Can't believe it came to this...

[Deadmeat]

Hello,

To anyone really that cares or going through your hearbreak journey, I felt a beckoning and was generally curious on how things have evolved here in the community.  In the process of digging through the archives, I ended up back to where I first started in 2016.  How did I end up here again?  Thought I'd quickly update where I'm at now and some of the thigns I've learned.  Maybe 5 years from now I may have an urging to check things out again,  At the least it'd be interesting to see how things are then or maybe I will have extracted some piece of wisdom and will be able to compare that to where I'm at now.

It's now 2022 almost 6 years since the heartbreak and I'm still with the person I entered a relationship with.  I've asked her to marry me, and if it wasn't for the pandemic we would have been married by now.  We've purchased a home together and are awaiting possesion in a few months.  It's an exciting time for us!

In this relationship, I have found tremendous comfort with her.  She isn't like me in many ways and we share some values.  I believe together we are better than if we aren't.  I've learned lots from this relationship too.  it takes works.  it takes patience.  And it takes LOTS of communication.  Being truthful is something I found a lot value in especially in how I operation in my day to day life.  Starting with myself and thanks to the works of Jordan Peterson, I've had to do a lot of "growing up" and I'm in a professional career where I can see that there are many people who are hurting, aimless, and I am able to provide support.  It gives my life meaning and purpose.  So much so that I believe myself to be "one whole person".  And I believe that is something I wasn't when my ex ended things.  

I had entered my relationship with my ex as someone who was not "mature" and I was dependent.  I need the validation of others.  A woman.  Someone to make me feel like there was purpose in my life.  It's like Tom from 500 Days of Summer.  The world, my world revolved around whether someone was willing to accept me romantically.  And when she broke things off, i felt my world collapse.  I've come to realize that my foundations were weak.  And you can't build someone high and mighty with weak foundations.  So I broke and was forced to recreate myself.  Mentally, physically, emotionally.

Anyway, I'm happy to say that I'm...happy.  Not that that is something I aim for now.  I believe that "meaning" and "purpose" to be the highest import in my life.  And I like that thought because that means I don't have to relegate my life onto someone else.  It's not fair to me and certainly not to them.  I like the thought that if my current partner were to ever leave me, that I'd be comfortable enough on my own and that my world wouldn't fall apart because I have created a strong foundation.

Who know maybe this perspective will change?  I guess we'll just have to see in some years.

 

[SevenCity]

Hey Deadmeat.  Blast from the past lol.

It has been many years since I was on this forum but saw this via email notification and had to chime in.

First, let me say congratulations on not only meeting someone new but getting married!!!  That's awesome and I wish you the best.

Also, it seems that the prior breakup has caused you to become more self reliant and find your purpose in life.  That's what it's all about - not finding someone to fill a void but to find someone who adds to your completeness.  You sound like you have matured significantly and you deserve a pat on the back for that.

Since we are giving updates, it's going on about 6 years for me.  I have matured considerably during this time and have also become more self reliant.  I am doing better financially and kept off the extra ~40lbs I lost at the beginning of the breakup due to not eating.  I also understand women a lot better than I did before (mostly due to Corey Wayne's teachings) and I have seen the benefits of adjusting my behavior to accommodate.  They say trauma is the only way people really change - I agree with that. 

I've also been in a RL for the past 4 years.  I, like you, do not see my world falling apart if she leaves.  The one big lesson I learned from my breakup is I will be ok by myself....almost to the point where I sort of miss it and the associated freedom.

Unfortunately, unlike you, I still wake up every morning thinking about my ex.  It's gotten a bit crazy as we are almost 6 years now since it ended.  But, I realize it's over and there is no getting her back so I just move forward with life and do not do anything to contact her.   

The sad part is I do not think I am capable of loving the same way again.  I guess that is part of the benefit as well - if you don't love that deeply you don't get as hurt.  I recall another poster commenting on how his feelings for his new girl were different than the one who broke his heart.  To paraphrase, I believe it was along the lines of "I would have moved mountains for my ex".  Not that he didn't love his new gf, but the feelings weren't as deep/strong as he had before.  I can relate to that.  But like I said, I look at it as a good thing because I would not want to go through what I went though before.

Anyway, hopefully at the 10 year mark she will be a distant memory and you will be happily married with a kids playing around you (assuming you want that) :)