Is this genuinely messed up or

[healthyhopes]

I thought I was done until I had a bad dream last night and spent the next hours from about 4 or 5 am till 10 am ruminating over everything that happened. I never told anyone the full story of the last night we were together because I really wanted him to be a good person, or at least not a bad one.

 

Please tell me if this is genuinely messed up because I keep doubting myself even though I'm sure it is...

To clarify, when he rejected me he didn't do anything wrong-- it's ok to not have feelings / to not want to date someone.

But, once I admitted to wanting all that, (this is the part i leave out when I tell people--) he was smiling, and when he thought I was about to cry (I let my watch slip for just a second) his smile grew a lot wider even as he reached for a tissue for me, like this was all making him so genuinely happy. I just felt so sick to my stomach.

You could tell he took it into his ego. Another example: when I asked a question he went off on a tangent to talk about himself and how he once dated a girl like 3 years older, just went on and on on a story about himself.

When I asked if it was an ego boost for him he said "well I mean, I won".

And then when he realized I didn't want to kiss him goodbye he tried to make me do it by walking me out of the car, telling me to hug him and then when I confusedly put my hands around in the hug position he moved them around his neck and was like "now say goodbye" while staring at my lips...

(I didn't kiss him. I patted his head and then took his arms off me and walked away without looking back)

 

And then shortly after he dated another girl and walked past where he knew I would be/my locker with her every other day.

 

Everytime we spoke (when we were a thing/before then too) I felt my self esteem getting lower... I read a lot of articles online about the dating game and "perceived value"... the theory is that people only want to date people that are at a value that is equal or above their own perceived value, not below... and it honestly made me feel so bad because I felt as if I had devalued myself by admitting to my anxieties and x y z but now I realize, through retrospect and stories others have said, that he's amazingly insecure and maybe the only reason I felt bad and of lower value is because he was subtly condescending the whole time....

^This is what it feels to me but I can't remember any exact specifics. I'm sure I was bad to him too and I hope I'm not just letting my hurt color in the past. But I feel that he was definitely condescending. And he was more than definitely misogynistic.

 

Last time we spoke we both took a lot off of our chests but I honestly can't find myself forgiving him after this, it hurt me so much, really messed me up for MONTHS... he even said he didn't remember much from that night, esp the "i won thing" and said a lot of very nice things that, though exactly what I would have wanted to hear, I can't believe... I regret forgiving him, I regret being so nice to him, I just feel sick....

Edited August 29, 2016 by healthyhopes

[Nox]

Honestly I think this guy is an ego maniac. Or a narcissist. Or borderline energy vampire. I know people can fall for jerks (or bitches) but this is an extreme. Get away from him and consider yourself lucky that he had no intention to be in a relationship with you.

 

Btw, I believe him when he says he doesn't remember the "I won" thing. Such statements and thinking are second nature to him, why would he remember it? Do you remember that time 2 months ago when you texted your friend to ask how she's doing? No? And you know why you don't remember it? It's a normal thing for you to do to do.

And there's a reason you were so freaked out by "I won" - two simple words that could have been entirely appropriate in a different context. You sensed something is extremely wrong with him. There is like "normal people wrong" and then there's this guy. Honestly he doesn't seem to me like just a regular guy getting an ego boost because someone likes him. Not even like a selfish and dishonest, but otherwise sane person. He's really messed up, and he uses people to feed his ego. Just avoid him altogether.

[healthyhopes]

Honestly I think this guy is an ego maniac. Or a narcissist. Or borderline energy vampire. I know people can fall for jerks (or bitches) but this is an extreme. Get away from him and consider yourself lucky that he had no intention to be in a relationship with you.

 

Btw, I believe him when he says he doesn't remember the "I won" thing. Such statements and thinking are second nature to him, why would he remember it? Do you remember that time 2 months ago when you texted your friend to ask how she's doing? No? And you know why you don't remember it? It's a normal thing for you to do to do.

And there's a reason you were so freaked out by "I won" - two simple words that could have been entirely appropriate in a different context. You sensed something is extremely wrong with him. There is like "normal people wrong" and then there's this guy. Honestly he doesn't seem to me like just a regular guy getting an ego boost because someone likes him. Not even like a selfish and dishonest, but otherwise sane person. He's really messed up, and he uses people to feed his ego. Just avoid him altogether.

 

 

I know this is a really late reply, and I hope my thread doesn't get bumped up to the top of the list in this forum; but thank you so much for this reply because it really helped me move on and even now, when I miss aspects of him or even the friendship, or feel bad about myself, I read this and my head is put on straight again.

[Mr Scorpio]

And then shortly after he dated another girl and walked past where he knew I would be/my locker with her every other day.

 

Yes his actions were a bit messed up. They were unfortunately also likely not uncommon. However, I like the quoted portion above because it makes me think that you have plenty of time to learn from this experience. You will develop an ability to keep people like this out of your life.

[Superchicken]

Well, seems you found him at the bottom of a grubby barrel.

Time to move you standards back to where they belong, and pick from the top..

Everyone is entitled to get the best they can.

I recommend you laugh at what you had, and smile at what you will get.

 

 

The fact that you can elaborate your thoughts into words and express them in well laid out sentences speaks volumes of the mistake you made in allowing him into your life, then lowering yourself to his standards.

Mind you, I'm a dude too, (A Superchicken actually), but not all of us are like that moron.

 

 

Every time you think of him, make sure you say to yourself, "What was I thinking".

 

 

Ted.

[healthyhopes]

Thanks for all your help guys. Today I woke up two hours earlier than I should have, and for no reason just started to think about all the bad things related to him. This hasn't happened for a whiiiiile and I think maybe attributed to a half-dream state and lack of sleep? I can look at a picture of him and feel nothing, but then when I think back to the past a gross feeling bubbles up. I can't help but wonder why he did what he did and whether he's nicer to his current girlfriend when in reality it doesn't matter and he probably isn't.

I guess I just have to keep remembering that the bad things one does represents them more than it does you, but still. He really messed me up.

 

I'll be forget about him again within the hour probably but it was a rude awakening :/

[healthyhopes]

I had to write this somewhere but felt making a new thread was too much!!

 

Yesterday, I was walking with one of my friends in a park by our houses. We were talking about the past (we are both home for the summer, and a lot has changed since then), and especially about people we used to know. I said, "you know, it's interesting. I've run into literally everyone I could have ever ran into but not (This evil specific ex who I've written about in this thread). And my brother even says he goes to the same gym! Even some other friends have saw him around! And I've seen his friends, but never him! Thank god."

 

We walked and talked a little more.The conversation changed to another ex who I had run into at work, and that I was ok seeing them, despite the fact that it didn't end amicably. "But there's one person," I said, "That I would never want to run into. I hate seeing him, I hate thinking about him, I never want to be around him again, like--"

And I was just about to say his name, when for some reason I looked behind me, and there he was; the evil ex who I thought I would never get over.

 

"Hey is that ... Healthy Hopes?"

I don't remember if I responded.

"What are you doing here?"

I don't remember if I responded to this either.

"How are you?" (He asked)

"Good. How are you?"

"I'm good." And then I said: "Bye." And I let him say "bye" in response, and pass me, and he sped up awkwardly as if he was running away. There was some strange and forceful movement as he darted past. He was definitely feeling awkward. It was the strangest thing in the entire world. He seemed so friendly and as if he wanted to talk. I can't believe that after so many months of pining over this kid, wanting to run into him and talk to him, that it would be like this. I gave him the cold shoulder (Though when I asked the friend I was with, she said it seemed like two acquaintances running into each other, friendly; nothing more, nothing less) and cut him off from the conversation first.

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel so good right now. I'm so glad I ever moved on from someone who I thought I would never get over. Maybe this seems insignificant and small to an outsider. But I would never have believed that this would ever happen.

[Lazy Fox]

The one and only time i saw my ex cry actually made me somewhat happy. I suppressed it and didn't feel the need to laugh, but seeing her cry made me realise that she really did care about me and about us.

I know it sounds messed up, and i felt bad for feeling happy, and i also felt very upset for her - seeing her cry was horrible, but part of me was happy that i meant enough to cry over.

[Lazy Fox]

I had to write this somewhere but felt making a new thread was too much!!

 

Yesterday, I was walking with one of my friends in a park by our houses. We were talking about the past (we are both home for the summer, and a lot has changed since then), and especially about people we used to know. I said, "you know, it's interesting. I've run into literally everyone I could have ever ran into but not (This evil specific ex who I've written about in this thread). And my brother even says he goes to the same gym! Even some other friends have saw him around! And I've seen his friends, but never him! Thank god."

 

We walked and talked a little more.The conversation changed to another ex who I had run into at work, and that I was ok seeing them, despite the fact that it didn't end amicably. "But there's one person," I said, "That I would never want to run into. I hate seeing him, I hate thinking about him, I never want to be around him again, like--"

And I was just about to say his name, when for some reason I looked behind me, and there he was; the evil ex who I thought I would never get over.

 

"Hey is that ... Healthy Hopes?"

I don't remember if I responded.

"What are you doing here?"

I don't remember if I responded to this either.

"How are you?" (He asked)

"Good. How are you?"

"I'm good." And then I said: "Bye." And I let him say "bye" in response, and pass me, and he sped up awkwardly as if he was running away. There was some strange and forceful movement as he darted past. He was definitely feeling awkward. It was the strangest thing in the entire world. He seemed so friendly and as if he wanted to talk. I can't believe that after so many months of pining over this kid, wanting to run into him and talk to him, that it would be like this. I gave him the cold shoulder (Though when I asked the friend I was with, she said it seemed like two acquaintances running into each other, friendly; nothing more, nothing less) and cut him off from the conversation first.

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel so good right now. I'm so glad I ever moved on from someone who I thought I would never get over. Maybe this seems insignificant and small to an outsider. But I would never have believed that this would ever happen.

 

It seems that you were anxious about eventually seeing him again, and when it actually happened it was all easier and better than expected. Kinda like when a kid is scared to go on a rollercoaster, goes on it and then wants to go on again because they actually really enjoyed it?

[healthyhopes]

The one and only time i saw my ex cry actually made me somewhat happy. I suppressed it and didn't feel the need to laugh, but seeing her cry made me realise that she really did care about me and about us.

I know it sounds messed up, and i felt bad for feeling happy, and i also felt very upset for her - seeing her cry was horrible, but part of me was happy that i meant enough to cry over.

 

Gosh, I'm not sure what to feel about this. I think that was why he was smiling. But it still messed me up for a very long time.

[healthyhopes]

It seems that you were anxious about eventually seeing him again, and when it actually happened it was all easier and better than expected. Kinda like when a kid is scared to go on a rollercoaster, goes on it and then wants to go on again because they actually really enjoyed it?

 

I guess I was. I was above all things shocked that he appeared behind me right when I was about to mention his name. Such an interesting coincidence that I would run into him then.

To be honest, it was extremely hard to speak! Though I felt no coldness, no hot flashes, did not tremor, was not psychically nervous in any sense. Afterwards, I admit I pestered my friend constantly over whether he had heard me talk badly about him, and if I pulled the situation off well.

Today, however, I feel so much better. He treated me so so so poorly and completely shattered my heart. I was wrecked for months. I did not deserve that. He did not deserve any enthusiasm on my part to speak to him.

(OR at least-- that's what I'm going to tell myself)

[Lazy Fox]

I guess I was. I was above all things shocked that he appeared behind me right when I was about to mention his name. Such an interesting coincidence that I would run into him then.

To be honest, it was extremely hard to speak! Though I felt no coldness, no hot flashes, did not tremor, was not psychically nervous in any sense. Afterwards, I admit I pestered my friend constantly over whether he had heard me talk badly about him, and if I pulled the situation off well.

Today, however, I feel so much better. He treated me so so so poorly and completely shattered my heart. I was wrecked for months. I did not deserve that. He did not deserve any enthusiasm on my part to speak to him.

(OR at least-- that's what I'm going to tell myself)

 

Sounds like you did nothing wrong then, so stop worrying and continue moving on with your life!

It sounds like it was a huge coincidence but maybe it was meant to happen, if you believe in fate.

It's also good that you're remembering all the wrong he did to you, but don't think about it too much (easier said than done, i know).

[healthyhopes]

ALMOST 2 YEARS AFTER IT ENDED, and about 1 year after I officially moved on, I got a message from him: "How you been? It's been a while."

 

AND I FELT NOTHING (well-- briefly some nausea), and DIDN'T REPLY.

 

I had spent months and months aching for any sort of contact, validation, sign of love from him. And now when he does reach out, I can't care less.

 

<--- me bein in love w myself