elisalynn Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I have an ongoing struggle with how close of a friendship my boyfriend and his ex-gf (and best friend of 10 years) have; we've had a few conversations recently about it. Since then I've been checking his facebook messenger and phone calls with her to see if anything has changed. They just started using whatsapp instead of messenger because she's out of the country and they can make calls on it. I know it's already a bad sign if my trust is low enough to snoop on him, but... how else am I going to know if anything is changing? I looked at his phone over the weekend and last week they had a two hour phone call and then in one of the text he made some innuendo joke about ":eek:" emoji that she made and then later in the same conversation sent her some porn photos from the internet. She made some comment about needing more and he made some mention of what he seemed to know was her favorite porno; she responded that she was way ahead of him and had that porno saved in her favorites already. He just "laughed" and said he shoulda known she was on top of it. They used to date, so I know that they have some sexual history and are comfortable talking about that stuff to each other, but this seemed totally inappropriate especially since I had JUST talked to him about two weeks ago needing to have better boundaries with his communication with her. Then... a couple of really long conversations and a sexual-in-nature conversation? He might suspect that I sometimes looked at his facebook messenger, but probably doubts I would see his whatsapp. What do I do now? I didn't want to bring it up yet, I sort of want to see what else they talk about first. I don't want to give ultimatums, but I need to lay down the seriousness of how I feel about their friendship. He is going out of town this week for work; I'm debating talking to him first so that maybe he can think about it while we are apart, or I was thinking I would see what sort of communication they had during the week to see if it keeps going or not before bringing it up again. Advice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I'm not sure what you are waiting for. The guy has no boundaries and is definitely not long-term relationship material. Why are you still with him or what do you believe will change? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
ksol9 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 This is so unacceptable. If it is ok for him to have a friendship with a female then ok, but the dialogue is totally unacceptable. You should have no fears regarding their relationship if it is strictly platonic. This doesn't appear to be the case. I have an ex who I've been very close to for over 10 years...probably around 16 years. I'm 32 now. We are so very close. He would do anything for me. I talk to him about all my relationship troubles...now that my relationship is on the rocks. BUT during my relationship, he respects my boundaries and would never speak to me inappropriately. We wouldn't even speak on the phone. Your guy is talking on the phone for hours. This sounds like an emotional affair...at the very least. You need to sit and think long and hard about continuing this relationship. Think about what you are willing to put up with. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing because he is getting away with it. Put some boundaries in place and if they are crossed then you will suffer turmoil in your relationship. Don't question yourself. When you feel something is wrong...it's wrong. Hope this offers you some perspective and direction. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Dump him. Although I wouldn't bother bringing up the messages bc he will try to turn it around on you for snooping. Make a clean cut and say it's just not working out for you and you'd rather see other people. If you stay, don't be surprised if he ends up messing around with this girl or tries to get back together with her. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Super not cool!!! What was his response when you spoke to him about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Boyfriend texts porn to his ex and you're still calling him your boyfriend. Reflect on that. My job here is done. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure how you can be so cool about this -- this type of arse behavior is deserving of the boot. He would no longer be my boyfriend. Who cares if they used to date. This is way beyond inappropriate. You have another thread in June about his inappropriate behavior. When do you learn? Edited August 29, 2016 by Zahara 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 You already addressed boundaries with him and yet he had rejected any of your requests. So what now? He doesn't want to change, he would rather keep disrespecting you....what does that say about him? and what does that say about you? Stop sniveling about it and dump this chump. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) He's not going to change hon, this is who he is. You've talked about this with him before he didn't change and he probably won't.. My ex was the same way, he was such a huge flirt. Didn't go as far as texting porn but he was overly flirtatious. We fought over it for 3 years until i had finally had enough, i had to let him go. He was a great guy but he just didn't know how to stop flirting with the ladies. I knew he wasn't marriage material, as painful as it was for me, i ended it and i am glad i did. My Mother once told me that a leopard doesn't change it's spots and she was right...he got a new girlfriend then started messaging me behind her back. Edited August 29, 2016 by loveisanaction 3 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I believe it is the third thread I see about issues with your BF and his BFF And you still aren't listening? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Listen to the advice that has been offered. His behavior won't change. Either you are ok with him flirting/always wondering if he is cheating on you or you believe you deserve more in life. Your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Don't bother talking to him about how you feel - HE DOESN'T CARE how you feel. Just dump him and move on. Dating is about finding our Mr/Ms Right. It's not about finding Mr/Ms Wrong and trying to find a way to force it to work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 He's not going to change. You have two options: 1. Live with it 2. Dump him c. Change him. There is no c 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elisalynn Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 I know that I should break it off. I guess I feel silly being in such a twist over texts, but I suppose it's really about him not showing me respect or regard for my feelings. And the naive and hopeful part of me thinks that if I just explain it logically enough to him that he'll realize how great I am and stop chatting up this other girl because he wants to be with me. I've never been in a relationship before where another woman seemed to take priority over my needs, so I figure it must be some sort of mistake. Hah. Now... he is out of town for the week with spotty cell phone reception. Do I wait until he comes back, or get ahold of him via phone while he's out of town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ksol9 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 There is this saying...people only do to you what you allow them to do and unfortunately even people we love and who love us, tend to push boundaries hoping you'll let it slide or brush it under the rug. He is getting away with this because you are allowing him. It IS inappropriate and it IS disrespectful. Everyone who has responded to your thread has given you very blunt answers. If he truly loves you, this is not much to ask for. Respect should not have to be demanded. If I were you, just so you know you tried everything in your power and gave it your all, I would call and try to communicate what is bothering you. Tell him this has been bothering you for quite some time. If he is not receptive, I would definitely leave. Some people do not learn until they lose you. You may be feeling silly for making an issue over his best friend or you may fear looking like the jealous one, but never be afraid to stand up for your beliefs and values. If you're not ok with something, lay it on the table and ask him to consider your feelings. It seems that you have had this problem with him for quite some time. Don't let this eat away at you. It is going to drain the life out of you. I know what it is like to constantly feel like I needed to look through my bf's phone and that is no way to live. It's not healthy. Communicate and try to work this out with him, but if he doesn't compromise then consider taking a break from the relationship? How long have you 2 been together? Is he staying at a hotel? You can talk to him on the hotel phone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I know that I should break it off. I guess I feel silly being in such a twist over texts, but I suppose it's really about him not showing me respect or regard for my feelings. And the naive and hopeful part of me thinks that if I just explain it logically enough to him that he'll realize how great I am and stop chatting up this other girl because he wants to be with me. I've never been in a relationship before where another woman seemed to take priority over my needs, so I figure it must be some sort of mistake. Hah. Now... he is out of town for the week with spotty cell phone reception. Do I wait until he comes back, or get ahold of him via phone while he's out of town? I don't think it matters as long as you say your piece and move on immediately. I wouldn't engage in a conversation about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Communicate and try to work this out with him, but if he doesn't compromise then consider taking a break from the relationship? . If you read her old threads, you will now she has talked to him about it at least three times and here she is, he didn't change. I really hope she firmly cuts it loose or she is not respecting herself, not loving herself not making herself happy. And if she doesn't want to help herself, no one can help her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I know that I should break it off. I guess I feel silly being in such a twist over texts, but I suppose it's really about him not showing me respect or regard for my feelings. And the naive and hopeful part of me thinks that if I just explain it logically enough to him that he'll realize how great I am and stop chatting up this other girl because he wants to be with me. I've never been in a relationship before where another woman seemed to take priority over my needs, so I figure it must be some sort of mistake. Hah. Now... he is out of town for the week with spotty cell phone reception. Do I wait until he comes back, or get ahold of him via phone while he's out of town? Seeing that he has disregarded you several times, call and end it without having a lengthy/deep conversation about it. You shouldn't have to keep having conversations with a grown man about boundaries in a relationship. If you do the latter I can guarantee he'll give you words and you'll cave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I know that I should break it off. I guess I feel silly being in such a twist over texts, but I suppose it's really about him not showing me respect or regard for my feelings. I don't know what some of the others are talking about, but you've confronted him about this in the past, n'est-ce pas? Allow me to be more blunt...YOU ARE BEING PLAYED FOR A FOOL. This is not a "silly" twist over texts. This is a bellowing confirmation that your bf is a jack-wagon, disrespectful slime. YOU SHOULD BE UPSET about this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Now... he is out of town for the week with spotty cell phone reception. Do I wait until he comes back, or get ahold of him via phone while he's out of town? Do you two live together? Now would be the time to pack up and move out. If you still live separately, than go ahead and contact him while he is a gone - no reason to delay the inevitable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elisalynn Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Do you two live together? Now would be the time to pack up and move out. If you still live separately, than go ahead and contact him while he is a gone - no reason to delay the inevitable. We do not live together. He's getting back in town tonight, around 11pm. I'm debating returning his stuff and grabbing mine before he gets home, and then either talking to him tonight or tomorrow. I've just spent the week trying to figure out what to say and how to respond to any attempts he has to defend himself or mend it. I guess there's not much to mend since I don't trust him to have respect for me or how I feel, so I've just been pounding that into my head. Thanks for all the responses, it's helpful to re-read and feel confident that it can't work out and that I've been more than generous and reasonable in my requests for him to change his relationship with his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I have an ongoing struggle with how close of a friendship my boyfriend and his ex-gf (and best friend of 10 years) have; we've had a few conversations recently about it. Since then I've been checking his facebook messenger and phone calls with her to see if anything has changed. They just started using whatsapp instead of messenger because she's out of the country and they can make calls on it. I know it's already a bad sign if my trust is low enough to snoop on him, but... how else am I going to know if anything is changing? I looked at his phone over the weekend and last week they had a two hour phone call and then in one of the text he made some innuendo joke about ":eek:" emoji that she made and then later in the same conversation sent her some porn photos from the internet. She made some comment about needing more and he made some mention of what he seemed to know was her favorite porno; she responded that she was way ahead of him and had that porno saved in her favorites already. He just "laughed" and said he shoulda known she was on top of it. They used to date, so I know that they have some sexual history and are comfortable talking about that stuff to each other, but this seemed totally inappropriate especially since I had JUST talked to him about two weeks ago needing to have better boundaries with his communication with her. Then... a couple of really long conversations and a sexual-in-nature conversation? He might suspect that I sometimes looked at his facebook messenger, but probably doubts I would see his whatsapp. What do I do now? I didn't want to bring it up yet, I sort of want to see what else they talk about first. I don't want to give ultimatums, but I need to lay down the seriousness of how I feel about their friendship. He is going out of town this week for work; I'm debating talking to him first so that maybe he can think about it while we are apart, or I was thinking I would see what sort of communication they had during the week to see if it keeps going or not before bringing it up again. Advice? Smh... I've got nothing against remaining friends with ex's provided there is absolute transparency and clear boundaries that do not jeopardize current relationships but what your boyfriend is doing takes it to a WHOLE other level that has trouble written all over it! And I think you need to re-read the part I put in bold my friend because I think this says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elisalynn Posted September 3, 2016 Author Share Posted September 3, 2016 Well, I broke up with him. I brought up the topic and explained that I had been asking for boundaries, in a way that I thought was pretty clear, for a while. I told him that it really bothered me that he never agreed to change anything, and I was feeling ****ty, so I looked at his phone and found that he had sent her the porn. He just sadly nodded in acknowledgement and had pretty much nothing to say. He said he knew it was not appropriate and he felt bad and was sorry; he said he did it to "help a sista out" cuz she's out of the country and doesn't have much access to porn. It's not his job to make sure she can get off! Blah. I talked for a long time about all kinds of things... still just silence for the most part. I kept asking him to say something, but he had nothing to say. I guess I am glad he didn't try to defend himself or turn it around on me, but that's also kind of annoying. I guess he really was disinterested in our relationship. Damn. Well, thanks y'all for the words and advice. Trust your gut, trust your gut. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Good girl for being strong and doing what you knew was right. It will hurt for a while, but you will survive and certainly find someone with better judgment. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 he said he did it to "help a sista out" cuz she's out of the country and doesn't have much access to porn. LOL. This guy is SUCH a complete douche bag talking like that. How you stayed with him THIS long is a mystery. Best decision EVER to drop this loser. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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