Lost2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 About 2 years ago my wife of 5 years and I were going through a tough patch. We had no intimacy and barely touched each other for months at a time. We loved each other as best friends but were not what a husband and wife should be. At least that's what I felt. We have two young children and anyone I tried to talk to on my side of the family told me that's marriage and people deal with it and stay together for the kids and family sake. I was really torn and after 3 months of constantly thinking I decided to ask for a separation. I moved out but continued a close relationship with my wife. I came to the house to do the weekly maintenance, feed and take the kids to school in the morning, pick the kids up from school and feed them dinner until she got home (I have a flexible work schedule where she does not). Shortly after leaving I met someone who captured my heart almost instantly. She is a divorced mother of three and lived about an hour and half away from me. We became inseparable fast and I love her and her kids. Due to the hour and a half between us and me taking care of the kids during the week we really only saw each other a few days a week. After a few months she began asking me to start moving forward with divorce and being with her fully; looking at a home to share and being around more for her and the kids, bringing my kids into her life, etc. A typical new relationship where the new partner has children. I continued to push things off causing tension and hurt in the new relationship. Basically empty promises that caused us to break up and get together a number of times over 1 1/2 years since the separation from my wife. My wife (calling her my wife because legally we are still married) whom I was still separated from was aware that something was going on but she was never really sure. I kept my kids from my new girlfriend in fear that they would tell my wife. My family was angry and mentioned to me that they wouldn't accept the new girlfriend because they were looking at it as someone who came between me and my wife getting back together. Not being around my children and having to hide our love was devastating and hurt her in so many ways. I don't know if part of me didn't see it working out because of the location, the kids, finances, or it not working out and not having anything, but I continued the relationship blind to her pain not realizing I was tearing her heart apart. Although it was my choice to leave I still loved my wife as my best friend and always felt guilty that I didn't try harder to repair what we had lost (I’m not sure that I wanted it all back, but just felt guilt for walking off so easy). It's possible that this was the reason I was keeping my girlfriend’s feelings in the dark. After 1 1/2 years of hurt and a love like I never had before, me and my girlfriend broke up. We both love each other incredibly but with me not moving on, and her hurting we decided it would be for the best. About a month ago I started talking to my wife again about the possibility of us getting back together. At the same time, I was reached out to by my ex-girlfriend about a situation she was going through, and all the feelings came back. I'm now in a situation where I have this beautiful woman that I love so much and could see myself spending my life with, and my wife who is my best friend and for some reason I could never fully move forward from. When I start to weigh the situation out I literally flip flop back and forth every minute of the day. If I choose to move forward with a divorce, I move closer to where she lives now due to conditional issues with her divorce and not being able to leave her state with the kids. On the other side I have two beautiful kids that I feel will be devastated if I leave to live with someone else and their kids, and a wife I couldn't bring myself to divorce over almost 2 years of separation. All being said it's tearing me apart in side. I have an empty feeling all the time because I don't know what the future holds for me if I go one way or the other, and I know I am crushing my kids and one of my love’s hearts. I spoke to my wife the other day and came clean about everything that has been going on while we have been separated. Surprisingly she was hurt but okay with it. Now I have one saying "all or nothing", and the other willing to repair and rebuild. I continue to give both women and situations hope and cannot survive this way. I come from divorced parents and I saw firsthand the lack of time myself and my siblings spent with my father, and I don't want that with my kids. I love them very much and want to continue to drive them to/from school and do everything a father does on a daily basis, but If I move I'm not sure it is possible without either hurting my new relationship or the time with my kids due to the distance. Where do I turn, what do I do, how do I make it right? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I come from divorced parents and I saw firsthand the lack of time myself and my siblings spent with my father, and I don't want that with my kids. I love them very much and want to continue to drive them to/from school and do everything a father does on a daily basis, but If I move I'm not sure it is possible without either hurting my new relationship or the time with my kids due to the distance. Where do I turn, what do I do, how do I make it right? I have no opinion about which woman you should be with. But I'd never abandon my kids, there is no substitute for being there. How would you ever explain to them or expect them to understand and accept that you left to raise someone else's children ??? And doesn't it color your opinion of your GF that she pressures you to do so? Maybe the answer is "none of the above". Divorce your wife, let the OW go and concentrate on being the best Dad you can... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 Thanks for the reply Mr. Lucky. I hope I didn't give the impressions that it was an option for me to abandon my kids. If so, that was not my intent at all. I would never abandon or give up my kids for anything in the world. My intent was to weigh out my options between trying with the GF or going back to my wife. In regards to walking away from both, I have received the same advice from a few others and I'm definitely considering that option. Thanks again for your reply! Link to post Share on other sites
startingagain15 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I agree with neither. Divorce your wife, take some time to build a new life for yourself and be the best dad you can. The other woman doesn't seem like the right woman for you and your family (kids) and it's too late for you and your wife to be anything but great co-parents together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) Your situation is similar to mine. My husband felt the same way as you. But he didn't separate. He had an affair instead. He felt many of the same things you feel for your ex-girlfriend... But she was 20... No kids. She was pushing for more and for a year or so and he gave her so much False hope, not on purpose...but ...he just could never pull the trigger on reality with her. . Just like you didnt. Something was holding him back. Just like something is holding you back. You mentioned it...you feel guilty for not trying harder with your wife. You were missing something in your marriage. If you can get that back or rebuild it into something new, would you be happy with your life? People here will say don't stay for the kids. And if that's all it would be, then don't. But if you could have done more, if you can't in good conscience leave your family feeling knowing you did everything you could to not alter your children's lives forever...then maybe you should consider putting in some effort in your marriage again. Divorces happen. They do. But I think they happen too easily nowadays. We forget that we built a life with our spouse. We built a family. Your kids didn't ask to be born into your family. Regardless of how amicable a divorce would be, it still will alter their lives forever. How will they feel if someday they ask about the divorce and (if you're being honest) you say, "I could have tried harder, but I let it go instead". What your kids will hear is "I could have tried harder but you weren't worth it." If you go back and out in 100% effort into reconciliation, and you still end up in divorce....then there is no guilt. I don't know if me and my husband will make it. I'm hoping we do. I know that he gave up a relationship he felt (ehhhh. Affairs are different) was real because (among other things but as relates to you)he couldn't be happy in life knowing we did not do everything possible to avoid divorce. He's here and he's trying and we are getting some of that *thing* back that we used to have that we thought just got pushed to "best friend" status. And it's nice. We see a future. The truth is, you didn't commit to your girlfriend because there is unfinished business in your marriage. Go finish that first. You might end up with your wife or not. But at least you'll know. Edited August 31, 2016 by aileD 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 I hope I didn't give the impressions that it was an option for me to abandon my kids. If so, that was not my intent at all. I would never abandon or give up my kids for anything in the world. You have to understand the choice before you. 90 minutes away and involved with a new partner with kids means you won't be available for your own children. As you describe it, the situation is either/or... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 I appreciate the time you all took to respond to my post and share your feelings towards my situation. I will value all your comments to help me ultimately make my final decision. In the mean time I hope to receive additional advice from others. Being able to confide in others whose opinions aren’t swayed by their closeness to the situation really helps me think more clearly. Thanks again for those who have shared their thoughts, and for those who will. I will keep you updated when I have made a final decision. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I have no opinion about which woman you should be with. But I'd never abandon my kids, there is no substitute for being there. How would you ever explain to them or expect them to understand and accept that you left to raise someone else's children ??? And doesn't it color your opinion of your GF that she pressures you to do so? Maybe the answer is "none of the above". Divorce your wife, let the OW go and concentrate on being the best Dad you can... Mr. Lucky I'm with Lucky, toss the woman and focus on your kids, that's the most important thing IMO....It is for me anyway 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1690 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Well I am a betrayed spouse. What you are doing to your wife is gonna kill her. I would suggest coming clean with her after you dump the other woman. Work on your marriage. You have a family try to save it first. If it does not work then you can walk away knowing you made a grave mistake but tried to fix it and were honest with your wife. Then go find another woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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