I'm here to just speak out my mind...

[LooperDooper]

Today was a really weird day. My ex sent me an email, my first ex, my first love, my first, the girl who I think had the most impact in my life, the girl who at one point made me believe in myself and actually inspired me to become better.

 

If I had to say something, out of the few real girlfriends I've had, she was probably the one that made me into a better person and probably part of who I became. This was 5-6 years ago. We didn't end pretty, she left me I was devastated for a long time, she went back to her ex, her ex cheated on her, she came after me again and I stupidly complied, once I wanted something serious again she rejected me, to which I told her I couldn't see her anymore as friends, I left her life for good. Last time I wrote to her was about 3 years ago when I sent her a thank you email on new years also wanting no remorse for everything that happened, she replied with a sweet message back thanking me, that was all we talked. Haven't seen her in a good 4 years.

 

She sent me an email today literally out of the blue saying how thankful she is for everything I taught her, how she is proud of me and how thankful she is to have known me.

 

I'm just confused. Rattled. Got me thinking about everything in my life. I've been single for about a year and a half, last relationship lasted a year but let's just say it was a disaster. I've met some wonderful people in my life and yet I can't seem to find anybody for me. I'm not an easy person, but I'm definitely a good person, loyal, never have and never will cheat, as honest as they come and a good boyfriend. Yet I am alone.

 

Literally, I may have been hurt in past relationships and closed my heart internally. I don't know. But this message got me thinking and made me remember that I have a damn good heart. This person is an amazing catch, I heard she is engaged, she's smart as hell, and yet she takes time to reach out to me after I don't know how many years just to let me know how much she appreciates that I was at some point a part of her life.

 

I guess I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of having somebody complement my life and inspire me to do what I know I can do. I've learned to guide myself in the direction I want, to live alone, to not depend on anybody for my happiness. However, I do feel a gap of companionship, somebody to share my faults and successes, somebody to hug me on a sad day, and somebody to pick me up because that day, that week, that month I may feel like I can't do what I want to do. And yet, that amazing person that I have been waiting for is nowhere to be seen. I'm not getting any younger and start feeling this only gets harder to find, but why can't I just find somebody to complement my life and bring me that much more joy and trust and success and love.

 

I can live alone for the rest of my life, but I am dead sure that if I find that one person I can live much happier, much more inspired, and much more grateful to have somebody by my side no matter what.

[careyon1]

I agree it is strange that your ex would reach out to you now, when she's engaged. But, the key is 'she's engaged' so unless she decides to call off the engagement, then she's off limits. You're craving love and I get it. But you also said you are loyal and would never cheat. So don't compromise your values and your true self just to satisfy that craving for love. Let God know (although He already does) that you are ready for love and ask that He send that person your way. Perhaps you have not because you ask not. We all want love and a companion. But not just anyone, the right one. Praying you find the true love you are desiring.

[spiderowl]

It must be a strange feeling to receive a bolt out of the blue like that. It's good that she thinks so highly of your and something you should believe and take to heart. Why is she writing? Who knows!

 

You two were obviously very important to each other. She misses your good qualities but it does not mean that if you ever got back together again it would work. It hasn't worked out twice now so wanting it to work and making it work are two different things.

 

Maybe this has come to show you that you have cut yourself off a bit (if that is indeed the case) and that you could be more open to the people around you who are in the same position. Maybe you are assuming the one is not out there when she is. If it causes you to think about these things, then perhaps something good will come of this disruption to your normal state.

[LooperDooper]

Thanks for the replies guys, I haven't replied back but I will eventually. I'm not thinking for even a slight second that we could be back together in the future, we are two minds far far apart and even more so now, so for those who suggested it wouldn't work for more than a day.

 

I guess like me, she is thankful for what we had and maybe just wanted to send a good gesture to her past as she potentially moves into a brand new part of her life.

 

This past week has been very weird for me, apart from this message I've had some weird things happen that have made my mind rattled. It put in motion this mindset that I am not happy, although I am doing what I've always wanted to do professionally, something just isn't there. I don't know if it's a temporary thing or if it's something that's always been there and this week just kind of exploded.

 

I feel like I am alone, not as successful as I want to be, not as happy as I can be, starting to question if I like my personality as much as I used to, I've become very closed with people and on days like these I wonder if anybody even thinks of me.

 

It's weird, I'm not depressed or anything like that, just thoughtful and critical of myself. Perhaps I've realized what I want to achieve in this world isn't happening and I'm not doing anything about it. Perhaps my indifference to people from all the trust I've lost and the cold-heartedness I've grown into from my past relationships is showing up as my personality. I think I need a new outlook on my life or something to assure me I'm as good as I know I can be, I can be happier, I can be more successful, I can be inspired and inspiring to others.

 

Honestly, I think I just need a boost of confidence to become the man I want to become. Because this week and lately my mind is in another planet and I've lost the motivation, the confidence, the will to be different, and I've just become indifferent to my life and others' life.

 

I just need a spark, and it doesn't seem like I have anybody at the moment to show me it.

[preraph]

I think she has guilt over the past and feels bad about it now and also probably realizes you didn't deserve it. You know, if she had never had her heart broken before, then she may not have realized how much it hurts, and by now she has as we all get heartbroken, and maybe now she realizes how much she hurt you and how good you were.

 

You need to keep scheduling yourself every week to go to activities you enjoy so you keep meeting people you may have something in common with.