Marc878 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Sadly, I still love her more than anything, and if she ever woke up one day and realized what she'd done and wanted to come back, I don't think I would turn her away. Part of me feels like she's going through something crazy and that she will come out of it. But another part of me feels like she's gone forever and that she loves this guy because maybe they have more in common. I don't know. Women find weakness very unnattractive. You are in love with who you thought she was. Her actions have told you who she really is. You need to wake up to reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Op, what a truly awful experience your going through. Not only have you experienced a double betrayal, you're witnessing everyone around you treating the situation as if you're in the wrong. Here's the thing: you're not in the wrong. At the end of the day people behave in a manner that's easier for them, especially family. You've no idea what they really think. So what should you do? You grieve, you look after yourself and you give yourself time to heal. Of course, you still love her but I'd strongly recommend that you do not let your wife know this, under any circumstances. You can be polite for the sake of your son but don't fall into the trap of begging her or showing her how hurt you really are. You want her to believe that you're doing well. Look good when you see her and behave as if you are doing really well. By the time she realises her mistake, you won't want her anymore. You will be ok and will look back at this someday with thanks that it happened. Grant her the divorce if that's what she wants and look forward to a happier future. It will happen even though it doesn't feel like it at this moment in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Ps. Another poster already said the best form of revenge is to live your life well. Best wishes x Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 You'll never get the answer to your question "why?" as there is no answer that will ever make sense or comfort you. You're getting consistent and valuable advice here. Consider it along with the fact that many of the posters have BTDT (been there done that) so they aren't just blowing smoke or pontificating like a bunch of college professors who have never actually done what they claim to be teaching about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 This. One of the reasons I respect my husband and remain sexually attracted to him is he is not here for my BS. My husband would never tolerate his wife having an affair. He won't even put up with an undeserved negative tone in my voice! I love my husband for this. Women do not respect men who allow us to take awful liberties. We respect Alpha males who call us out and demand the best. I have to disagree with this. While I do find weakness very unattractive (in ANYONE, not just my fiancé), I'd be completely turned off if he acted like this. I'm his partner, not his child..he doesn't get to discipline me. If he doesn't like something I'm doing, we discuss it..he doesn't decide on his own whether or not I continue doing it. We are equals. You're entitled to your preferences but please don't generalize and say that ALL women like domineering alpha males who tell us what to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I have to disagree with this. While I do find weakness very unattractive (in ANYONE, not just my fiancé), I'd be completely turned off if he acted like this. I'm his partner, not his child..he doesn't get to discipline me. If he doesn't like something I'm doing, we discuss it..he doesn't decide on his own whether or not I continue doing it. We are equals. You're entitled to your preferences but please don't generalize and say that ALL women like domineering alpha males who tell us what to do. Telling your partner that you will not put up with being spoken to disrespectfully is not being "disciplined like a child." It's just polite communication and boundary setting. We are all guilty of being rude when we should not be. I would hope that you and your husband would not silently condone that kind of behavior from each other. My husband is not given to the same amount of unnecessary harshness that I am but when he forgets, I also remind him that I will not be spoken to in a manner which is brusque. I know that most women bristle at the mere thought of a man setting boundaries with them. They look for reasons to feel subjugated when it's really just someone being honest about what they are willing to accept. I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to say "Don't tell me what to do!" just to show that I am an adult. In fact, I think that response sounds like the "You're not the boss of me!" of a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 My ex-wife also had a crush on my best friend. I knew it at the time. I even brought it up to her during our marriage and her reaction was to start crying. Very strange. She also did the whole thing where she wanted to set him up with one of her relatives. I'm sure psychologists would say this is just a sign that THEY want to get set up with the person. Anyway, shortly after my divorce I found out (from my best friend) that she was contacting him for business/trade advice--but come on we all know what that's about. Fortunately my friend is a man of honor and he didn't continue to communicate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 If the divorce hasn't been filed yet the go find a lawyer, file, have her served and let your lawyer do the talking. In the meantime you have a child and nothing is more important then being a good father. That should be you priority. as far as her, move on. There's nothing more disturbing then being with someone you can't trust. Let her be with this guy. Between the both of them, you can take him and her, put them in a bag, shake it up, empty it and couldn't come up with one person with any type of value. Not to mention that if this guy thinks that he won by getting your wife, then he isn't a very smart person. She could do the same thing to him in a heartbeat so let them have each other but make sure you have all your rights to your child. If you have to pick your kid up, then do so without any conversation with either unless it's about the kid and nothing else. In other words move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ttherrera Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Let her go and move on. You should not get stuck with a women whom do you respect and even have an affair with your friend. No matter how much you lover her, you cannot do anything with it. In the future she might come back to you. But remember, if she cheats you once, it's going to be twice, thrice, and more. Move on and live you life. One day you will find the right one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 My ex-wife also had a crush on my best friend. I knew it at the time. I even brought it up to her during our marriage and her reaction was to start crying. Very strange. She also did the whole thing where she wanted to set him up with one of her relatives. I'm sure psychologists would say this is just a sign that THEY want to get set up with the person. Anyway, shortly after my divorce I found out (from my best friend) that she was contacting him for business/trade advice--but come on we all know what that's about. Fortunately my friend is a man of honor and he didn't continue to communicate. I'm so sorry that you went through that. It's very inappropriate to develop a crush on a spouse's friend or family member. People who experience such feelings should focus on letting them go. I'm happy that your friend was loyal to you. OP, my heart breaks for your situation. I'm wondering if you can move to the nearest larger city to get a new start. That way, you won't be too far from your child but you will be able to meet other friends and women who are not from your small town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 OP, my heart breaks for your situation. I'm wondering if you can move to the nearest larger city to get a new start. That way, you won't be too far from your child but you will be able to meet other friends and women who are not from your small town. Thank you. Unfortunately, I own a house in this town, so moving is not that easy to accomplish. I'm really stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Wow, KLegacy... I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It really is terrible, what is happening to you. I have found myself in a somewhat similar situation, in that we just moved to a new town at the end of 2015, and my STBX announced her intention to leave at the end of May. I am *stuck* in this new town, where I know very few people, and my nearest family is about an hour away. As we split, I am taking 50% custody of our two daughters. I have found that my time is entirely consumed with this new enterprise of "single parenting" - between drop offs, pickups, commuting to work, running the household alone, ect... Well, I have very little time to feel sad or angry or anything, really. Perhaps there is some level of denial going on, but I guess what I am suggesting is that if you immerse yourself in your role as a father, you will not only be doing the right thing, but you will be bringing joy to yourself and to your son, and you will be eliminating those quiet, alone moments when you are most susceptible to sadness and anxiety. Don't worry about moving, or selling your house, or whether your friends are with you or against you - just worry about you and your son. There will be time to sort out all of the practical concerns later, but you will never get another chance at being a father to your two year old boy. Don't miss out on that because of your ex, don't let her take that from you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 I have been trying. I play in a band that gives me some distraction, but most days (and it's been 4 months) I am suffering. This situation causes me daily pain that I cannot seem to escape from. What makes it even more stressful, is our current custody schedule not chosen by any agreement or court, is an exchange of our son almost daily. I constantly have to have some form of communication with her and even see her most mornings before work when I drop him off. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Whoa!!!! That's brutal. Can you both agree to weekly. If you can do that and a modified 180 it'll help you tremendously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 If you haven't you need to lawyer up and file for divorce. Get the custody in place, etc 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 What makes it even more stressful, is our current custody schedule not chosen by any agreement or court, is an exchange of our son almost daily. I constantly have to have some form of communication with her and even see her most mornings before work when I drop him off. This is awful and will keep you in a state of pain. If I were you I would pay someone to pick up and drop off the kids. You do not need to see her or him until you get your footing back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 This is awful and will keep you in a state of pain. If I were you I would pay someone to pick up and drop off the kids. You do not need to see her or him until you get your footing back. I want to switch to week-to-week basis but she flipped out at that idea because she thinks a week is too long to go without seeing him. Honestly, I think she just wants the freedom to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, and is scared that if custody schedule changes, she won't have as much. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 why didn't you go to the court - if i can ask? when do you plan to file the papers and seek a custody schedule? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 why didn't you go to the court - if i can ask? when do you plan to file the papers and seek a custody schedule? Between having anxiety every time I think about it, and the cost to do so, I just haven't. I started with one lawyer to get a separation agreement done up but the guy was useless and was having me do all the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Telling your partner that you will not put up with being spoken to disrespectfully is not being "disciplined like a child." It's just polite communication and boundary setting. We are all guilty of being rude when we should not be. I would hope that you and your husband would not silently condone that kind of behavior from each other. My husband is not given to the same amount of unnecessary harshness that I am but when he forgets, I also remind him that I will not be spoken to in a manner which is brusque. I know that most women bristle at the mere thought of a man setting boundaries with them. They look for reasons to feel subjugated when it's really just someone being honest about what they are willing to accept. I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to say "Don't tell me what to do!" just to show that I am an adult. In fact, I think that response sounds like the "You're not the boss of me!" of a child. When your husband dies I'll marry you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Thank you. Unfortunately, I own a house in this town, so moving is not that easy to accomplish. I'm really stuck. Can you sell your house or rent it out? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I want to switch to week-to-week basis but she flipped out at that idea because she thinks a week is too long to go without seeing him. Honestly, I think she just wants the freedom to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, and is scared that if custody schedule changes, she won't have as much. Why is this only her decision? You let her control you and this situation way to much. Why????? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Between having anxiety every time I think about it, and the cost to do so, I just haven't. I started with one lawyer to get a separation agreement done up but the guy was useless and was having me do all the work. You need to get out of the infidelity. Waiting for her to just comback puts your life on hold. Besides you at this point are just a maybe plan B. Why are you giving her all that power over you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Read "No a More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. You need to get strong and file for divorce. Forget separation. If adultery is considered in your state I'd use that. They are rubbing your nose in this badly. Can you not see that? Cmon man get some respect back for youself. Your life is what you make it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 I read through No More Mr Nice Guy. I know I need to stand up for myself. She makes me feel like crap on a near-daily basis, makes me feel like I don't have as many rights as a father as she does as a mother. Ripped me apart yesterday because when I picked up my son from her, I didn't acknowledge her or say "hi" to her. Like I owe her anything after what she did? Link to post Share on other sites
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