My wife walked out on me, Looking for strength

[John03]

Just a few days ago my wife of just 7 months uttered the words I never thought I'd hear "I don't want to be married anymore". At first I thought it was a joke or she was just upset about something but sadly it wasn't. From there everything just went downhill. The next day she took all her stuff and moved back to her parents.

 

I was completely shocked, we have been together for 7 years and only married 7 months. She said that I loved her more than she loved me and that she was feeling like our connection was gone. But the main thing was that she didn't want to be married anymore. The thing that hurts the most is how she left. I understand if you don't love me anymore or can't handle married life but the fact that she left so abruptly and checked herself out of the relationship really stings. It shows me she had been thinking about this for awhile and didn't want to solve the problems. We had been to pre-marital counseling before and I felt we knew that marriage entailed work. I thought if we did have problems she would be more willing to mention counseling early on because it was such a good method for working on our relationship before.

 

As of now I don't know what I want to happen anymore. Part of me wants to get back together with her and the other half wants to leave and start a new life. I'm only 31 and we didn't have any kids, no house and limited assets. If it does end then it would be easy and not complicated. We have agreed to go to counseling to discuss the issues but I think its really just to talk to someone as we discuss in detail a little more of why she is leaving. She seems pretty set on going (obviously if she moved all her stuff and didn't tell me) and I don't suspect it will make her move back home. And in all honesty I really don't know if I want her back anymore, she did this to me once when we were dating and I bent over backwards to change and keep her. Now this happens and it makes me think do I really want to be with someone like this.

 

Anyways is anyone going through the same or have any insight?? I'd love to hear, its nice to know that there are people out there who have been in the same boat as me.

 

I can offer more details about what she said and the past.

 

Just gotta keep being positive and strong!!!

[Jeff1690]

I understand if you don't love me anymore or can't handle married life but the fact that she left so abruptly and checked herself out of the relationship really stings. It shows me she had been thinking about this for awhile and didn't want to solve the problems.

 

My wife of 23 years did basically the same thing. Of course I failed to see the red flags. I believe the way your wife left you with no explanation means she has made up her mind. I know my wife had to have been planning her disappearing act for over a year.

 

Try to save your marriage if you can. But if you fail to see her working towards solving the problems, walk.

[John03]

Thanks.....yeah I want to see how counseling goes then I will go from there. If she is willing to work then I am too, but I don't want to chase her anymore. I know I'm not perfect and she isn't either but it just feels like she would have given it more time to work and put more effort in.

[planning4later]

This was probably a huge blessing in disguise. Would you want someone to stay with you tho didn't love you? Secondly, imagine if you had kids with her. You lucked out, my friend. I know that seems cras, but in 2 years when you're healed of this you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

[bubbaganoosh]

she did this to me once when we were dating and I bent over backwards to change and keep her. Now this happens and it makes me think do I really want to be with someone like this.

 

If she did this before then let her go. If she comes back then your always going to wonder when the other shoe will drop. That isn't any way to live.

 

Go get a lawyer, file and be done with it and let her know that she should keep walking. Don't ask her to come back.

[John03]

Yeah it does scare me if we were to get back together, have children and then she does this again. She could leave and take the kids one day or just leave all by herself.

 

The sad thing is I always suspected she could do something like this again, I just had faith in her that she grew past this. So I'm not surprised and my emotional state is actually OK........I'm still sad, hurt and angry but I'm not depressed.

[planning4later]

Yeah it does scare me if we were to get back together, have children and then she does this again. She could leave and take the kids one day or just leave all by herself.

 

The sad thing is I always suspected she could do something like this again, I just had faith in her that she grew past this. So I'm not surprised and my emotional state is actually OK........I'm still sad, hurt and angry but I'm not depressed.

 

As they say, the best predictor of future behavior...is past behavior. People's character generally is fixed. Some people I am convinced are not made for a monogamous lifetime relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

She seems pretty set on going (obviously if she moved all her stuff and didn't tell me) and I don't suspect it will make her move back home.

 

Were you out of town? How does someone move their half of a household full of stuff without you noticing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[John03]

Were you out of town? How does someone move their half of a household full of stuff without you noticing?

 

Mr. Lucky

Hello Mr. Lucky,

 

No I was not out of town......I went to work in the morning and when I cam back in the evening she had taken all of her clothes, shoes, personal items and things to her parents. They only live about 30 mins away so I'm assuming she got up after I left for work and made a couple of trips. We don't have much stuff, we only have a one bedroom apartment and all the furniture and big stuff is still here. But her personal items are all gone.

[LancasterAmos1966]

If she is willing to work then I am too, but I don't want to chase her anymore.

 

 

John03, I'm very sorry you are facing this situation. If you don't reconcile, you will need to grieve the loss of your dreams with her, grieve your companion, your Lover, probably best friend, and of course grieve that you lost your wife.

 

You have a good attitude and you have good knowledge!! You are a bit ahead of where most of us started.

 

You are willing to work on this together, but you will not go begging or chase after her. Good for you. I forget how much time I wasted chasing and begging, but wow, I wish I could turn the clock back and do that over without any begging or chasing. Made a fool out of myself, acting like I could not live without her!! My actions were foolish because the truth is that I can live fine without my wife, and so can you.

 

Knowing that your wife wants to be set free is important to find out....and of course, her actions sure indicate that is what she wants. Nothing wrong with being 100 percent sure.

 

I just spoke to a nurse yesterday in my doctors office....married 10 years, and she wants to be set free. Her husband will probably wind up begging and chasing until he realizes it is useless. Then there will be a messy divorce, and instead of her husband thanking her for sharing 10 years of marriage, they will probably wind up hating each other.

 

You might want to google the 5 stages of grief to find out where you are in the recovery process. You can be married 2 hours or 20 years --- the emotional pain is really no different!!

 

Wishing you well.

[Lowrider93]

Hi John

You are so young with your whole life ahead of you, don't waste anymore time worrying about what she wants.

 

Do your own thing!

[Marc878]

If you are smart you will move on from this. Now!!!!!!

 

If you want closure check your phone bill.

 

If there was someone else it'll be there.

[oldshirt]

This is a loss and a big change in your daily routine so you are going to be upset and sad etc.

 

However I do think you are looking at it pretty reasonably and do have your feet on the ground for the most part.

 

At this stage of the game your priority needs to be to protect yourself legally and financially. You can worry about the emotional stuff later. Right now you need to make sure she doesn't empty out your bank accounts and take off with all your property to hit the beach or make house with her new boyfriend.

 

Step # 1 is to get a lawyer today and start working on protecting your assets and ensuring that she can't do you any legal or financial harm.

 

You can worry about the "why?"s and the emotional stuff once she can't do you any actual harm.

 

Do that now. If she will do this, she is capable of anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

No I was not out of town......I went to work in the morning and when I cam back in the evening she had taken all of her clothes, shoes, personal items and things to her parents. They only live about 30 mins away so I'm assuming she got up after I left for work and made a couple of trips. We don't have much stuff, we only have a one bedroom apartment and all the furniture and big stuff is still here. But her personal items are all gone.

 

Unless there's something you're not telling us on your part - withholding affection, emotional abuse, excessive porn/gaming/pot smoking, etc. - everything about this screams "other man", OM in LS speak.

 

In that light, many here have given you prudent advice regarding your legal, financial and personal affairs. Get them in order and make your decisions from a position of strength...

 

Mr. Lucky

[John03]

Hello everyone, thank you for the post. I will start to get my finances in order and protect myself. I can worry about the emotional stuff later and take care of the important stuff now. I don't know if she has been talking to anyone else because we do spend most of our time together, but I'll look into it. When she told me she didn't want to be married anymore I asked her about dating other guys and she said it isn't about other guys and that she just wanted to be by herself.

 

As for mr. Lucky's questions, I don't smoke pot, plays video games and haven't watched porn in a while. I don't talk down to my wife or abuse her emotionally. Talking down to her, bullying her, controlling her and criticizing her is something I don't do. As I stated the pre marital counseling really opened my eyes to some of these things before. I may have said one or two things when we fought about something but apologized for it right after.

 

Now with affection.....this is where it gets complicated and I'll try to be breif. Our sex life has been up and down ever since we got together. She's very religious so it's hard for her to be intimate because she feels it's wrong and fights the urges. Anyways after we got married its been the same, sometimes she is ok but other times she is not. Her therapist told her not to have sex until she is comfortable and once I heard that I haven't been trying as hard to be intimate. I've been just trying to be there for her mentally and emotionally. Furthermore the night before she left she also said she didn't want to have sex with me and that shouldn't a wife want to do that.

 

Anyways back to the therapy, She has been in therapy since we got married because she feels this is a big change to deal with, misses her parents and is depressed (sorry I didn't mention this earlier).

 

Again everyone thank you for posting and writing back it helps! I have the therapy session with her later today and I will try to give an update tonight on what happened.

[GorillaTheater]

How old is your wife? From what you've described, she sounds young.

[John03]

How old is your wife? From what you've described, she sounds young.

Yeah she's younger than me, 28.

[oldshirt]

Assuming there isn't some kind of bad behavior on your part (ie abuse, infidelity, neglect, alcoholism/drug abuse, chronic unemployment etc etc)

 

That leaves a couple possibilities -

 

- another man

 

- lack of attraction for you.

 

- she has deep-seated issues.

 

That she is involved with another man is a possibility. Your due diligence would be to thoroughly go through her phone bill, computer, phone, enails, Facebook etc . Don't ask her, she will just say no then go deeper under ground.

 

Lack of attraction is a very real possibilty and is likely a strong factor even if one of the other conditions apply. Since this has always been an underlying theme, she's probably just not into you. Since she was religious and getting into her upper 20s, she may have simply taken whatever opportunity to marry that came along and that happened to be you.

 

But regardless of what other factors are playing into this, I think a big component of it is just just has issues- always has, always will.

I think it would be very wise of you to do some soul searching and determine if this is how you want to live or not. It's not like she is just going to snap out of it and be normal and healthy and want to have a happy and healthy relationship with you. This is how she is and this is the reality of how it will be.

[stillafool]

At your wife's age I would bet anything it's another man.

[stillafool]

 

 

Now with affection.....this is where it gets complicated and I'll try to be breif. Our sex life has been up and down ever since we got together. She's very religious so it's hard for her to be intimate because she feels it's wrong and fights the urges. Anyways after we got married its been the same, sometimes she is ok but other times she is not. Her therapist told her not to have sex until she is comfortable and once I heard that I haven't been trying as hard to be intimate. I've been just trying to be there for her mentally and emotionally. Furthermore the night before she left she also said she didn't want to have sex with me and that shouldn't a wife want to do that.

 

.

 

If your wife were really religious she would know that it is a sin to withhold her body from her husband. So that just doesn't fly. Unless you want a sexless marriage you should move forward with divorce.

[Bufo]

You've gotten some valuable and consistent advice here. I'm not going to echo what they've said since they've said it so well. I just have a couple things to add .

 

First you have no ideas how much easier it is to get divorced before kids and mortgages arrive on the scene. Separating financially is lot easier

 

 

since it's not that hard to track six months of income, incursion of debt, and income. An FBI forensic accounting team is virtually needed after some years of marriage.

 

Second living with a spouse who resents sex for whatever reason and only grudgingly give it is not a pleasant way to live. It's not going to get better with time. And it is likely to spill over into other parts of the marriage. EG you'll someday think why should I waste time going to her parents for X holiday when I haven't had sex with her in Y months. Not logical but those thoughts will develop. And create more discord .

 

Third, and I mean no offense to other posters here, why did she get married to you if she immediately needed counseling presumably about getting married in the first place. I detect a well meaning but ineffective faith based counselor here who is a cheerleader for the marriage rather than one who helps the patient figure things out. Maybe I'm wrong here but you don't want a life long basket case to work on.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Bufo
iPhone is semi literate

[NHappy]

My parents actually divorced after a similar circumstance...several years together and once they were married it was over. The timeline is identical, almost.

 

I don't have the same perspective most do in this, even though I despise my ex and based on what he's done in the past I could get him put in jail. I wouldn't, though, for good reason... do you really want to see someone do badly? Who does that benefit?

[Snottie Dottie]

Hi John. I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. Do you think the counseling she is willing to go to now could possibly be a good thing? I encourage you to do everything reasonably possible to reconcile the marriage. Most of all take care of yourself, be encouraged and keep your chin up. If she won't consider counseling and you would like to speak with a licensed counselor at no charge, you can call Focus on the Family at 855-382-5433. They are really a great ministry to families.

[Friskyone4u]

John,

 

Sorry for your situation but go back and read Old Shirt's post to you, especially the three reasons he listed.

 

Until you get some answers, which she obviously is not going to give you, no advice given to you is based on any kind of factual information.

 

My guess is you will discover there is another man involved somehow here in some way based on what you have posted. Since she is gone physically you cannot do the normal snooping, so I would take the advice and get the phone bills if you can and see if any numbers you do not recognize appear a lot and at crazy times. If the answer to that is yes, you have your answer.

 

Regardless, you are a YOUNG man and are making a big mistake to play the Pick me game here. As someone has said, think oif how this would have played out if vyou had kids involved.

 

It is hard , but you really should detach and move on. Seven months married and this. Not a way to face the future with this woman.

[oldshirt]

Hi John. I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. Do you think the counseling she is willing to go to now could possibly be a good thing? I encourage you to do everything reasonably possible to reconcile the marriage. Most of all take care of yourself, be encouraged and keep your chin up. If she won't consider counseling and you would like to speak with a licensed counselor at no charge, you can call Focus on the Family at 855-382-5433. They are really a great ministry to families.

 

Focus on the family is Christian agenda group that is heavily biased towards keeping couples married even though there may be horrible abuses or maltreatment taking place.

 

The practices and so called therapies used by FOTF are not evidence-based nor rooted in actual western science or practical application. They are not real counselors or therapists with the best interests of the clients in mind. They are faith-based preachers and church advocates with a religious bias.