21 years is it over?

[Tobey]

Hi guys this is my first post so here it goes! My wife of 21 years after catching her in a lie ( said she was working 3rd shift when in fact she went to a party with her niece) told me she is going to file for a divorce that she no longer has feelings for me she says there is not another man but I don't know? She says she just wants to be free? She always works overtime and her days off are never the same, we had a good marriage for 8 years then I had an affair with a younger woman she took me back and we got back to normal but not exactly like before? In the past 5 years I have developed serious health problems from diabetes called charcot foot my bones in my feet break very easily so I have been in the hospital and casts for a few years now also from diabetes our sex life went downhill had guy problems down there we always finished but there was no actual intercourse for about a year now? She has a job at a local plant that is a very well paying job and desirable to work at but it is 80% male work force. She started telling me about six months ago that she is not happy I don't help with bills or even around the house and we have four kids so the work load is substantial. I'm lazy and don't care in her eyes but I feel I'm disabled and in pain im doing what the doctors recommend but she thinks I can hop on one leg and help out more and to be honest I can do more than I do but I also feel depressed I have no income (waiting on disability) and can not do much with my family? Anyway about 10 years ago we put our house in my wife's parents name long story but it was to help with her family to open a chain of restaurants and my wife has been saying we need to buy a bigger house for the kids to have more room but before we do she wants to divorce me so I don't try and screw her because she has paid for 3/4 of the house? It was almost like a joke she would say that then we would be normal for awhile and then she would bring it up again! 10 days ago is when I caught her in her lie she says she doesn't have to tell me anything where she goes or what she does? Then why lie? She does not want to go to counseling that she is done trying? She wants me in the house and she will continue to pay everything but we will just be friends? I did talk to one of her friends who she has shared her feelings with and she told me she has had men make advances on her at work but she shut it down because of her family she also told me the other day that she had feelings for a man but it didn't grow into anything? I'm devastated I breakdown and cry for hours a time I can't eat or sleep the pain is truly unbearable I begged her to go to counseling with me but she says no the friend of hers that I talked to told me she thinks she is done with our marriage in her head but not in her heart? I want so bad to keep my family together I truly love my wife and don't want to lose her but I also want a healthy marriage not just a friend!! I am I stupid to try I have got a counselor and have started doing all chores around the house in an attempt to help. But I also read all over the internet that when a women says she doesn't have feelings for me anymore odds are she has another man? All through our marriage she was fiercely loyal and in a way I think that was what made me not fight earlier on because I thought her loyalty and devotion to our family would be enough to make her stay I did think in my head it would not be at some point but I thought I had time to heal and get my health on track before I went down the path to win my wife back the affair I had was a one time thing I was drunk and honestly don't even remember the act zero feelings were involved I know it was wrong but it was something I regret everyday. She has also in the past month started farting and burping in front of me and that is totally out of her character she would never do that before ( not sure if there is deeper meaning) bottom line is I want it to work what can I do to convince her to give me time to show her I can change is that even an option? I'm lost we have four kids 17 15 13 and 11 they will be devastated please any help or advise would be greatly appreciated.

[Jeff1690]

Tobey,

 

I don't have much experience as a lot of folks here but I will give you my two cents. Everything your wife has told you is the same exact same thing my wife said to me (You can read my thread if you want details Wife of 23 years wants divorce). Looking at the years you have been married I would say you are probably close to my age.

 

I make good money but my wife makes a lot more than me. For the past year and a half she has been saying things like "She paid for all this." in regards to our home. It is as if she has lost total respect for me.

 

I would say start digging and check the phone records and finances. I discovered a total of 10,000 minutes and almost a thousand texts in one year to her BFF's ex-husband. She denies affair but can not even look me in the eye when I bring it up and leaves when I do.

 

She blindsided me and it sounds as if your's blindsided you. I would almost say she is done with you but I don't know you or your wife. But, it sounds just like what my wife said and many others here if you read the threads. Pay attention to what these experienced posters say, they have seen it all. I didn't believe at first but they kept telling me what is going to happen and sure as **** it did.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill.

 

Please, don't do the pick me dance it only lowers you status.

[Tobey]

Thanks for the reply. The not knowing is what hurts the most I told her. I told her we are adults and like she said she doesn't have to tell me anything so if she is don't lie it will only make me resent her. She says she would never bring another man around our kids but even ifshe is doing it or is going to my kids are still in play I don't know this man or what he is capable of if hurt by her? I should have the right to know I think I should of been told about the guy she said she had feelings for if he had feelings back at her I cheated and I regret it everyday and I know it hurt my wife deeply but no feelings were involved on my end I do understand my wife's feelings were not thought of and me justifying my actions by saying I had zero feelings is selfish. I do honestly believe she will tell me if sex became a factor but why not tell me about the man she claims she had feelings for?

[Tobey]

Mark,

I can get past the having an emotional affair but physical im not so sure? And if it is happening right now while I'm going out of my mind and making massive life changes it will turn in to something very bitter.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Tobey, I'm sorry you needed to search out this forum.

 

You have an uphill battle, but if you want to TRY to get your wife back, then google Standing For Marriage.

 

Due to my religious convictions I can't encourage divorce but I also don't agree on holding onto someone that wants set free.

 

Your goal should be recovering from losing your Beloved Bride, not seeing how long you can hang onto her ankles.

 

It won't be easy to let go, but if you make Recovery a top goal, then you can go on to live a fulfilled life.

 

Two in the saddle is nice but you can ride alone and still have a great life. Read the stories here and keep on posting. You'll get through this just like the rest of us did.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Mark,

I can get past the having an emotional affair but physical im not so sure? And if it is happening right now while I'm going out of my mind and making massive life changes it will turn in to something very bitter.

 

 

Tobey, 21 years of marriage and 4 kids REALLY should not be a reason to be bitter. I don't want to sound like I'm being all pious, but my wife left after 20+ years of marriage. I shook her hand, said Thank You and then cried my eyes out for probably a year until I got sick and tired of being stuck in the Depression Stage.

 

We don't own our wives and they don't own us. A marriage is voluntary.

 

Forgive her, and work on getting her back if you want to try. But if that fails, please shake her hand, be fair in the settlement and then work on recovering. Your kids will see dad as a gentleman, not as some hothead that gets all bitter if he loses.

 

Your emotions are raw right now so my comments might not sink in, but in a few months I think you'll realize that letting go with love is the best policy.

[Marc878]

Thanks for the reply. The not knowing is what hurts the most I told her. I told her we are adults and like she said she doesn't have to tell me anything so if she is don't lie it will only make me resent her. She says she would never bring another man around our kids but even ifshe is doing it or is going to my kids are still in play I don't know this man or what he is capable of if hurt by her? I should have the right to know I think I should of been told about the guy she said she had feelings for if he had feelings back at her I cheated and I regret it everyday and I know it hurt my wife deeply but no feelings were involved on my end I do understand my wife's feelings were not thought of and me justifying my actions by saying I had zero feelings is selfish. I do honestly believe she will tell me if sex became a factor but why not tell me about the man she claims she had feelings for?

 

Nope, you'll never get the truth unless you dig and figure it out. She's not going to tell you anything.

 

It's very rare that an affair is confessed (all affairs revolve around lying and deceit) but you have all the red flags of one. You can work on and fix yourself into a new man but if they are in an affair it won't get noticed.

 

Have you checked your phone bill? 99% of the time it'll be there. Go online and look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number. Then you can look it up and see who it belongs to. Might cost a few bucks but you'll know who it is. I'd do this without divulging it yet. Get the facts first. At this time you don't know what you're dealing with. And you sure can't fix it either.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Marc878

[Tobey]

Lancasteramos,

Thank you for the reply, I'm just confused our marriage has been not good for quite awhile now, But she sends so many mixed messages? She says she wants a divorce one month to protect her investment in "our" house yes she has paid for most of it on her ownbut my father who is a custom home builder built our house as a gift to both of us. I know I was dumb to let my home be put in another's name but at the time (18 years married & four kids) I had no reservations whatsoever they are family and it helped them a great deal! Then she will say things like we are going to grow old together? She says everything will stay how it is we will both live in the same house (not the same bed) she is 47 years old and some of my family members think she may be bi-polar? Or her sudden change could be caused by pre menopause? I don't know what to think?

[Jeff1690]

Lancasteramos,

Thank you for the reply, I'm just confused our marriage has been not good for quite awhile now, But she sends so many mixed messages? She says she wants a divorce one month to protect her investment in "our" house yes she has paid for most of it on her ownbut my father who is a custom home builder built our house as a gift to both of us. I know I was dumb to let my home be put in another's name but at the time (18 years married & four kids) I had no reservations whatsoever they are family and it helped them a great deal! Then she will say things like we are going to grow old together? She says everything will stay how it is we will both live in the same house (not the same bed) she is 47 years old and some of my family members think she may be bi-polar? Or her sudden change could be caused by pre menopause? I don't know what to think?

 

Holy crap Tobey! This is so like my wife. I would most definitely start doing some digging on the computer and phone records. Even after my wife said she wanted a divorce sometimes we would talk and she start talking about what we needed to do to the yard next year or how great it will be to have grandkids one day staying with "us". Then two hours later be talking about how she needs her freedom and to do stuff for herself.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I'm just confused our marriage has been not good for quite awhile now, But she sends so many mixed messages?

 

 

I'm no professional relationship expert or marriage counselor by any means, but from what I have learned, the process you are describing actually sounds normal.

 

From what I have read, our spouses are NOT wanting to hurt us, but they just want to be free. Of course, there are evil, narcissistic monsters that are out to destroy their spouse but I'm doubtful we married one of those. I think if my wife or yours was a monster, we would have figured that out a long, long time ago!! And we would not have sought out this board to find out what to do --- it would have been us that did the running away!!

 

No, I suspect we married normal women who have grown tired of being married, taking care of kids, etc. It happens to husbands, and it happens to wives.

 

And once they get the urge to be set free, I'm afraid that there's no other option but to set them free!!

 

Marriage counseling might stall the process, losing weight, doing the dishes, haha, might buy you a few weeks but I doubt long term it will do any good.

 

I was just at my doctors for a 6 month checkup about an hour ago. Whatever I said about marriage made the 30 year old nurse confide in me that she is tired. She's been married 10 years. She said "I don't want another man, but I really don't want to do this any more." I was like "Oh wow, please don't just spring this on your husband."

 

But, I'm guessing her husband will not HEAR her message, her desire to be set free!!

 

I'm guessing he will try to wine and dine her, do anything, to not lose her!! And then, after he tries all of these things, and nothing works, there will probably be angry, bitter words spoken, and a messy, nasty divorce will then take place.

 

I told the nurse about a marriage plan that I can never agree on ---- but one that might be better than "until death do is part."

 

I suggested that marriage be 1 year, 5 years, or whatever amount of time the partners agreed on. And then at the end of the term, both parties can walk away or do another renewal. She was like "Now I like that idea!!!!!"

 

I don't know this nurse, but I don't think she is a monster. She is bored, she wants out, but she is stuck. In order for me to move forward, I had to look at the "other side of the coin" and accept that my wife wanted out.

 

That doesn't mean the pain is any less, but I think the recovery can be quicker.

 

From the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Page 156:

 

"Often, partners cling to the belief that the relationship will be restored because of the behavior of the initiators who conceal their true feelings about the course the relationship is taking.

 

They are happy to be living separately.

 

Released from the tensions of the relationship, initiators are also freed from the strain of living in two different worlds. Now (or soon) they will engage in the lifestyle they've been moving toward and will no longer have to continue the false life constructed for others. But, not wanting to hurt the partner, some initiators mask their contentment.

 

Again, the partner receives mixed signals......"

 

And that is exactly what you are receiving --- mixed signals/messages!!!!

Edited August 29, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Mr. Lucky]

Then she will say things like we are going to grow old together? She says everything will stay how it is we will both live in the same house (not the same bed)

 

Tobey, based on my own experience and readings here, I'd ignore what she says and pay attention to what she does. Actions indicate true intent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tobey]

Jeff, well buddy on Monday I went to my foot Dr. For A Check Up And Was informed my leg was going to be amputated! This is after I told my wife I was going to fight with my entire being to show her I know I had let our marriage slip but I was deeply in love with her and did not want our family to become broken! And even with my injury I was going to fight! I also told her if she told me the truth I could handle it as a man and move on it would hurt but I would at least have my answear to my fear! She told me she was not with anyone nor had she slept or even kissed another man so that was all I needed to battle! Well monday after my Dr. I went and did some digging in our phone bills and found she had 3600 text messages!!! From July to august not alot of minuets but over 100 texts a day? When she normally was around 500 I also got some numbers and did some reverse lookups and found some men at her work so I couldn't help it and confronted her and caught her in a few lies then turned the screws up and told her I saw all the texts and I know what she did and told her all she had to do was be honest and I would of been cordial but don't lie and let me work above and beyond my ability if your cheating so wrongly I blamed the amputation on her! And she admitted she slept with a man but no longer was! I don't believe that at all and we got in a huge fight I called her nasty names and I left. She contacted a lawyer and no longer wants to share our home for the kids like she did before and is going to give me joint custody of the kids half her pension that only amounts to 10k my car 15k? And that's it my father built our home I was stupid and trusted my in laws and put my house in their name to help them open a chain of Mexican restaurants. And slowly over the years with me injured all the utilities were transfered in her name so I guess after 21 years I walk with nothing? What should I do in the next days and weeks talk to her? No contact? I don't want to stalk her the pain is to much to handle?

[stillafool]

You kids are certainly old enough that they should be the ones to help around the house. With 4 their age it should be very little left for your wife to do when she gets home from work.

[Jeff1690]

Well Toby I am so sorry that your fears have been totally confirmed. I am also sorry about the leg. On the flip side at least you know. All I really have is the phone records and half a million other red flags. I know she has had a PA in my gut but no confession. It is a closure piece I may never get. Don't know why knowing for sure is a key for me moving on but I guess just because she had my total trust and I want her to admit to her betrayal.

 

Unless you can live with the fact she has slept with another man and betrayed you try to move on. I for one am trying. It is really hard to disassociate the past woman that you loved with the woman she is now. At times you will yearn for R. At others anger will surge through you and you want to move on.

 

I will honestly admit I am terrified about moving on and trying to find another woman. I have faced many life threatening dangers in my life. I have had people try to kill me and I have taken human life. Those times were full of terror but I fought through and won. But life without my wife is more terrifying. Sounds pretty strange doesn't it?

 

I know I will get through this. You can to. It is time for you to sit down with someone who is knowledgeable with finances and plan the start of your new life. I am luckier than you. I am receiving enough money from my home buyout to be relatively debt free. That is where you want to be.

 

I know it will be tough on a disability check but with the right guidance you can do it. Take time to heal yourself both mentally and physically. Come here and read and ask advice. That is one of the things that has helped me to get my mind in order. Also the book Uncoupling was recommended to me here. I have almost completed it and it may help you understand many things about what your wife was thinking and help you cope. I have found it very informative. Still do not understand the walking away with never telling me she was falling out of love but I have a better understanding.

 

Do not stalk her. You may wind up in jail. You have to stop the need to investigate. You have answers now. You found out about the texts and confronted her and she admitted to deceiving you and cheating on you. You are going to want her to feel the pain you feel in your heart right now. I know I still do. However I am going to live my life and enjoy new adventures as much as possible. Whether that is trips, or just going to a museum in a different town.

 

Unless it has to do with the kids and finances don't talk to her. This has helped me immensely. Every time I hear her voice on the phone it triggers me into remembering the woman I loved. Go get a freaking lawyer and find out what your rights are to the property.

 

Once my wife got a lawyer even though it was for uncontested divorce I went and got my own. I found a few things that needed to be changed so I would not get screwed over even though the divorce agreement is very fair.

 

I know you are about to lose your leg but exercise. You can do sit ups, push ups, pull ups and dips. I know this will be tough in your condition but make yourself look better and feel better. Concentrate on the kids as well.

 

I am showing my boys how t handle betrayal like a man. Not a crying sniveling weakling. I do cry from time to time at what I have lost but I do it behind closed doors and let the pain and sorrow out.

 

I plan, plan, plan. I am mapping out my future and taking action to complete those plans. Your's will be a tougher road financially but you can do it. Keep us informed. Typing here has been a kind of therapy for me.

[Cephalopod]

She hasn't shown any sympathy about your leg? Nice gal.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Tobey, I'm so sorry to hear about your leg.

 

I have a child-hood friend down in South Carolina....he's 51 now. Lost his leg about 3 years ago due to diabetes complications. He was fitted with a prosthetic; he shocked me when he came driving up to PA to visit --- he drives a car, can walk around for limited amounts of time, etc.

 

You are being hit from both ends, and you probably feel like the world is caving in on you. But I just want to give a little pep talk --- Keep going, and stay strong because you have a whole set of bleacher fans rooting for you!!