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Wife Left for Best Friend

klegacy

By klegacy,
in Separation and Divorce

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Marc878

Marc878

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Can you file for divorce. I'd list adultery if it's applicable in your state. It will help you get some closure on this and at least give some finality of the situation.

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Cephalopod

Cephalopod

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This whole situation put me into a massive depression that my family doctor actually had to prescribe medication for. I've also lost over 60 pounds in the past 4 months because I haven't had the will to eat very often.

 

I am contemplating moving out of the city, back to my hometown where I have family, where I can heal from this. But it would mean giving up my current job, my band, and a significant amount of time I get to spend with my son. I just don't know what to do.

 

Meanwhile I'm hearing through the grapevine all the "happy life" posts she's been making online and all the family oriented things she's been doing with the OM and our son. Makes me sick.

 

Get a lawyer and fight for your rights.

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Steen719

Steen719

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I know it must be appealing to move home after such a terrible betrayal and feeling the need for some relief, but your son needs you and unless you are going to be able to see him frequently, that would be very sad.

 

You will feel better with time and help and living where you are now will not seem like such a bad thing for you. You will have your job, your band and most importantly, your son. He needs you and you need him. Don't make any decisions about this until you actually start to feel better. You will feel better. Really, you will.

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klegacy

klegacy

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I know it must be appealing to move home after such a terrible betrayal and feeling the need for some relief, but your son needs you and unless you are going to be able to see him frequently, that would be very sad.

 

You will feel better with time and help and living where you are now will not seem like such a bad thing for you. You will have your job, your band and most importantly, your son. He needs you and you need him. Don't make any decisions about this until you actually start to feel better. You will feel better. Really, you will.

 

I really wish I could believe that. This isn't a huge city, and I don't know how I would handle running into her and the OM.

 

I have a separation agreement drafted that I will give her. And a lawyer advised me not to move away for risk of losing rights to my child. This is brutal. I have to suffer alone in silence in this place.

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Marc878

Marc878

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If you can successfully detach (180) you'll be surprised at how much better you'll do. Get a gym membership and start working out. It'll help occupy your time and take your mind off things. You'll also sleep better.

 

Why a separation? You might be better off to file straight for divorce.

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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I really wish I could believe that. This isn't a huge city, and I don't know how I would handle running into her and the OM.

 

I have a separation agreement drafted that I will give her. And a lawyer advised me not to move away for risk of losing rights to my child. This is brutal. I have to suffer alone in silence in this place.

 

Well you can suffer or thrive in this place, the choice is yours. Living well usually ends up being the best revenge. It takes time for this, but when it happens you will know ;) Keep detaching!!!

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bigman1

bigman1

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OK. Let me be blunt, you don't have to suffer anything. Period. I e seen guys like you focus on how divorce and all is gonna screw you over and how it's all going to he'll. Stop. By an act of will, just stop.

 

This is a fight. Get a lawyer who knows how and is willing to fight and fight for every bit of everything. You are gonna lose money and some time with kids, but so will she. It's not all unicorns and rainbows for her in this divorce. Yeah, stop that separation talk unless you have to separate first in order to divorce. It's divorce. She was your heroin and you were addicted.

 

It's not easy, it's hard. But it's harder if you have a defeatist or martyr mindset. Be a warrior. Protect yourself, your kids, your assets, and go to battle. You don't have time to whine, she's gone. You lost 40 lbs, GREAT. You're in fighting shape. Now start fighting you don't need her back, you need her gone with her taking as little as possible.

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Logan787

Logan787

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I was never overly religious myself, but when all this happened, I reached out to a pastor friend, attended the churches and groups and prayed until I cried. But it hasn't helped me at all. If anything, I'm feeling worse as time passes. :(

 

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

 

Maybe you already have, but I would read and live in the book of Pslams if I were you. David and others who God wrote that book through, went through VERY heartbreaking and trying times, but they found their hope in God. You have already been shown that man deserts you. Not just speaking of your wife, but the friends and relatives you mentioned as well. I also agree with Mr. Lucky. She WILL do this to her new guy as well. She seems very fickle, shallow, and not very dedicated and her character will not change with a change of bed buddy. She is young and still has a lot of sexy years in her, and no way will she spend all that sexiness and youth and vitality on one man when she was so easily dissuaded and persuaded by your friend who really never was your friend. The new always wears off, and when it does with this guy like it did with you, some other guy will come along and bed and wed her. She kindly reminds me of the girl in the movie "Airplane" that kept telling every guy on the plane that she was a virgin and she didn't want to die a virgin if the plane was gonna go down. She ended up telling a lot of guys this, and the movie even shows a long line of guys standing and waiting their turn to do her. If you haven't seen the movie you should. If not just for the scene, then just for a good laugh, because I know you could use one. I think once you are over your hurt, you will be the one laughing in the end. My prayers are with you.

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klegacy

klegacy

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Just wanted to give an update... We switched our son's schedule to a week-to-week basis but because it gave her such anxiety about being away from him for that long, I still have to drop him off at her place before work a few days a week and pick him up.

 

I gave her a separation agreement last Thursday that I'm waiting on a response to.

 

I was offered a job in my hometown and I have no idea if I should take it and move or stay and try to continue dealing.

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mrs rubble

mrs rubble

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Just wanted to give an update... We switched our son's schedule to a week-to-week basis but because it gave her such anxiety about being away from him for that long, I still have to drop him off at her place before work a few days a week and pick him up.

 

I gave her a separation agreement last Thursday that I'm waiting on a response to.

 

I was offered a job in my hometown and I have no idea if I should take it and move or stay and try to continue dealing.

 

Her anxiety is not your problem. Do not jump to her commands. Do what suits you and your son.

Don't worry about things you can't change, especially what (you think) other people think about you. Worry only about what you can change, sometimes that is simply the way you look at a situation.

People will see through the lies, have faith that the people who know you will see this. I lost a load of sleep worrying about rumours my ex spread (I was poisoning him?! wtf!) my real friend pointed out I have no way of doing so and said so to me and to her source of the rumour, we laugh about it nowadays but it was brutal at the time. I feel for you. Have strength friend!!

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mrs rubble

mrs rubble

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Her anxiety is not your problem. Do not jump to her commands. Do what suits you and your son.

Don't worry about things you can't change, especially what (you think) other people think about you. Worry only about what you can change, sometimes that is simply the way you look at a situation.

People will see through the lies, have faith that the people who know you will see this. I lost a load of sleep worrying about rumours my ex spread (I was poisoning him?! wtf!) my real friend pointed out I have no way of doing so and said so to me and to her source of the rumour, we laugh about it nowadays but it was brutal at the time. I feel for you. Have strength friend!!

Don't move away until you get your ducks in a row. Can you ask a close friend or family member to come and stay with you for awhile for moral support while you sort this?

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klegacy

klegacy

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People haven't seen through her lies. All they see is her happiness in her new relationship.

 

There isn't anyone that can come stay with me. If I decide to move, my new job's start date would be October 9th. I need to make these decisions now.

 

And to answer someone's question - I definitely had thoughts of suicide when everything first happened. And for at least a month following that. There has been a lot of really bad situations and experiences that have happened and this was the nail on the coffin so-to-speak. There were attempts. But as much as I hate life right now, I would never want to do that to my son.

 

Revenge isn't something I've thought of, its not like I can go hook up with her best friend or something. I've dreamed of punching the OM in the face many times though.

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Marc878

Marc878

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Just wanted to give an update... We switched our son's schedule to a week-to-week basis but because it gave her such anxiety about being away from him for that long, I still have to drop him off at her place before work a few days a week and pick him up.

 

I gave her a separation agreement last Thursday that I'm waiting on a response to.

 

I was offered a job in my hometown and I have no idea if I should take it and move or stay and try to continue dealing.

 

Let this be her problem not yours. It's what happens when you leave your family.

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Jeff1690

Jeff1690

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People haven't seen through her lies. All they see is her happiness in her new relationship.

 

There isn't anyone that can come stay with me. If I decide to move, my new job's start date would be October 9th. I need to make these decisions now.

 

And to answer someone's question - I definitely had thoughts of suicide when everything first happened. And for at least a month following that. There has been a lot of really bad situations and experiences that have happened and this was the nail on the coffin so-to-speak. There were attempts. But as much as I hate life right now, I would never want to do that to my son.

 

Revenge isn't something I've thought of, its not like I can go hook up with her best friend or something. I've dreamed of punching the OM in the face many times though.

klegacy, never hurt yourself over someone like her. Like you said your son is worth more than she is and so are you. Revenge, yes I get that. However, assaulting the other man is not the way to go. Jail time means you lose your job, you lose rights to your son. This bitch is not worth it.

 

I know how bad you feel. I too am new at this and struggle everyday. My biggest struggle is wanting her to feel the emotional pain I do. Pay attention to Marc and the other old timers here. Some of been beating me to death in PM's and it has helped.

 

You and I know what we have to do. We have to get past the betrayal and live our lives not only for ourselves but our kids. Set goals, dream big and make those dreams come true. I don't know if all my plans will pan out. However, making them and doing something to attain them has really helped me. Also like was mentioned get in the gym. If you can't afford a gym do calisthenics every damn day. I have always been in great shape till six months ago after a surgery. Then all this stuff happened. I had a gut hanging over my pants (never had that) and was miserable in physical and emotional pain. As soon as I was cleared to work out I began. I can tell you this, I am looking damn good now and getting better. I have noticed younger women looking at me.

 

Keep posting here. Read articles on coping. Get the book Uncoupling. Get in shape. Hope things get better, remember you are not alone. You can do this.

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Marc878

Marc878

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You're a lot stronger than you think.

 

Let how you handle this define you not how your wife has disrespected and treated you.

 

You can get through this. Take control of your life and make it into what you want it to be.

 

Go as dark as you can on her. Never answer her phone calls and communicate only with texts or emails. You owe her nothing after this.

 

Be civli only but short and to the point. Just say "I gotta go and leave". Let it become your way of life around her.

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klegacy

klegacy

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I think I am going to accept the job offer I got in my hometown. It's only a 3 hour drive away. I may lose out on some of the time I get with my son, but it will be good for me to be out of this city, give myself time to heal and take care of myself so I can be the best father I can be.

 

I have 4 days to decide and accept or decline the job offer. And if I accept, I'll be going up around the end of the first week of October.

 

Scary.

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klegacy

klegacy

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Can you file for divorce or do you have to be separated a year first?

 

My lawyer said mandatory separation for a year before divorce can be filed.

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Marc878

Marc878

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The quicker you get that done the quicker you get out of this mess she put you in.

 

Let that be your mantra. You didn't do or cause this. However, you can control you're outcome.

 

You have value. More than her. Good people don't do these things.

 

Read up on the 180 and take control of your own life. She doesn't matter now.

 

No contact except text or email about the child. Never answer a phone call from her again.

 

Once you've established these boundaries you'll have control. It'll get easier I promise.

 

Good luck

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