Wife Left for Best Friend

[Bufo]

Stillafool nailed it. Yes you have to personally deal with child issues. But plans can be made via text or email. No need to call or communicate in person about child care schedules. As for the rest of your concerns, that's why checks ( or cheques if you are Canadian or British), the post office, and lawyers were invented. Use those inventions.

 

Please understand that any lawyer you hire will prefer communication during business hours. He or she won't be carrying around the file on your case 24 hours per day.

[road]

I have to find a new lawyer. The last two I had were not helpful and didn't want to do any work.

 

Even after specifically asking her yesterday to respect my request to not text me at work and her acknowledging it, she did it again this morning. But I'm not going to reply until this evening.

 

I have been doing what I can to keep busy. Work, playing music, renos on my house, hanging out with friends. Joined a "ManUp" group (hosted by a church, basically guys get into small groups who support each other and learn to open up and talk and whatnot).

 

Because WW texts you at work does not mean you have to respond let alone read it till after you get home from work.

 

 

This is your job not a lawyers job.

[klegacy]

Please understand that any lawyer you hire will prefer communication during business hours. He or she won't be carrying around the file on your case 24 hours per day.

 

I am totally aware of that. Unfortunately the first lawyer just hated family law in general and wanted me to create, edit and even give to my ex the separation agreement. And the second lawyer tried to do the same thing. I was under the impression that they're supposed to create it, I'm supposed to revise it, and then the lawyer is supposed to give it to her lawyer.

[Marc878]

Even after specifically asking her yesterday to respect my request to not text me at work and her acknowledging it, she did it again this morning. But I'm not going to reply until this evening.

 

If it's not about your child or business/divorce don't respond at all.

 

Use that as you're guide.

[Marc878]

Get out and go something fun for yourself this weekend. Make yourself if you have to but do it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi klegacy, what is happening with you? Have you resolved the lawyer issue? I hope your efforts at maintaining the 180 are ongoing and successful. I think you will just have to ignore your wife's texts or maybe put your phone on silent so that every time she sends you a text it doesn't ping.It is obvious that your wife wants to keep you on a string just in case her new arrangement breaks down.

Have you had any contact from your wider circle of friends? If so what do they say? Wish you the best going forward.

[klegacy]

I am looking into finding a new lawyer this week.

 

The amount of communication between her and I has been much less this past week/weekend. This is in part due to the change in custody schedule that we somewhat agreed on previously.

 

I spent the weekend with a few friends. They seem to be more supportive of my side now that they've heard everything. Also, word through them is that her brother is pretty pissed off about what she did, though I don't know how recent that information is.

 

It's still killing me inside every day.

[bait36]

OP: Sorry to hear all that. I don't understand why this happens, and it happens a lot. I knew many people who went through it. They date fast, get engaged fast, marry fast. Within a year or less. The entire time there's courting of others, flirting, being more than friends, emotionally cheating and affairs. Why? What's the point? They seem so dead set on getting married and believe this is the one as all of this is happening. They had boyfriends and girlfriends before, but this is different and forever. Then they leave like its nothing. Why get married? I don't get it. These forever the one marriages last no where near as long as their general relationships did! They were with those people for 5+ years, but saw no long-term forever future with them. Oh, but these forever soulmates last a year or two. Like, what?

 

I was just recently caught in this situation as the other guy; she got married and still pursued me and tried to keep the affair going. Why? You're engaged and cheating the whole time, and you were the one who baited, pursued, and courted. I don't understand this. She was a christain too, but seemed bored and irritated with him from the beginning. Always came to me and was happy and excited. Then why get married???

 

She seems so logical in certain respects while explaining things like this (why getting married to him and not others), and other things, as well, but it doesn't add up. Actions and words are light years apart. Everything sounds good and makes sense, but only in words. The whole time she is confused and confusing everyone else, too. And the cheating continued like nothing. WTH?

 

You can't postpone or cancel the wedding, at least? I don't understand the thought processes here. It seems like they want the security and stability right now- while holding off for something else potentially. Then why get married- I ask again. Oh, because this is the one and forever as you're playing them! Mind explosion. Can't comprehend. I think they look at it from a logical perspective (finances, security, character), but act on their feelings and who makes them happy and things. I can't think of anything else to explain how this works, and it's giving me a headache. Just like the entire situation I just had did.

Edited September 26, 2016 by bait36

[Marc878]

I am looking into finding a new lawyer this week.

 

The amount of communication between her and I has been much less this past week/weekend. This is in part due to the change in custody schedule that we somewhat agreed on previously.

 

I spent the weekend with a few friends. They seem to be more supportive of my side now that they've heard everything. Also, word through them is that her brother is pretty pissed off about what she did, though I don't know how recent that information is.

 

It's still killing me inside every day.

 

Limited contact will get you where you need to be. Never answer her phone calls and only text back what's pertinent. Ignore everything else. She's a cheater who's rubbed it in your face. Treat her like it.

 

You have the high ground use it. A 180 is doable I've seen it done. Don't worry about making her mad or pushing her away she's already gone. What do you care now?

[klegacy]

bait36 - There was no sign of any of this, it was only this year that she started doing things out of character (presumably).

 

Marc878 - I still care because I still love her, like an idiot. Part of me still thinks that this is some phase she's going through because she was young and is young. I know, I'm not a smart man.

[Marc878]

bait36 - There was no sign of any of this, it was only this year that she started doing things out of character (presumably).

 

Marc878 - I still care because I still love her, like an idiot. Part of me still thinks that this is some phase she's going through because she was young and is young. I know, I'm not a smart man.

 

Nope, you're not an idiot or stupid. It's because your heart has not sync'd up with you mind yet. This is common. In these issues your heart will always betray you.

 

Think of it like this you're allowing her to treat you in this manner will only lower your esteem/respect in her eyes. She will view you as week, passive and not deserving of any respect.

 

Women find strength attractive. Get strong and stay there. Now!!!!!! You'll do yourself and future a big favor.

 

You can do this. I've seen many go through this.

[klegacy]

Every time I try to be "strong" she treats it like I'm being rude. I can't win.

[Just a Guy]

Hi klegacy, your last post says that everytime you try to be strong she treats it like you are being rude. If that be the case then tell her I am being rude because you have betrayed me and now I don't want to have anything to do with you. Tell her she made her bed and now she must sleep on it. In the mean time see if you can find a girl who you can be friendly with and who you can take out with you to parties and other social events. You do not have to be serious about her unless you want to and you can make this clear to her. I am not asking you to sleep around with her. Just treat her as a good friend and flaunt her in public. I am sure this will get your wife's attention and if she calls, tell you've moved on. Just take back control from her and do not let her call the shots, any shots.

 

Hope you are doing well on other fronts. Best wishes.

[stillafool]

 

Marc878 - I still care because I still love her, like an idiot. Part of me still thinks that this is some phase she's going through because she was young and is young. I know, I'm not a smart man.

 

Unfortunately this is not some stage she is going through and because she is young if she does break up with your friend she will move on to someone new. If she were middle age she might try to come back to you but with youth on her side she will upgrade.

[stillafool]

Every time I try to be "strong" she treats it like I'm being rude. I can't win.

 

So What if she thinks you're being rude. She has been beyond rude to you. Stop trying to please her.

[Marc878]

Every time I try to be "strong" she treats it like I'm being rude. I can't win.

 

Rude? Really?

 

She moved in with and is screwing your friend, Took your kid away and totally disrespected you. You are afraid of her? Why?

 

You can't win because you won't let yourself. You are your biggest problem at this time. You are handing your life over to a cheater and her lover. Why?

[Marc878]

You are the only one that can fix this. The Calvary isn't coming.

 

You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" again.

 

So if you stand up to her what's she going to do? Brow beat you?

 

Just say you are acting like a w**** and we don't need to speak.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Marc878

[kgcolonel]

Every time I try to be "strong" she treats it like I'm being rude. I can't win.

 

What's wrong with being rude to the wife that is cheating on you with your former best friend????

 

You should be very indignant, if you weren't, you'd be a p_$$y or a rock....

 

You're entitled to be spitt'n nails for what she is doing.....just be rid of her and move on.....

[Wade Lamare]

Every time I try to be "strong" she treats it like I'm being rude. I can't win.

 

So What if she thinks you're being rude. She has been beyond rude to you. Stop trying to please her.

 

Rude? Really?

 

She moved in with and is screwing your friend, Took your kid away and totally disrespected you. You are afraid of her? Why?

 

You can't win because you won't let yourself. You are your biggest problem at this time. You are handing your life over to a cheater and her lover. Why?

 

You are the only one that can fix this. The Calvary isn't coming.

 

You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" again.

 

So if you stand up to her what's she going to do? Brow beat you?

 

Just say you are acting like a wh0re and we don't need to speak.

 

Exactly.

 

Disengage, don't be sad, don't sound angry.

 

Her on phone; "Oh you're being so rude and mean to me."

 

You; "Oh, really? Sorry you feel that way." *click* try to say it as though you're shrugging your shoulders.

 

If she carries on pestering you, the most I would say is, and again say it matter of factly. "I have no desire to be lectured on the way to treat people by someone who has been ******* my ex best friend behind my back."

 

"Please respect my wishes and keep all contact about the little one to after work hours unless it's an emergency. Everything else will be ignored."

 

And then stick to it. Who gives a flying flock if she's upset. Boo hoo, she should have thought of that before she went off with Mr Magicpants.

 

Fake it till you make it, even if you have a little weep afterwards, at the time be firm and calm, no sadness no anger.

[kgcolonel]

Exactly.

 

Disengage, don't be sad, don't sound angry.

 

Her on phone; "Oh you're being so rude and mean to me."

 

You; "Oh, really? Sorry you feel that way." *click* try to say it as though you're shrugging your shoulders.

 

If she carries on pestering you, the most I would say is, and again say it matter of factly. "I have no desire to be lectured on the way to treat people by someone who has been ******* my ex best friend behind my back."

 

"Please respect my wishes and keep all contact about the little one to after work hours unless it's an emergency. Everything else will be ignored."

 

And then stick to it. Who gives a flying flock if she's upset. Boo hoo, she should have thought of that before she went off with Mr Magicpants.

 

Fake it till you make it, even if you have a little weep afterwards, at the time be firm and calm, no sadness no anger.

 

 

This is awesome!!!!!!

[Wade Lamare]

This is awesome!!!!!!

 

I think OP just needs to learn to be dispassionate about her. I know it is easier said than done when you're vacillating between wanting to burst into tears on hearing her voice or tearing her a new one.

 

I get the impression that she is, to a certain extent, rather enjoying this even if she doesn't realise it herself.

 

She's got poor old K dancing around on the end of a string while she feeds off the drama, his anger or grief.

 

That's why I think he needs to practise his DILLIGAF. Or perhaps that should be DISLIGAF.

[klegacy]

One of the things that scares me is that when I am rude or blunt, she tells me that I should be treating her with some form of human decency for the sake of our son. Which sounds like something she could use against me in court or custody if I didn't/don't.

[kgcolonel]

One of the things that scares me is that when I am rude or blunt, she tells me that I should be treating her with some form of human decency for the sake of our son. Which sounds like something she could use against me in court or custody if I didn't/don't.

 

Stop listening to anything she's says, unless it's about your child. She has proven by her actions who she is, cheater, not trustworthy and so on. Why do you continue to give her the time of day unless it's about your child? Be honest, why?

 

Your life will get better once you take the excellent advise given.

[Wade Lamare]

One of the things that scares me is that when I am rude or blunt, she tells me that I should be treating her with some form of human decency for the sake of our son. Which sounds like something she could use against me in court or custody if I didn't/don't.

 

"Sorry you feel that way, can you please keep all contact regarding our little one outside of work hours unless it is an emergency."

[Marc878]

One of the things that scares me is that when I am rude or blunt, she tells me that I should be treating her with some form of human decency for the sake of our son. Which sounds like something she could use against me in court or custody if I didn't/don't.

 

C'mon man. Her actions are anything but human decency.

 

180 is non confrontational.

 

Look you've gotten sound advice but it will do you no good unless you put it to use. You are not her puppy dog on a leash to be jerked around.

 

Stand up for yourself. Would your son be proud of watching you take this treatment and beat downs?