Dealing with the GF's ex-FWB/Friend

[indecisive 12]

I am 34 and my GF is 32. She has a male friend that she slept with in college (about 10 years ago). They grew up together and she told me about him early on in our relationship. He is important to her.. She told me they were friends growing up, but recently she let slip that that isn't really the case. They knew each other but weren't really close until they started a FWB relationship in college. Apparently it only lasted a couple semesters. How it ended is unclear, but they apparently are good friends now. They have some mutual friends from back home and even if they weren't super close, I do believe her that she knew him and maybe hung out with him once in a while.

 

She tells me they haven't had a sexual relationship since college, but he did sleep at her place on new years this past year (like a week or two before I met her)... So even though they had a mutual friend they were partying with that had a decent sized apartment with his wife, this guy apparently felt more comfortable with crashing at my GF's place.

 

I am wondering how that type of thing can just be platonic now. Is that a normal thing? I like this girl. She is honest, smart, nice, and funny. I know for sure that this is my own hangups causing my jealousy (I have some self esteem issues I am trying to deal with... She hasn't given me any reason why I would think she would cheat)... but in trying to help myself not be such a tool I am coming to you guys.

 

Can you just be friends with a guy? Text and talk to him just like anyone else? I've never seen one of those friendships in action so I am curious how reasonable it is.

 

It makes me uncomfortable thinking she may be sharing my stuff with this guy or talking to him about things that she won't talk to me about. I am also worried when we go on a group trip together this weekend (my first time meeting him... Ugh) that I am going to feel jealous. He has slept with my GF, after all, and probably knows her better than I do.

 

Not only that but after we go on this group trip I am driving us all to his parents house because they are throwing a bday party for him (since he lives out of state and is not back often).. But my GF shares his birthday so it's pretty annoying to be celebrating this guy even though I want to be celebrating her.

 

Anyway... What should I do? She has been willing to talk to me about it. But I just don't feel good about it

[aileD]

I have a friend since high school that is like a brother to me.

 

 

But I slept with him once between ex boyfriend and the now husband.

 

It was kind of like , ok that was weird.....we are too good of friends for this.

 

And now we are just friends...consider him family.

 

So yes it's possible....but, you need to find out what the feelings are behind it ...are there lingering emotions?

[indecisive 12]

Thanks for sharing that. Well.. So it is different in they slept together for a couple months. I don't know how many times, but she told me neither of them were ever looking to be exclusive or be anything other than FWB. He ended up actually dating one of their mutual friends and it caused a falling out between my GF and the other girl because the other girl thought my GF was doing something shady (I forget what). GF says it was a misunderstanding. She is really honest so I am inclined to believe that.

 

I do know that she mentions him sometimes out of the blue. I think maybe because she is worried I won't be accepting of him and she wants the chance to see if I react negatively to hearing about him.

 

We have already talked about it a little bit. I don't know how to bring it up again without sounding like a broken record. I also don't know what to ask.

 

How things ended? What made them remain friends? What kind of things they still talk about?

[loveisanaction]

If she hasn't given you any reason to distrust her i would not say anything. Also, he is married (not that that ever stopped anybody) but if your girlfriend is the decent girl you believe she is then she will respect his marriage and keep it platonic.

 

Unless she has given you reason to distrust her i would let it go...and just observe.

[lolablue17]

Yes, it's normal and happens a lot, a girl can be friends with her ex, with no feelings attached.

 

It is very clear that she wants to have a relationship with you, while keeping her group of friends, including her ex, just like it was before you. There's nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't mean you have to be ok with it.

 

You expect her to be sensitive and change her behavior by her self. There is no hope for that. If you want things to change, you must take risks and stand up for you self, no one will do it for you.

 

I did it (many years ago). I've been in a similar situation with my gf. I didn't tell her what to do, but every time she went to meet a ex, I became very jealous and it was impossible to talk to me for days after. She has realized that she can't continue her previous group of friends and me at the same time, so she made a choice, she chose me. We are married for more that 25 years now. She cut contact with her group of very close friends because of this ex, who were FWB with her before me.

 

Although I didn't force her to cut contact with them, it was clear that it wouldn't work between us, if she continues everything like it was before. I have gambled and won. I could have lost, you know.

 

If you decide to make a stand, you mustn't tell her to cut anything. But you can explain her that you expect her to compromise, and reduce contact with him, because it makes you jealous and uncomfortable. It's a risk, and you should decide if you want to take it.

 

After all been said I'm willing to put money on the roulette, and saying that although you mentioned that "she is very honest", you haven't heard the whole story between them and there's more. Maybe just a little more, but more. You might find out that they slept recently (before she met you) and not only 10 years ago. Yes of course, she is very honest, but she still hid the truth by telling you he is just a friend, in the beginning.

[Darren Steez]

He is important to her..

 

:)This is what you call the soft set up. i.e Clearly something is about to happen maybe not now but it will in the future so what she's basically saying is not only do you have no choice but to be ok with it (He's important to her) but she will basically fight you on him staying over or her going to where he is and staying over.

 

She told me they were friends growing up, but recently she let slip that that isn't really the case.

 

:)So she lied by omission. Clearly they were banging, that's kind of a major thing when you're telling your boyfriend about your "friend"

 

They knew each other but weren't really close until they started a FWB relationship in college.

 

:)So what happened, after the sex they became super close, so close he's now important to her, so close he'd rather sleep at your girlfriend's rather than the house he was at?

 

Apparently it only lasted a couple semesters.

:)2 semesters = give or take 30 weeks. Say what every Friday at a very minimum that's still 30 times. At the very very least half that is 15 times.

 

How it ended is unclear

 

:)No it's not unclear, it's unclear because you simply don't know and she won't tell you. People know why relationships end, either they got bored, someone caught feelings, it fizzled out but there is always a reason, especially since they are such good friends now right..you'd think that's something they would have spoken about.

 

She tells me they haven't had a sexual relationship since college, but he did sleep at her place on new years this past year (like a week or two before I met her)

 

:)Again her the wording might be important, maybe they still haven't had a sexual "relationship" maybe they just had one off sex, again not saying she did but she seems to leave a lot out. Again seems you're being set up for something and if you met dude or called him or met their friends the information they were both at the party might come out.

 

Listen if you're not good about then you're not good about it, but she's already told you he's important, so right now all you're doing is negotiating that's it's ok, when the time comes, that they can hang out together (and believe me it will come)

 

Whether you should be worried about your girl, I'd be worried about dude.

 

If that other girl he dated thought something was going on then it probably was, maybe it was the body language when they were together, again why did your girl and him break up, why don't you ask her, none of this unclear nonsense.

 

He knew your girl lived alone so he went to her place, they are FWB, so no chatting up needed, they have an arrangement that can be cashed in if either party are willing.

 

i.e You're in trouble pal. This never ends well. Either the jealousy will get you or you'll put your foot down, demand no contact and she'll say screw you and meet him anyway.

[doyathinkso]

Sorry indecisive12, but if I were you it would be bothering me a whole hell of a lot.

 

Call me old fashioned, but if I were to find out that the lady I am interested in had ever even been in a FWB at any time I would lose that interest and turn around and walk away. It means that being that intimate with someone is no big deal to her, that her set of values is so much different from mine that we can not be a good match.

 

You know why she keeps him close, keeps him in orbit, right? It's because if either one of them is feeling a bit horny they can move in for a quick bang, no questions asked and nobody else being any the wiser.

 

You are fishing in troubled waters my friend. Personally I would consider moving on and trying my luck to find a better catch elsewhere.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, I think you need to listen to the posters that are taking a dim view of this situation.

 

If you guys are exclusive you have every right to be concerned. I am not saying that you need to be freaky jealous but you have a right to be concerned.

 

Also, it is a fact that she has not told you everything. Dude it is just a fact. For me, her lying might be enough to dump her to start with.

 

You need to really figure out how to handle this. I think that you need to have a serious talk about what you expect in a relationship and that you really feel like this old FWB needs to get lost from you relationship.

 

Now, you may lose her and that should be ok. And look, if you have self esteem issues you need to do what you need to do to get over it.

 

A lot of women like to keep a LSE guy around because they are nice and they can screw around with other guys and the LSE guy will not notice or over look it.

 

I am not saying that is happening, I am saying that you need to start a relationship from a position of strength and equality.

 

Does that make sense to you???

[sandylee1]

Why is he so important to her? That's what would concern me. I think she's trying to make you be okay with this close friendship and I would be uncomfortable with that.

 

I wouldn't want to celebrate her birthday with him either. Lolablue was spot on. You can't control her but you don't need to put up with it. Don't force yourself to accept it and don't feel

bad for not accepting it.

 

I wouldn't get involved with a man who wanted his Ex FWB that close. I'd simply say "thanks for upfront about it all, but I dont want to be in a relationship with your Ex that close."

 

No need for me to invest any more time in that relationship and I'm not about to be on tenterhooks the whole time. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I think your feelings are totally normal. Does that mean you should express them to your GF? NOPE. You'd only come across as insecure and controlling.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open, but until you see any evidence to the contrary, trust that what she's telling you is true - that they had a short-lived fling over a decade ago that has turned into a lasting platonic friendship. And try your best not to feel threatened or jealous of that.

 

Working in your favor: This guy lives far away. As to the fact that your GF first presented the relationship as friendship only, well, I think that's reasonable... you're not supposed to be privy to every element of her sexual history.

 

These types of friendships DO exist. I'm a woman in my 30s and I have a couple friendships that fit this exact description, and I promise you there has been nothing flirtatious or sexual about them in a very long time.

[kgcolonel]

OP, I hear you....I am married 32 years. When I married my wife, there were orbiters...she saw them as friends and most likely that's all they were however at that time, I did feel somewhat threatened. I personally think that yes, men and women can definitely be friends, text and talk etc. I personally have worked with two ladies over the years and as long as both understand the boundaries all is well.

 

The fact that she is willing to discuss this is a great sign. Talk to her, let her know what about the situation makes you uncomfortable. Also, watch for assurances that she gives you especially when you are on this group trip...tell her that the trip will be especially challenging for you and that you'll need to know where you stand with her while you're there. If she hesitates or gives you the "I don't want to be tethered to you" type of response, maybe better to back off some to see where she goes with this. You've been dating for roughly 8 months now and I can see her perspective as well in that it would be hard to cast a longtime friend aside for a newish relationship that really hasn't weathered the test of much time.

 

Hang in there and COMMUNICATE with her, don't sweep it under the rug as it will fester and destroy the relationship. Even if this doesn't work out, use the experience to get better at handling these bumps in the road. Almost any woman that YOU would want, will likely have male friends of some sort that you'll need to deal with.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Given what you told us, I would simply voice my concerns one more time.

 

And after that, simply watch their actions together.

 

Has she offered to invite you along to whatever social activity they are doing?

 

The thing about this guy's former GF having an issue with your GF, is that if she actually thought your GF was doing something shady, their obviously is some sort of history of behavior that is questionable.

 

People don't bring that type of stuff up for nothing. And especially if she already knew you had any inkling of concern. You may be looking for some reinforcement here that you are making too much out of this, however in the almost 8 years I have been on this forum I can count on one hand the times that this type of topic came up where an OP actually reported that there was no fire with the smoke. The Lion's share of these stories end up with the suspicion being well founded.

 

Just remember that it is common for the one person we would never suspect of stabbing us in the back does exactly that.

 

If you want to rug sweep this be my guest. But you do so at you own peril. I don't think anything good for you is going to come of this guy sniffing around your GF. If I had a dime for every time one of these stories goes tits up, I'd be rich enough to buy this platform.

 

Good Luck.

[jen1447]

I've got 2 diff tacks here ....

 

First one is do yourself a favor and don't act butthurt about it. At all. That will only make you look insecure and needy which will just make you less attractive ultimately and ironically put you in a weaker position as regards this guy. If you're Mr. Confident tho (not cocky, just secure), that'll tell your GF you're above it all and owning the situation in general. She'll like that.

 

Now as for the guy, the problem w ex FWBs IME is given they've effed before and it was just effing, it's very easy to slip back into that if the circumstances are right. Do with that what you like - personally it still doesn't bother me but I can see how it would other ppl. Probably what you should ask yourself is a situation where your GF has a close friend who she's banged before tenable to you in general. You can't really stop her having the friends she chooses, so if it's a dealbreaker then consider ending it but w dignity (no crying butthurt over it being unfair etc.), and if not then don't say anything about it at all and proceed to be genuinely ok w it.

[road]

I've got 2 diff tacks here ....

 

First one is do yourself a favor and don't act butthurt about it. At all. That will only make you look insecure and needy which will just make you less attractive ultimately and ironically put you in a weaker position as regards this guy. If you're Mr. Confident tho (not cocky, just secure), that'll tell your GF you're above it all and owning the situation in general. She'll like that.

 

Now as for the guy, the problem w ex FWBs IME is given they've effed before and it was just effing, it's very easy to slip back into that if the circumstances are right. Do with that what you like - personally it still doesn't bother me but I can see how it would other ppl. Probably what you should ask yourself is a situation where your GF has a close friend who she's banged before tenable to you in general. You can't really stop her having the friends she chooses, so if it's a dealbreaker then consider ending it but w dignity (no crying butthurt over it being unfair etc.), and if not then don't say anything about it at all and proceed to be genuinely ok w it.

 

 

Can't act weak in front of GF.

 

 

Though no way would I be in a relationship with a woman that still kept a past BF/lover in her life.

 

 

Tell her to choose which one she wants to have in her life the ex or you because she can't have both if she wants you.

 

 

She won't get rid of the ex then go NC on her.

 

 

She waffles and tries to stall then you go NC on her.

[smackie9]

To be fair she has been up front about it and is open to discuss it with you at anytime about anything. She put it out there that their relationship is here to stay so there is no need for an ultimatum like the above poster has suggested. It will be up to you to accept it or not, those are your choices....stay and work with her on this, or breakup.

[sandylee1]

As Jen said ... they've had sex with no attachment before. What's to shop that happening again when he stays over at her place. It's very easy to slip back into it. They know each other's bodies. What they like and dislike. It just wouldn't work for me.

 

Where do you see or want this relationship to head? Because I wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels the need to keep their Ex FWB in their life forever like she does.

 

I'd make my exit from it all before my feelings got too deep.

[doyathinkso]

To be fair she has been up front about it and is open to discuss it with you at anytime about anything. She put it out there that their relationship is here to stay so there is no need for an ultimatum like the above poster has suggested. It will be up to you to accept it or not, those are your choices....stay and work with her on this, or breakup.

 

 

Do not accept it. If you do you will live to regret it.

[sandylee1]

I meant ... What's to STOP that happening again when he stays over *

[smackie9]

Hey nothing wrong with setting some realistic boundaries. I'm sure she will be open to hear you out and make some adjustments. But you can't expect her to delete him from her life completely.

[smackie9]

And omg people it's not going to happen again. It was 10 years ago, people grow up change and become different people.

 

I'm still friends with my ex from when we were teenagers.....there has never been a moment I would ever consider sleeping with him again. We have friends in common, so why should I block delete someone just because we had sex at one time (about two, three months it lasted for).

 

I guess there are a few of us who are not the jealous type on here.

[doyathinkso]

Boolsheet!!

[Standard-Fare]

As Jen said ... they've had sex with no attachment before. What's to shop that happening again when he stays over at her place. It's very easy to slip back into it. They know each other's bodies. What they like and dislike. It just wouldn't work for me.

 

Where do you see or want this relationship to head? Because I wouldn't want to be married to someone who feels the need to keep their Ex FWB in their life forever like she does.

 

I'd make my exit from it all before my feelings got too deep.

 

^^^

This sounds really dramatic to me.

 

The GF and her friend had a casual thing over a decade ago, and not to mention during a completely different stage of life when they were barely past adolescence. If their sexual bond had been strong enough, this would have carried on at some points during the past 10 years.

 

But the GF is saying it morphed into benign friendship, and the OP has no valid reason to doubt that. I don't see the point in making worst-case, distrustful assumptions.

 

Realistically, if this were an ongoing sexual thing, even if that attraction was unexplored, their relationship would be more "dramatic" and fraught with tension. The OP would pick up on that and he would be talking about that here. Instead, it really does sound like a low-key kind of friendship that shouldn't be threatening.

[Darren Steez]

To be fair she has been up front about it and is open to discuss it with you at anytime about anything. She put it out there that their relationship is here to stay so there is no need for an ultimatum like the above poster has suggested. It will be up to you to accept it or not, those are your choices....stay and work with her on this, or breakup.

 

Not really. First they were friends, then probably after probing she offered up they banged

[BluesPower]

I gotta say, a lot of us agree most of the time, but on this one....

[BluesPower]

I gotta say, most of us agree a lot on most stuff, but I have to go in the against column.

 

If they were FWB's, even if it was 10 years ago, and the dude stays at her house for whatever reason... You know, smoke a little, few glasses of wine who knows what could happen.

 

I am on good behavior myself and there are a ton of woman that I would not trust myself with in a sleepover situation. And I would not have to look very far. I am not out of control, or trying to get laid, I just would not put myself in that situation. I mean how many men have be in the situation where she pushes a little and you just say, "FU** it, I'm in".

 

If they are in an exclusive relationship, he should have a problem with it.

 

I really do not think the situation is cool at all.