trade announcements and various links to his company worldwide. Of course there are pictures of him online as well. And yes, I have seen his passport too.

 

He is not married and he is who he says he is. I've seen his home on web cam, I know he is neat about his clothes and hygiene, I know he has a two-bedroom house and he wants to build a bigger one (not that I care about the house, but you asked). he lives on his own and his twin brother is his first neighbor.

 

He has spent a lot of time with my kids. He doesn't need to (nor would I allow that) live with them and then decide whether to marry me or not. Then it would be as same as if we got married and divorced after a few months. It makes no sense to try and live for 6 months with or without the paper. In both cases it would be like marriage. We live in different countries and we can't see each other every day. So we need to marry or break up. There is no option number 3 that wouldn't be almost as same as one of the two options.

 

Why he hasn't found anyone locally... why do you assume that anyone who makes good money should easily find someone to fall in love with? He is not rich or anything. He told me he hadn't met anyone interesting since he broke up with his ex-wife, except me, of course.

 

He visited me 4 times despite of his hectic work schedule. Does that really sound so unserious and irrelevant? Did he travel so far and spent thousands of dollars just to get laid?

[moimeme]

If he's so successful and great, why wouldn't he find someone who lives locally? I mean, most people who use the online personals prefer to find someone who lives locally - it just makes more sense.............geographically closer so you can really get to know one another, spend time together, do things together................sorry but I'm always a little leary of men who meet a woman this way, and she's off on another continent.

 

Well, I don't necessarily agree with this. The Internet has shrunk the world. It can be difficult to find people with whom one is compatible. In this day and age of airplances and telephones, it's no biggie to get acquainted with someone that you might have further romantic interest in. But at some point, someone has to move where someone else lives so they can get to know each other well face-to-face BEFORE they decide to marry.

 

Is it a risk? Yeah but so what? Lots of things are risks and at the very worst, you get to experience a new place to live and work. As long as you do it wisely, it's not a bad idea.

 

Has he never invited you to his home in the U.S.? If not, why not? Haven't you been curious to see how he lives? I'm not talking "fancy house" but I mean.....is he a slob? is he a neat freak? does he take pride in his home? does he know how to take care of himself? does he have roommates? You can tell so much about someone by spending time in their home.

 

These are very important points. If he's on the Internet with you 'all the time', how on earth does he run two companies?

[VirginiaBob]

Hmmmmm. Let's see, where to start after reading all this.

 

Let's see, I'm not too concerned about the length of the relationship factor part of this, as other are. I know people that dated for 10 years before marriage and were seperated/divorced 6 months later. And I also know people that dated for 2 weeks before marriage that have stayed married for 50 years. This part is pretty much a crapshoot and the length of the pre-marriage relationship does not matter so much.

 

The long distance part though is what concerns me. People have to be very very very sensitive to things like trust and honesty in an LDR - much more than in a conventional relationship. One minor slip of words could cause one to think thier significant other is cheating in an LDR, so you have to be very careful what you say. Now from what you wrote, he doesn't see to be being very careful in this respect and at the same time, your mentioning of you ex-bf (getting back together) etc. probably doesn't sit too well with him (if he is serious anyways).

 

I'm guessing the reason you can't move to the US has to do with the kids? (your statement: "Forget the idea of me moving there to live with him for a while, it's impossible (if you want to know why I'll tell you later)."). From what you wrote, this is where it all seems to fall apart. I'm guessing he wants you to live in the USA with him, but the kids situation stopped that, and he backed off ever since then because he wants to stay in the USA. Correct me if I'm completely guessing wrong on all of that.

[RecordProducer]

First of all, thanks everyone for your input.

 

Bob, the reasons are the visa issue and the kids (you can read my previous post). He didn't back off because of that, but indeed my ex-husband said he wouldn't let the kids move with me so it disturbed us greatly. The US embassy requires that the father of the kids signs an approval that the kids can move to the US. But if he refuses to do so, they accept an approval from the center of social work that is in charge. I talked to the social worker and she was on my side so I think they would sign it if we get married. I told him that.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention that he even bought wedding rings for us.

 

My main question is how to behave and what to do before and after July 28th. I don't have doubts about the basic stuff. I wonder what this whole thing means in terms of his feelings.

 

Should I back off or show him how much I care about him?

[VirginiaBob]

I think just be as pleasant as possible and only converse when he initiates.

[RecordProducer]

So I shouldn't even be logged in Yahoo? I I was actually thinking about calling him on the phone. It's been a whole day and he went to fly today (as he does every weekend). So don't you think I should at least check that he is okay? It's ~7 pm where he is.

(And no, he doesn't own an airplane, he rents them!)

[VirginiaBob]

I see no problem with staying logged on yahoo IM.

[RecordProducer]

What about calling him on the phone at 9 pm his time?

[VirginiaBob]

No, let him call. Don't forget he'll probably be unpacking and might be sleepy after the flight and you might seem like you are bothering him. Let him initiate that one and don't get worried if he doesn't. Let him sleep first for a day. Jet-lag sucks.

[RecordProducer]

No, no... He rents an airplane and flies from PA to NY or NJ just for fun, stays there for a couple of hours and flies back. Nothing like a jet lag. He does it as a hobby. Flying is his passion.

His friend recently died in an airplane accident. I am actually worried, but I also know he is fine cuz god forbid, his brother would call me...

 

So I shouldn't call him, huh!

 

Do you think waving with the ex-BF's proposal in front of his face encourages him or discourages him to propose to me? I told him that is he would leave me, I would be so devastated I couldn't bear suffering for 2-3 years like I did when my ex-husband left me so I would want someone who loves me to console me right away. I told him I had no feelings but friendly ones for the ex-BF but he thought I might have some romantic feelings left for him.

[VirginiaBob]

"Do you think waving with the ex-BF's proposal in front of his face encourages him or discourages him to propose to me? I told him that is he would leave me I would be so devastated I couldn't bear suffering for 2-3 years like I did cuz of my ex-husband so I would want someone who loves me to console me right away."

 

yipes. bad bad bad bad bad.

 

Don't do it.

 

I'm thinking that this ex-BF has hurt your relationship more than you know. The last thing a guy wants to hear is that if he doesn't marry you, you have another one lined up. I'd never ever propose to a woman who would consider marrying another person. I'd want her to truly believe I am the only one for them and nobody else is even a possiblilty. And you don't go and get married for consolation. Pray he doesn't read your post here.