Wife Left for Best Friend

[klegacy]

Is adultery a consideration where you live or is it no fault?

 

My lawyer said it doesn't matter what was done, it only matters what is being done now. So even though she cheated and left, I have to play as nice as possible otherwise I could get screwed over.

 

It's been a week and a half, no reply on the separation agreement yet. Odd considering the first few months of this, she was adamant on pursing separation/divorce as soon as possible.

 

I'm back on the fence about moving. I had my son all week and I just couldn't imagine losing time with him.

 

Hearing through the grapevine that she's been telling people it was a mutual decision to separate and that she loves me but "we wouldn't work". What a spindle of lies.

[stillafool]

Do you have to go through the "separation" in order to get the divorce? Can you just divorce and skip the separation part?

[klegacy]

Do you have to go through the "separation" in order to get the divorce? Can you just divorce and skip the separation part?

 

Yes. You have to be separated for a year before you can process a divorce. And the separation agreement is what dictates division of property, finances, child custody, etc...

[Miss Clavel]

That's what gets me - She seemed to turn into a completely different person in a very short span of time. From a faith-loving woman who talked about renewing our vows to an adulterer. And those around her seem to be completely accepting of whatever she does. The whole world seems to be giving them whatever they want and leaving me in the dark. I just don't get it.

 

unless you've done something you haven't told us about and that's why she left to seek protection and help from your friend?

 

 

 

i didn't get it either. my wasbands mom was mad at him for about three weeks. after that, it was as if i was never born.

 

you just have to remind yourself that anyone that condones a married woman acting that way hasn't got the morals/values of someone you'd be friends with.

 

you have poor judgement. you have the wrong friends. and if they've gone over to her side, good riddance.

 

you do not tolerate cheating, lying and falsifying affection or vows.

 

she made promises to you and she's broken them. gloves off.

 

and of course you'd take her back. but there is no "her". that person no longer exist.

 

read that again.

 

you need full physical custody.

 

 

i went for "full physical custody" and i got it. i inserted rules for visitation which included not dwelling/visiting/staying with anyone not related to the children by blood. i agreed to revisit this issues if they married and stayed married for at least two years knowing by then that my oldest would be able to choose, legally.

 

no one was allowed to alter the children's appearance in any way, ever. not even with their fathers permission. no tats, haircuts or piercings.

 

i got christmas eve (important to my extended family) by giving up thanksgiving because i wanted the kids to know their other cousins and grandparents. he got christmas day.

 

no one in his family was on the emergency contact list at school and none of them could take the kids out of school.

 

i gave him a key to my house and he was free to come and go at will. anytime he wanted to come over he could and he could stay as long as he liked. if they were "visiting" i would stay away or go straight to my room and stay there.

 

it's time for you to realize that she and her family and her lover and her friends are not the kind of people that should be allowed around your kid. for now at least.

 

they're liars. they're cheaters. or they condone lying and cheating. which boils down to all of them are thieves.

 

get to a lawyer. get custody.

 

if she won't agree to all your demands then it's gonna get ugly but don't be surprised if she does agree because she wants more time with her new love.

 

shocking, but it happens.

[Wade Lamare]

Well if it's any consolation I predict that her current relationship will fail too. She sounds like she's one of these people who are always chasing the next high.

 

Each new relationship is all lovey dovey, fantastically wastically super duper seven fluffy bunnies with chocolate sprinkles on top until it gets ordinary and then she misses that high. She actually doesn't sound very mature to me especially with her inability to feel any empathy for you.

 

That being said, you shouldn't give a toss about her and what happens to her, your only concern should be your child.

 

And really, who gives a flying what her messed up enabling family think or do? They should be dead to you.

 

Easier said than done I know, but you need to start faking it till you start making it.

 

What are your hobbies, is there anything you have wanted to try or do? Rekindle an old hobby or try doing something new, you may not really feel like it deep down but it will eventually help, you'll go from pretending to enjoy it to actually enjoying it.

 

If you feel like punching OM's face through the back of his head start doing something like a gym or get some home weights and get angry with them, it can be a great stress reliever.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Wade Lamare
typo

[klegacy]

She is very immature, judging from her actions the past while. She apparently posts on her Facebook how absolutely "perfect" life is for her right now.

 

Before she left, we had several arguments that were about her secretly texting/emailing/meeting guys. She made it seem like I was off base for having issue with it, because she's just the "friendly" type of person. Clearly, she's not just friendly.

 

Our only other issue? Me not being Mr Happy Pants every single day without fail. Even after my aunt passed away, my wife "couldn't handle" that I needed time to grieve.

 

Despite the never ending love I feel for her, I'm realizing bit by bit, more every day, how terrible of a wife she was.

 

Some people are starting to come around. I've had some friends realize the truth, looked past the lies she's been spinning, and have apologized to me for not being there for me at the beginning.

 

Progress, I suppose.

[Wade Lamare]

She is very immature, judging from her actions the past while. She apparently posts on her Facebook how absolutely "perfect" life is for her right now.

 

Before she left, we had several arguments that were about her secretly texting/emailing/meeting guys. She made it seem like I was off base for having issue with it, because she's just the "friendly" type of person. Clearly, she's not just friendly.

 

Our only other issue? Me not being Mr Happy Pants every single day without fail. Even after my aunt passed away, my wife "couldn't handle" that I needed time to grieve.

 

Despite the never ending love I feel for her, I'm realizing bit by bit, more every day, how terrible of a wife she was.

 

Some people are starting to come around. I've had some friends realize the truth, looked past the lies she's been spinning, and have apologized to me for not being there for me at the beginning.

 

Progress, I suppose.

 

Excellent, sounds like the veil is slowly lifting! Keep going you are sounding stronger and stronger with every post.

[Marc878]

She is very immature, judging from her actions the past while. She apparently posts on her Facebook how absolutely "perfect" life is for her right now.

 

Before she left, we had several arguments that were about her secretly texting/emailing/meeting guys. She made it seem like I was off base for having issue with it, because she's just the "friendly" type of person. Clearly, she's not just friendly.

 

Our only other issue? Me not being Mr Happy Pants every single day without fail. Even after my aunt passed away, my wife "couldn't handle" that I needed time to grieve.

 

Despite the never ending love I feel for her, I'm realizing bit by bit, more every day, how terrible of a wife she was.

 

Some people are starting to come around. I've had some friends realize the truth, looked past the lies she's been spinning, and have apologized to me for not being there for me at the beginning.

 

Progress, I suppose.

 

Your heart needs to sync up to what your mind knows. Her actions are deplorable. You have zero future with this.

 

The best option is to file and get as reasonable terms as you can before she wakes up or has the same issues with her other man.

 

You owe her nothing. The more detached you can get from this the better.

[Marc878]

If you can get and stay strong you'll get through this a lot better.

 

The best way to do that? A hard 180. Never answer her phone calls. Only answer with short civil texts or email. You will be amszed at what taking control will get you.

 

It would also help if you reinforce yourself as to who and what she really is.

 

Get her off the Damn pedestal. Block her on Facebook, etc. change your status

 

Start pressing for the separation agreement.

[Marc878]

Early on it seems like the end of the world but as you get strong and smart you're going to find her doing this early on may become a blessing.

 

You don't want stuck with this long term. If you were 40/50 years old and had 3 kids, etc this would be a game changer.

 

Right now it's "lose a cheater and gain a life".

 

Everyone will see what she is in time. Get out of this and neve look back.

 

There are much better out there than what you had.

[klegacy]

There hasn't been any phone calls in awhile, so that's good. I deleted my old Facebook account and created a new one and blocked her and her family and the OM and his friends from being able to see my new account.

 

The thing that gets me is the drastic change that happened almost overnight. One councilor I spoke to said that some people go through this in their early/mid 20's, like a mid-life crisis. Mixed with post-pardum, throw in a few trouble-making voices and its a recipe for disaster.

 

I know I need to move on. But the part of me that still loves her, still believes that she's going through something and some day will wake up and realize what she's done.

 

But the other part of me knows I'm being an idiot for thinking that.

[ladydesigner]

There hasn't been any phone calls in awhile, so that's good. I deleted my old Facebook account and created a new one and blocked her and her family and the OM and his friends from being able to see my new account.

 

The thing that gets me is the drastic change that happened almost overnight. One councilor I spoke to said that some people go through this in their early/mid 20's, like a mid-life crisis. Mixed with post-pardum, throw in a few trouble-making voices and its a recipe for disaster.

 

I know I need to move on. But the part of me that still loves her, still believes that she's going through something and some day will wake up and realize what she's done.

But the other part of me knows I'm being an idiot for thinking that.

 

I hope she realizes what she's done at some point otherwise she is a lost cause. I wouldn't feel sorry for her though, she didn't feel sorry for you do not give her the same courtesy. She made her bed.

 

(((klegacy)))

[Marc878]

There hasn't been any phone calls in awhile, so that's good. I deleted my old Facebook account and created a new one and blocked her and her family and the OM and his friends from being able to see my new account.

 

The thing that gets me is the drastic change that happened almost overnight. One councilor I spoke to said that some people go through this in their early/mid 20's, like a mid-life crisis. Mixed with post-pardum, throw in a few trouble-making voices and its a recipe for disaster.

 

I know I need to move on. But the part of me that still loves her, still believes that she's going through something and some day will wake up and realize what she's done.

 

But the other part of me knows I'm being an idiot for thinking that.

 

There are no good excuses for her behavior.

 

You're not an idiot. No one is prepared for something like this. It's shocking!!!!

 

However, you are in love with who you thought she was. Her words and actions show who she is. That person you love probably never truly existed except in your perception.

 

Read back over your posts and pretend it's your brother or s close friend. What would you advise them?

 

There's a myth of they always come back. No they don't.

 

I can tell you this, Many who do take them back never get over the betrayal and suffer buyers remourse.

 

Plan for the worst and get out of infidelity.

 

If you want to try and wake her up. Maximum exposures to all family and friends with the truth is your only weapon here. No warning just do it.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Marc878

[klegacy]

I had considered shedding the truth out to everyone, her family included, but I've been advised against bothering with that by friends, family and even my lawyer. It could just be used against me as if I'm "slandering" my son's mother. And regardless of what she's done, I can't stoop to that level I guess.

 

Even though some days I'm near the breaking point of just posting everything all over Facebook.

[Marc878]

I had considered shedding the truth out to everyone, her family included, but I've been advised against bothering with that by friends, family and even my lawyer. It could just be used against me as if I'm "slandering" my son's mother. And regardless of what she's done, I can't stoop to that level I guess.

 

Even though some days I'm near the breaking point of just posting everything all over Facebook.

 

Telling the truth is not slander.

 

I'd bet your friends and family have zero experience in infidelity. Your lawyer doesn't either. He's experienced in getting you divorced.

 

Exposure should be fine with only the truth. You send private messages pig to targeted individuals only. All at one time with the facts. No warning.

 

She moves in with another man takes your child with her. Spreads lies on you, brow beats you and you are afraid to tell the truth of what's happened? Why?

 

So her family doesn't know what's going on?

 

I agree if you want a divorce stay quiet and say nothing. I've never seen where telling the truth did any harm ever. It fixes a lot of things. One way or the other.

[LifeNomad]

OP do you speak Spanish? There is a song that might give you a boost. Its called "el maestro" by "los tigres del norte"

[Marc878]

Living in fear of her will get you nothing and maybe part of your issue with her.

[Wade Lamare]

I wouldn't bother.

 

I do agree with exposure but only in certain circumstances.

 

However if somebody asked me, or said "it's a shame you and X decided to call it a day" I'd certainly want to put them straight.

 

But no weepy stuff, short and to the point. "I found out that she was sleeping with my ex buddy, no way was I going to accept that."

[Marc878]

Affairs thrive in secret and the dark. What you are doing is helping your wife and lover keep their secret. In essence you are enabling their affair.

 

I'm sure they appreciate you doing this but how's that working for you?

[klegacy]

Affairs thrive in secret and the dark. What you are doing is helping your wife and lover keep their secret. In essence you are enabling their affair.

 

I'm sure they appreciate you doing this but how's that working for you?

 

Oh they didn't keep anything secret. Since the day she left, she's been with him publicly ever since. Been seen out with my son many times. He was at my son's birthday party she hosted. She (hearing this from others) posts countless **** about how perfect and happy they are daily.

[Marc878]

So if everyone knows then exposure is worthless.

 

What it does tell you is you have nothing here.

 

Hard 180 and move on with your life.

[Marc878]

The level of disrespect against you is the worst I've seen.

 

You'd do well to never attend any functions. Just set up and do your own with your son. You don't need this type of crap in your life.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Oh they didn't keep anything secret. Since the day she left, she's been with him publicly ever since. Been seen out with my son many times. He was at my son's birthday party she hosted. She (hearing this from others) posts countless **** about how perfect and happy they are daily.

 

If I were you I'd DNA test the child. Her betrayal may be deeper than you think.

 

You can get kits.

[klegacy]

I appreciate the comments and support.

 

I don't think a DNA test is really needed. My son looks just like me. He's like a clone of my 2 year old self.

[Marc878]

Push for the separation agreement. The faster that's put into place the faster you get this behind you.

 

I'm glad some stepped up finally and took your side in this

Edited September 20, 2016 by Marc878