Author klegacy Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 You don't owe her answers about how you raise the child. Be perfectly clear with her when she asks "I don't owe you answers"! Yes, you are allowed to raise your child how you wish - you don't need her approval. Well, I agree and disagree. He's still young, almost 2 1/2 years old. Making sure we're co-parenting in similar ways so as not to confuse him makes sense, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 ^^^^^ What S2B said! My ex seems to struggle with this too. It is all well and good for her to tell me what is up with the kids, and to share with my how she is parenting, and to even ask or suggest things that I might do. After all, it is best for the kids if she and I work in concert. HOWEVER: what she cannot do is to tell me how to parent, to dictate how things must be done, or to set expectations with our kids about what to expect from me. Our exes lost any right to influence us and how we parent the day that they walked out the door. So long as you are not endangering your child, she can simply STFU. Period. You don't need to be a jerk about how you assert yourself in this regard, but if my experience is any guide, it won't really matter: she will view you as being a jerk simply because you refuse to be a door mat. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 If she is seeing/dating another man openly why can't you file for adultery. I'm not familiar with Canadian laws but it seems pretty blatant. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 She has left you. Trying to maintain anything other than minimum contact about the child will get you nothing other than a low status with her. She doesn't respect you and your availability for her at this time tells her you don't expect any and can be treated as she pleases. Trying to nice her back won't work. Is that what you're trying to do? Allowing this to continue can cause you physical as well as mental health issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 There lies my main problem - I've been told different ways I should be acting/handling it. Being rude just makes her attack more and gives her ammo when lawyers are involved. Being nice makes her think she can get whatever she wants and that what she did wasn't wrong. So I've been giving one-word text replies and only when its a question about our son, and I don't reply right away. Usually a day or two later. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 That's correct. Civil but short. Only about your son. Ignore anything else. I'd never answer her phone calls directly. Let it go to voicemail then if it's pertinate to your son. Text a response Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 That's correct. Civil but short. Only about your son. Ignore anything else. I'd never answer her phone calls directly. Let it go to voicemail then if it's pertinate to your son. Text a response Luckily there hasn't been any phone calls lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Luckily there hasn't been any phone calls lately. Doesn't matter. Just don't answer. Listen to the voicemail Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Klegacy, the 180 is designed for you to detach in order for you to move on and have a good life. It won't happen overnight but you will get there. Look at it this way. You deserve better than she could ever provide Abd you'll find in time there are better out there as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It may not seem like it now but you take control of yourself and your life you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am trying my best, for sure. Would be great if I wasn't so alone all the time though. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Get an interest. Join a gym, take some fun classes in something you always liked or wanted to do. Get yourself off the couch!!!! You can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Canada is no fault so tell her if we can agree to adultery we can get this divorce through quicker. Hell if it doesn't matter financially or with custody I'd tell her I'll admit to adultery just to get out of this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 She won't admit to it. She won't admit to anything she did, really. She has this massive need to have the whole world like her and think she's perfect and that her life is all roses and whatnot. She's already made me look like a bad person, I don't really want to start admitting to bad things that I've not actually done. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Then you have to take the long road. 180 hard and you'll be ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted October 28, 2016 Author Share Posted October 28, 2016 Just a small update... I handed her the separation agreement in August. It's the end of October with no reply/rebuttle of any kind. The in-person exchanges of our son, I don't say a single word to her. Text messages are few and far between, only about son or money. No phone calls. I've been trying to get back out there, date, whatever. Hasn't been going so well. Common thing people have said is that I'm "off the board for consideration because you're a separated single dad". The latest lie I've heard going around is that she's trying to say now that I was "borderline abusive". She's basically taken all of her father-issues and thrown them on me. I was never physically abusive, I never yelled (except once, both drunk, found out about her talking to guys and we both got overly emotional in the conversation), only raised voices from both parties in heated arguments. Never threw things, never hit things. I always praised her. But if I was unhappy for one reason or another, that was immediately looked at as emotional abuse because of what she went through with her father. I try to detach myself from anything related to her. And most days I fair alright. But some days I'm just really, really tired of there being no justice in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Do a bit of exposure to friends and family. Just the plain barebones facts. She's started cheating/lying Date/who, etc. It'll get you some closure to get your story out. Maybe annoy her enough to get the paperwork started, etc. Just make sure you don't take any crap from her. No warning and do it all at once. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Can you go ahead and file the paperwork? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I handed her the separation agreement in August. It's the end of October with no reply/rebuttle of any kind. The in-person exchanges of our son, I don't say a single word to her. Text messages are few and far between, only about son or money. No phone calls. Klegacy, This is no small update. It's huge for you. It makes you feel better to take that control back doesn't it? You have gotten stronger. Stay there!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 She's probably PO'd because she's lost control of you. Never give that back. There are way better out there. Long term you'll have a better brighter future. You just have to get through it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 But some days I'm just really, really tired of there being no justice in this. These is justice, you just have to be the one to find it. Old but true saying - living well is the best revenge... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
aurelius99 Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 I struggled with this - the ex presenting herself as if everything is wonderful. She has her wonderful new job, our kids are totally well adjusted, and all is right with the world. She went so far as to chastise me for any of my activity on social media that might reveal any of the actual truth. There was long stretch where I wanted to chime in on every Facebook post that she made, to sprinkle in some "reality". Somehow I resisted the impulse each time. Looking back now, I realize, what would be the point? She can *say* she is happy, and she can *post* happy pictures to Facebook, but none of that really matters. None of that has anything to do with whether she is actually happy, and certainly has no bearing on whether I should be happy. Or, so I keep telling myself, and it is helping. What is also helping is a visit with some friends and family that I had this weekend. I took my girls to a birthday party. When the kids were outside playing, one of the mom's asked how I was doing? Had I moved to an apartment? I said, no, their mom moved out. The house is mine, and for the moment, I am staying. No sooner had the words left my mouth, a collective cheer erupted from the group. They went on to elaborate, and essentially all of them agreed that what my ex had done was bad enough, but if she had made a play for my house as well, that would have been beyond the pale. It was gratifying to hear that, despite her rosy Facebook posts, the people who know us were able to discern the real scoop. I imagine the same is true for you, even if it doesn't feel that way. Consider that a little victory. BTW, love your screenname from The Lorax. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 Ask her why it's not signed and returned yet? Tell her to hurry up because you plan to get this over with. I'm going to. Part of me obviously still doesn't want to push. But the other part of me is slowly realizing more everyday that she was/is basically a sociopath. No empathy, no responsibility for actions, always has to have everyone like her and think her life is perfect, pushes blame onto others, etc. I'm still deeply hurt by all this. But at least now I don't live day-to-day in massive anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I'm going to. Part of me obviously still doesn't want to push. But the other part of me is slowly realizing more everyday that she was/is basically a sociopath. No empathy, no responsibility for actions, always has to have everyone like her and think her life is perfect, pushes blame onto others, etc. I'm still deeply hurt by all this. But at least now I don't live day-to-day in massive anxiety. I think of your situation from time to time. I hope you will gain back that positive outlook in life. You WILL get through this, and will come to a point where you'll be glad you ditched her. Hang in there. The surprise in your life is yet to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klegacy Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 I think of your situation from time to time. I hope you will gain back that positive outlook in life. You WILL get through this, and will come to a point where you'll be glad you ditched her. Hang in there. The surprise in your life is yet to come. Thank you. I hope you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
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