Major setback (after 8 months)

[toastytiger]

After accidentally seeing a picture of them together today, I want to add that I also have that feeling of being totally forgotten/replaced so quickly.

And I'm wondering - how do you shake off that destructive feeling that your relationship meant nothing to them? Wouldn't make sense because the love was there at one point, right?

I guess people move on in different ways.

[Satu]

It sounds like you decided to stop 'sadding,' OP.

 

Well done.

 

 

Here's a clip from my journals:

 

 

When does the sadness stop?

 

 

The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.

 

When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop.

 

 

Take care.

 

PS: You've been through enough.

[offwithhishead]

After accidentally seeing a picture of them together today, I want to add that I also have that feeling of being totally forgotten/replaced so quickly.

And I'm wondering - how do you shake off that destructive feeling that your relationship meant nothing to them? Wouldn't make sense because the love was there at one point, right?

I guess people move on in different ways.

 

Coming from a guy's perspective. Here is the thing. I'm sure you've read my thread where I described my story. I am still very much in love with my ex. But if a new girl I was attracted popped into my life today, I would definitely give it a shot and go out with her. I would date her and see where it goes. BUT until I date this new girl for awhile (couple of months) and develop deeper feelings for her, I will still harbor feelings of love for my ex secretly in my heart. And it's possible that even if I fall in love with someone new, there will still be a part of my heart that belongs to my ex.

 

Not sure if this helps or not. But I guess my point is, if you and your ex ever shared anything special and were intimate, it doesn't get just completely wiped out like that. That's not how we humans are wired. We're the only species (besides elephants) that continue to mourn those who have died and we tend to believe in some form of an afterlife.

 

Unfortunately for men, jumping from one girl to the next is our way of moving on easier. It doesn't mean we aren't hurting.

[TheSwanGirl]

Toastytiger, I'm so sorry that you had to see that picture. It burns. I mean, that's how I felt, like something burned me and then... the feeling went away. I wish I had go full NC way sooner. I would be healing at a much faster pace, but I begged and cried, and shattered my own dignity. I disrespected myself, something I won't do ever again.

 

Yeah, I do feel completely forgotten.

 

 

The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.

 

When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop.

 

 

Take care.

 

PS: You've been through enough.

This almost made me cry. I've been through enough. This touched my soul. Thank you for sharing.

 

Offwiththishead, I don't know, it's probably because you have a heart, and you are hurting and you seem sweet. But they're, well, at least my ex, I'm 100% sure I meant NOTHING to him and he completely forget about me. It's like I never existed in his life. He replaced me, 100%.

 

I truly hope they last forever... So other people won't have to go through what I'm going through.

 

 

PS: Toastytiger, contact me whenever you feel like talking. People get tired of listening to us, but I won't, I promise

 

PS2: I HAVEN'T STALKED THEM AT ALL!

Edited June 17, 2016 by TheSwanGirl

[Trinity_84]

I'm 100% sure I meant NOTHING to him and he completely forget about me. It's like I never existed in his life. He replaced me, 100%.

 

I just wanted to highlight this bit and say that we can never be 100% sure of anything. Just because we think something, doesn't make it true.

 

By the way, isn't it nicer (on yourself) to think along the lines of "I meant so much to him he's trying to recreate what we had with his new girlfriend"? Or, "I did mean a lot to him and he did love me (because I am a loveable person), but he's moved on and I'm moving on too."

 

Just a thought

 

All the best xx

[TheSwanGirl]

Thank you Trinity! You're a bless.

[TheSwanGirl]

Hi guys! You always give me great advice.

 

It's been more than 6 months that my ex left me after 5 years for someone else, and I'm getting better each day! (I haven't stalked them in one month and a half, NC with him since May...)

 

I'm doing all the right things to get over this as soon as I can. I recieved a call from a private phone number and I picked my phone up because I was waiting for a call from my phone company (which calls usually come as "private number"). When I said "Yes?" the other person, a woman, told me "You're a bitch". And then hung up. I KNOW she was the one who called me. I went to her social media to do some research after that call, and she was posting things like "I'm not your enemy, but don't make me one" or "A tiger never loses sleep over the sheeps opinions", or "your eyes maybe green, but they're ugly af, as you're sad, and lonely". Wtf. I didn't cyber stalked them, I stopped ALL the contact and he was the one who contacted me the last time we talked. I blocked him from everywhere since then, and I had her block like... before he dumped me for her.

 

So I don't know. How do I deal with this? I won't go to her social media again, but I wanted to make sure that she was the one who called me. Why is she acting this way??? Why does she want to cause drama even after six months?? she's posting about me and them all the time. She can't let go of me, it seems. I don't really mind that she posts about me, but she CALLED me, and that's taking harassment a step forward.

 

Why is she acting like this??? I don't want to know anything about my ex, I haven't contacted him, we don't talk anymore. I mean, I did nothing to her or to him. You can read all my social media and I only talk about Star Wars or new books I'm reading! I never post sad quotes or songs... Why do you want to keep ruining a life? She already did enough. Is she insecure or something???

 

How do you deal with this kind of people? Consider that I never talked to her, I don't stalk her anymore, I don't even think about her anymore... She's a stranger to me but she only talks about me and how ugly I am, how my blonde her must be bleach for sure... She only talks about my appereance. I don't let her get under my skin, but I admit that she made me doubt about myself, wondering if I'm really that ugly. She only wants to bring me down. She only posts about that, and how much she doesn't care about me and my opinions (I never said nothing about her... I don't know how many lies is he telling her. I did tell him she was only seeing him as a trophy, but that's it).

 

Any advice on this??

 

Thanks in advance, good people.

 

 

PS: BELIEVE ME, IT GETS BETTER.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Uhm.. why do you care?

 

She kinda sounds insecure in your ex's commitment to her and maybe she feels he still has something for you therefore automatically making you her enemy. Highly immature and childish on her end but again why do you care?

 

Honestly the part with the status "A tiger never loses sleep over the sheeps opinions" I like it because it is true! I heard it a bit different though "A wolf doesn't care about the opinion of sheep" so I think that status should be on your wall.

 

What I mean is you are the wolf/tiger why do you think about the opinion of sheep (his new GF)?

[bubbaganoosh]

Maybe it's because you were stalking them. You just said you haven't stalked them in over a month.

 

I know what it's like to be stalked My ex wife used to sit at the top of the driveway with binoculars and watch to see if I had anyone in the house with me so it gets spooky Kapeesh?

[TheSwanGirl]

HEART: Yeah, I shouldn't care!!!! But it just pissed me off that I was working and I recieved that call. I'm gonna keep living my life to the fullest, but not for revenge, just for me!.

 

buggabaganoosh: Seriously?????????? I stalked them on SOCIAL MEDIA. I mean, I went to his Twitter and that's it. Do you think I would REALLY put time and effort going around wherever he went?!!?!??!! You must be insane to do that... Everyone goes to other people social media, that's what I mean by "stalking". Sheesh.

[smudge21]

Maybe the fact you have totally moved on has upset your ex which in turn he's given his new gf some rubbish about you and she's jumping in there thinking she knows what's going on. Or she's just a **** who can't give him a smile in the bedroom like you used to... hey, who knows, but then again, who cares. If it continues, let all unknown numbers go to answer phone (so at least then you have her voice recorded) and carry on living your free happy life. You don't need or want toxic people in your life.

[TheSwanGirl]

Maybe the fact you have totally moved on has upset your ex which in turn he's given his new gf some rubbish about you and she's jumping in there thinking she knows what's going on. Or she's just a **** who can't give him a smile in the bedroom like you used to... hey, who knows, but then again, who cares. If it continues, let all unknown numbers go to answer phone (so at least then you have her voice recorded) and carry on living your free happy life. You don't need or want toxic people in your life.

 

I think I'm not going to answer any unknown numbers for a while, but for the rest, yeah, I will carry on with my life. Thanks for the insight, much appreciated.

[LostOnes05]

The new gf is incredibly insecure. That's basically it. She wants you to feel poorly about yourself because she probably caught him trying to look you up. Either way, that is seriously scary because people these days are capable of anything.

[TheSwanGirl]

The new gf is incredibly insecure. That's basically it. She wants you to feel poorly about yourself because she probably caught him trying to look you up. Either way, that is seriously scary because people these days are capable of anything.

 

It is scary. Because I'm well damn sure I'm living my own life and minding my own business... Thank you for your reply

[Trinity_84]

Enjoy the ego boost this insecure little girl is giving you. Let it propulse you to new heights!

[Poppyolive]

Change your number. Block all social media.

[TheSwanGirl]

Enjoy the ego boost this insecure little girl is giving you. Let it propulse you to new heights!

 

Yeah it's kinda an ego boost but I'd rather prefer to be left alone, actually, I think I'm having a pretty life right now! And you girl, you helped me like a TON. I couldn't thank you enough

[TheSwanGirl]

Hey guys!

 

Almost seven months after my BU, 3 months NC.

 

I wanted to share this funny story because I started laughing all alone while I was taking a shower. This is about a HUGE RED FLAG I didn't see then, but I see it now! The thing is I remembered that on last November, I was working and he was on his master's degree in class. He sent me a text and I will try to recreate the conversation:

 

"Baby, love of my life, would you want to dinner with me tonight?" (Take notes: we haven't seen each other on a week and a half. I was used to not seeing him, he never had time.

 

I was in shock. "Are you serious??? Do you want to have dinner with me???" I was on the verge of tears.

 

He answered "Yeah I wanted to have dinner with you!!! See you after class? Would you wait for me an hour?"

 

Definetly, I was crying of pure happiness and emotion (this makes me cringe so much right now. I'm so ashamed...) "Oh god yeah of course, are you serious?? Do you want to, like, have real dinner with me?"

 

He knew he got me and with arrogance he responded "Sure, we haven't seen each other in a while and I after clearing my schedule tonight, after class, we can meet and have dinner." I didn't realize he was throwing me a bone to nibble (I don't know if in English you use this phrase...). Clearing your schedule?! WHAT SCHEDULE?! YOU'RE A STUDENT FOR GOD'S SAKE. A student for SCRIPT WRITING. He didn't do anything else with his life. He didn't have homework. He had classes from monday to thursday, from 5 pm to 8 pm. And that's it. No sports, no nothing. But he was too busy to spend time with me, because you know, after classes he had to meet with his classmates and his new girl friend to drink something. Networking for sure (sarcasm).

 

So I was literally crying because it was the first time he made plans for us and I felt wanted and I felt that he wanted to spend an hour with me. That meant he loved me for sure!! (yikes!!! so much yikes right now).

 

 

I didn't see it then as a red flag, but guys, if your loved one of FIVE YEARS asks you to dinner after you haven't seen each other in a week and a half, and you start CRYING because is the first time he asks you to go to McDonald's and do something together for an hour, RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THAT RELATIONSHIP. If is your crush or your 3rd date, well, I guess that's great, it means he or she cares! But if it comes from your long long term partner, guys, there's something wrong. You can't be crying because he wants to spend an HOUR with you. That means you never spend time together and you're so used to it, that you feel shocked whenever he initiates something to see you or make plans.

 

I feel so stupid now, but I think it's pretty funny. I can laugh about it now! It's a huge red flag and I didn't see it.

 

I hope this made you laugh at my naivety.

 

Hugs!!!!!!!

[RocketQueen]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

 

I spend many a time thinking back and I sometimes overlooked red flags with big arrows with flashing lights and alarm bells going off. :rolleyes:

 

Its a lesson. Praise the lord for the idiots that deliver them!

[TheSwanGirl]

Yeah, love completely blinds us!!!!!

[bummer]

Did you get dinner with him that night? Was it good?

 

 

I'd venture that it's some serious co-dependency, not love, that blinded you.

 

I know the pain. The night before the final BU we made plans to meet at the gym and she sounded super excited. I texted her a few hours before to confirm, no response. Then 30 minutes before, no response. I went anyways, climbed by myself, went to our class by myself, drove to her house and took all my last belongings out of her room, by myself. I knew I was being unhealthy by that point.

 

The next day around 4pm she was blowing up my phone asking why I didn't respond (as if it was me who didn't show up). Then by 7pm she finally notices all the things I removed and kept calling to see why I was such a jerk and wanted to know why I finally "snapped."

 

"Love" blinds, lobotomizes, then neuters us. It makes us go back for more like a sick puppy who prefers to be beaten then to have no contact at all.

[Trinity_84]

Yeah it's kinda an ego boost but I'd rather prefer to be left alone, actually, I think I'm having a pretty life right now! And you girl, you helped me like a TON. I couldn't thank you enough

 

That's good to hear.

How are you doing these days?

[Unscrewed]

Thank you for that story, that immeadiately makes me get over my ex. I was literally crying tears of joy when he spent 30 minutes to talk to me after weeks of infrequent messages!!!!!!!

[TheSwanGirl]

That's good to hear.

How are you doing these days?

 

Well I am actually having a setback. Since my birthday, I think. It hurts right now, but I know it will pass too. I feel awful right now. I haven't even looked at their social media (I promise! I don't do it anymore). It just hit me like a rock that day: he didn't even remember my birthday.

 

I just feel like I won't have connection with someone again. I am truly afraid he was the love of my life, my first and my last.

 

How do I stop thinking that way? I'm still so naive... I turned 25 on 9th august, and he was my first kiss and blablabla. I feel like everyone is already in love and I'm alone in a big scary world where I can't trust people. A huge part of me tells me I won't love again.

 

I miss him these days. My best friend moved to his neighborhood and it's the worst. She's my BEST FRIEND since I was 15, I can't stop visiting her. Yesterday was her birthday and I went to her house for the first time. Her house is located SO CLOSE to his house... I was on the subway, and when it arrived to my station (his station, I used to go there SO many times... I mean, it's where he lives), I just couldn't function. I couldn't move or get up from the seat, so I just didn't get off on at the stop... I was paralized. So I had to go back and get on the subway again and this time I could get off the station. I called my friend and she picked me up, I was having a huge anxiety attack. But she calmed me (not only she's my best friend, she is a psychologist, and she calmed me very quickly. But his house it's like... VERY close to her house. I am SO afraid someday I will meet him... He will think that I'm spying on him or something. The fact is that I completely refuse to hang with my best friend in the whole world, just for him.

 

I think all this is making me feel worse. Since I was near (so so so close) to his house... It's just terrible. In fact, outside the station is where he ditched me like garbage, screamed at me and told me that I should commit suicide if that's what I wanted.

 

I feel like his old self would punch this new person right in the gut.

 

I'm not in square one, though, I still haven't cried so that's good.

[TheSwanGirl]

Having a major setback here.

 

I thought I was doing fine, but then after my birthday it all went downhill. Things I wonder the whole time:

 

1. Why? Why after being OK for like two or three months I'm like this, feeling like I'm back on april? (relationship ended on the last day of January).

 

2. I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to avoid thoughts of him. I was doing pretty good until my birthday. Since then, I've felt worse.

 

3. I can't stop asking this, and I know I KNOW what I and you would say: why does it matter? I'm still looking for his validation. But the thing is this thoughts run through my head. I feel like it meant nothing to him, the whole five years.

 

4. How can he heal so fast? I still love him. Maybe I still love the idea of him. He's like a COMPLETELY (I can't stress this enough) different person right now. I just miss my best friend, and I know he's gone, he's dead. My best friend would have smacked the sh*t out of the new guy who's in his body. He would never hurt me like this. Never. Ever. But this new guy did. I'm just glad I'm not with the new guy. I just miss my best friend, and he's gone forever. So sometimes I talk to him in my head, like he's somewhere out there.

 

5. It think I won't love anyone like I loved him (he was my first love and my first everything).

 

6. If he felt no pain during and after the break up, it means he lied for five years. My best friend was sweet, humble, he listened to punk music and usually dressed with holes in his shirts. Now he's like a posh or something. He listens to dubstep (believe me, I don't cyber stalk him anymore, I opened my Spotify after a long time -I was using iTunes- and I found I was following him. I checked his music and it was dubstep y electronic music, the two things he hated the most). I immediatly unfollowed him (sadly you can't block on Spotify). He never went to party and now he just parties and is sorrounded by people. My best friend, instead, was a lonely person and loved to be on his own, writing and playing his guitar, a shared interest.

 

7. How could I fall out of love and stop thinking how I will never ever find someone again? I'm talking to a guy I met on a dating app, but I felt terrible and deleted the app, but I'm still talking to this guy. It feels like we have everything in common but he wants to get more serious and I feel like I would only break his heart. I'm not in love, I'm still living in the past. I would love to give this guy a chance, but I know it won't be the same, I won't feel this sparks and this passion. He's smart, funny and a geek like me, and he makes me smile. He treats me well but I just push him away. Even if I let him in, he will end up breaking my heart... again. I won't let anyone break me again.

 

8. I was the one to start NC, and I didn't called him on his birthday, but I was struggling to reach to him and at least send a text, but I just didn't want to. So I didn't. And even if I didn't want him to send me a text on my birthday, he didn't even attempt to do so. He completely forgot about my birthday, and I'm sure he doesn't even know my age (25) by now. I'm like a ghost. It hurts, after 5 years of him being the first one to tell me happy birthday, now he forgot. I feel like I meant nothing. Nothing.

 

 

9. I know this too shall pass, but I'm terrified he was my soulmate, and I won't ever feel happiness again.

 

I don't know, random thoughts. Luckily I managed to stay away from their social networks and it feels a lot better, I don't even attempt to enter to their accounts because I know it will hurt a lot.

 

 

I don't have ANY hope whatsoever, and I don't want him back, because this guy... is not my best friend. I lost my best friend, he's not in this world anymore.

 

I don't cry anymore, I can live my life again, but it's like my heart is missing. I'm tired of living in the past.

 

Perhaps I will go back to therapy after taking my driver license test, (I failed the first one, duh!).

 

I don't know. I just feel unlovable and unlikble. I feel nothing. Nothing makes me angry anymore.

 

 

Just ranting here, thank you guys. Hang in there. This is just a setback, it will pass soon, I know. But I needed to pour everything out. Don't lose hope, you will feel okay again I promise. I go out with my friends, I read, I eat, I travel, I do feel joy. But you know, sometimes sh*t happens! Hang in there, I promise this is a process and sometimes you are at your 100% and sometimes you're at your 10%. Take a deep breath, and repeat: "This too shall pass. This is a process. I will feel okay."