Low self esteem meets morbid jealousy. My story [update: sent a letter]

[NotASkunk]

Hello. I am very happy to have found a forum where I can get some support and advice from time to time. It's also helpful to know that other people have been through horrible relationship issues as well, I don't feel so alone.

 

Recently, my relationship lasting for 10 years came to an end. This relationship meant the world to me. Prior to this relationship I never was in a situation with a man that was of any value. Except for a four year relationship when I was basically a kid, it ended when I was 22, this ten-year relationship has been my only real relationship.

 

We had lived together up until a year ago when he moved out of our home. We still dated and we're trying to work it out until about two months ago.

 

Within a few months of us first dating, we were exchanging instant messages online and I told him that a man was bugging me and hitting on me. He took this to mean I was having sexual chats with this man and that was not the case. Perhaps I was naïve to even mention it at all but I have never had a man be jealous of me prior to this relationship. I didn't realize it at the time but I was about to embark on a 10 year long relationship with a morbidly jealous man. Sometimes known as delusional jealousy. He felt that this incident gave him license to snoop on my computer anytime he wanted to apparently.

 

One day he was at my house and I had taken a walk next-door to look at a garage sale and he snooped on my computer for the first time. He saw that I had looked up the word "sex" on what was then the new YouTube website. I have always been a sexual person and I was curious if there were sexy videos on YouTube. He made me feel so low and ashamed for looking that word up. Mind you, we were both in our early 40s and had been around the block a couple of times. My past boyfriends would never of had a problem with me looking up the word sex anywhere on the Internet, I'm a sexual person and I've never been made to feel ashamed of that before. I realized there were some issues but I just put it all on the back burner because I was embarking on a fabulous new love affair, he made me feel absolutely beautiful, loved and wanted in every way. He was everything I ever hoped for and I was very excited about our relationship. He was and remains a good soul, I loved him with the love I have never felt for anyone before. Just because he has some damage doesn't mean he's not a good person. I have plenty of damage myself but I have not done anything to warrant all the accusations that were to follow throughout the next 10 years.

 

We ended up moving in together a few months later. This gave him plenty of opportunity to snoop on my computer. He found innocent emails to a new friend I had recently met where she was putting herself down for not being as attractive as she had been once when she was younger and as a way to boost her confidence I had said "you are very attractive to me". Having never been very confident about my looks myself I always feel that women should boost each other, if you can land a little self-esteem to another person that is a good thing. This set him off into a jealous raging fit and this was only the beginning of an episode that ultimately ruined our relationship. He mistook my words for meaning that I was attracted to her. In a sexual way. Which was absolutely untrue. He was completely convinced I was having an affair with her, both romantically and sexually.

 

He met her when she came over for brunch one day. He later told me that he knew immediately she was a "dike". Mind you, she and I had never had any talk about sexuality in anyway. She was involved with a man, that was all I knew about her regarding gender identity. I never felt she was in anyway butch looking. We all had mimosas and a Valium and the morning got a little bit out of control. The new friend seemed to feel proprietary toward me, she said some things that were very confusing, she almost made it seemed like she was interested in a threesome with us. At one point she slapped me on the ass, I didn't know what to make of it and I didn't say anything to her. I should have, but I was confused. And my self-esteem issues…I was just as taken aback as my partner was but I didn't know what to say. At another point in this morning she was bemoaning the current state of her relationship that she was in, she was always having a drama with this man. I was giving her a hug as a way of support. My ex completely Gesalted and saw our hug as being an embrace, he even went as far as to say we were making out. All of that completely untrue. At another point in this morning she and I were outside and she was again talking about the man she was always having problems with, as a way of making a point I rubbed my foot on her shin as I was giving her advice. I knew that there was nothing about this that was in any way sexual, for me it was completely innocent. My ex, Who must've been watching from inside the house, took it to mean that I was playing footsie with her, so to speak. On looking back, I can see how he might have misconstrued that but when he brought all of this up to me after she left I flew into a rage because I was so used to defending myself, so upset at having to do it again, and this basically set the tone in our relationship. He never understood how upsetting it was to me to always be thought to be doing something sneaky behind his back when I never was doing anything of the kind.You have to understand, when I met this man he was my pride and joy. I secretly was thrilled to show him off to my new friend, to show her that there are good men out there. He was absolutely my shining Jewel. I loved him so much!

 

I was so angry at him for accusing me of having something going on with her, for months I defended my behavior. I had nothing to be guilty of. It was a horrible time. On looking back, I think I should have validated how he felt more but coming from my perspective, I was once again being attacked for something that wasn't happening.

 

I knew that I should not of been with this person at that point yet I buried those feelings, I have always buried my feelings. I have abandonment issues, I was left on my own as a child, with no support from my mother. My father died when I was 10 years old. I also have extremely low self-esteem. Rather than lose this man who had come to mean the world to me, I buried all of these feelings and I started drinking more. There were a lot of times over the years when my drinking allowed all of my anger to come out and I would fly into fits of rage and have horrible fights with my ex. I am ashamed of these fights but I didn't know enough to try to get help for myself at the time. I am now in counseling and have been learning a lot more about myself but I am still left with a lot of anger and confusion and very hurt feelings and I'm having a hard time getting past all of that and moving on. But I am trying. Now that the relationship has ended my biggest need is for him to understand his role in where things went wrong, it would be a blessing if he could possibly believe that I have been telling the truth this whole time. It would give me so much peace, I wish that this did not bother me so much. I would be able to move on if I knew that I was believed.

 

There were many instances over the ten-year relationship where he had delusional jealousy over things that were completely innocent. He accused me of having a sexual relationship with my uncle. He accused me of having a sexual relationship with one of my bosses. He didn't like me playing words with friends. He was jealous of me playing Farmville. He accused me of being sexual if I gave my neighbor a hug, he accused me of giving his brother-in-law oral sex when we were 10 minutes out of his sight once on a vacation. He accused me of dropping my keys in public places so that men would have an opportunity to pick them up and have a conversation with me. I could not look at a man in an elevator, I could not look at a man in the car next to me. he was convinced I was flirting. Mind you, I am overweight and not particularly attractive and have never been one to flirt with men to begin with. He didn't like me having any friends. He would use the incident of the girl who came over for brunch as an example of how I have bad judgment when it came to making friends. So I didn't make any new friends, I dropped all my old friends by the wayside and I tried to tell myself this was all OK. My low self-esteem makes me feel so ashamed of myself now. With the help of therapy, I am slowly gaining more self-esteem.

 

I have made mistakes in this relationship as well. There was one incident in our relationship, we were together for about six months and an old friend that I used to know from the past wrote me and asked how I was, I said I was doing well with a new boyfriend and he said he was doing well and he had a new girlfriend. He asked if I would like to see a picture of her breasts and I said sure. It was completely an afterthought, it meant absolutely nothing to me. But it violated our relationship, I know that and I admit that and I was wrong in accepting that picture. Our relationship was still so new. I knew from my prior dating experiences that no man would've ever had a problem with me looking at another woman's boobs. But my ex absolutely would not have been happy about it at all and I totally understand and respect that, I was wrong, it was a violation. He found the email and when he confronted me about it I flew into a rage because he was looking at my emails. This set the precedent for many many fights where I would rage at him for being jealous, for snooping, for not letting me have the freedom of looking where I would or making friends. On looking back I wish that I could have just admitted it was a mistake and I was wrong to except that picture. Instead, I defended myself against his invasive tactics, I felt he was so inappropriate to snoop in my emails at all.

 

At the end of our relationship I took a polygraph examination. The examination proved that I had never had any other cyber experiences with anybody except for the incident of my friends girlfriends breasts. It proved that I had never had a romantic or sexual relationship with the girl who came over for brunch that morning. It proved that I had never had any sexual relationship with anybody in anyway ever since we had met. I passed the test with strong indicators of telling the truth. I knew that this wouldn't allay his fears, delusional jealousy is just that, delusional. But I needed to take that exam for myself. I needed to have some way to prove that I had not done the things he had always accused me of.

 

The relationship continued on over the years, mostly we had very good times, he was my best friend and we had a good thing, we made a good home for ourselves and we had a lot of fun together and we enjoyed each other's company very much. Except for his jealousy and mistrust he was an absolutely beautiful partner.

 

I have never been an alcoholic prior to our relationship, I always enjoyed drinking but never to the point where I would drink to excess. I started drinking more and more over the course of our relationship and I would blow up with some regularity over minor things because I had so much rage inside of me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy one year ago that I realized where all the anger was coming from. I have been holding all of the rage inside trying to hold on to him. All of the accusations, all of the snooping, all of the things I was accused of that had no basis in reality – they all stayed inside of me and then they would come out sometimes when I was drunk. He is completely oblivious to the facts that my rage is directed only at him. I have no other issues with any other relationships in my life. I have always been very stable and held a job and while I have not had many friends I have never gotten into fights with the family or the friends that I do have. He feels that I am a narcissist because of the way I have treated him. This is bothersome to me on several levels. because he is shifting all of the blame on to me, he is not taking any responsibility for his actions and I feel that he will never get any help for what the issue really is, his morbid jealousy. It puts everything in a nice tidy package laying all the blame on me when the fact is my behavior is directly stemmed from his treatment of me. My behavior is absolutely wrong, to rage and fight with somebody and to belittle them, especially when you love them, is so damaging. I am taking my responsibility for that and I've never had a problem admitting my mistakes. In addition, he has tried to label me with other personality disorders that don't exist because he is not able to accept his share of the blame in our relationship. I am in therapy and I have no personality disorder issues, according to my therapist. I have low self-esteem and abandonment issues, it is because of these issues that I allowed myself to remain in this damaging relationship when I should've left within the first year.

 

When he left a year ago it was because I have said horrible things to him. I have accused him of being less of a man than me, I have called him horrible names, I have done all of these awful things.I tried to hurt him in the worst way I could by calling him these names. I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. He moved out and I started therapy. He was also supposed to start therapy but instead he got addicted to morphine and hydrocodone. We still continued seeing each other and we had a very nice year but none of our issues got resolved which was what we were striving for, supposedly. I learned through my therapy that the reason for my bad behavior toward him, all of the rage, all of the drinking and all of the name-calling had to do with my built-up anger toward him due to the unfair way he has treated me. I realized when I learned this that I was going to have to bring this up to him and he would have to either accept or reject it. I knew that he would never believe that I had never done any of the things he believed me to have done. I believe that he had been expecting me to finally admit everything to him, that that was what I would be getting from my therapy and with that admission we would perhaps move on in our relationship. Delusional! I don't think to this day that he realizes he has morbid jealousy syndrome. He is aware that he has trust issues but I don't think that he realizes that it's clinical. I pray that he does come to the realization so that he can get treatment, supposedly there is treatment for it. He started therapy, thank God. He also claims to not be addicted to opiates anymore, I have no way of knowing if he is telling the truth. It turns out he was the liar and cheater all along.

 

He has lied to me throughout our relationship. He had at least a dozen sexual affairs, all with men. He was once in a seven-year relationship with a man prior to my knowing him. He told me that when he masturbates to porn it is with gay porn and when he did decide to cheat on me because he believed me to be cheating on him it was with men. I only learned of the cheating when he admitted it two months ago. He claimed to have been faithful to me throughout our whole relationship. Somehow, he does not consider himself to be gay. I think that he wishes he could relate to a woman but that he has so much mistrust for women and will probably never be able to have a relationship with one. And I think what you masturbate to is a pretty good indication of where you lean sexually.

 

Physical violence has also played a role in our relationship several times. He has beat me severely twice and pushed me several times. Once when this happened I fought back and hit him in his face and he called the police and I was arrested. Another time when we had a horrible fight I threw a wine glass at the wall above his head and he had me arrested again. So you can see how horrible the whole relationship became. I still stayed with this man after that. I feel so ashamed that my self-esteem was this low. I have never had any physical altercations with anybody in my life before. This man has also hit the girlfriend that he was with before me and in the relationship he had before that with the man at one point he held a gun to this his head. The reasons as to why he felt he needed to do that have always been unclear to me. According to him they were in an open relationship and his partner brought another man home and my ex felt it was rational to hold a gun to his head over this incident.

 

The relationship is now over for good. We are in no contact mode, although I have problems abiding by it. The reason I do contact him from time to time is because my frustration is so great with not being understood by him. I have such a great need to be understood, I didn't do the things he thinks that I did. Except for this one issue, which of course is multi faceted, our relationship was actually very very nice and I think we both got a lot out of it. I don't think either of us wanted it to really end, or it would've ended a long time ago. It would've been something worth saving had he been able to see and understand my point of view. With his understanding and with therapy I think we could have got past this. Just knowing that I was believed would've made it so that I could let go of all the anger. I am a great believer in forgiveness. He is convinced that I have cheated on him many times, and said and done many inappropriate things that I never did. My biggest offenses are losing my temper when drinking and once I had a conversation with the neighbor without wearing a bra in my nightgown when I was drunk. I think I may have subconsciously been getting back at my ex for always thinking so very little of me. I do know that I kept my arms across my chest when we were having the conversation and that nothing sexual took place during that conversation. Another time, in a club I had touched a friend above her boobs on her chest where her heart is and told her she had a good heart. I was accused of fondling her breasts. I know that never happened. I don't think it was appropriate for me to be having a conversation in my nightgown with the neighbor or putting my hands on a woman's chest above her breasts, I can say that I probably should not have been doing that. But he mistook both of those things as being sexual in nature and they just were not. Both of these incidents occurred many years after us being together and I think both of them could've been another way of me getting back at him, letting all the anger out for all of the years of living with his morbid jealousy.

 

What I am having trouble dealing with now is he wrote me a letter where he called me horrible names and said horrible things and basically accused me of being an s-stain on his life and he hates me and he considers me to be a skunk, a dead skunk he has thrown to the side of the road. I wish that I would not let all of these things bother me but they kill me. To not be his friend is so hard because I do care about him despite all of his problems. I miss him terribly. I could never be with him again that I can accept, but to not even be in his life is so hard. My anger over being thought of the way he thinks of me when I know that I was never any of those things has left me so depressed.

 

I had been trying to date, I actually met three nice men and went on three nice dates. All of these guys seem to really like me and were interested in knowing me more but I know that I will never see them again because I am not ready. The first date I ended up crying at the table of a really nice steakhouse that he took me to because I was so sad that I was on a date when all I wanted in the whole world was to be sitting across the table from my ex and in love again.

 

I have done some horrible things that I am a shamed of, all of my drinking and anger have gotten me into so much trouble in so many ways. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and a lot of it has to do with the letter he sent me in addition to it already being so low. I'm happy to have found this forum. Any advice or support of how to get through this and get through to the other side is appreciated. Deciding not to date was important to me, I had thought that dating would distract me from the pain but it's just made it worse. I know that I will always have a man to go out with when the time comes, that's easy. But being ready, being happy and being available to relate to somebody will take time.

[stillafool]

I would suggest you condense this if you want help. This is too long and most people are not going to take the time to read your book.

[GorillaTheater]

I read it. What a disaster of a relationship, the biggest disaster being that it lasted so long.

 

 

I wish I knew something useful to say to help, besides not contacting this psycho ever again. Ever. In any way.

 

 

You mentioned that you were in therapy. I think that's great; if you weren't I would have sure suggested it. Therapy + time + no contact (NC) with the psycho is what you need, and I wish you the best of luck.

[MotorcycleGurl]

Terrible story NotaSkunk, sorry you had to go thru so much. Did you ever cheat on him? I ask because you say you were together 6 months when you accepted a pic of your friends wifes boobs. Did you two have an agreement not to cheat? If so maybe the relationship got off to a bad start. Hang in there.

[NotASkunk]

No, I never cheated on him and I never wanted to cheat on him at any point throughout our time together. I was really happy being a part of a devoted, monogamous couple. Accepting the picture was the only time that I stepped beyond the boundaries we had set up. What is so awful is that it was not even a sexual situation for me, the picture was never something that meant anything to me or that I Took any pleasure or satisfaction in. My mistakes were staying in a situation where I was not trusted. What I would like more than anything at this point is for him realize his part in how things went wrong and that he gets some help with his trust issues so that he can find another relationship and be happy. For myself, I need to learn to value my own self-worth and never to allow myself to stay in a situation where I am not respected.

[MotorcycleGurl]

Sounds like you are blessed having this jealous maniac out of your life, be grateful he's not around to accuse you of delusional fantasies anymore. I had an ex who did that constantly and it wore me down, I know how it feels.

 

Has he tried to come back to you? People with DJ tend to leave, come back, leave, etc. They leave over imagined infractions then realize they were wrong and apologize and try to come back with promises of not being delusional anymore, then a week later he's accusing you of making eye contact with a guy sitting in the car next to you.

 

Sounds like you both have/had issues and maybe him leaving is the best thing that could have happened. Stay busy, eat healthy, make new friends, try a new hobby, just keep yourself occupied and take it one day at a time. There are far better men out there than your ex (who sounds like a p*ssy, frankly).

[NotASkunk]

I would not classify him as a pussy, he is a very good man except for the trust issues. He had A tough time in his childhood. He suffered physical and emotional abuse from his father, emotional and sexual abuse from his mother and he also had siblings who went along way toward causing the trust issues. I have nothing but sympathy and compassion for him, I didn't have an easy childhood myself. I was left on my own a lot and I was basically raised by one parent who was absent emotionally and in a lot of ways physically. A lot of my issues stem from the things that happened to me as a kid so I get it, the point is there is help available for his issues and for my issues. That's the best one can hope for, repairing the damage.

 

In order to make the repairs one needs to be aware of the issues and I feel that he blames me instead of taking the responsibility for his part. Other than that, he is a really good guy and I wish him nothing but the best.

[MotorcycleGurl]

He took responsibility for himself and left a year ago, has he tried to come back to you and apoligize? People with DJ have a tendency to keep coming back because they know they were wrong. Starting a fight becuase your gf looked at a guy in a car is insane and he realizes it and what he has lost.

 

Trying to make sense of your situation is all, it sounds terrible. 10 years is a long time to waste on someone.

[NotASkunk]

He left our home a year ago, but we remained together up until two months ago. During the whole time we were together we both had a lot of fights that we both threaten to leave the relationship over on numerous, numerous occasions. He finally left because of my anger and outbursts towards him. We were supposed to get counseling individually and then together in hopes of working out our issues. He is unable to see that the issue stems from the morbid jealousy and my reaction to it. I would say we both did an equal amount of Breaking up/getting back together throughout the entire relationship. he finally left a year ago because he was tired of my anger. I don't blame him for that, what I do wish that we had followed through on the therapy that we had agreed to do individually and together and that never happened. I often have wondered what would've become of the relationship had we gone through couples counseling and he might've been able to see things from my perspective a little bit clearer.

 

I don't know the therapy that is involved for delusional jealousy, probably cognitive talk therapy.I know that his issue with it runs very deep and I hope he gets some help for it. He is not a pussy or a psycho, he's a lovely human being who has problems.

[NotASkunk]

One More thing, motorcycle gurl, accepting responsibility for his part in our demise and even offering an apology would go along way towards helping both of us, I think. It's not easy to admit one's mistakes, I have tried to own up to my share of the damage and I have been honest with him about my part in all the horrible things that happened to us. I don't know that he is capable of accepting his part in it though. And that does make me sad. It would be a good thing for him to be able to apologize for his share of the damage not just for my sake but for his sake too. You can't fix a problem that you don't even recognize.

 

All the best to you as well, I'm glad you got out of your situation with a good head on your shoulders!

[MotorcycleGurl]

Has he tried apologizing and coming back to the r/s? I ask because that's a key indicator of someone with DJ. If he hasn't apologized or tried to come back maybe he's not delusional jealous? As you said, he left because of your anger issues.

 

All around a very sad situation and I wonder if joint therapy would have helped you both. There are a lot of issues in your post that raise questions if the r/s could ever have been saved.

 

Hang in there, I find this site a welcome distraction from my own r/s woes.

[NotASkunk]

No, not since he's left officially, two months ago, he has not wanted to get the relationship back. Three months ago we were planning to move back into gather again and get couples counseling. A lot of ups and downs! From all of the instances that I related about in my original post it's pretty clear that he has delusional jealousy issues. While we lived together we both "broke up" many many times and we both did a lot of apologizing and wanting to get things back on track. The thing is, we had a great relationship in most regards except for the jealousy/anger issues. it wasn't easy for either one of us to lose it.

 

And yes, I am finding this board to be really helpful. Now that I feel like I'm getting to the other side of things it will be good to share more.

[MotorcycleGurl]

You are better off without him in your life, be glad he hasn't come crawling back to you only to freak out on you again a few weeks later. Mine did that and it was exhausting.

[NotASkunk]

Omg, I know. Still, there will always be that part of me that will wonder what could've happened with therapy that we had agreed to go through together but never did. Aside from the jealousy/anger problems he will always be the love of my life.

[NotASkunk]

MG-how long did you take to dump your ex? The reason I ask is because one of the things that I'm dealing with is trying to forgive myself for remaining in the situation as long as I did. Myself, I suffer from severe abandonment issues. I allowed myself to remain in such a toxic situation. Even though he had many good points, there were so many deal breakers that I allowed to happen. Did you get out of the situation pretty quickly? I wish that I had been strong enough to stand up for myself, I was so scared to lose him. I feel so much shame for that. I never knew when something was going to come up that would cause him to go through a jealous fit. One of the last ones that happened was a few months ago when we went on a vacation and my pet sitter left me some towels and bowls that she found at a garage sale. He woke up the next morning and I could tell he was simmering. It turns out he was worried that she and I had something going on together. And I felt bad! I was the one that got a nervous stomach and felt anxious. Why did I let that kind of thing happened to me? That's what is causing me so much anguish and shame.

[MotorcycleGurl]

To not be his friend is so hard because I do care about him despite all of his problems.

 

I shared this the other day, maybe it will help you move forward. All the best.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... that reminds me....I need some sweet peppers and tomatoes."

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

[MotorcycleGurl]

MG-how long did you take to dump your ex?

 

I was with him 14 years and I finally had enough and left him in 1 day (planned it for weeks), been NC ever since and have moved on with my life. You need to move on, too, he was bad news from the beginning and your abandonment fears held you in his jealous delusional grasp. People like your ex are horrible.

[NotASkunk]

It's so hard to hear other people refer to him as a psycho, a lunatic, horrible. I don't see him as any of those things. I see him as somebody who needs some help and I hope that he gets it. He really was a tremendous person in most ways and I'm very grateful to have had him in my life for the time that I did. I have way more compassion for him than I do for myself! I've got to stop that.

 

Regarding what you had posted about no contact: I totally get the points that you are making. I know that my ex wants no contact and I am doing my best, one day at a time to respect that now. I will miss hearing from him because I miss him. Those feelings will fade in time. I had truly wish that we could remain friends because we were friends! Without all of the nonsense of being in a relationship together I thought that we might be able to at least be friendly. But that's not going to happen! All good. Thanks for your input and advice. I really do appreciate it. I am very grateful to be feeling better every day. I sent my ex a letter stating exactly the ways that I had been hurt, somehow that seemed to get me over a hump. Ready to focus on me now.

[NotASkunk]

I have always known that there is a lot of redemption in offering somebody that you have wronged an apology. It feels really good to get things out in the open and off of your chest. I also have had some experience with forgiveness. It feels really good to let somebody know that you have let go of the anger, pain, hatred, etc. That even though you may have been badly hurt and no apology was offered that you still forgive them can be a blessing.

 

I have been in a lot of pain over having lost a relationship that meant a lot to me. I have been trying very hard to get past it and over it and through it, around it above it, etc. recently I sent my ex a letter explaining all the ways that I had been hurt by him. I wasn't expecting how much redemption it would give to me. Without getting a response back from him, I was able to concisely let him know a lot of things that I could never have gotten across to him in a regular conversation. Anytime I would bring up things that hurt me we'd always end up getting into an argument. I wasn't expecting to feel like a load has been lifted. I have been having a lot of trouble with our no contact agreement and suddenly I feel that yes, I can do this! I can respect his wishes and I can also have a little more respect for myself. I think I have been wanting to just be heard this whole time. Heard without interruption and without argument. It's up to him what he wants to do with what I let him know that hurt me. It really isn't any of my business or concern at this point. What made a difference for me was getting it out without being made to feel like my feelings were not valid. I am grateful to be feeling better.