Major setback (after 8 months)

[TheSwanGirl]

Hi, I don't know if somebody will read this or not, but I need to get this off my chest. I don't speak English very well, neither I write it quite good, but I'll try my best to explain myself. So please, if you want me to explain something in order for you to understand, don't hesitate to contact me. I will be pleased to try to make it more understandable, because I do really need help.

 

So. I'm an independent strong woman who needs no one. Or at least that's what I thought about myself. I was 19 when I met him, I was in my first year of college. He was in my class, a hot punk ginger, and I fell hard for him. But it wasn't until January 2011 that we started dating (almost five months after we met each other). The connection was strong, he fulfilled me in every possible way. We made each other better persons.

 

We went to Scotland on our second year together, and we fell more in love, if that was even possible. It was red. That's the emotion: red. It was intense. Burning me inside out. He was my first kiss, my first everything. But above all, he was my best friend, my family, the only person I trusted. He would never hurt me. No matter what, we would fight for us, and we would fight to overcome whatever the future had for us.

 

People always told me that he was more in love with me than I was with him. He was mad about me. I was the rational part, he was the wild side of the relationship. Amazing. Wonderful. Intense. Very intense. We wrote each other long hand written letters. We always gave books to each other for birthdays: it was the nicest way of saying "I love you". Because we lived in stories, and we tought we were writing the most beautiful story that ever existed.

 

We finished college and we had a rough year (we couldn't find a job, and we supported each other). We fought like any other couple, but on September 2015, we went to Ireland. It was truly magical. Our love was pure energy, pure magic. It was a new adventure every day. We never let it fade. I'm not saying I'm a saint. I got a job which I love, it's my passion and I'm lucky for it. But he didn't got so lucky. He wants to be a writer and he works a lot to achieve that goal. I always encouraged him in pursuing his dreams.

 

I'm not a clingy person, so I enjoyed the time I had for myself, and he went out with his friends. We had our space, it was never forced. But on October 2015 he started to study a Master's Degree on Scripts for Films and TV shows. I was thrilled, he finally got to do what he wanted. This implied we spending less and less time together. After a month, on November, he started to hang out less and less with me.

We started to argue a lot, because even though I'm a lonely person and I do enjoy my loneliness, I also wanted to be with him. But he never had time.

 

I swear, I respected our privacy. His privacy. And I went out of line and gave in into the temptation: I checked his phone. Oh how I wish I hadn't! But something inside of me was telling me something was off. So I found a conversation with a classmate of his, a girl who was telling him that he was her angel, her love, her life. He didn't reply to her in the same way. They were talking about music. But it hurt like hell. So that night I called him out on it. He told me that I was insane, paranoid, and she was just a friend. That she was his best friend right now, and they get along so well. That she talked that way to everybody. He told me so many lies, making me believe that I was out of line for getting angry for this. But I was angry. So I told him that I was not going to tolerate those kind of comments of her towards him. He told me that she was in love with a classmate who had a girlfriend. Oh boy. He was blind. I told him "it's you, idiot!!! She's talking about you! Time will prove me right!!!". He told me I just wanted to change him, and he was who he was and that he was allowed to had female friends. But he was treating her better than me, and spending a huge amount of time with her.

 

So. Time passes by and we tried again. I was still mad about that, but he swore to me that she was just a friend and that he loved me, no one else.

 

Okay. But my gut sensed that something was off. A month after that huge fight, he tells me "Oh there's a girl in class that has the same 'Fearless' tattoo as you do! And she loves the same TV show, such a coincidence!" I told him that that was great! And he told me "see? She's great, she's the girl that textes to me. So disgusting, the guy she's in love with has a girlfriend but he flirts with her so much... It's quite disrespectful towards his girlfriend!". And I told him that SHE was disgusting, how can you have a friend that does that kind of thing? He got mad at me because I talked very poorly of her. He was always putting her first. I started to get tired of it, but after a while he just calmed down and things went back to normal.

 

In January of this year, my grand uncle died. I tried to contact him seeking comfort, and he didn't answer. After the tenth call, he picks up very angry telling me "I'm with people now, god, you don't give me a break!!!!!". I told him I just needed someone to talk to. The next day he apologized for always leaving me alone. But I called him horrible things that night, I was **** off, hysterical, and I admit I disrespected him. I was really sorry for telling him such things, but I always felt alone. He was never by my side. So he broke up with me. And then I asked for another chance, and we got back together. But a week later, he finally broke up with me saying that he was confused, he was not being happy, and he needed time to think. That he still loved me, but he was not sure about our future together. But he didn't want to lose me, so we kept in contact in February. I was having my break downs because he was giving me hope and I was losing weight, too much weight, I got anxiety (I ended up in the hospital twice), and I was losing my mind. I kept begging for him to come back, to let me fix our situation and he told me that he was hurt for my lack of respect for him. I thought that I was the only one to blame. I thought it was my fault during three weeks.

 

But I went to see him, and he told me things you should never say to someone you love. He finally told me he didn't love me, that he wanted to be single, that I was a needy person and I should learn how to trust people.

I couldn't believe it. The person you love and trust the most, and you have known for five years, is not the same anymore. Is a complete stranger. He didn't even care that I was in the hospital for anxiety. He told me I was too thin, and that he was just a "random person", that by this time (three weeks) I should have get over him already. How can you forget FIVE years just like that?!??!?! In three weeks!??!??! How can he expects me to forget him like that?!

 

I couldn't believe it. Until my best friend told me that she saw him with this girl... And I got angry. Furious. He had been lying the whole time!!!! He told me he wanted to be alone, and that it was my fault! He made me feel like I had no value at all. So I called him. He told me "we stopped being friends on Valentine's day" (we never celebrated that date, actually I'm not fond of that festivity...), meaning that they were already dating or hooking up. I was devastated. I am devastated. I'm a mess. So I wrote him a long long letter, and two days after he sent me a text telling me that we should disappear from each other's lives. And I told him he was right. I just told him "Never stop writing". I'm going to a therapist and it helps, but I'm still madly in love with him and I miss him all the time.

 

I was in NC for over a month, but then I talked to him and it made me feel SO much better.

 

He blamed me for breaking up our relationship, for being "verbaly abusing" him, and that he asks me forgiveness for running off with this girl two weeks later, but he "just felt that way, and she's the love of his life, he's never gonna do what he did to me ever again". He basically said that the last year was horrible, and that he already moved on with her, she's the best and blabla. Actually it made me feel soooooooo much stronger. I thought I would feel awful, but I don't know. He told me he wasn't having a great time, because he remembers my green eyes, my body, my blonde hair, and how I cooked pasta to him our last night together, and how I can't leave his mind. He's constantly struggling with memories of me, like I'm his demon, chasing him in the nights, lurking all the time. He can't stop thinking how I cried in front of him, and he's worried about me. He asked for my private life details and I said: "Why would you want to know something? It's non of your business".

 

He told her EVERYTHING about us, even my secrets. He has known her for three or four months... He told her what I said to him about her when I was angry, and I told him "well you should check her facebook and tell her to stop writing horrible things about me, do you think that is normal?????" And he actually felt ashamed. But it seems that I never existed, that he never told me I was the love of his life. He hopes that eventually he can feel the same for her, as he felt for me. So I guess nothing of what he ever said to me was true. What a douche.

 

Basically he told me to move on and to be happy, that he was really concerned about me, that he stalked my Twitter, and that he's "the best guy that I would ever date, that no one would ever loved me like he did, that's why I'm so upset, because I lost him". Whaaaaaaaaaaaat. I mean. He's so full of himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe who he is. I told him that I don't know who he is anymore. I wished him well, and blocked him from everywhere. He just told me that I was so so bad, that I was lost and I was depressed. It's like he enjoyed me being knocked down.

 

 

I don't who this guy is! I can't believe he told her our secrets! I mean we were dating FIVE YEARS! Who is this guy????

 

This only made me relieved, as I told him, that I now truly can let him go, because this is not the person I loved for such a long time. He even told me that his friends were so upset with me, because I was urging him to grow up and have 25 years old, instead of doing teenagers stuff.

 

He told me he couldn't live like this, with me haunting him the whole time in his lonely nights. I told him "Well, if it wasn't her it could be anyone else!" and he told me "no, it could only be with her, she's so so special...".

 

Oh my god.

 

Guys, I'm right now in the right path to healing. I'll just think that the guy I loved died, and someone else is using his body.

 

What do you think?

 

I'm really in love with him, but right now I'm just accepting the fact that the person I love is not here anymore... And I blame myself for being how I am. Perhaps I asked for too much, perhaps I reacted poorly to some situations, perhaps I shouldn't have fought with him so many times...

 

I'm so lost.

 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS HUGE TEXT. And I will thank you FOREVER if you answer me.

[Steven1]

I know how you feel. 5 years is such a long time, my 7 year relationship recently just ended also.

 

I think you have to try and look at this in perspective as hard as it is, believe me I know how much you want things to be as they were or better, but I think he has done the ultimate act of betrayal by going with someone else so quickly, aside from that the fact that he told her everything that you confided in him, I wouldn't know where to begin if my ex did that, I know she wouldn't but I wouldn't even know where to start with that.

 

Him also saying he is the best guy you will have is a load of bull. There are much better people out there for you that wouldn't even contemplate putting you through anything like this. At least in a way though, you did answer your own concerns/thoughts about it. He is not the guy you fell in love with, he is not the person you knew, and I think if anything, the person you did love left a long time ago and I think the majority of what you are feeling now has just been a huge build up that you haven't been able to vent properly.

 

I know you will still have feelings, but I think (I could be wrong) that your feelings are probably for who he WAS and not who he IS. I think if anything your feelings are being aimed at getting him back for the person he used to be, and that you don't have feelings for who he is now. You could probably take some comfort in that, that you know he is someone else now and that he is in no way,shape or form, anyone you would date.

 

As hard as it still is, I think you probably took the first steps of moving on just by coming here, nobody would lie to you and tell you it will be easy, it won't be. I've been apart from my ex for about 9 weeks now, we went no contact for 8 weeks until a few days ago when she texted me hoping that one day we can still be friends, and I do have hope for that at the very least even though she is moving on.

 

But, as is life, this is another obstacle that we overcome on our paths.

[hippychick3]

You're both so young and have your whole life in front of you. Good for you for blocking him and going NC Use your anger and disgust for his actions to keep you away. Once enough time has passed, he will only be a memory for you. He probably did love you but was too immature to stay in a relationship. You say you still love him now which is normal after 5 years together. But, in time it will fade and you WILL meet someone else who will love you and cherish you and not lie or cheat on you.

 

Stay strong and continue to focus on you and your career, friends, family, and any hobbies/activities that bring you joy.

[Lostweekend]

The best thing you can do if you want to get back at him for all of this is to move on with your life and tell him to f*ck off the next time he tries to get in touch!

 

You are in love with who you thought he was, not this guy. As you say he sounds full of himself and self centred. Ok, so it takes two to tango and sometimes relationships run their course. You were together for quite a long time and perhaps your relationship wasn´t meant to be, regardless of this other girl or not.

 

Don´t crawl or beg for his love and respect. You yourself wrote that he said he didn´t love you anymore. Don´t let him take advantage of your vulnerable state and / or try to find excuses for his behaviour. Listen to what he says and watch is actions. He is not treating you nicely and that should be your cue.

 

Focus on you, tell him to get lost. Cut him off completely and reject any of his attempts to contact you. Just make sure you remove yourself from his life and don´t give him the liberty of dropping in and out of your life as he chooses. He made his bed now he can lie in it. Take control of this and don´t let him call all the shots. You need to look out for number one and let him go.

[Empire87]

Don't contact him again. And don't reply if he contacts you. All you're doing is creating a circle of turmoil hy doing this.

 

Looking back and wondering what changed or beating yourself up over your own blindness for not realizing what is clear now doesn't do anything but prevent you from finding happiness. What's done is done. He's gone. He's not the guy you loved and isn't going to ever be him again. So that should help you move past it since you can ovfioisly see he's a different person who doesn't have good qualities.

 

Don't make Facebook or social media updates that girls tend to do as a way of indirectly speaking to their ex. That just makes other people roll their eyes at you. No one cares. Posting sentimental quotes or crap like "don't make slmeone your priority when they only see you as an option" Is the absolute dumbest thing a person can do and just makes you look weak and hung up on the ex despite you claiming otherwise.

[TheSwanGirl]

Hi guys! I read all of your messages all over again. They give me strenght, they give me hope. I feel like ****, really. It's been two months and I still love him, I still miss him, I still want him back. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

 

Empire87, what I did is actually deleting all my social media accounts. I made a new one of Facebook. You know, it can be SO HARD to make them stop stalking me. His new girlfriend won't stop, a friend of hers sent me a friend request and everything. I had to start all over again on the Internet so they won't find me.

 

I'm so tired of everything, of drama, of feeling like this.

 

Do you have ANY idea why she won't stop thinking about me or stalking me????

 

A part of me wants him to come back crawling, saying he made a mistake... But a huge part of me tell me he's not worthy. It's hard to accept it. I still feel like he's my soulmate and that I lost him...

 

Thank you guys for being my guide right now.

[Captivating]

Hi SwanGirl,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

This crazy intense feeling that you cannot shed is withdrawal (same spot in the brain like drug withdrawal).....it takes a long f.....time but it will subside eventually.

Give yourself time, it sucks but just be patient.

The new girlfriend stalks you because she has low self-esteem. Finally she "won" over a guy from another woman, so she feels superior probably for the first time in her life. Also she might feel threatened by you because your ex probably shows signs of "zoning out" when he thinks of you. Come on !! 5 years, right ?? Like he said you are in his mind all the time. You guys have a long history together. He will compare you guys all the time, hopefully, you set the bar high in many ways so you will be in the back of his mind.

 

 

So, that's good

I wouldn't worry about his new girlfriend at all, never mention her to him at all, like she wouldn't exist ! This shows a strong self-esteem.

If you want to stir up your exes emotions, set your new fb account private, but let him see the 2 photos you will post, heading and profile photo. Change these every 2 months ! Be yourself on the photos, out with friends, hiking, smiling, bonfire, slight makeup...whatever. (covert jealousy)

Guys are visual and their imagination run crazy ! The reason he stalked your twitter is because he would be jealous seeing you with someone new. Guys are territorial

 

People get into relationships hot and heavy sometimes, they are infatuated for maybe a year then it's over. They think they are in love but it turns out, they are not. Your ex and this new girl don't know each other yet.

No, he didn't change, just very confused emotionally.

He is in a new relationship, this new girl makes him feel special, everything is new and exciting. At first it was the same with you guys too. Don't worry about them!

 

Regardless, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is to take care of yourself

Hang out with family and close friends, talk to them about this, it will ease your pain. Occupy yourself with things you like to do generally. Hiking, reading, gym, gardening, try new vegan recipes, pick up a hobby - photography etc. TRY NEW THINGS, it's liberating ! It makes you feel alive again ! When the sadness takes over you, just face it. Let yourself cry, it is completely normal. (at home or in the car ?)

I know this might sound silly, but pampering yourself, a new hairdo, manicure, a couple of new outfits will make you feel better about yourself. Eat well, sleep a lot. Also, posting up here, sharing your feelings will help you tremendously as well, not to mention helping others by sharing your opinions, you will see. Be kind and patient to yourself.

 

After a while your emotionally fueled thinking will calm down a bit and you will start seeing things more clearly.

I would like to recommend a video to watch, i think it;s very helpful :

(handsome life coach just saying...

 

SwanGirl, I hope this helps you somewhat...keep us posted, how things are, we are here to listen.

Know that you are not alone, we all go through a couple of breakups throughout our lives, it's part of the learning process and it sucks, I agree.

[TheSwanGirl]

Hi SwanGirl,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

This crazy intense feeling that you cannot shed is withdrawal (same spot in the brain like drug withdrawal).....it takes a long f.....time but it will subside eventually.

Give yourself time, it sucks but just be patient.

The new girlfriend stalks you because she has low self-esteem. Finally she "won" over a guy from another woman, so she feels superior probably for the first time in her life. Also she might feel threatened by you because your ex probably shows signs of "zoning out" when he thinks of you. Come on !! 5 years, right ?? Like he said you are in his mind all the time. You guys have a long history together. He will compare you guys all the time, hopefully, you set the bar high in many ways so you will be in the back of his mind.

 

 

So, that's good

I wouldn't worry about his new girlfriend at all, never mention her to him at all, like she wouldn't exist ! This shows a strong self-esteem.

If you want to stir up your exes emotions, set your new fb account private, but let him see the 2 photos you will post, heading and profile photo. Change these every 2 months ! Be yourself on the photos, out with friends, hiking, smiling, bonfire, slight makeup...whatever. (covert jealousy)

Guys are visual and their imagination run crazy ! The reason he stalked your twitter is because he would be jealous seeing you with someone new. Guys are territorial

 

People get into relationships hot and heavy sometimes, they are infatuated for maybe a year then it's over. They think they are in love but it turns out, they are not. Your ex and this new girl don't know each other yet.

No, he didn't change, just very confused emotionally.

He is in a new relationship, this new girl makes him feel special, everything is new and exciting. At first it was the same with you guys too. Don't worry about them!

 

Regardless, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is to take care of yourself

Hang out with family and close friends, talk to them about this, it will ease your pain. Occupy yourself with things you like to do generally. Hiking, reading, gym, gardening, try new vegan recipes, pick up a hobby - photography etc. TRY NEW THINGS, it's liberating ! It makes you feel alive again ! When the sadness takes over you, just face it. Let yourself cry, it is completely normal. (at home or in the car ?)

I know this might sound silly, but pampering yourself, a new hairdo, manicure, a couple of new outfits will make you feel better about yourself. Eat well, sleep a lot. Also, posting up here, sharing your feelings will help you tremendously as well, not to mention helping others by sharing your opinions, you will see. Be kind and patient to yourself.

 

After a while your emotionally fueled thinking will calm down a bit and you will start seeing things more clearly.

I would like to recommend a video to watch, i think it;s very helpful :

(handsome life coach just saying...

 

SwanGirl, I hope this helps you somewhat...keep us posted, how things are, we are here to listen.

Know that you are not alone, we all go through a couple of breakups throughout our lives, it's part of the learning process and it sucks, I agree.

 

 

I cannot thank enough. Seriously I can't thank you enough for this thoughtful answer. It put a smile on my face.

 

Yeah I thought that she's doing all of this because she feels threatened. At least I would be, if my boyfriend just go out of such a long relationship, even if he chose me...

 

I will try to keep a journal online, so you can see my progress and it may help others to recover

 

You're such a beautiful soul, thank you so much.

[ChickiePops]

She is obsessed with you because HE is still obsessed with you and she feels threatened. You're doing all the right things..just keep swimming!!!

 

Also there's no such thing as a hot ginger guy. Just saying...

 

(I'm kidding! Nobody attack me..I'm trying to make her laugh).

[TheSwanGirl]

She is obsessed with you because HE is still obsessed with you and she feels threatened. You're doing all the right things..just keep swimming!!!

 

Also there's no such thing as a hot ginger guy. Just saying...

 

(I'm kidding! Nobody attack me..I'm trying to make her laugh).

 

HAHAHHAHAH YOU MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

 

:laugh:

 

I don't know but it seems they're so happy and in love... She just feels the need to post everything about them in Social Media...

 

Thank you for your reply, it just made me laugh a lot

[ChickiePops]

HAHAHHAHAH YOU MADE ME LAUGH SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

 

:laugh:

 

I don't know but it seems they're so happy and in love... She just feels the need to post everything about them in Social Media...

 

Thank you for your reply, it just made me laugh a lot

 

How come you're checking their social media?

[TheSwanGirl]

How come you're checking their social media?

 

My best friend told me what she saw, so I told her to not tell me anymore. I know one day she will post a photo of the two of them and I won't be able to bare it...

[ChickiePops]

My best friend told me what she saw, so I told her to not tell me anymore. I know one day she will post a photo of the two of them and I won't be able to bare it...

 

Attagirl! You're doing all the right things. Keep it up!

 

My bestie did the same thing (although my ex wasn't with anyone..she just told me that he had friended her)..I think they think they're helping.

[TheSwanGirl]

I'm devastated. Sometimes I just wish he would come back... I felt like I lost my soulmate We loved the same stuff, we talked about the same things, we have so many good memories...

 

It seems I cannot even remember a single bad thing about us.

 

I know I shouldn't care about what he thinks... But guys, do you think he already forgot about me?

[Captivating]

I'm devastated. Sometimes I just wish he would come back... I felt like I lost my soulmate We loved the same stuff, we talked about the same things, we have so many good memories...

 

It seems I cannot even remember a single bad thing about us.

 

I know I shouldn't care about what he thinks... But guys, do you think he already forgot about me?

 

I think I know how you feel. It is an unbearable feeling to lose someone whom you have been so close in the past 5 years. Our basic need for security is compromised. We all want to be loved and accepted. For the first time everything seems to be out of your control.

 

Did you watch the video I recommended above ? So the hottie life coach says that your brain is playing games with you. It is obsessed with pain and keeps replaying the events, analyze things etc.

 

NO, he will never forget about you ! Everything will remind him of you. A song, a place you guys have been, how you interact with people in general, especially if it is different than the new gf. Remember that the honey-moon phase always ends at one point, then reality kicks in and they truly start to get to know each other. A lot depends on their communication how they resolve issues, conflicts for example.

 

He will think of you, just like you think of him. Especially when things won't go the SwanGirl kind of way

You need to focus on yourself though as I said above. Also, helping others can be beneficial for you as well, as a side effect of doing something good.

 

There is that "hope" that we hang onto so tight. Hope dies last.

When I was dumped (several times in my life) I was very sad of course for a while hoping that they come back. It took some time 6 month to a year to get over them. Then I met someone new. Most guys wanted to come back years later. By that time I wasn't interested.

 

However, I am very good friends with my first boyfriend (after high school), I know him for 25 years. We live in different countries but chat/text on fb I am married to someone else. There is no conflict. I talk to another boyfriend too sometimes. I think if you love someone once, you always will, you just learn how to handle it if they are not around you anymore. You will always care about them. (unless they were pricks to you)

 

Sometimes relationships end in a silly way, over something stupid. Usually, when you are young (and stupid!) Yes, I did that too, regret is the worst, I tell you.

 

Bottom line.

It sucks that you cannot turn off this heartache, it is terrible, I agree. It will slowly subside and eventually goes away. One day, he might regret this decision, he might not. Regardless, you need to move forward with your life. Make sure to enrich your life with new knowledge, new experiences and with great friendships. Grow and prosper. Family is the most important.

Good night ! Gym tomorrow !! Have you tried yoga?? I think it's magical .

[TheSwanGirl]

I think I know how you feel. It is an unbearable feeling to lose someone whom you have been so close in the past 5 years. Our basic need for security is compromised. We all want to be loved and accepted. For the first time everything seems to be out of your control.

 

Did you watch the video I recommended above ? So the hottie life coach says that your brain is playing games with you. It is obsessed with pain and keeps replaying the events, analyze things etc.

 

NO, he will never forget about you ! Everything will remind him of you. A song, a place you guys have been, how you interact with people in general, especially if it is different than the new gf. Remember that the honey-moon phase always ends at one point, then reality kicks in and they truly start to get to know each other. A lot depends on their communication how they resolve issues, conflicts for example.

 

He will think of you, just like you think of him. Especially when things won't go the SwanGirl kind of way

You need to focus on yourself though as I said above. Also, helping others can be beneficial for you as well, as a side effect of doing something good.

 

There is that "hope" that we hang onto so tight. Hope dies last.

When I was dumped (several times in my life) I was very sad of course for a while hoping that they come back. It took some time 6 month to a year to get over them. Then I met someone new. Most guys wanted to come back years later. By that time I wasn't interested.

 

However, I am very good friends with my first boyfriend (after high school), I know him for 25 years. We live in different countries but chat/text on fb I am married to someone else. There is no conflict. I talk to another boyfriend too sometimes. I think if you love someone once, you always will, you just learn how to handle it if they are not around you anymore. You will always care about them. (unless they were pricks to you)

 

Sometimes relationships end in a silly way, over something stupid. Usually, when you are young (and stupid!) Yes, I did that too, regret is the worst, I tell you.

 

Bottom line.

It sucks that you cannot turn off this heartache, it is terrible, I agree. It will slowly subside and eventually goes away. One day, he might regret this decision, he might not. Regardless, you need to move forward with your life. Make sure to enrich your life with new knowledge, new experiences and with great friendships. Grow and prosper. Family is the most important.

Good night ! Gym tomorrow !! Have you tried yoga?? I think it's magical .

 

You girl, you're helping me to survive these crazy days... Trust me. You are.

 

I'm so glad you're happily married. It makes me think that maybe one day I will find love again, but right now... It's impossible for me. It's been two months and I feel awful... I hope you're right.

 

I hope he hasn't forgotten me. I hope sometimes he wonders about me. I still have that hope, you know... That he realizes that he doesn't love this girl and that he misses me. I miss him like crazy.

 

I'm adopting a cat next month, I'm going to the spa, the gym, pampering myself, struggling to survive... Going out with friends... But my anxiety levels are too high and my psycologist sent me to a psychiatrist to start taking anxiolytics. I can't breathe, I can't eat... It's actually painful. Phisically exhausting.

 

 

Thank you so much for taking care of me, for your time to answer me. I'm trying to help others by asnwering them as well.

 

[Captivating]

You are welcome! I am so glad that my advice helps you somewhat.

Like I said before, you are experiencing a withdrawal that it is very hard to handle because it doesn't seem to subside ever. BUT IT WILL !!! Just be patient and have faith that this feeling will calm down.

It took me about 4-5 months to be myself again and to reclaim a clear-thinking head

 

SwanGirl, you will be there in no time. Yes, you will think about him after that daily but you will be fully functional and you will be ready conquer the world again.

Right now he seems perfect for you, but in 6-12 months he will be off the pedestal, you will start to see him and the situation more clearly.

Yes, you will find love again.

Good job on pampering yourself, awesome ! Gym, walks in the sun, watching funny movies, or a standup comedian and laughter are generally really helpful.

Have a great weekend ! ttyl

[TheSwanGirl]

Hi guys. You can read my thread on break ups ("After 5 years, he left me for someone else")

 

I don't know what to do to keep myself alive. It's been two months since he left me for her. I just adopted a cat, I'm going out with my friends, I work, I work out, I read, I try to have fun...

 

Nothing. The only thing that truly made me smile and feel "alive" was my kitten... She's family now (even though I'm allergic to her...)

 

I KNOW I shouldn't want to know what's he's doing with her, I know I must forget him and don't care about what he's thnking... I know all of this. But I can't stop thinking about what he said. He said that he will always love me, that "if it's not you, it's no one. I couldn't be with anyone else. Just you... It's you or nothing". How could someone change so much?

 

He's my first love, my first everything I feel like I will never get over him. Like I will always love him. I'm very passionate and he was very passionate too, so I can't see myself with anyone else. It was us against the world.

 

Do you think he could forget me??? I know I shouldn't care. But I do. Maybe I look for his validation. But without him life is so boring. Everyone else is the same. He's the only one I can see myself forever. I love him very deeply, with so much passion... I can't help but wonder if all these years have been a lie.

 

I'm going to meet his sister to give him his stuff back, with a pen drive full of our memories (he doesn't have any pictures from Ireland, I deleted them all. Maybe he wants those pictures, even if I'm with him in those photos). I'm going to put our Adventure Book, our flight tickets, our blink-182 tickets, and everything else.

 

I hope sometimes he wonders about me. I don't know. I wish he would come back...

 

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to get anxiolytics... I'm seeing my therapyst and she said she was truly concerned. She doesn't like to give any medication to her patients, but I called her from work because I can't even focus, I can't breathe, I can't move when I'm having anxiety attacks...

 

I can't forget him. I think I lost The One.

 

Thank you for reading me...

[jen1447]

I don't want to trivialize what you're going thru hon but about 10 million other ppl on earth are going thru it right now too. 2 months out is early yet and you're still in the shock phase.

 

Heartache is bscly a physiological function - you have to detox from the feel-good chemicals your brain was fixing you with every day like a pusher but aren't getting anymore. That can take a while. The intellectual/emotional part plays into the withdrawal symptoms no doubt and makes those sensations acute, but they'll fade too as you detox and get over the sudden loss and separation anxiety. You just have to give it time, no other way.

[Rachel39]

Reading that took me back to when I split with my sons dad 5 years ago.... I had been with him for 16 years he too cheated married her and they have 2 children.

 

I can relate to your pain I was physically sick for 3 months solid I cried everywhere even in the supermarket I had to walk out, eating meals with

Friends I'd just start crying its was such a bad time in my life.... It took me 6 months to have some kind of normality.

 

I couldn't believe he could kiss some one else or Sleep with someone as I couldn't imagine ever doing thoses things with someone else.

 

It took me many years to get over it all I'd say 5 in total and I look at him now and feel nothing and actually I'm so glad he cheated it was the best thing he could of done.

 

I have had other relationships since then one that has brought me here...I look back and honestly I didn't know how I would ever get through it.

 

The one thing I didint do was take any medication because as ill as I was ... I couldn't stand the thought of a man putting me on antidepressants whist he moved On with his life and the withdrawal of coming off them...

 

I couldn't sleep for days and then would have a day of sleeping a day of not it went on for an months.

 

What I did do was hit the gym every single day I took a vitamin b spray and magnesium as its a natural relaxant and will help with any anxiety. And joins led everyday I had so much rage in me I went and got acupuncture for months.

 

But the one thing I didn't do with him was ever ask for him back I told him it was his loss and then boom closed the door in him and did all my grieving in private .... He asked for me back 6 months after and I told him where to go.... Yes I know he regrets it but he made his choice that day.

 

You will move on I promise you as raw as that pain is in time it will fade.... And your life will be rich and full again it just takes some time to get there

 

Sending you lots of hugs xx

[Raina314]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain . I know that right now you just feel like death and nothing helps and it's unbearable to think of him with another girl. There's nothing wrong with you, that's completely normal for being only two months in and you're not broken just because you feel this way now. I know people say it's not supposed to matter what he thinks of you, but it does right now to you, and that's natural.

You obviously meant a lot to him as well when you were together, and even though it didn't last, he won't necessarily forget you forever just because he's with this other girl. Doesn't mean you should hold your breath and wait for him to come back, since that doesn't help you, but know also that you're not insignificant and that your time together didn't mean nothing to you. It'll take a lot of time to get over him, but you can do it. Just force yourself through each day for now, and eventually it will get better. You got this.

[TaraMaiden2]

Words don't tell the truth.

Actions do.

 

Never listen to what they say. It's all 'blah, blah, blah'....

Poets make a living through 'blah'.

Chick-flicks make money through 'blah'.

Books, like 50 shades of grey sell 'blah'.

 

This.....?

He said that he will always love me, that "if it's not you, it's no one. I couldn't be with anyone else. Just you... It's you or nothing". How could someone change so much?

 

That's prime, rare, top-of-the-range beefsteak blah.

 

I'm going to break this to you as gently as I can:

I can't help but wonder if all these years have been a lie.

Everything - is a lie. It's all an illusion. Because nothing is permanent, everything is transitory, and the one thing we should never do is hang our dependence of happiness, fulfilment and expectations of 'happy-ever-after' onto the shoulders of another.

 

A good relationship should merely be the frosting on your cake.

The cake - the ingredients, the mix, the baking, the finishing - that's up to you.

You are what makes your life worthwhile.

 

You have a choice.

Choose wisely.

Don't permit yourself to be sucked into the maelstrom that is despair. It is of your own creation.

Chart your course, choose your way, live your life.

You have one. Don't waste it.

[TheSwanGirl]

jen1447: You're right. I'm not the only one, and sometimes it makes it easier, you know? Knowing I'm NOT alone (but my two friends that broke up with their boyfriends at the same time as me, are getting back with them... So in my case, I truly see myself alone).

 

Rachel39: Your case is worst than mine... You had a child with him. But he came back, and I admire what you did. You were and are SO strong!!!!!!!!!! I want to have your willpower. Thank you for the hugs, they are very needed and much appreciated.

 

Raina314: I hope you're right... I hope he thinks of me. I know he doesn't think of me as often as I think of him... But at least it's something. I can't imagine myself kissing anyone else but him. He was my first kiss. Ouch. I'm trying to be patient...

 

TaraMaiden2:

 

A good relationship should merely be the frosting on your cake.

The cake - the ingredients, the mix, the baking, the finishing - that's up to you.

You are what makes your life worthwhile.

 

You have a choice.

Choose wisely.

Don't permit yourself to be sucked into the maelstrom that is despair. It is of your own creation.

Chart your course, choose your way, live your life.

You have one. Don't waste it.

 

 

Can I tattoo this all over my body???? Sometimes we need to hit our heads against a wall to realize we are the only ones that really matters in our lives. We're born alone, and we will die alone. I let him in my life (I never let anyone else in, because I thought relationships were nothing but a waste of time... I was truly happy on my own terms), and he completely destroyed me. But I'm going to f*cking rise and shine someday!

 

 

Thank you guys. He says it's my fault... That I was the one that lost him... It's so hard.

 

What should I give to him in the box? Maybe a letter? Her sister misses me, she says he's not the same, she says she doesn't know what the hell happened. We were a little family...

 

 

Thank you so so much!

Edited April 10, 2016 by TheSwanGirl

[Rachel39]

Yes he did ask for me back only through pure guilt and the fact he thought he could of had us both.... What did that say about what he thought of me.

 

You will get there i promise its not easy but at least don't be hard on yourself and grieve for as long as you need to that's what I did 6 months of pure hell crying been sick not eating sleeping.... Wondering when it was all going to end panick attacks thinking I was loosing my mind and he did some really bad things to me he accused me of cheating that's why he had done it and told everyone that tale .... He also bugged out home we lived in....

 

I'm still here 5 years on and look back at can't believe I loved and spent half my life with a man who could do that to me we grew up together we met at college he even had a different name that he told her and for our son It was like something from a movie

 

Keep strong you've got this just keep telling yourself that xx

[TheSwanGirl]

It really is unbelievable what happened to you...

 

I'm taking meds right now. They really calm me.

 

What should I put in the memory box, besides his stuff???

 

A letter??? Pictures? I'm thinking about printing pictures and give them to him telling him I was adding those pictures to our Adventure Book but I never got a chance to do so...

 

What do you think?