He'll "always love" the mother of his kids

[norudder]

Even if your mm were to leave, would you be comfortable with this sentiment? I agreed to a conversation with him, please no judgment. Ive been doing well, enjoying life, dating, and my hopes aren't pinned on him. Its basically the same song different verse. Hes "going to" divorce (no timeframe, no specifics). I basically said if that's what you feel you should do but don't do it on my account. I asked a few questions to gauge him emotionally, and he commented that he doesn't hate his W, cares for her, (which up to this point are all good things I would hope a single guy would say about an ex) but that part of him will always love her especially for giving him his kids. Am I being cold or petty or just extra sensitive because of the triangular dynamic? Is it unreasonable to not be ok with that? Even with a single guy that might make me wary.

 

I know some people tell each other its ok to hold love for all your exes. They were a part of you at one time. Etc etc. I don't love my exh because I don't love him. I dont love him for having kids with me. That's just biology.

 

Is it a more acceptable thing to say about an ex from a more distant time? When the current relationship is secure enough that the past isn't a threat?

 

If love is an action how can anyone "love" someone from their past. If they mean feelings of fondness, how much maturity or understanding is expected for him to have those feelings?

 

I think a comment like this from a mm means he'll never be truly "all in" with a woman.

 

There was a dear sugars npr podcast right after our call about an engaged man reaching out to his exw after their sons wedding to reminisce and say he never stopped loving her (no affairs) . That would be a huge fear going from exow to gf. The topic just set me off, Thought I'd see what you all had to say.

[imperfectangel]

I will always love my sons dad because he is his dad. We will always have that bond but trust me I could sleep in the same bed as him for the rest of my life but nothing would ever happen because I have no "in love" feelings for him.

 

She will eventually become part of your life too if you get together with him so it is something you need to accept

[Lobe]

You can be as unhappy about it as you want and your feelings are your own and you need not justify them to anyone, but the reality is I think you know that your insecurity is rooted in the fact that you are jealous, possibly with good reason since talk of divorce is different than divorce. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Good luck.

[imsosad]

I have a form.of love for my stbxh, as he was my partner for nearly 20 years and we have four children together. I suppose I will always love him as my childrens' dad.

I care about him as a person,but I no longer love him as a man.

I think it is a reasonable statement, i see no reason to read much in to it and certainly dont think it's a reason to break up. The lack of specific time frame and actions towards actually leaving raise way more red flags,imo. It doesnt really matter what he said. Has he taken steps towards divorcing?

[minimariah]

I think a comment like this from a mm means he'll never be truly "all in" with a woman.

 

i disagree.

 

this is just ME & my personal opinion but... the moment i heard my xH telling me that he will always love me as a mother of his kid - i knew his romantic love for me was gone. that sentence was the ultimate proof.

 

& TODAY - years later - i really feel the same. i will always love him and be grateful for our child... the most precious gift. it's not just biology because we didn't randomly make a child together -- we chose each other as parents and we work well together + we support each other. but that is a very "shallow" sentiment... not Love with a big L at all.

 

if i were you - i wouldn't be bothered by it BUT maybe there's a reason you feel uncomfortable... not sure what to tell you. go with your gut.

[cocorico]

Even if your mm were to leave, would you be comfortable with this sentiment?

 

Horses for courses, I guess. I don't love my kids' father - not as their father, nor as my X. I'm civil to him when I see him, but each time it's a "wtf was I thinking?" kind of response, rather than a warm fuzzy love.

 

My H is the same about the xBW. Any feelings he feels toward her are irritation - certainly no fondness, although he does still feel he wronged her by not dumping her outright when we connected (he waited until the kids were old enough).

 

Would I be comfortable...? I guess it would depend on the woman, and the R. A more healthy M, ended for reasons of outgrowing each other, etc, and a more healthy xW, sure. I have no problems with my xH's xW - she was a bit of a pain initially as she still thought he was at her disposal every time she needed a light bulb changed (we lived 30 miles away...) but I didn't resent any vestigial care he felt toward her. But then, they were long over when I came on the scene. If she'd been a BW and I an OW, with a different dynamic, I may have felt less secure around her, IDK.

[BuddyX]

And that's why I don't date women with kids. If I was to get involved with a Mom, I would most likely become part of her kids life. And dropping them off every week at Daddy's house would be soul crushing.

[elaine567]

Well it all depends on how he feels about his potential stbx.

I know many divorced people say that and it does seems to be the "go to" phrase in the circumstances.

But how to quantify that "love" is difficult and I suppose it ranges from "I don't actually dislike her" at one end, to "She was the love of my life and no-one else comes close." at the other.

Where your particular MM stands on that continuum, no-one really knows apart from him.

[loveisanaction]

His wife (or STBXW) bore him children, she went through labor, she has extended his generation, given him the best gift any wife could give her husband.

 

Of course he will always love her...I would think that you would be proud to be with a man who regards the Mother of his children that way.

 

What happens (if they divorce) and he's over at her place (without you) visiting his children? Will that pose to be a problem too?

 

These are things you have to consider. He already had a family before you came along and regardless of whether he's in love with her or not she's not going anywhere.

Edited August 29, 2016 by loveisanaction

[norudder]

I asked if she were to apologize, or brought up reconciliation, what would his response be. Silence.

 

Not "Im moving on", "not interested, etc.

 

Yes,there are feelings of jealousy and inseinsecurity. Because no action I guess.

[whichwayisup]

IF you two end up together, there are some things you have to accept. His ex, mother of his children will always be in your lives on some level. They will always be mom and dad to their kids no matter what and because of that there's an automatic bond. Don't be jealous or hurt by it, just accept that it's not going go away. That doesn't mean he's lusting after her, he just has a respect for her because she gave birth to their children.

[minimariah]

I asked if she were to apologize, or brought up reconciliation, what would his response be. Silence.

 

well - this absolutely WOULD bother me. & i do think it's troubling.

[whichwayisup]

I asked if she were to apologize, or brought up reconciliation, what would his response be. Silence.

 

Not "Im moving on", "not interested, etc.

 

Yes,there are feelings of jealousy and inseinsecurity. Because no action I guess.

 

Probably because right now he knows there isn't a choice he needs to make. Status quo is quite comfortable and he's happy as things are. Sorry Rud, but it doesn't seem like he's any hurry to divorce and start a new life with you. IF someone wants a divorce, they make it happen regardless... Actions speak louder than words.

[MissG]

My limited experience with the subject matter:

 

I don't have love for any of my exes, but I don't have children. My parents are divorced, and they had a very rough divorce, and I would say they hated each other during that time, but after a few years apart, they have been getting along better than ever. I wouldn't say that they feel there, but they appreciate that they're both my parents, and that they have to be amicable. And it doesn't seem to be forced. They genuinely get along now.

 

As far as my MM is concerned, they have one child together. He's not divorced yet. But he does say that they are merely friends. So no hard feelings there, either. I have never heard him speak about love towards his BW. But that might just be to spare my feelings. Who knows.

[MissG]

IF you two end up together, there are some things you have to accept. His ex, mother of his children will always be in your lives on some level. They will always be mom and dad to their kids no matter what and because of that there's an automatic bond. Don't be jealous or hurt by it, just accept that it's not going go away. That doesn't mean he's lusting after her, he just has a respect for her because she gave birth to their children.

 

Well that's a no-brainer. However, OP was concerned about the love feeling. Loving somebody is different than just feeling amicable towards somebody, or being concerned about their well-being. Which is can totally understandable if that somebody is your children's mother.

[loveisanaction]

I asked if she were to apologize, or brought up reconciliation, what would his response be. Silence.

 

Oh! Well...i guess that kind of changes things then doesn't it.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to divorce...

 

I would have an open and honest conversation with him, ask him to be honest with you, ask him if he wants to reconcile with his wife or move forward with you. It's better you know now.

[norudder]

Probably because right now he knows there isn't a choice he needs to make. Status quo is quite comfortable and he's happy as things are. Sorry Rud, but it doesn't seem like he's any hurry to divorce and start a new life with you. IF someone wants a divorce, they make it happen regardless... Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

No need to be sorry. He knows hes too comfortable with status quo and Isn't happy but has the "it is what it is" mentality. I read about a woman who stayed married because she couldn't bear to give up her kitchen. I dont take it personally anymore. He doesn't have the enthusiasm (let alone real availability) I desire in someone Im going to emotionally invest in. Its where he is as a person right now.

[SammySammy]

Like it or not, my ex-wife and I will always have a bond because of our daughter. I love my daughter with all my heart and an extension of that is I care about her mother.

 

I have loved another woman as much or more than I love my ex-wife. Been totally immersed in that relationship and fully committed. But, that didn't diminish the place my ex holds in my life.

 

It's possible to love someone and not be in love with them.

[norudder]

Oh! Well...i guess that kind of changes things then doesn't it.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to divorce...

 

I would have an open and honest conversation with him, ask him to be honest with you, ask him if he wants to reconcile with his wife or move forward with you. It's better you know now.

 

She "checked out" before him. I asked what he saw as fundamental reason for divorce was, reasons underlying affairs, and it was "Im not the guy she wants". Well, a guy hung up on his stbx is not a guy I want to start anew with.

 

My gut says he would if he could but she's not interested and its his emotions that have to catch up. Who knows how long that will take.

 

At one point I thought if we knew we wanted to be together we could help each other through the "mourning" stage of our divorces. Like how some BS are compassionate enough to ride out their WH grieving the OW in order to reconcile. But he was too uncertain and obviously we didn't have a marriage kids house years of history etc. to make it "worth" it. Just potential.

 

So hes still invested to some degree whether she is or not. I guess the comment of "always loving " is something that needs context and further explanation if it comes up from a guy.

[norudder]

Like it or not, my ex-wife and I will always have a bond because of our daughter. I love my daughter with all my heart and an extension of that is I care about her mother.

 

I have loved another woman as much or more than I love my ex-wife. Been totally immersed in that relationship and fully committed. But, that didn't diminish the place my ex holds in my life.

 

It's possible to love someone and not be in love with them.

 

I guess it depends on what you mean by "love". Is the only thing that separates your feelings for your ex and feelings for a gf the "in love"part? What happens if/when the "in love " feelings fade over time. Is your gf in same standing in your heart as your ex then? Maybe less even, since there's no bond of a child?

 

If "in love" feelings wax and wane, why could those in love feelings not come back w your ex? What's the difference?

[minimariah]

What's the difference?

 

i think the difference is - ROMANCE.

 

i'll always love and cherish my xH -- but that love isn't a romantic one. not only did we lose our "IN love" butterflies phase... we lost ROMANTIC love. the love we have for each other NOW is based on our child and the fact that we wish each other well because US being well and happy means our child is well and happy.

 

i think LOVE isn't the right word; depends how you define it. i love my xH the way i love my best friend. and just like i won't develop romantic feelings for my best friend... the romantic feelings i had for my xH won't be back either.

 

when it's over and you're TRULY done - you just know. that's why i'm personally very comfortable in my friendly and cordial relationship with the X and so is he... we are truly done with each other. i think that's something your MM has yet to achieve.

[SammySammy]

I guess it depends on what you mean by "love". Is the only thing that separates your feelings for your ex and feelings for a gf the "in love"part? What happens if/when the "in love " feelings fade over time. Is your gf in same standing in your heart as your ex then? Maybe less even, since there's no bond of a child?

 

If "in love" feelings wax and wane, why could those in love feelings not come back w your ex? What's the difference?

 

There are different types of love. The love I feel for my ex is familial love, not romantic love.

 

I used to have romantic love for my ex-wife, but that is long gone. What has replaced it is a lot like the love I have for my daughter. Less intense, but still strong. Still very much real and present.

[HappyAgain2014]

The most important point here is his intentions. He's clearly not leaving his wife so I don't think anything else matters.

 

I don't like or love my ex-husband. At the same time, I didn't lie and cheat on him so I don't have any guilty feelings to manage.

 

A lot of people divorce and maintain a loving, respectful relationship after divorcing. Children bond a couple.

 

If you felt confident about his feelings for you, his feelings about his exwife wouldn't matter to you. Of course she's not his ex. That should tell you all you need to know.

[Lobe]

I concur that it is 100% possible to love and care about people and not be in love with them. If you feel threatened by his residual love for his wife - who "checked out" according to you - then clearly he is the wrong guy for you, too. But like all affairs, my guess is there are many pieces missing in the big picture. For starters, unless I missed it, he hasn't had a d-day. My WH was pretty sure I had "checked out" of our marriage when his A started, but the real story was that he had convinced himself (and xOW) that this was the case. In all actuality, I wasn't causing a fuss in my marriage because I thought we were OK. In a rut, sure - but still OK. Are you sure you have the whole story?

[norudder]

I concur that it is 100% possible to love and care about people and not be in love with them. If you feel threatened by his residual love for his wife - who "checked out" according to you - then clearly he is the wrong guy for you, too. But like all affairs, my guess is there are many pieces missing in the big picture. For starters, unless I missed it, he hasn't had a d-day. My WH was pretty sure I had "checked out" of our marriage when his A started, but the real story was that he had convinced himself (and xOW) that this was the case. In all actuality, I wasn't causing a fuss in my marriage because I thought we were OK. In a rut, sure - but still OK. Are you sure you have the whole story?

 

Yep, full story. She cheated first years ago and again with someone else. They both confessed in mc last year. She wants to have open M until both kids are out on own or she feels ready. Separated living together more accuratelay is what she said. She doesn't care what he does in mean time as long as kids aren't impacted. (like this isn't affecting them, but that's just my opinion). Sex w others, discrete dating etc and Ive seen the communications that verify.