Just need to get this off my chest.

[willoughby]

I don't know if this is the proper place for this post. It didn't seem to fit in a category.

 

I've been in love with the same woman for over 20 years, and she has no idea. She will never know either. She is married with three kids. She still lives in the tiny town we both grew up in married to the same man for over 18 years. We have never kissed. We have never done anything. She was my best friend in high school, and there were many times that I knew she was interested in more - and I was too, but I never went for it mainly because I didn't want to lose her. She was and still is my favorite person in the world.

 

What is a little bit absurd about this is that we are not friends anymore. I've run into her about 5 times in the last 17 or 18 years. We don't talk on the phone. We don't text. We don't communicate on social media sites. And yet, I continue to be uncontrollably in love with her. I realize that this could be just me longing for the one that got away, but it is more than that.

 

She was dating both my cousin and the man she ended up marrying at the same time, and I remember her being at my cousin's house (at a party) and in the garage on the phone with the man she will end up marrying. She was crying because she was confused. I figured that since she probably never went to his house and called my cousin on the phone, it was pretty clear who she wanted to be with even if she didn't realize it. So I told her to go to that man, because in my mind, that's what was going to make her the happiest. At the time I did this, I was madly in love with her. Why didn't I say, "Hey, what about us?". At the time, I have no doubt that she would have gone for it. We both knew how we felt about each other even though we never actually told each other. Anyway, I didn't, and the rest is history. She did as I suggested and went to that other man and married him. I've been in love with her ever since. She got married, started having kids. My chance was long gone. That's probably why I stopped talking to her. It just hurt too much I guess. There are still many days when I want to pick up the phone and just tell her how I feel, but I don't see how anything good can come of that, so I always stop myself. She is very happy and has the life she always talked about when we were kids. Married, living in that town, having kids go to that small school playing sports, lots of friends, grilling on weekends, and all that stuff. I could never do anything to jeopardize that life, so she will never know how I feel.

 

I've never told anyone, and I'm about to break, so I had to get it out somewhere. Thanks for listening.

[Osmium13]

I feel for you. Unrequited love is the worst thing.

 

Look on the bright side - you could make a cracking RomCom out of that story. Just needs the happy ending to finish it off

[preraph]

I have to believe that if it was strong enough on either side, you two would have tried to be romantic.

 

The other thing is that if it's someone from high school, you know, people change a LOT in the few years after that, and she may not be the same person you remember at all. Don't you think that if one of the two of you wasn't forward enough to make it happen, that that's a sign that you're not the right two people for each other. One of you has to be able to act on things.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There have probably been two times in my life when I had a similar infatuation as you have now.

 

Both of them (thank merciful god) went away on their own after a prolonged absence of any contact with that woman.

 

I really think there's little good about infatuation. It's almost always one-sided, detrimental to your well being, and rarely ever based on any kind of logical connection to the woman.

 

That said, on a psychological level, I understand how one sided life can be, whether in a romantic or platonic sense, when you think about one person and that other person probably never does think about you.

 

I've more often been on that side, so I can relate. That said, it's probably best to try and forget her.

[willoughby]

I have to believe that if it was strong enough on either side, you two would have tried to be romantic.

 

The other thing is that if it's someone from high school, you know, people change a LOT in the few years after that, and she may not be the same person you remember at all. Don't you think that if one of the two of you wasn't forward enough to make it happen, that that's a sign that you're not the right two people for each other. One of you has to be able to act on things.

 

Yeah, I get this. People do change a lot after high school. This goes back to what I acknowledged to be "absurd" in my original post. When I say that we haven't talked, that's really my fault. She has texted me out of the blue a few times; I just didn't respond. She invited me to their house-warming party just a little while ago. I haven't responded. While we don't talk on Facebook, I follow her. If she has changed, she has only gotten more desirable in my eyes. She follows me as well. She fairly recently sent me a weird message out of the blue and then claimed it was by accident, but it sparked a conversation. I think it was just an excuse to have a reason to sort of catch up. I could be wrong about that of course. It just very well may be wishful thinking. But, I did the same thing to her a few times, so it's only because I did it that I think she did the same thing.

 

As far as trying to be romantic, I never initiated anything because I was afraid of losing her. It was not for lack of wanting or "being right", so I can speak to that. I don't buy into any of that "meant to be" stuff. I never have. You can't know whether or not you are "right for each other" unless you are together and it doesn't work out. You can't know without trying, so I can't blame that either. You are either together or you are not. We are not, but I would never blame it on fate. I blame it on myself. She DID try to be romantic - or at least physical several times, and I rejected those advances every time - for the same reason I never initiated anything.

 

I even think that there is a moment that had I acted differently, my life would be very different right now. I'll save you the whole story, but the bottom line is that she pretended to be cold (I know this because she told me so a few weeks after the fact) and asked me to close a hotel door we were in together. Had I closed the door, our relationship history would be different. There is no doubt. Would we be together? No idea, but I can't help but think that the decision to maintain her as a friend no doubt cost me her.

 

Again - the fact that I am talking about things that happened 20 years ago is not lost on me. I realize how desperate this all sounds. Clinging to a look from 20 years ago or something she told me. I get it. I should move on. I agree 100%. But, I love her - and I can't help it. I can't control it.

 

I feel like I need to clarify that I am very happy for her as well. I'm over the moon happy that she has a life that she always dreamed of. This post was more for myself than anything else. I appreciate all the responses, but I was really only telling complete strangers so that I could get it out of my system and avoid telling her. I wasn't seeking advice - even though the attempts are very much appreciated all the same.

 

I also feel like I should say that I have been married since this as well. I have a son. I've been divorced (and me and my ex wife get along great). I have had healthy relationships since and am in a serious one now and I love the woman I am with very...very much. The love doesn't compare though. I have considered telling all of these about this woman from high school, but I've always chosen to save myself the embarrassment because I am well aware of how it sounds. I have no intention of ever acting on these feelings - for the sole reason of not potentially screwing with her life. I have made peace with the fact that I'm just always going to love her, and that she will never know. It just gets hard sometimes. There will be spikes here and there and I need an outlet so that I don't tell her. That's all this is.

[elaine567]

and I'm about to break.

 

What do you mean?

[willoughby]

What do you mean?

 

By "break" I mean tell her how I feel. I want her to know, but I don't intend on acting on it, so if I were to tell her, it's ultimately nothing but me being selfish.

[preraph]

I don't think it's odd to keep loving someone even though you're not with them. I tend to do that, but I don't let it slow me down, learned not to or it would ruin your life. But you just have to be careful about idealizing her because as you know, you can't know how it would have gone without trying. You and she might be just opposite in the way you do or don't keep house or have opposing goals or that sort of thing that means you can love but not live with someone. I think it's a shame you didn't try back then when you had the chance. What made you think that being romantic when that is what she wanted would make you lose her? Why did you not think, "Oh, she wants me, and if I'm not romantic back, I might lose her?"

[randall]

We only get one life and I think it's sad you've spent 20 years pining over a woman who has been married for the last 18 years.

 

You've done a huge disservice to yourself and your own life by not moving on. And I'm not sure if telling her your feelings now, 20 years after the fact, would be good for you or her.

 

Even if she were to be happy to hear about it and wanted to be your friend again it would just end up with you being even more miserable...when you're infatuated with someone you can't just be 'friends'.

[willoughby]

I don't think it's odd to keep loving someone even though you're not with them. I tend to do that, but I don't let it slow me down, learned not to or it would ruin your life. But you just have to be careful about idealizing her because as you know, you can't know how it would have gone without trying. You and she might be just opposite in the way you do or don't keep house or have opposing goals or that sort of thing that means you can love but not live with someone. I think it's a shame you didn't try back then when you had the chance. What made you think that being romantic when that is what she wanted would make you lose her? Why did you not think, "Oh, she wants me, and if I'm not romantic back, I might lose her?"

 

I don't know the answer to your question. That's what bothers me the most about this whole thing. I just don't know. It is certainly one of (if not the) biggest regrets I have in my life. The story I told was actually one among a few chances when she was clearly interested in something more and I backed away. Not like, "no, we can't do this", but like she would literally be touching me - trying to get close, and I would literally back away. Not straight forward, but just "change the subject" so to speak. The one I told in particular was probably just the closest I came to going for it. I can't help but think that she just finally moved on because I never accepted her advances. I think this is the core of what gives me the urge to tell her, but it's so ridiculously too late, that it would just be embarrassing and there is no point since I would never act on it anyway, and don't want to make her question the past (not that she would - I don't know, I just don't want to risk it). It is what it is, and I have accepted it.

 

It gets a little more complicated, so I'm going to give some fake names.

 

A little while later (after we graduated), she (Kelly - the woman I have been talking about) showed up at my house with her younger sister (Sandy) and sort of played cupid in getting us together. It's a bit more involved than that, but that's the short version! Though, there were still several occasions after this while I was dating Sandy where it was clear to me that Kelly was still interested, but didn't do anything for obvious reasons. I mean we BOTH resisted the urge for obvious reasons. Sandy and I dated for about 10 months, and she was actually my "first". I fell pretty hard for her. We broke up, and I moved away. A couple of years later, Sandy was killed in an accident, and I was devastated. It was one of the most confusing periods of my life because I didn't know if I was devastated for myself or for Kelly, and that made me feel very guilty. She lost her sister, and I had lost someone who was my "first" and she was always going to be special to me for that reason, but when I finally managed to figure out how I felt, it was then that I realized that I was in love with Kelly...still if not the whole time - - more guilt. Kelly, who was now married with a son and one on the way - whom she named after Sandy. It wasn't until about six months after Sandy died that I built up the courage to call Kelly. The only thing I remember from the conversation was her telling me that I was the only one she remembered seeing at the funeral. I don't think that means anything; it's just an observation. We never talked at the funeral. I saw her for a split second and blew her a kiss. The conversations get fewer and farther between from there.

[willoughby]

We only get one life and I think it's sad you've spent 20 years pining over a woman who has been married for the last 18 years.

 

You've done a huge disservice to yourself and your own life by not moving on. And I'm not sure if telling her your feelings now, 20 years after the fact, would be good for you or her.

 

Even if she were to be happy to hear about it and wanted to be your friend again it would just end up with you being even more miserable...when you're infatuated with someone you can't just be 'friends'.

 

I don't think you could have misunderstood my situation any worse.

 

I am not "pining" over this woman. I have made no attempts to make anything happen with her. I have no intention of ever doing so. I don't want her to know how I feel. I don't need her to know how I feel. I just can't help how I feel, and sometimes the urge to tell her (and urge I DO NOT WANT), and I need to vent it out somewhere. I chose here.

 

I have done myself no disservices. I cannot control this love. I have had many happy and healthy relationships with outstanding women. I am in a happy and serious relationship as I type this. However, I cannot help how I feel. It would do no one any good for anyone to know how I feel. There is just a very big part of my heart that is reserved for this other woman, and I will never....ever act on it. I have made peace with that. I can't just turn that switch off. If I chose to do that, then I would never love ANYONE. However, if I choose to love someone else, then that part reserved for her will always be there. I've handled it for 20 years, I can go a little more, and I think I have handled it pretty well. I am just venting here.

[preraph]

The times you felt she was showing you she wanted something physical, was it before or after when she set you up with her sister? I mean, out of loyalty to her sister, it's unlikely she would be able to date one of her exes, I would think. Why do you think she set you up with her if she wanted you herself? At what point in all this did she seem to want you? Before going out with Sandy? Or after that but before Sandy died?

[willoughby]

The times you felt she was showing you she wanted something physical, was it before or after when she set you up with her sister? I mean, out of loyalty to her sister, it's unlikely she would be able to date one of her exes, I would think. Why do you think she set you up with her if she wanted you herself? At what point in all this did she seem to want you? Before going out with Sandy? Or after that but before Sandy died?

 

Most of it was before. Before Sandy, she was actively trying. She then started dating another guy (not her husband), and during that time, she introduced her sister. Her and the guy she was with went through a rough patch. Typical on off stuff, and I was who she talked to about that. This was during the time I was with Sandy. She showed interest, but never acted on it. At least not physically, but she did basically all but tell me that if I made a move, she would accept. I never did. The party at my cousin's house (from the original post) happened during the period of time after Sandy and I broke up and when she died. I was dating someone else, and Kelly was seeing my cousin and the man she would eventually marry at the same time.

 

My intent is not to justify any of this. This all happened a very long time ago. I get all that. It is done. She is not mine. She never was.

[willoughby]

Ultimately, I've gone through the painful process of analyzing all of her actions, and mine. What would have made it different, and all that. I've considered that maybe she was dating all these people around me as a way to make it clear that she just wasn't interested, but then the advances don't make sense. I have considered that she set me up with her sister and dated my cousin as a way to keep me close in her life, and I've considered that the night of the party when she was very upset about not knowing what to do, it was her trying to give me one last chance to take her for myself, and I blew it. Those thoughts do not help or hurt. Whatever the truth is, it is done. It happened far too long ago to make any sense of it or try to justify it. Either way, I would still be in the same position. That being madly in love with her knowing there is nothing I can do about it. That would be the case no matter what her motives were 20 years ago.

[randall]

I don't think you could have misunderstood my situation any worse.

 

I am not "pining" over this woman. I have made no attempts to make anything happen with her. I have no intention of ever doing so. I don't want her to know how I feel.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood but you posted:

 

- "I've been in love with the same woman for over 20 years, and she has no idea."

- "I continue to be uncontrollably in love with her."

 

Apologies if for some reason you think I'm misinterpreting you on purpose, but it's hard not to interpret that as pining over someone.

 

And you also wrote:

- "By "break" I mean tell her how I feel."

 

Again, apologies if I misinterpreted you but from my point of view it was hard to not interpret that as meaning you want to tell her.

Edited August 30, 2016 by randall
typos

[willoughby]

Sorry if I misunderstood but you posted:

 

- "I've been in love with the same woman for over 20 years, and she has no idea."

- "I continue to be uncontrollably in love with her."

 

Apologies if for some reason you think I'm misinterpreting you on purpose, but it's hard not to interpret that as pining over someone.

 

And you also wrote:

- "By "break" I mean tell her how I feel."

 

Again, apologies if I misinterpreted you but from my point of view it was hard to not interpret that as meaning you want to tell her.

 

No apologies necessary. To me, "pining" means actively seeking to have a relationship with someone. That is not my situation. My situation is being in love with a girl who I know I can never have. I get urges to tell her how I feel, and I know nothing good can come of it. I do not want to tell her. I understand that she just wouldn't care (and that would just hurt me), or she WOULD care, and nothing could come of it, and I'd be in the exact same situation. I don't want to tell her, so if I "broke", I'd tell her - i.e., do something I do not want to do. So instead, I'm venting here.

 

If there was a pill I could take that could make me stop loving her, I would take 20 of them. Unfortunately, that's not how love works. So, if you are guilty of "pining" after someone simply from an having an emotion that you have zero control over, well then so be it. I'm not acting on it.

[randall]

I understand how you feel. I think everyone things about people they've liked, even years after they stop seeing them. Perhaps not always to to the extent you describe but it's hard not to.

 

Venting is good but it's also worth using that venting to try and move on a little if you can. If you can vent and move on a little it would help you immensely.

[preraph]

I don't think she had a big thing for you or she would not have given you to her sister, from whom she can never retrieve you due to family loyalty.

[willoughby]

I understand how you feel. I think everyone things about people they've liked, even years after they stop seeing them. Perhaps not always to to the extent you describe but it's hard not to.

 

Venting is good but it's also worth using that venting to try and move on a little if you can. If you can vent and move on a little it would help you immensely.

 

I appreciate the feedback. This is the first time in my life that I've felt like I needed to say something out loud about this that someone else can hear (or read in this case). I've just had a hard few days. This isn't an every day thing for me. It comes and goes. Most of the time, I will think about her and just smile. She's happy, and that makes me happy. In other words, most days, it doesn't restrict me from functioning or maintaining healthy relationships. The last few days, I've woken up and felt like everything that happened between us 20 years ago all happened all at once the day before. It's hard to describe. These days happen about once or twice a month, and this time was just the worst. During this time, I have had healthy relationships with other girls, and am in a very serious one now that I am very happy about now. I am aware of the possible betrayal I could be committing (in some eyes), but it's a feeling I can't control, and I don't want to act on it. In fact, I don't want the feeling to begin with. I don't see what good would come of me telling the girl I'm with that I am in love with a girl from high school whom I've never been romantic with and barely talk to. It's not about moving on. Or more accurately, I've already moved on and accepted the fact that I will never get over her. If that makes sense.

[willoughby]

I don't think she had a big thing for you or she would not have given you to her sister, from whom she can never retrieve you due to family loyalty.

 

This very well may be true. However, it's irrelevant to me. I'm not trying to convince myself that she feels today or ever has the same as I do or ever have. That's not what this is about. Either way, I still feel the same way. I am aware that most likely, any feelings she may or may not have had a long time ago are long gone.

 

For the record though, while I was with her sister, when she was talking to me about her problems with her on again off again boyfriend, she again expressed that interest. "It's always on the table" or something to that effect. I think might have made a joke about just getting with me and that was her response. This was after she introduced me to her sister, but before we were serious.

 

This experimental process seems to be working though. Thanks everyone.

[ChickiePops]

Whether or not she's ever had feelings for you is irrelevant. You missed your chance. There are only 2 possible outcomes to telling her how you feel now:

 

 

1. She does not reciprocate your feelings and you lose the friendship.

 

 

2. She does reciprocate your feelings and you end up screwing up her head, which in turn screws up her relationship with her kids and her husband, which in turn makes her resent you, and you lose the friendship.

 

 

Keep posting here, but don't say anything to her. Ever.

[willoughby]

Whether or not she's ever had feelings for you is irrelevant. You missed your chance. There are only 2 possible outcomes to telling her how you feel now:

 

 

1. She does not reciprocate your feelings and you lose the friendship.

 

 

2. She does reciprocate your feelings and you end up screwing up her head, which in turn screws up her relationship with her kids and her husband, which in turn makes her resent you, and you lose the friendship.

 

 

Keep posting here, but don't say anything to her. Ever.

 

Another misunderstanding I think. I am in agreement with you 100%. I agree with everything you said. I agree that whether or not she feels the same way is irrelevant. I agree that either way, it's a bad idea. Hence the entire reason I am telling YOU GUYS instead of HER! That's the whole point. I just needed to get it out. I will NEVER tell her. Ever, ever ever.

[ChickiePops]

Another misunderstanding I think. I am in agreement with you 100%. I agree with everything you said. I agree that whether or not she feels the same way is irrelevant. I agree that either way, it's a bad idea. Hence the entire reason I am telling YOU GUYS instead of HER! That's the whole point. I just needed to get it out. I will NEVER tell her. Ever, ever ever.

 

No, I didn't misunderstand. You said this already..but you also said you were reaching a breaking point. I was just reminding you why you need to keep this to yourself.

[Recon33]

As far as trying to be romantic, I never initiated anything because I was afraid of losing her. It was not for lack of wanting or "being right", so I can speak to that. I don't buy into any of that "meant to be" stuff. I never have. You can't know whether or not you are "right for each other" unless you are together and it doesn't work out. You can't know without trying, so I can't blame that either. You are either together or you are not. We are not, but I would never blame it on fate. I blame it on myself. She DID try to be romantic - or at least physical several times, and I rejected those advances every time - for the same reason I never initiated anything.

 

I’m sorry for your situation OP. I can empathize a lot with what you said. This paragraph especially resonated with me.

 

I had a similar experience with a girl I dated a few times when I was in high school. She initiated physical contact but the long story short of it is I moved too slow and she thought I wasn’t interested in her. The whole thing was strange because I knew I could have made something happen but I guess I just wasn’t ready for it at the time. If we met each other a year or two later the outcome would have likely been different. I think that’s what made it all the more frustrating and hard to let go of. I was only 18 and pretty much a prude still. I know that’s an average age most people seem to start having sex but I wasn’t really interested yet because that still is quite a young age to be having sex. I talked to my therapist and he gave me the whole “it wasn’t meant to be” spiel. It made me mad because I felt like the only person I was able to talk to about it didn’t really understand. I thought, how could you really make that assessment if it ended before it even started? Aren’t all relationships not meant to be because they all end sooner or later anyway? I’ve been burned by girls before but this time was especially hard for me. It was a really hopeless feeling.

 

But the truth was that none of it all really mattered and that’s ok. In the end it is what it is. Life doesn’t always go as planned and there definitely could have been worse case scenarios for me than what happened. It’s really not worth getting caught up over because we were just naïve teens. Even if things went differently and we became official it likely wouldn’t have lasted very long anyway. A lot of things seem a lot more dramatic than they really are at a younger age. You can’t get caught up on ‘what ifs’ and let them dictate your life. I think I had this “one that got away” complex when the reality was I really didn’t have enough of a reason to believe she was that great. I just built her up in my head to be that way. I think I was seeing things that weren’t really there.

 

Even after years of not talking or seeing this girl I still had trouble getting over it. I didn’t think it would ever end. Luckily I was able to find some hobbies, activities, and made some life changes that helped me cope with it and while I don’t think I could ever forget about it I was able to find peace and acceptance in it. I would say that’s the best thing you can do, really. As cliché as it sounds, just live your life. Life goes on. I hope you got something out of my rambling, OP.

[dusk86]

I had a common issue in the past just like you, it's a really difficult position to be in. I mean the best thing would be to move on. Forgive yourself and move on. She has her life and so do you. I'm sure to vent a little makes you feel better but even if you open up - like other people have said in this thread - it wouldn't do any good to her or you really.

 

Life goes on dear friend, all thes best.