Can't believe it came to this...

[CDJ]

She manipulated you by holding and drawing you in after the break-up, making you think there was something still there, and then suddenly deciding that she didn't want to hear or see you again and thus cut you out completely. In essence, it was about control - of the situation, and over you.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. I fell for the same trick. You're not the first and you won't be the last! If you hadn't shown any interest in her after the break-up, she would have just increased the manipulation until you yielded. Her cutting contact with you in such a harsh way was always her intention; her desired way of ending things with her on top, so to speak.

 

It might not seem like it now, but you really are better off without such a manipulative person in your life.

[Deadmeat]

Thank you everyone for the reply.

 

I'm really trying hard to move on and it is getting easier. There is still a big piece of me that believes she will come back in a month or two. Her birthday and mine are next month and I get this feeling that she will let her guard down and contact me or vice versa.

 

Is this normal? How do I let go of that? Does that ever happen?

[NIGHT1985]

They hardly ever come back, and if they do, it rarely last. You're still holding on to false hope my friend. You won't gain any progress thinking she'll be back

[Satu]

snip

 

*Is this normal? How do I let go of that? Does that ever happen?

 

'Normal' isn't a useful term to use in this situation.

 

"Is this realistic?" is a better question.

 

What do you think?

 

Is it realistic, to think that after going as far as getting her boss to eject you from her workplace, that she will ever come back to you?

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 3, 2016 by Satu

[Deadmeat]

snip

 

 

'Normal' isn't a useful term to use in this situation.

 

"Is this realistic?" is a better question.

 

What do you think?

 

Is it realistic, to think that after going as far as getting her boss to eject you from her workplace, that she will ever come back to you?

 

 

Take care.

 

This was heart breaking to read but I know I needed to read it.

 

I woke up this morning with an an enormous sense of loneliness. I read an article about letting the negative feelings run its course instead of trying to distract or fight them. I went on my knees, balled my eyes out and let the emotion take over. I do feel better but it still feels heavy.

 

I'm just letting time do its thing...

[Deadmeat]

They hardly ever come back, and if they do, it rarely last. You're still holding on to false hope my friend. You won't gain any progress thinking she'll be back

 

How is your situation going my friend? How did you finally gain acceptance that they are not coming back?

[Satu]

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

It is possible to get into a relationship with yourself that gives you a sense of deep satisfaction and fulfilment when you are alone, but its something that takes time to establish. It means getting to know yourself bit by bit, until you finally realise that it's ok to be happy.

 

The culture we live in constantly bombards us with the message that happiness is outside of us; that we can only be happy if we can find someone who loves us with a kind of fierce intensity. The real truth is that happiness does not depend on circumstances. You don't need a beautiful wife or husband to be happy. You don't need lots of money. You don't need to have power and influence. You don't need fame.

 

You do need people, but you don't need them to be happy.

 

Spending time alone helps us find our happiness in ourselves, where it was all along.

 

Spend more time alone with yourself, if you want to overcome your loneliness.

 

Go camp in the mountains.

 

 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

 

 

Take care.

[Deadmeat]

It's the music that kills me. I'm not listening to anything we used to listen and sing to. Right now it's only hardcore rap but sometimes in the middle of night or day the music will turn on in my head and my mood changes. I let one go today and I sat there in tears.

[Deadmeat]

I am now in week 2 of this journey.

 

The hopeless, heavy and empty feelings has now been mostly replaced by extreme sadness. Nights are easier than mornings I find. I've woken up the last 3 days with different songs that we used to listen to. Ive cried each morning so far.

 

I try not to turn to friends too much anymore as I can tell they are getting sick and tired of hearing me wallow. I told myself that I'd wake up early today, be productive and go to the gym. Instead, I woke up checked her Facebook and ended up sleeping more. This is still a problem for me and I'm trying not to check her fb but I find it very hard. I still plan to go to the gym.

 

I've also been listening to TED talks and learning how to communicate with intent. I found these to be helpful as I loved listening to them before I met my ex and it kept me grounded.

 

Here's to week 2.

[Deadmeat]

Joined an online dating site just to pass the time. Chatted with one girl and we set up a date for Saturday. At least it's something to look forward to. Not really expecting much on this.

 

I'm also experiencing actual pain where.my heart is. Has anybody felt this before? I feel like over exhaustion and mental strain from this break up is finally catching up to me. It's not too bad yet but if the feeling persists it will be a cause for concern.

[Lansing]

You need to break the habit of checking her FB page. Maybe get a friend to change your FB password or somehow go off FB totally for a while. That is really destructive behaviour and it is going to keep you from moving on. That one step alone will help (no contact means not checking social media too).

 

And, do whatever it takes to get to the gym. I found that being physically active really helped in terms of dealing with my past breakup and in general feeling depressed/sad. Even if you don't have a gym membership yet then go out for a run or long walks or whatever to get active.

[Deadmeat]

Things are such a roller coaster these days. I wake up feeling so lonely that I'm in tears. Mid day is okay because of work but as soon as I have time to myself, I'm back into thinking about my ex. Nights are okay too I find as I'm too exhausted to think about anything. I just eat dinner, watch some TV and fall asleep. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I promise myself that when the day comes that she is no longer a prevalent thought in my mind, I will come back here and post an update on how and what I did to get there. I'll also post some things I would have done differently if I could do it all again.

[bummer]

Don't lead this new girl on.

 

Some may argue you are way to fresh out of your breakup (still crying?) to go on dates. Take your time for you and be alone. Remember when you said it's best not to distract yourself from the Negative feelings but to let them in full force? It's not a one and done thing. It takes time to fully grieve and recover.

 

Connect with yourself. Distract as you may, but remember to grieve and don't lead this girl on.

[Deadmeat]

I don't plan to. I'm just going to be up front wit her about what I want and looking for. If things turn into more then great. If not, it's all good too.

[Deadmeat]

Why are mornings so ****ing tough!? This is so frustrating. Every time I wake up she is always on my mind. I miss her so much. I miss her voice. I miss her smile. I miss her body. I miss her smell. I miss her laugh. I miss her cute little random hiccups. I miss her hair. I miss her breathy laugh. I miss everything about her today.

[Deadmeat]

It's been a little over 2 weeks since I first started this thread. It's also been that much time since the work incident and last I saw her.

 

Although it still hurts and I miss her very dearly, I feel lighter. I feel like my life purpose is becoming clear. For the first time today, I woke up without crying.

 

Just some things I've been doing both good and bad:

 

-Im back to regular workouts at the gym

-I'm eating regularly again

-I've gone on one date (no chemistry but it was good to meet someone new and go for a walk)

-I'm still checking in on her social media

-I still tend to ruminate when I'm alone

 

If this trend continues things should be better although I'm smart enough to know that my emotions are like roller coaster and are inconsistent.

 

There is still a lot of hope that we will establish contact again especially it will be her birthday in 2 weeks.

 

I'm just going to take one dau and week at a time. Here's to the next few.

[SevenCity]

Deadmeat,

 

I feel for you man. A breakup is probably the worst pain one can experience. It's worse than death as the person is still out there and chose to no longer be with with you.

 

I too went through the trying to get her back....for three months. I and everyone around me thought we would get back because of how she was acting (talking about having a kid, future plans, sex, spending the night, shopping with me, etc).

 

It was not until two weeks ago today she ended it for good. It was 9 days ago she moved out of my house. We were together for 7 years.

 

The favor she did you was no longer leading you on. At least you got your definitive answer and can move forward. With my ex, we were fooling around half the time she was here moving out - even a BJ until her friend arrived with the truck. The rest of the day she was having a nervous breakdown and crying hysterically.

 

What's worse, she must have made at least 10 references of us getting back together as she moved out of my house. Even in the slight communication we had after she was gone she referenced maybe we'll be together one day (and was still crying hysterically).

 

It's not easy to get over someone you love who no longer loves you but in the end one day you'll be happy and turn that into a reason not look back. In my case she says she still loves me so it's hard for me to let go.

 

I don't want to imply my situation is worse because you are feeling the loss, not me.

 

Let your emotions out. Be angry, be sad, cry like a baby. It will not help to keep them in.

 

I've been watching a lot of Corey Wayne videos on YouTube. I highly recommend you check him out. I'm on the second read of his book. You will learn what you did wrong so you do not do the same thing in the future.

 

I also started taking 5-HTP today at the recommendation of a poster here who has turned into a good friend. I got it at Walmart. It's hard to say 100%, but I think it did make me feel better emotionally today. It's an herbal supplement.

 

You and I are on similar timelines - please post back and I'll do the same.

 

Have fun with this new girl! You're one step ahead of me.

 

I feel for you brother....and I really mean that.

[Deadmeat]

Deadmeat,

 

I feel for you man. A breakup is probably the worst pain one can experience. It's worse than death as the person is still out there and chose to no longer be with with you.

 

I too went through the trying to get her back....for three months. I and everyone around me thought we would get back because of how she was acting (talking about having a kid, future plans, sex, spending the night, shopping with me, etc).

 

It was not until two weeks ago today she ended it for good. It was 9 days ago she moved out of my house. We were together for 7 years.

 

The favor she did you was no longer leading you on. At least you got your definitive answer and can move forward. With my ex, we were fooling around half the time she was here moving out - even a BJ until her friend arrived with the truck. The rest of the day she was having a nervous breakdown and crying hysterically.

 

What's worse, she must have made at least 10 references of us getting back together as she moved out of my house. Even in the slight communication we had after she was gone she referenced maybe we'll be together one day (and was still crying hysterically).

 

It's not easy to get over someone you love who no longer loves you but in the end one day you'll be happy and turn that into a reason not look back. In my case she says she still loves me so it's hard for me to let go.

 

I don't want to imply my situation is worse because you are feeling the loss, not me.

 

Let your emotions out. Be angry, be sad, cry like a baby. It will not help to keep them in.

 

I've been watching a lot of Corey Wayne videos on YouTube. I highly recommend you check him out. I'm on the second read of his book. You will learn what you did wrong so you do not do the same thing in the future.

 

I also started taking 5-HTP today at the recommendation of a poster here who has turned into a good friend. I got it at Walmart. It's hard to say 100%, but I think it did make me feel better emotionally today. It's an herbal supplement.

 

You and I are on similar timelines - please post back and I'll do the same.

 

Have fun with this new girl! You're one step ahead of me.

 

I feel for you brother....and I really mean that.

 

Hey Seven,

 

Thanks for posting and yes I agree with breakups being the toughest thing. Before my ex, I was so independent! Now all I can think of is being with her.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how tough it is for you and would not wish it on my worst enemies.

 

One of the toughest thing for me to accept is that a few days prior we were holding each other and was so intimate. She looked at me and kissed me like when we were together. A few days later I made the mistake of spamming her phone and blocked me on everything.

 

I can't help but think that if I just wasn't so needy and have been more patient things would be different right now. Maybe we would still be together. Then again I think that maybe this was doomed to fail whether it's now or later. Just so many unanswered questions and I can't even call her to ask.

 

I hope you are further down the road than I am Seven.

 

PS. The girl I went on a date with is also dealing with her own breakup. I can tell that she still have feelings for ex and being with me just reminded her of that. The same happened with me. I won't be seeing her again. Onwards and upwards.

[Deadmeat]

Today I woke up and I felt tired. So tired of fighting my feelings. I sill love her. I still miss her. I still wish she were here.

 

I was brushing my teeth and looked at myself and just gave up. The tears came out. I didn't try to stop it. I didn't care if I was going to be late for work. I cried and cried until I had no more left.

 

Onwards and upwards.

[Deadmeat]

A few days ago marks my 3 weeks NC with the ex. I will say that I do not necessarily think that things are better, rather, they are just different. If I can define it, I feel as if my emotions have found a way to numb the pain. Like when you break a bone and you are shocked at first then an immense pain takes over once the shock wears off. Then over time your better releases adrenaline as an anadthaetic. I think that's how I would describe my feelings at this point.

 

I still miss her although it is not as suffocating. The smells are what gets me now. I smelled her perfume a few days ago and I just came back to when we were lying next to each other and I could smell her. That was tough.

 

Pros:

I am thinking a lot clearer now. I am able to look back and see things from an objective perspective. I cringe at the thought of what I did and it makes me really sad.

 

I'm still going with my workouts. Not as consistent but more so than the break up was fresh.

 

When I'm not thinking about her I actually feel free but when I have time to myself it is still difficult.

 

 

Cons:

I still check in on her social.media.

 

A piece if me still has hope that she'll contact me. Mostly because she is shy and a part of me feels like she doesn't put herself out there enough.

 

Here's to week 3.

[Deadmeat]

I also wanted to add that I've been using aspirin. I'm on day 2 and can say that it's been helping me. There are some studies that show that they illevoate the pain of rejection. I'll post a 1 week update.

[Deadmeat]

The ex and I snuck into a practice rehearsal while out on a date one time. There was a song we heard but we couldn't figure it out for whatever reason. I heard that song again today and found the artist and song title. I cried when I heard it. I would have sent this to her if we were still together.

 

The roller coaster emotions continue...

[DarrenB]

The ex and I snuck into a practice rehearsal while out on a date one time. There was a song we heard but we couldn't figure it out for whatever reason. I heard that song again today and found the artist and song title. I cried when I heard it. I would have sent this to her if we were still together.

 

The roller coaster emotions continue...

 

Mate, it is nice to reminisce every now and then, but please don't do it so often. You know the process of doing so will not help you heal or progress with your own life. However, on occasions it is nice to be reminded of was once such a positive, happy time in your life... but it can also become the opposite due to the outcomes and aftermath.

 

I understand how you feel completely, in fact I empathize 100% after going through it myself. I hope that soon your days become easier to live, and that you'll be able to ease these memories and thoughts away from your mind and heart. You will move on and you will find your perpetual lover in future and in time. Godspeed.

[Traceycprc]

It has been a few months since my break up, and your posts so reminded me of everything I went through in those early weeks. How do you get there her not being a prevalent thought? Time and working on yourself. It took everything I had to get out in the word and do things for me. But I'm glad I did because I'm feeling so much better these days and he is not the first thing on my mind when I wake or the last when I sleep, I have moved on. You have to be determined that you want to let go and recover. Let the pain out, and do something for you. I took up running and met some great people. You have to live and get out of your old routine to help yourself thats the only thing that will do it, that and time.

 

 

Things are such a roller coaster these days. I wake up feeling so lonely that I'm in tears. Mid day is okay because of work but as soon as I have time to myself, I'm back into thinking about my ex. Nights are okay too I find as I'm too exhausted to think about anything. I just eat dinner, watch some TV and fall asleep. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I promise myself that when the day comes that she is no longer a prevalent thought in my mind, I will come back here and post an update on how and what I did to get there. I'll also post some things I would have done differently if I could do it all again.

[Deadmeat]

Darre - thanKS for the reminder. I know what you're saying is true. It doesn't help that I like to reflect on the past a lot. I like to learn from my mistakes and improve. Sometimes however I get stuck in the past. I'm confident in time it will get better. Thanks for sharing.

 

Trace - thank you for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel better to see that there is someone out there who understands my feelings and got a way from it. It motivates me to stay positive and keep living.

 

At this stage, I find that the emotions are so polar. When I'm not thinking about her and I'm feeling good, I feel REALLY GOOD! However, the same applies when I'm feeling sad. As I mentioned, I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of my ex. I balled my eyes out and cried like I did the first week. I do feel like there is progress but there are still a lot of emotion left to get over.