BF got cold feet! Guys, please help! :(

[shygurl]

Originally posted by moimeme

Well, I don't necessarily agree with this. The Internet has shrunk the world. It can be difficult to find people with whom one is compatible. In this day and age of airplances and telephones, it's no biggie to get acquainted with someone that you might have further romantic interest in. But at some point, someone has to move where someone else lives so they can get to know each other well face-to-face BEFORE they decide to marry. Is it a risk? Yeah but so what? Lots of things are risks and at the very worst, you get to experience a new place to live and work. As long as you do it wisely, it's not a bad idea.

 

True, I definitely see what you're saying - I guess maybe I'm somewhat biased by my own experiences and the experiences of friends? There are men who look ONLY for women who live across the country or off in another country because that way they have all the "fun" they want back at home and she'll never be the wiser. Some also particularly look for women with children because they don't have to worry so much about their girlfriend making an unexpected visit to see him - because she's got children and it's a lot more complex for a woman to "take off" when she's got children, particularly young ones.

 

I know of a guy who was sweet and charming, the proverbial "guy next door meets Mr Nice Guy" who specifically sought on women on the internet personals who were younger with young children - and he had 3 of them on the line at once, promising all of them that he wanted to make them "his wife" - and these women didn't know about the others......and all were making plans to leave their country, their job, their home and relocate along with their children - to be with him. He was a cyber-predator....but of course I'm not saying this guy is even close. I

 

I do find it a bit disconcerting that she was wanting to uproot her children from their home and father, and move to the U.S. That would be awfully hard on the children to take them away from their father, I would think.

 

I, too, wondered how this guy can spend so much time online if he's so busy and running 2 companies?

 

RP: when I suggested his 2 companies could really be lemonade stands, I wasn't saying maybe he's not wealthy - what I really meant was, he could be telling you stories and if he's lying about his wealth, what else could he be lying about?

 

I guess I have a hard time understanding why a woman would be wanting to marry someone yet be satisfied to not ever see his home, his lifestyle, how he lives, confirm he's not living with someone, etc. It just seems too risky.

 

Oh well, wish you the best.

[RecordProducer]

I already said that I cannot visit him due to visa issues so it's nobody's choice. He doesn't spend ALL the time with me on the net, but evenings and free parts of the working hours. He does have free time in the evening. Plus if every time he goes out I wonder if he's screwing another woman, I should die right away. Even when you date someone locally or live with a man, you don't spend 24/7 with him.

 

As to his businesses, I have no doubts that he runs them and don't see why that is being discussed at all. I don't get these assumptions that he might lie to me that he owns businesses. Obviously I have seen his web sites. How come the contact info is the same one he emails me from and the founder of the business has the same name as the one on his passport? Next thing you will tell me he might have herpes!

 

I doubt that he spent the last $10-15,000 from his account just to visit me and get laid and feed me with all kinds of lies. He is not a liar or a cheater. I just don't know if he is going to marry me or not. I don't know what to hope for and how to act accordingly.

 

As to the guy you wrote about, he never met those women. My guy visited me 4 times. Would he get so close to my kids just to play with our lives? He is not a monster! This is not about whether he is a total A-hole or a prince, more like whether he loves me enough to take the chance or is scared to move to the next level.

[Tony]

Deadlines aren't very romantic. I don't think somebody who really loves you deeply would require until July 28 to determine what he wants to do. My feeling is that he is very poor in the communications department and there are some issues, reservations, concerns, etc. that are in his mind that he isn't telling you about.

 

My advice is to be totally patient, no matter how difficult that may be, and make no more demands upon him as to time factors or whatever. Don't call him or send him email except in response to contact he makes. Relax and take some time to enjoy yourself. Don't let this be a stressful time.

 

Nobody likes to feel pressure. You made a big mistake pressuring him towards marriage. No matter what he may have said to you and no matter how much a man loves a woman, he doesn't want to feel he must make things happen in a certain amount of time. It's really tragic that he doesn't live close to you so that the two of you can spend lots more time getting to know each other...but we'll have to deal with what we have here.

 

There is simply nothing you can do but sit back and wait for him to process his feelings. I think this is only a case of stress. Most successful businessmen, especially ones in his age category, are especially pragmatic in their decision making. They weigh many factors. They carefully analyze. They are very practical in their outlook. He apparently is now in touch with both his head and his dick and he's trying to weigh all factors without outside interference. Let him take his time to do this. The less you interfere, the more likely he is to decide to move forward and marry you. The more you pressure him, contact him, try to influence him in any way, the more stress you will create for him and he doesn't want that. He wants to know you will be a supportive wife who will be there for him and his business in a positive way and create a healthy, stress-free environment for him to work in.

 

Hang in there and let time work for you. Stop worrying. Let everything sit on its own and wait for him to make the next move. That's the only chance you have of helping this work out for you.

[RecordProducer]

I guess this was what I wanted to hear.

Thanks, Tony, Bob, Moi, Cwazy, Shygurl, and d'Arthez for your inputs, I really appreciate it.

I decided to be sweet and nice and patiently wait for my happiness in love.

I'll keep you guys informed if any changes occur.

[Mz. Pixie]

RP-

 

Sorry you're going through this. I hope the outcome is what will make you happy. Keep us updated.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

RP-

 

Sorry you're going through this. I hope the outcome is what will make you happy. Keep us updated.

 

Thank you for your good wishes, Mz. Pixie.

[Rosalind]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

He visited me 4 times despite of his hectic work schedule. Does that really sound so unserious and irrelevant? Did he travel so far and spent thousands of dollars just to get laid?

 

I believe he's very much in love with you, AND wants to marry you.

 

It's not just words on IM or email - look at his action, look what's he's done...it PROVES he's serious.

 

My best to you

 

P.S. I was in a LDR for a year & 1/2...I've been in your shoes

[Woggle]

He actually sounds like decent guy. He is just cautious about being married which he is smart for being after 2 marriages. Instead of trying to pressure him why not remind him through your actions why he should marry you.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

 

If you owned two companies engaged in electronic machine production and sales, would you leave them and move to another country just to be with your GF? Actually if he would do anything like that I would consider him crazy.

 

And I agree with you on that. I'm meaning that you two should spend more time together--even if he does have to compromise and commute and handle his businesses long distance--if you two did make plans to marry. Unless you could accept being married to a man living in another country most of the time, or you're willing to be in a LDR until he retires and has more time to be with you. I'm not wanting to be nasty at all.

 

I don't blame him for being cautious after being married twice, I just wondered if he's ever said what caused both marriages to end so quickly. I'm just wishing you the best in your relationship for now.

[d'Arthez]

It seems that he picked not the greatest women to be married to - but picking such women might also be a warning sign in itself.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

RR, thanks for your reply.

 

My pleasure, RP.

 

 

I decided to wait for him to process his feelings, because I love him and believe that he loves me and that he's worth waiting for. If I am wrong I will know sooner or later.

 

Well anyway I decided to wait for him and not pressure him.

 

I think this is way the best strategy. And I think you're right that taking his time means he's being serious about you.

 

 

I hope I'll be his wife some day.

 

I really hope so too. Good luck! And keep us updated.

[HokeyReligions]

Hi RP!

 

Its so hard to trust nowadays with so many horror stories about relationships and heartbreak -- but then again, I would rather be heart broken than never feel at all.

 

I knew right away when I met my husband, but we dated for a couple of years to make sure that the surprises we knew would come, wouldn't be traumatic and that we had a solid base from which to handle the problems and crisis which are inevitable.

 

I know you said you can't come to the US because of Visa's -- but is it your Visa or your kids? Could you take a month off and stay in a Corporate Suite or something near him where you can look at schools and research how living in the US might affect you and the kids, and during that time you can date and get to know him better. Would your ex or your family take care of your kids for a month? (can you leave them for a month! )

 

It is difficult to be patient when one is in love, but patience is required. If he's the one, he's worth waiting for.

 

I once had a carrot dangling in front of me. I had a couple of choices on who to have a relationship with. I felt like I had to choose one of them. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to make the wrong choice. What I forgot was a hidden choice -- I could choose neither and realize that it didn't mean I would have to be alone forever; or that either of my choices would be gone for good if I didn't make a choice within a certain time-frame. I felt like I would be passing up an opportunity and I didn't want to do that and be full of regret. Turns out I chose neither and I have never regretted it. I think of how I would have felt in their place. Suppose some man were saying "marry me by this date or I'll leave you for Jane who is waiting for me" I would not feel very special. In fact I've been dumped before because I chose not to have sex with someone and they had a willing partner lined up in my place.

 

Your guy might be second-guessing and hesitant because he doesn't feel worth waiting for or special. I wouldn't say to play no contact game, but to be open and honest in your communication and to take a step back and catch your breath. Tell him you love him and that you hope to marry someday, but that you also realize that marriage is more than this initial passion and that you know the smart thing to do is to slow down a bit and get to know each other better. No pressure on either of you. Set a date to discuss marriage again in all seriousness in a year. That will also give you time to plan a trip (if possible) for just you to come to the US; and maybe even bring the kids on a vacation to the US another time so they can see what its like and what to expect.

 

If he has cold feet, sticking them immediately on hot coals is going to burn. Instead they need to be warmed up gradually!

 

Sit back and enjoy being in love.

[RecordProducer]

Hokey, thank you very much for your advice; Rosalind, Morigan, and Woogle for your support.

I guess it's hard to consider the hidden choice when I am in love and want to be with him and nobody else. I feel like I met the right person for me and if I would look for someone else he'd be exactly like him (and not like my ex-BFs or anyone else).

I guess I could get a temp work visa for the US and stay there up to 6 months, but the kids are a huge problem in that case. My ex-husband doesn't want to let them move to the Us and he might use it in the center of social work to present me as a neglecting and selfish mother (he'd say 'she left them with me for a month'). My mom is sick (high blood pressure) and she can't take care of them if I am not there.

[moimeme]

Regarding the speedy declaration of love, he said he loved me after about two months so how long should he have waited to say 'I love you'?

 

A lot longer than that.

 

VirginiaBob met a foreign girl and married her right away. What we're doing doesn't always necessarily match what we consider doing the "right things."

 

So? People marry in haste all the time. And then divorce in regret. That someone rushes to the altar means nothing other than they rushed to the altar.

 

Yes RP told about that in the thread. It seems that he picked not the greatest women to be married to - but picking such women might also be a warning sign in itself.

 

Well now really what is he going to say? That his ex-wives were wonderful, warm women and that they fled because of his alcoholism/abuse/gambling/whatever??????

 

You people seem to be making the mistake of thinking that because a person says something, it's true about him. It may be or it may not be. That's why you need to spend time together - to determine whether the person lives up to what he says about himself.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by moimeme

Well now really what is he going to say? That his ex-wives were wonderful, warm women and that they fled because of his alcoholism/abuse/gambling/whatever??????

 

You people seem to be making the mistake of thinking that because a person says something, it's true about him. It may be or it may not be.

 

This is ridiculous. First of all, I don't care why he split with his ex-wives. Secondly I choose to trust him just like he trusts me. But most of all, his previous marriages are completely irrelevant to this problem. I love him for who he is and am willing to deal with his imperfections. Thank god he has them, cuz I have them too.

 

I am annoyed by the comments that have nothing to do with the questions I posed. Some of you started judging his veracity and developed it into analyzing his personality. His relationships with his ex-wives have nothing to do with whether he loves me or not.

 

In your vivid imagination, he beat his wives, they dumped him; he lies about everything; flies all the way here to screw me and play with my kids; gathers all the documentation for the wedding and the embassy just to cover his fake promises (made with the purpose to get laid); spends a lot of money that were mysteriously earned (probably illegally!) then goes back home, chats with me online every night, but still has the time and energy to have many GFs. Do you really think it makes sense?!?!?!

 

Moi, I hope you don't work in a wedding-dress-and-accessory shop. I can easily imagine a situation like:

 

Bride-to-be: "Hello, I want to buy a dress like I saw on my cousin's wedding last year in Toronto. That's where I met my fiance... "

 

Miomeme: "You met your finace last year?!? And he is in Tornoto and you're in Vancouver?!?!?! One year of LDR and you're getting married?!?!?! Gosh, girl, it's too soon and too dangerous!"

 

[moimeme]

You are on an advice site. You are asking why your bf may be backing out of this marriage. People who have seen disasters happen in these kinds of relationships or who have had their own are trying to caution you that you may be making an unwise choice which is peripheral to why he may be backing out. Plainly put, he may have been playing you all along. He may be a liar. You just don't know and that's why these questions are in fact relevant to the question you asked. However, like too many starry-eyed females, you are unwilling to entertain the possibility that you may be making a mistake. So be it. I wish you good luck but frankly I've never had a good vibe about this situation.

Do you really think it makes sense?!?!?!

Not only does it make sense, but I've heard the same sort of thing - watching shows about real criminals and real crimes. Would you believe men who manage to keep three or four wives at one time - each believing sincerely that he loves and adores her just the way you believe your guy? Well there are a lot of them. Every man and woman needs to be cautious when marrying someone in this sort of situation.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

But most of all, his previous marriages are completely irrelevant to this problem. I love him for who he is and am willing to deal with his imperfections. .... His relationships with his ex-wives have nothing to do with whether he loves me or not.

 

Actually, it could have a lot to do with his love for you. Did he recognize his own past mistakes and correct them this time with you? His expectations, his routines, etc.? Is he really in love and does he recognize it for what it is?

 

Knowing why he broke up -- even if you are getting his filtered versions -- could be a very important learning tool for you. He might say something that he takes for granted but will send up a big red flag for you. Or reinforce a positive---it doesn't have to be all bad.

 

I think love is great, but love without caution is dangerous on many levels.

 

A big question in my mind is not so much the quality or veracity of love you and this man have for each other, but your children. They must come first. What is going to happen if you simply are not allowed to bring them to another country? You may find yourself in a custody battle - do you want to go through that or put your kids through that? That is something that will have to be considered. I know it may seem like putting the cart before the horse because the relationship may end on its own and the decision of "if" and "how" to move your kids to the US may never come up; but if everything does work out and you can't -- how are you going to prepare for that? You really need some legal counsel and contractual agreements in place so that you can visit for a while and not fear losing your children.

[Mz. Pixie]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Actually, it could have a lot to do with his love for you. Did he recognize his own past mistakes and correct them this time with you? His expectations, his routines, etc.? Is he really in love and does he recognize it for what it is?

I think this is good advice RP. It was important for me to know why my fiance's marriage broke up. I wanted to know if he'd understood what mistakes he'd made. He admitted he'd made them, I read his counseling notes (at his urging) and he also went to counseling for a long time without her.

 

Just the other night I was in a chat room on Yahoo. A girl came in there that had gotten married to someone she met online. She was warning people not to do it, she said she was one of about six wives that they knew of so far. He bilked her out of $40K to get the divorce and she was just telling people to be more careful.

 

I'm not trying to make doom and gloom for you but be aware.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by moimeme

1. You are on an advice site. You are asking why your bf may be backing out of this marriage.

 

2. Plainly put, he may have been playing you all along. He may be a liar. You just don't know

 

3. I've heard the same sort of thing - watching shows about real criminals and real crimes. Would you believe men who manage to keep three or four wives at one time -

 

1. I am on an advice site and I asked precise questions and expected constructive answers. Actually I did expect that some people would open too many unnecessary fields. Some elements are not a subject for discussion, like my desire to marry him or his business status or trust and many other topics you touched. My questions were: what to do, how to act and does cold feet necessarily mean he doesn't love me?

 

2. Plainly put, your BF could be a mass murderer too, the one they're looking for in the news. You just don't know. He wouldn't tell you, would he?

 

3. You watch too much TV. How often has it happened to you that you meet someone and later realize that he lied to you about everything?

 

Hookey, he told me a lot about his ex-wives and I see a pattern of choice. I understand why he chose them, what impressed him, and how he made a mistake. I even see similarities between me and them in many things. You're absolutely right, I should use the information about his ex-wives in myfavor.

Regarding the kids, I did mention here that he talked to my ex-husband about this matter twice, in person, and the ex said he's determined to NOT let the kids move to the US. But my BF demanded that I submit a request at the center of social work for this approval. The US embassy requires that the father of the kids signs an approval that the kids can move to the US. But if he refuses to do so, they accept an approval from the center of social work that is in charge. I talked to the social worker and she was on my side so I think they would sign it if we get married.

[d'Arthez]

But how can people answer your questions constructively, if they may but explore one or two possibilities?

 

1. That he is backing off, because he fears the commitment (without being allowed to give you a clue to why he might fear the commitment), or

2. that he simply needs a month, to make a few necessary arrangements (without being able to see what these arrangements could be)

 

That is impossible.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

 

Regarding the kids, I did mention here that he talked to my ex-husband about this matter twice, in person, and the ex said he's determined to NOT let the kids move to the US. But my BF demanded that I submit a request at the center of social work for this approval. The US embassy requires that the father of the kids signs an approval that the kids can move to the US. But if he refuses to do so, they accept an approval from the center of social work that is in charge. I talked to the social worker and she was on my side so I think they would sign it if we get married.

 

Well of COURSE your children's father is going to refuse to allow his children to relocate across the world, to another continent - heck, I'd wonder what kind of father he was if he said "that's fine, they can move to the U.S."

 

I think it's unfair to relocate young children, even if you can have the department of social work on your side, endorsing it - doesn't their father have any say? These are his children, too - and he will surely barely ever see them if they move to the U.S. That just seems wrong to me.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by shygurl

I think it's unfair to relocate young children, even if you can have the department of social work on your side, endorsing it - doesn't their father have any say? These are his children, too. That just seems wrong to me.

 

You don't know who you're talking about! He agreed with them going to the US before. He changed his mind when he discovered that the kids love my new BF. He left me and the kids when they were babies. He had a period of 4.5 months when he didn't see the kids at all, didn't even call for their birthday. His excuse was some stupid argument he had with my mom.

 

He was seeing the kids almost every day and recently he found an excuse (when I said "you can't see them tomorrow because of this and that") and demanded that he sees the kids as scheduled by the court, which is every other weekend and every Wednesday. So basically he wanted to see them less often!

 

He wants to have kids, but not take care of them. He wants others to live with them and do all the hard work. It was his choice to abandon us. I had to move on. Well I did and now he is jealous, because he has no one in his life.

[Thinkalot]

Hi RP- sorry for your stress and anxiety over this- it must be hard for you.

 

In my opinion , you don't have enough of a solid relationship foundation to be heading into marriage...so many things you dont know yet, as in how you function living together.

 

so to answer your specific questions is hard, because so many things are unknown.

 

You also do need to put your kids first.

 

It sounds likely that he does love you and does have cold feet. Maybe the cold feet are a sign you should wait a little longer though, for both your sakes.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for your reply, Thinkalot. That's exactly what I decided to do - to wait. I do put my kids first.

Perhaps the expression cold feet is not the right one as he never proposed to me. He just started acting around some matters like talked to my ex-husband about the kids, gathered the documentation necessary for the wedding and the embassy and bought rings. He said he wanted to be sure about his decision and felt forced. I indeed put a lot of pressure on him and that was my big mistake. He said he wanted to make sure he won't divorce again.

Right now everything is as it was before, he says he loves me.

The good thing about long-distance relationships is that they can't get the milk without buying the cow!

[MikeE]

YIKES!!!!! This whole thing sounds so f'ed in so many ways. Clearly this has nothing to do with just being with each other and being in love, you're both just after the security of being married. If you're so in love and you know this is the one, is it so important to have that certificate? I don't think the love is real here, it's all about the status of being married.

 

And coming from someone who seems so rational and grounded from her previous posts...