Wife Left for Best Friend

[Marc878]

She referenced that it would be financially crushing if it was split right now, which could affect what she is able to provide my son. I told her that I understand but only to a certain extent. That I'm willing to wait a month or two longer, but that's it.

 

Poor muffin

 

She's cake eating. Let her other man that she's having an affair with pay the difference. You're allowing her to continue playing you. Why are you making this your problem? People treat you like you let them.

[Marc878]

She referenced that it would be financially crushing if it was split right now, which could affect what she is able to provide my son. I told her that I understand but only to a certain extent. That I'm willing to wait a month or two longer, but that's it.

 

This isn't about your son. It's all about her. She's having an affair, belittling you to your face, posting how great her life and new man are.

 

You are helping finance their affair!!!! In effect your actions or lack of actions are enabling them at your expense.

 

Stop!!!!! Cancel the insurance and get your own. Let her figure her end out. Quit letting her play you.

[The_Onceler]

She referenced that it would be financially crushing if it was split right now, which could affect what she is able to provide my son. I told her that I understand but only to a certain extent. That I'm willing to wait a month or two longer, but that's it.

 

I feel for you. It will always be hard to differentiate between enabling the ex and supporting your children.

 

I typically try to ask myself a few questions in order to get some perspective:

 

(1) If the situation were reversed, how would my ex respond?

 

It was really telling, a quite liberating, when I realized at one point in this process that my ex was demanding treatment from me that she would NEVER have reciprocated on. At one point, she and I were arguing, and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I pointed out to her all the ways that I was helping her, and pointed out that she would NEVER treat me as well, if our situations were reversed. She knew it was true, and didn't even attempt to argue the point. Nothing materially changed in that instant, but for me, it was a HUGE sea change.

 

 

(2) What is it REALLY costing me to continue (in dollars and cents)?

 

If I stand to realize only a small gain in exchange for her suffering a great loss, then I tend to be more understanding. However, if by changing your insurance situation, you stand to gain in direct proportion to what she stands to lose, then you really need to act in your own best interest and stop supporting her. If part of the outcome is that your child suffers in some way, I am sure you will feel better about stepping up to help your child directly, as opposed to helping indirectly as the result of this *extortion* that you are experiencing now.

 

 

(3) What is it costing me in terms of my emotional well being?

 

Sort of the same point again: it feels bad and is bad for you psyche to allow yourself to be taken advantage of by your ex. It keeps you in a bad place emotionally. It is far better to be in control of your situation (to the extent that you can). For arguments sake, lets say you are subsidizing your ex's life by $500 per month. There is a vast difference between having $500 taken from you as opposed to giving $500 per month towards the support of your children. It is $500 no matter how you slice it, but your experience of it will be world's apart.

 

 

Good luck!

[klegacy]

I am only understanding to a certain point. If we split the car insurance into new policies, mine will go up $10, but hers will go up almost $200. So I get why she's not wanting to do that yet. But I also told her that I wouldn't be waiting forever for it to change, and that her finances are no longer my responsibility.

[klegacy]

Almost 3 weeks now, no sign of separation agreement anywhere.

[Marc878]

Cake eating.

[Samhain]

I am only understanding to a certain point. If we split the car insurance into new policies, mine will go up $10, but hers will go up almost $200. So I get why she's not wanting to do that yet. But I also told her that I wouldn't be waiting forever for it to change, and that her finances are no longer my responsibility.

 

 

Split it now. Your son will not suffer, and if she can't provide for him, he has a father who can. She is using him as an excuse to keep you over a barrel.

 

Women who walk all over men and treat them like door mats do so because that's what the man has shown he will accept from her.

 

She seeks men who have a weak demeanour and won't fight her back. If you suddenly began taking control she wouldn't know what hit her.

 

I guarantee you she is more than aware that should she wish to return you'd accept her back with loving arms. She's using that knowledge against you to keep you where she wants you so she can take advantage for as long as possible to suit her own needs. You are allowing this.

 

Women respect men who show strength and preservation instead of laying back like a door mat. Show her she isn't your responsibility anymore and that you're not going to take her crap anymore. Don't even communicate with her about it, just split the insurance ASAP and let her affair partner know what he's in for with this woman when she starts sponging off of him.

 

Look after your health and fitness and show her you're moving on with your life and that your only concern as far as communication with her goes is for your son. As soon as she starts to realise that you are no longer sitting alone pining for her she might have a very different perspective of you and will stop trying to use you.

 

Maybe you should be the one to get the ball rolling. If you have to pay a little extra money it's going to be small in comparison to getting your confidence back and feeling like you're in control of your own life again.

 

Then as soon as legalities begin there will be custody rules in place and you will no longer have to put up with being without your son on special occasions because they'll be split between you. Again, not even something I'd communicate with her about. Just do it. Be the man who's in control of his own life and show her someone who is strong and has self respect, not someone willing to let her walk up and down on him at her leisure.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Klegacy, maybe it's time you got a lawyer involved in getting your separation agreement signed. You have been patient enough now you have to become proactive in your own interest. Just getting the separation agreement will be a big boost for your morale and a bit of a downer for her. I think you have given her more than enough leeway and you should now claim some control back from her.

Also, as far as the insurance thing goes, pull the rug from under her feet. Warm wishes.

[springy]

This isn't about your son. It's all about her. She's having an affair, belittling you to your face, posting how great her life and new man are.

 

You are helping finance their affair!!!! In effect your actions or lack of actions are enabling them at your expense.

 

Stop!!!!! Cancel the insurance and get your own. Let her figure her end out. Quit letting her play you.

 

I agree with this. You've got to put some muscle into this. Your son will be fine, you will take care of any of his needs, should he really be in lack. You are buying into all the manipulation being shot your way. Cut her off.

[Aliceislost]

Guys he will not listen to any of you. No matter how sage, how his-interest-in-heart advice you give to him.

 

If he wanted divorce, he would have filed.

 

If he wanted divorce, he would have cancelled any financial obligation to her.

 

He is still holding on to the notion of a false love, he is still in the "she is lost" mode. He has no pride, no dignity to walk away from this toxic limbo. And you guys cant help him on that over the internet.

 

Its pointless talking to him. He is just using you guys as the ego kibbles that he is currently not getting in any other relationship in his life at this point.

 

He will only wake up months later when his wife has screwed him over in a divorce and then he will cry here that how you were all tight but he didn't listen.

 

Stop giving him the ego kibbles.

[Aliceislost]

Guys he will not listen to any of you. No matter how sage, how his-interest-in-heart advice you give to him.

 

If he wanted divorce, he would have filed.

 

If he wanted divorce, he would have cancelled any financial obligation to her.

 

He is still holding on to the notion of a false love, he is still in the "she is lost" mode. He has no pride, no dignity to walk away from this toxic limbo. And you guys cant help him on that over the internet.

 

I bet he is not that good looking either, thats why he is still so hung up on the woman that left him. You all know the reason why that happens

 

Its pointless talking to him. He is just using you guys as the ego kibbles that he is currently not getting in any other relationship in his life at this point.

 

He will only wake up months later when his wife has screwed him over in a divorce and then he will cry here that how you were all right but he didn't listen.

 

Stop giving him the ego kibbles.

[klegacy]

I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

I am following everyone's advice. I am splitting the insurance this month. And my lawyer will be contacting hers in regards to the separation agreement.

 

I will be honest, there is still a part of me that wonders if she is just lost and will find her way back. But that part of me has shrunk greatly over the past several months. It is like a 5% amount now, whereas the rest of me just sees her for who she is: A lying, cheating, sadistic, manipulative, cruel child.

[Marc878]

The problem with waiting for her to maybe change back is she doesn't have to.

She is cake eating and getting away with it. Why would she change anything?

 

People do and treat you based on what they can get by with for the most part.

 

This has gone on awhile and her words and actions are telling you who she is.

 

You should believe her by now.

 

Plus strength is attractive weakness is not.

[klegacy]

The problem with waiting for her to maybe change back is she doesn't have to.

She is cake eating and getting away with it. Why would she change anything?

 

People do and treat you based on what they can get by with for the most part.

 

This has gone on awhile and her words and actions are telling you who she is.

 

You should believe her by now.

 

Plus strength is attractive weakness is not.

 

I'm not really waiting anymore. I know who she really is. I know the person I loved doesn't actually exist, not anymore anyway. I was only reluctant on the insurance bit, because I wouldn't want her to try and twist it in court or something, saying that I purposely tried to financially destroy her and our son.

[klegacy]

Almost every day or every second day, she sends a text about something. I never reply. I don't understand why she can't just p!ss off already. I understand if it's something about our son, but not anything else.

[The_Onceler]

Almost every day or every second day, she sends a text about something. I never reply. I don't understand why she can't just p!ss off already. I understand if it's something about our son, but not anything else.

 

I *so* feel your pain. I was just thinking this very same thing. We maintain a 2-2-3 schedule, so we hand off the kids every 2 or 3 days. As a result, we have a certain minimum of communication to keep each other informed about basic health and well-being issues.

 

But it doesn't end there - on no!

 

Since this past weekend, she has been texting and emailing me because she wanted for the two of us to sit down and divvy up our accumulated collection of Christmas wrapping paper, bows, tags, etc. All of that had been left up in the attic in my house after she moved out. I didn't want to have to spend time with her, so I just gave her the stuff that she seemed most interested in (based upon her messages to me). I gave her more than half of the stuff.

 

But she wanted to be involved in the process, so she had been pestering me. She literally complained that I was being unreasonable by refusing to sit with her to divvy up 8 rolls of wrapping paper.

 

8 rolls of paper!!

 

 

 

Sorry - this was not supposed to be about me. I guess that while I don't have any idea WHY they need to do this to us, perhaps you might feel better to know that you are not alone in this regard.

[klegacy]

Haha I hear you. And that is absolutely ridiculous. Luckily I haven't gotten any requests like that. Everything has already pretty much been divided. And I put my foot down on other items that she was requesting payment for. Told her that she left me with a house full of bills and credit cards and animals and that I wouldn't be paying her another dime for anything.

[Marc878]

Almost every day or every second day, she sends a text about something. I never reply. I don't understand why she can't just p!ss off already. I understand if it's something about our son, but not anything else.

 

She's looking for ego kibbles. Let her starve. 180, 180, 180!!!!!

[BluEyeL]

My situation is not exactly like yours but I was also betrayed by my ex husband and I was stupid and I allowed him to come back, and guess what? I just dragged things off a few more years while he went back to doing the same thing he did, just with different people and in different circumstances. I'm worried that she's texting you, and I hope she's not going to have you delay things.

 

The sooner you divorce and get rid of her completely, the sooner you'll be able to rebuild your life and be happy again. I eventually did and the best revenge is that now I'm happier than ever and getting remarried while the ex is alone and started to beg to reconcile once he found out of the engagement. But I could have saved myself quite a lot of pain if I did not drag things on so long.

 

Just cut her off asap, be pushy, don't be nice and get her out of your life!

[klegacy]

I closed the old joint bank accounts today and simply told her that it was done and that she needs to take care of the car situation as soon as possible. With a firm "bye." So she wouldn't text back.

 

When I pick up my son from her today for the night, if she doesn't have a separation agreement to give me, I fear it will be at least another week before anything happens.

[Jersey born raised]

It always amazes friends in your situation how accurately I can state how the ex's current relationship is going based on the behavior you describe. When a WS or exWS texts or asks you something ask yourself why isn't she asking this of the current person. If the answer is not clear ask yourself: they moved on, why is it so important to ask me this?

 

Recently a friend mentioned his ex (he is in Florida she is in CA) was complaining about skate boarders on her street and several other issues. I told him "don't listen, she is fighting with the current live in and using you to vent". A month later a son complained his him and the boyfriend where fighting.

[Marc878]

Klegacy

 

Look at it this way. The only way you could ever have anything with your wayward wife is if she appologized, beg for forgiveness and ask you to take her back promising to make this work and do everything she could to make this right. She doesn't have that in her.

 

Otherwise you'd have to live your life as her doormat.

 

Put this in perspective she's not worth your used azz wiping paper.

 

Get that beatch gone!!!!!!! A call girl or escort has more worth than she does.

[aliveagain]

Just my opinion but is it possible that your soon to be ex wife doesn't want a divorce but just a separation to try out your former best friend without feeling the guilt of an affair(remember one of your very early posts, she married for life because of her religious upbringing)? Perhaps he's not the upgrade she expected him to be and has since discovered just how bad his sh*t stinks? She now realizes she traded a man that unconditionally loves her child for one that will sleep with his best friends wife and only accepts her child because he is part of the package. You are not behaving the way she expected you to behave and now that things have gone this far she is at a loss on how to get out of this mess. You are supposed to be her best friend forever and that would explain why it has taken you 7 months to get to this point without any agreement. She never thought you would call her bluff. Find out from your lawyer if the Courts will take into consideration the seven months you have been separated(since she is living with her new boyfriend) leaving you only a 5 month wait until your final decree is issued?

[klegacy]

She shows no signs of having any form of regret or issue whatsoever. She's still moving forward doing whatever it is she's doing. Her random texts to me aren't like... trying to have good conversation or anything. She only texts to get something done (like close bank accounts) or when it's about our son.

 

I don't know any detail about her relationship with the guy. Hell, maybe they're not even together anymore and she's off to the next dude. I know my son's been coming home saying "friends house" the past couple days instead of the ex best friend's name. Beats me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

She's looking for ego kibbles. Let her starve. 180, 180, 180!!!!!

 

But 3 - 180's would leave him facing her again