Can't believe it came to this...

[Deadmeat]

Today is the official 30 day mark sonce I've spoken or saw my ex. I was feeling extra sad today because this may be the first of many milestones to come. If someone had told me a few months back that her and I would be like this, I would have thought you were absolutely crazy.

 

Despite all this, I went on a date with another girl. The date went well and we clicked in a lot of ways. No kiss or anything but I'm confident there will be a second time. If it wasn't for my feelings for the ex, I'm sure this one would go 100%.

 

When I got home I just started to ball my eyes out. I found myself comparing her to my ex which just reinforced the fact that she's gone. There is still a part of me that hopes she will reach out.

 

She's also modified her dating profile. It is still kept hidden though, but it probably means she is ready to turn it on soon. Why do I still check on her profile? I know nothing good comes out of it.

 

Here's to another week...

[Deadmeat]

Dear Beth,

 

I need you.

 

I need to hear your voice. Touch your skin. Kiss your lips. Stroke your hair behind your ear. Stare in your eyes and get lost.

 

I need you to want me. Call me in the evenings. Look forward to seeing each other at the end of the week. Say goodbye to you when I drop you off.

 

30 days. 30 ****ing brutal days since I've seen you. 30 gut wrenching days since I've heard you speak. My heart longs for you.

 

You told me it wasn't enough. What wasn't enough!? I would have given you everything. Would have done anything.

 

I'm so sorry for being needy. For calling you all the time. For being so god damn jealous. Please give me another chance.

 

I know you feel me...

[Deadmeat]

5 weeks now. My god the emotions. I'm crying as I type this because I still miss her so much. When they say emotions are a roller coaster it's the perfect metaphor. One day I'll be super happy and another I'm a ****ing mess.

 

I've been going on dates and they've been helping. I'm chatting with 3 different girls and they're a nice distraction. I'm just so sick of the lack of substance of our conversation. I understand that the beginning phases of a relationship needs to be light hearted but I miss the in depth conversations I used to have with the ex. The openess and honesty we had. I miss that so much.

 

It's her bday in 2 days and I've made a decision that I will call her. I'm not even sure if it'll get through (not sure if still blocked) or she'll even pick up. If not I will write an email. I'll keep it light hearted and no begging or talking about relationships. And if shes cold, curt and callous then it may be what I need to finally have closure that it's over.

 

I'm still holding out hope that she will return. Still checking her social media. Still missing her greatly.

[Deadmeat]

I gave her a call to greet her Happy Bday. Soon as she picked up and realized it was me she hung up. Called back one more time but no answer.

 

I sent her a closure email. I thanked her for the time we were together. Asked for forgiveness for the things I did wrong and mentioned the fondest memories I have of us. I then said good bye. Not expecting a reply, I did it for me to get the last bits out. I told her there are no.more agendas as of to ight. This may be the hardest I have ever done in my life.

 

I vow to never seek her out again. No more social media stalking. No more dating site stalking. I vow to learn from the mistakes I made on this relationship and never to do it again on my next.

 

Although, the next will have some real big shoes to fill.

 

Thank you for all the help LS. I am going to cut this off as well to further my healing. I vow to return one day when I am completely healed to post an update.

 

For everyone who's still in a bad place, my heart goes out to you.

 

Goodbye everyone.

[Deadmeat]

I gave her a call to greet her Happy Bday. Soon as she picked up and realized it was me she hung up. Called back one more time but no answer.

 

I sent her a closure email. I thanked her for the time we were together. Asked for forgiveness for the things I did wrong and mentioned the fondest memories I have of us. I then said good bye. Not expecting a reply, I did it for me to get the last bits out. I told her there are no.more agendas as of to ight. This may be the hardest I have ever done in my life.

 

I vow to never seek her out again. No more social media stalking. No more dating site stalking. I vow to learn from the mistakes I made on this relationship and never to do it again on my next.

 

Although, the next will have some real big shoes to fill.

 

Thank you for all the help LS. I am going to cut this off as well to further my healing. I vow to return one day when I am completely healed to post an update.

 

For everyone who's still in a bad place, my heart goes out to you.

 

Goodbye everyone.

 

*UPDATE*

 

She replied to the email. It was short. She apologized for her actions. She apologized for giving me a false sense of hope after the break up. She wished me well.

 

It is over. She is gone. Her path goes left. Mine to the right. Today I will cry. Tomorrow I will walk.

[Deadmeat]

Just wanted to post something for myself in the future or anybody else that may need it.

 

Mind set to have post-breakup:

 

She is dead. She does not exist. Along with her death is our future together. What we had is dead. Our reality in the past is dead. She is not a different person because she is dead. How can you contact someone who is dead? Your friends may still like her...but to you she is dead.

 

You are reborn. The world is new. You have your experiences from the deceased person. Learn from them. Make new connections. Do not try to instill or project your realities to new prospects. It took months and years to build what you had. You can do the same. Manufacture them from the "raw materials".

 

It does get easier with time. But you must first ACCEPT. true recovery begins when you fully ACCEPT.

 

Make sure to breath. Relax. Release the motions any way possible. You must rid yourself of every emotion. Cry and get mad. It helps. One foot over the next. Look into the future.

[Deadmeat]

Music. I was so passionate about music because it helped me channel my emotions. It was a big part of my relationship with her (Mayer Hawthorne) and I had to stop listening to him because it would just make me so emotional.

 

Today, I tried to reclaim it by listening to his first album

... I couldn't do it. It took me back to when I first played it for her and sang her the music. I balled.immediately and it felt suffocating so I stopped.

 

One day, I will be able to listen to him again. Not for a while. For now, it will be meaningess "angry music" to help me cope.

 

Just one of those small sacrifices that you don't think about post breakup.

[Deadmeat]

Someday this pain will be useful to you.

[Deadmeat]

Just a little over 2 months now since I last saw her that terrible day.

 

The road has been long and hard. It is amazing how this grief has evolved. I have mostly accepted that she is gone. There is still a piece of me that wants her back.

 

I checked her social media yesterday for the first time in a while. She is out dating. She looks like she is having fun.

 

I cycle through emotions of hapiness, anger, sadness, grief, turmoil, depression, and anxiety. Lately, it has been depression and sadness.

 

My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I don't feel confident anymore. I don't feel attractive anymore. I don't feel worthy. I know logically it is not true but my emotions are telling me different.

 

I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I will fight it. It gives me peace reading everyone's journey here. Helps to know I am not alone despite my feelings.

 

I decided for this weekend I was going to take my music back. I was not able to listen to my favourite artists since the breakup cause it wold just trigger my emotions. I locked myself in my house and listened to a whole Mayer Hawthorne album. Cried my eyes out the whole time

Even danced. But **** you Beth I will take my music back!!!

[slowloris44]

Hey I'm right there with you , on my third month post BU , I checked my exs fb the other day and I didn't cry as much , I still felt like I was going to puke but I just closed it and didn't go back again. Block her everywhere that's what I did with my ex. Its hard, I resonate with your pain. Although I am still sad , I'm more angry now , I'm angry that hes controlled so much of my life and I let it happen , my identity started to slip away. I'm regaining it back now and so are you ! keep it up keep posting and stay strong. Don't torture yourself over whether she is dating someone or not.

[Deadmeat]

After weeks of progress, it feels like I took a huge step back. Mornings and nights are difficult again. I find myself missing her and wishing she was still here.

 

I went on a vacation with friends and all I cold think of was that I wished she was with me. I excused myself for some time because I just couldn't hold it back anymore.

 

I came close to reaching out today. All I wanted was to remind her of what she was giving up. That perhaps she was feeling lonely too.

 

I decided on checking her social media. Nothing much has changel except that she hid her dating profile. I'm not sure what that means but it doesn't matter.

 

Why have I taken such a huge step back? I was actually starting to feel.better again but now it's like I'm back in square one. What is going on!?

[Deadmeat]

Been 5 months now...and my thought for today:

 

I was so in love with her. She taught me what it was like to love someone so dearly you would do ANYTHING for it. I read about that kind of love and never truly understood. I thought I did. I would always roll my eyes when I read it. Why would someone ever do such a thing. But now, it's the only thing I know. Despite all this time, 5 months later, I still feel that way about my ex. I'm sad to say, that if my ex came back to me right now, I would take her in with open arms, right now, at this very moment. I know that I shouldn't, but I feel differently. One of the toughest obstacles I've ever been through.

[SevenCity]

I feel your pain brother. The emotional roller coaster you are going through is perfectly normal. Some days you'll deny its real, other days you'll feel sad, depressed and angry, still others you'll feel good.

 

It's all part of the grief process and unfortunately it's not linear. You can flip back and forth between the stages with no warning or trigger.

 

My ex and I broke up 7 months ago, tried to work it out for 3, then officially ended it 4 months ago. I broke NC as people were thinking she was too afraid to reach out and my text went unanswered. It was a slap in the face after 7 years.

 

Good for you for dating other chicks. That's what you need to do. It will be a good distraction but more importantly it will develop your dating skills and allow you to practice.

 

So 4 months into NC and I think about her everyday. But it has gotten better. I was a complete wreck in the beginning and now I am still sad but able to laugh and have a good time.

 

It's normal to want her back. Your brain is releasing chemicals of dependency. You"ll get through this and one day you'll be glad about it. Why would you want to be with someone who tossed you to the side so easily and wasn't willing to fight for you? F her.

 

There is no time limit on the pain but it will get better despite the swings backwards. Keep working on yourself and dating and eventually you will get there.

 

Hang in there bro. You're not alone.

Edited January 25, 2017 by SevenCity

[Deadmeat]

Hey Seven,

 

Thanks man and I appreciate the response. I know grieving is never linear but my emotions have some catching up to do. Regardless, it's reassuring knowing there are others going thru what I am.

 

Last point, I just found out she is dating someone at the moment. After the initial shock I'm having mixed feelings of sadness, betrayal, disappointment, and even relief. I'm not quite sure what to think of it all. It feels like she broke up with me again. Although...lighter and not as heavy.

[LitTunnel]

Deadmeat, my friend, listen up! I'm going through EXACTLY what you're going through, literally. To. The. T!!! I'm being serious bro. I read ALL of your posts and I was just smh the whole time because I was feeling like I was reading my own thoughts dude, wow!!!

 

In fact, last week, just when I thought I was back to feelings of my old self, I was so proud of it too, suddenly today, BAM, I went back to my old thoughts. I was so jaded man. So disappointed. So sad. Just broke my heart. What a setback:(

 

It's like we have no closure. We're so desperately trying to want to do whatever we can just to prove to them we are not what they think we are, but we dug ourselves such deep holes post breakup that they don't even want to acknowledge us and THAT'S what's so dam frustrating. We are basically trying so badly, so desperately to gain their approval but the act of trying is making things worse.

 

I can tell you I've made great recovery and what helped me was I made a decision to stop seeing her fb, even though we not friends but I can still see her pictures. On the surface I thought it wasn't bothering me but in reality it was. BIG TIME. It wasn't until I stopped is when things started getting better. So dude, like seriously, take my advice and just STOP. But you're not going to. The temptation is to great. The only time you're going to stop is when the pain becomes too great and that's when you'll know, just like me. I learned my lesson from fb stalking. Don't get me wrong, I still get temptations to at least see her picture but hell no, I'm not going to want any more setbacks then I have to.

 

Bro, I'm here for you. If you need to vent, keep venting bro. Don't be ashamed, embarrassed or whatever. I suffered a breakdown couple weeks ago that seriously...man, I can't even begin to tell in words the breakdown, it was that bad. So just know, you are NOT alone bro. You are NOT alone.

 

Unfortunately all we can really do at this point is our best to move past the pain and suffering until we are finally able to move past this and hopefully allow the love of our life to come into our lives just like our exes once did, but only this time we will have learned our lessons and appreciate our next new loves.

 

Bro, you and I should be so happy because the future love is going to so benefit from this so can you imagine how awesome that's going to be for them and for us!? We won't have to subject ourselves to the stupid, boneheaded mistakes we did with our exes. We now know what to do and what NOT to do. Rest assure we are now THAT MUCH WISER. I pray ever day to God to allow me a chance at my next love so that I can start anew. I honestly can't wait.

 

Good luck bro. We are backing you up all the way!!!

[Deadmeat]

Just a short one...

 

I was trying to find a friend's birthday so I searched up "birthday" on my email and what do you think popped up? It was the last email I sent the ex during her birthday. It brought back the memory of her hanging up on me when I called. Her reiterating that it was over via email. The pain I went through that day.

 

Talk about a punch in the gut. Upwards and onwards!

[Deadmeat]

Deadmeat, my friend, listen up! I'm going through EXACTLY what you're going through, literally. To. The. T!!! I'm being serious bro. I read ALL of your posts and I was just smh the whole time because I was feeling like I was reading my own thoughts dude, wow!!!

 

In fact, last week, just when I thought I was back to feelings of my old self, I was so proud of it too, suddenly today, BAM, I went back to my old thoughts. I was so jaded man. So disappointed. So sad. Just broke my heart. What a setback:(

 

It's like we have no closure. We're so desperately trying to want to do whatever we can just to prove to them we are not what they think we are, but we dug ourselves such deep holes post breakup that they don't even want to acknowledge us and THAT'S what's so dam frustrating. We are basically trying so badly, so desperately to gain their approval but the act of trying is making things worse.

 

I can tell you I've made great recovery and what helped me was I made a decision to stop seeing her fb, even though we not friends but I can still see her pictures. On the surface I thought it wasn't bothering me but in reality it was. BIG TIME. It wasn't until I stopped is when things started getting better. So dude, like seriously, take my advice and just STOP. But you're not going to. The temptation is to great. The only time you're going to stop is when the pain becomes too great and that's when you'll know, just like me. I learned my lesson from fb stalking. Don't get me wrong, I still get temptations to at least see her picture but hell no, I'm not going to want any more setbacks then I have to.

 

Bro, I'm here for you. If you need to vent, keep venting bro. Don't be ashamed, embarrassed or whatever. I suffered a breakdown couple weeks ago that seriously...man, I can't even begin to tell in words the breakdown, it was that bad. So just know, you are NOT alone bro. You are NOT alone.

 

Unfortunately all we can really do at this point is our best to move past the pain and suffering until we are finally able to move past this and hopefully allow the love of our life to come into our lives just like our exes once did, but only this time we will have learned our lessons and appreciate our next new loves.

 

Bro, you and I should be so happy because the future love is going to so benefit from this so can you imagine how awesome that's going to be for them and for us!? We won't have to subject ourselves to the stupid, boneheaded mistakes we did with our exes. We now know what to do and what NOT to do. Rest assure we are now THAT MUCH WISER. I pray ever day to God to allow me a chance at my next love so that I can start anew. I honestly can't wait.

 

Good luck bro. We are backing you up all the way!!!

 

Hey man thanks for the response. Maybe I'm in a different head space than before or maybe enPugh time had passed but your reply really connected with me.

 

I've stoped looking at her Facebook and social media. I've stopped looking at her plenty of fish I've pretty much removed all.the anchors and reminders.

 

So far, I've been doing pretty well with the exception of the accidental finding of her email. I hope the beat for your recovery and keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

Thanks again for the response.

[Deadmeat]

She added me on snapchat.

 

I was out with the new lady I'm seeing and I see a notification that the ex recently added me as a friend. I was so stunned I excused myself to the washroom.

 

After all this time (6 months plus) this is the first sign of "contact" from the ex. A few months ago I would've killed to even get this sort of contact.

 

Although, she hasn't necessarily said anything, it has started to affect me again. What is happening?

[Deadmeat]

It just feels like unfinished business.

 

I'm done hurting now. I think I've cried all the tears from this relationship. I don't wish she would call me (although it would be nice). I can live and function without having to be paralyzed by my thoughts. I'm even seeing some one else and talking to other girls.

 

But I still can't shake this ****ing feeling. Like the last bits of a lump in my throat that would go away if I just stopped tonguing it.

 

It's been 6 months and a bit. How much longer until I remover her from my system entirely.

[Marc878]

If you were smart You could start with blocking her

[Deadmeat]

I told myself I would return when I felt I've come to a place of indifference (or close to it).

 

I feel I'm about close to it now. I know this because I saw her dating profile and saw that she was "looking for a relationship" and I actually felt a sense of happiness for her. I'll admit at first I felt my heart skip a beat but I am no longer paralyzed by a sense of sadness.

 

What would I have done differently for the next time?

 

1. I would have accepted the end sooner.

 

2. I understand that I did not closure. Lack of interest IS closure.

 

3. Instead of trying to speed up the process or numbing the pain, I should have embraced it with open arms. Some one on here said, "you'll be riding the emotional roller coaster of the end of a relationship, buckle your seat belts and hang on for the ride".

 

4. Ultimately, I shouldve accepted that nothing lasts forever and that things happen for a reason. Although, I don't believe in karma, I believe the universe has a way of pushing our growth by brining us obstacles in our life. This has been, hands down the most difficult I have ever faced.

 

I hope this helps some of you guys who are going through this difficult time.

[Marc878]

The lesson is you projected your feelings on her. You were deeply in love and you couldn't rationalize or see her not feeling the same for you.

 

You chase they ALWAYS move farther away. It was the only chance you had or anyone has.

 

The chasing, needy, clingy "pick me dance" lowers your value and makes you look extremely unattractive.

 

Hopefully a good lesson learned.

[Deadmeat]

Hey Marc,

 

Thanks for the response and I definitely agree with the points. To be honest, I think the deeper seated concern was that I didn't value MYSELF, which is why I reacted the way I did. If I hadn't reacted the way I did maybe I would still be with her...I don't know.

 

What I do know now though is that I had to go through to to really understand the value of my own self-worth. As I said, the universe has a way of placing obstacles to push personal growth.

 

This has been my lesson and I do not intend to forget it.

 

Cheers for the response.

[Marc878]

Hey Marc,

 

Thanks for the response and I definitely agree with the points. To be honest, I think the deeper seated concern was that I didn't value MYSELF, which is why I reacted the way I did. If I hadn't reacted the way I did maybe I would still be with her...I don't know.

 

What I do know now though is that I had to go through to to really understand the value of my own self-worth. As I said, the universe has a way of placing obstacles to push personal growth.

 

This has been my lesson and I do not intend to forget it.

 

Cheers for the response.

 

You're welcome. We learn more from our mistakes and bad experiences.

 

If you can learn and apply it you'll be better for your next relationship.

 

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free pdf download. Something we all should read from time to time.

[Deadmeat]

I have a new girlfriend now. We've been together for 5 months but made it official a few weeks ago.

 

My ex still crosses my mind from time to time. It's more annoying than anything really. I'm not so sentimental about her anymore. I can even say that I hope she is truly happy. Anyone know how long or how I can get rid of it?