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18 months on...


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present_tense

Hi,

 

Don't know if this is on the right part of the forum, but reading some people's stories over the past few months has really helped. I was the OM in an A that ended the best part of 18 months ago. Similar to a lot of other people's stories (more of the OWs stories) I was promised a lot that never came to be and the A ended abruptly and quite messily, we never talked or met up and it was all confused, emotional texting. Anyway, following an argument I was told she didn't want to hear from me again until she called me a few times a few weeks later. I always wanted to return the calls but thought it was for the best. And I've had no contact with her in almost 18 months! However despite many ups and downs, I still wonder what the entire story was, what was true/wasn't true. And I crave contact with her, it's been a struggle not to reach out at times. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get over her - and maybe some including myself at times don't think I deserve to. But I know she probably has moved on and is either doing the same again or hopefully working on her marriage. I was wondering if anyone had any advice from similar experiences, including if anyone contacted their ex AP to clear the air?

 

Cheers in advance

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I'm sorry you're going through this. Find/Google information on "ambiguous loss" and how to cope with it. Your loss is valid. Take steps to build resiliency and try to embrace paradoxical thinking instead of fighting it. Find others who you can talk to and share your pain.

 

Closure comes with honesty. Do you reasonably believe (be honest with yourself) that if you contacted her, she would provide you with an honest answer? And if she could, ask yourself, would you be satisfied with that answer?

 

I know it hurts so bad but hang in there. I wish you the best.

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present_tense

Thanks for that, it is helpful and will certainly look it up. I think at this stage, I know I won't get answers or even if I did I wouldn't believe them like you said. Whatever kind of trust I had went, I think the contact for me is more about missing her as a friend and not being happy with the ending.

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MidnightBlue1980
Thanks for that, it is helpful and will certainly look it up. I think at this stage, I know I won't get answers or even if I did I wouldn't believe them like you said. Whatever kind of trust I had went, I think the contact for me is more about missing her as a friend and not being happy with the ending.

 

Well. You are going nuts because of natural human curiosity, what would she have said and so on? This is very normal. I'd be curious. I always need to have a last conversation too. It is always Word Salad though (google it), a bunch of nothing leaving you more confused than before. You are single right? If she was going to leave her H, trust me, she would have literally shown up at your door to tell you.

 

As for closure, it's like vomit, it comes from within.

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present_tense

Word salad definitely feels familiar to some of the conversations we had towards the end when I started wanting more and expressing my needs/wants. That's helped thank you. Yeah still single, tried to get out there and met a couple of people naturally but nothing that's really made me contemplate dating again yet. I recently moved back to the area we both lived so think it has brought some stuff back up. I still ruminate about contacting her, weighing up pros and cons. But hopefully it will pass, still feels weird I managed to not contact her for well over a year.

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howtogoon2016

I did it, after 18 months I reached out. It had ended badly, we had said goodbye and it was a bit of an ugly ending. Both married. Reaching out just to check in and also get some closure resulted in a friendship that has turned the affair back on for the last 6 months. It's not a good idea. In a way I wish I had not gone back there as now I think about how I'm going to go through the process of starting NC all over again, when or how is it going to end and all the stress of an affair all over again. I know it's going to hurt and be he most painful thing all over again. I know making contact has made my marriage suffer all over again. We haven't had a D-day but emotionally I am struggling and it is evident in my family life.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide is the right path for you. Think seriously about starting NC from day 1 all over again though if you do make contact.

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Hello Present Tense,

 

Sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I'm afraid what wasn't said never will be. It's all a **** sandwich.

 

I was the OW. I stated that I was no longer to go along with his "rules", i.e. make allowances for his marriage. He never had an answer for that. It was always his way or no way.

 

So I dumped him. I hope never to see him or hear from him again. 18 weeks of NC have given me some insight into how he played me and his wife for a long time. It was his grand puppet show. While I was happy to go along with his plans, everything was ok.... step outside the box?????

 

I hope you will eventually feel calmer and more at peace. Eventually you will have to accept that there are things you don't know and never will. You must accept that or you will never be happy again.

 

Please start dating again. You might not meet anybody, but you also might make new friends.

Warmest wishes,

Poppy.

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present_tense

Thank you for sharing your stories. Yeah some of the things that were said are still in my head but I don't think I'm possibly getting in contact for answers. Although I am worried I may get dragged back in by anything she says. Truth is I doubt she'll want contact and may ignore me if I try, but part of me think at least I did try to smoothe the ending. I don't really know what it is that sometimes makes me want to reach out, maybe missing that companionship? I don't want to go back to what we had, I've changed and all her signs point to a very unhappy woman who I think enjoys the thrill, attention and escapism of affairs. It's just painful to think that's what she may be doing with others but also know I couldn't expect any less considering I got involved knowing her situation. I know I deserve better but I still care for her.

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