All about "negging"

[Arieswoman]

Hi folks,

I've seen some reference to "negging" on a thread and am throwing it open for comments.

 

I'm not too sure what "negging" is but this is what happened to me years ago when I was divorced and dating.

 

I was with some girlfriends at a club/bar and was chatting to a guy. I wasn't interested in him just being sociable. Then he gave me a "Kojak" cigar. I said thank you and smoked it. ( I did smoke then )

 

After a while all us girls decided to go home. I excused myself and told him I was going home.

He said " I gave you that cigar in good faith"

I said "What do you mean?"

Well he said " The least you can do is give me a lift home"

I said "Where do you live" and he gave me an address that was on the way home. I said "OK"

 

Yes, I know it was stupid of me to get this far but in those days I was naiive so I felt pressurized to do this.

 

When we got to where he said he lived he said " Are you coming in, I won't try anything"

I said, No, I wasn't coming in and I would like him to get out of my car.

 

He tried to kiss me.

 

I said I wanted him to get out of my car. He accused me of being "nasty" and "frigid"

 

I repeated that I wanted him to get out of my car.

He sat there and said nothing.

 

By this time I was getting scared, so I said "OK" and drove like $h!£ off a stick to the nearest "cop shop". Parked up outside and ran in after grabbing my handbag/purse off the back seat.

 

I told the chap at the desk what my problem was, and as I turned to point to my car, we saw the guy legging it down the street.

 

I learned from this experience.

 

Was this "negging"?

[GorillaTheater]

No, that was a creepy nutjob, and while there may be overlap, creepy nutjobs and negging are distinct things. The latter generally won't cause you to fear for your life.

 

 

Negging would be more along the lines of "you look pretty good. You know, despite the haircut."

[jen1447]

Or "I have lots of options and you're kinda boring so I can't be bothered paying attention to you unless you want to blow me. [secret thumbs up and wink to bros if it works]"

 

Yeah the story guy just sounds like a douche trying on his big boy rapist shoes.

[Gaeta]

I don't see negging there but maybe others can point it out.

 

To me negging is like giving a compliment and then right away take it away with something hurtful like: You're sexy but you'd be sexier if you lost weight. It's a positive followed by a negative. That confuses women, they heard a compliment but then a negative so they can never tell if the guy likes them or what.

[smackie9]

Negging is a rhetorical strategy whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise insulting remark to another person in order to undermine his or her confidence in a way that gains approval. The term was coined and prescribed by the seduction community.

 

Urban Dictionary: Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

[smackie9]

Example: If you were a cable car and I got on, I would never get off.

[jen1447]

Example: "You're good breeding stock."

[Arieswoman]

Thanks folks, for your input.

 

I posted that story because;

 

I wanted clarification on what "negging" was.

 

To show that we can all make mistakes,

 

And that there is a need for strong boundaries in all social activities that involve the opposite sex.

 

Maybe someone will learn from where I went wrong in this sitch, and not make my mistake. We can all be too nice & accomodating for our own good

[GorillaTheater]

I'm just glad you got out of the situation safely.

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

Was this "negging"?

 

They took the words, "Backhanded compliment" and re-wrapped it, put a bow on it and gave it a "catchy" buzzword.

 

It's a PUA's method of trying to attract women by insulting them a certain way.

[preraph]

Don't even think he was sophisticated to credit him with negging. He was just a predator, and boy did you handle it well! I was date-raped by a guy who talked a lot like that, wouldn't leave, called me frigid because didn't like him blocking the door. It's their script. If you react to it in a weak way, then it gives them a huge boner from power and control. Yes, ma'am, dropped him right off at the police station. Good for you!

[jen1447]

I'm just glad you got out of the situation safely.

 

Yep - it kinda got lost in the shuffle but you handled that well once you recovered.

[Arieswoman]

Preraph,

 

I was date-raped by a guy who talked a lot like that, wouldn't leave, called me frigid because didn't like him blocking the door.

 

I am sorry that happened to you, I really am, that's awful. xxx

[BetheButterfly]

 

Was this "negging"?

 

I clicked on this thread cause I had no idea what negging was and I was curious. Now I know.

 

drove like $h!£ off a stick to the nearest "cop shop". Parked up outside and ran in after grabbing my handbag/purse off the back seat.

 

I told the chap at the desk what my problem was, and as I turned to point to my car, we saw the guy legging it down the street.

 

Smart decision!!!

 

I've driven and parked to a police station before when I was followed once. The dude didn't enter the police station parking lot lol. I stayed there in my car for a tiny bit before leaving, and didn't see that dude or his car again, thankfully!!!

[Osmium13]

Hi folks,

I've seen some reference to "negging" on a thread and am throwing it open for comments.

 

I'm not too sure what "negging" is but this is what happened to me years ago when I was divorced and dating.

 

I was with some girlfriends at a club/bar and was chatting to a guy. I wasn't interested in him just being sociable. Then he gave me a "Kojak" cigar. I said thank you and smoked it. ( I did smoke then )

 

After a while all us girls decided to go home. I excused myself and told him I was going home.

He said " I gave you that cigar in good faith"

I said "What do you mean?"

Well he said " The least you can do is give me a lift home"

I said "Where do you live" and he gave me an address that was on the way home. I said "OK"

 

Yes, I know it was stupid of me to get this far but in those days I was naiive so I felt pressurized to do this.

 

When we got to where he said he lived he said " Are you coming in, I won't try anything"

I said, No, I wasn't coming in and I would like him to get out of my car.

 

He tried to kiss me.

 

I said I wanted him to get out of my car. He accused me of being "nasty" and "frigid"

 

I repeated that I wanted him to get out of my car.

He sat there and said nothing.

 

By this time I was getting scared, so I said "OK" and drove like $h!£ off a stick to the nearest "cop shop". Parked up outside and ran in after grabbing my handbag/purse off the back seat.

 

I told the chap at the desk what my problem was, and as I turned to point to my car, we saw the guy legging it down the street.

 

I learned from this experience.

 

Was this "negging"?

 

No, it was a ****bag.

[GemmaUK]

I originally totally agreed with Gorilla here ( liked and then unliked his post - sorry mate!) but in words and actions there was 'some' negging in that he called you 'nasty and frigid' yet still stayed in your car. He clearly sat there hoping you might 'prove' that you weren't either!

Tosser!

 

You did well doing as you did - you should be proud for the thinking you did in a situation where to be honest most of us most likely would never have thought of driving to the cop shop. OK, you shouldn't have given him a lift but you didn't half turn this situation around!

 

I've had so much negging on OLD that it's one of the main reasons I barely ever date any more.

You either get back handed compliments or there'll be a question about something - you reply and the response is 'prove it!' when it's impossible to prove unless you agree to meet, totally undermine your own self respect or somehow prove that your job is what you say it is or that you don't spend 3 hours getting ready of a morning by agreeing to spend a flippin' night with them!! Lol!

 

You found a very predatory twit that night - you were very lucky and also your instincts did kick in and you found the safest way out of it. Well done!

Sorry you had to experience it though.

[GorillaTheater]

I originally totally agreed with Gorilla here ( liked and then unliked his post - sorry mate!)

 

 

You're a pretty good poster, Gemma. You know, for a Brit.

[Gloria25]

Yes, there is a radio personality on a station I used to listen to and he was a big proponent of "negging", but like most insecure idiots like him who think they got game by insulting women in hopes the women become obsessed with proving themselves, the women he negs are usually after his money so in the end he and other idiots like him get played.

 

Even though jerks like him won't admit it, they think that by knocking down these women, they won't be so intimidated to sleep with them. Essentially, they probably got shot down a lot and now wanna get back at all the evil hotties.

[jen1447]

Even though jerks like him won't admit it, they think that by knocking down these women, they won't be so intimidated to sleep with them. Essentially, they probably got shot down a lot and now wanna get back at all the evil hotties.

 

This is true ....I'm sure there are all kinds but I think generally this sort of tactic in dealing w ppl betrays a certain degree of contempt - for humanity in general, or just women perceived as maybe unattainable/aloof/'too good' and the social resentment that goes along w that sort of insecurity.

 

I won't go so far as to say it's tragic but it does seem kinda pathetic in that sense.

[Taramere]

I think that if a happy, secure sort of guy engages in "negging" then it would be the sort of teasing that you dish back and that's fun for both parties.

 

A more insecure sort of guy might use it in an effort to bring the woman's self esteem down, on the basis that only a woman with low self esteem would be interested in him.

 

But a guy telling you that you're nasty and frigid? That doesn't really belong in either of the above two categories. It's just a creepy personal attack. Since this was a guy you really didn't know, and as he followed it up with a refusal to get out of your car, I think you were absolutely right to drive to the nearest police station. Somebody getting that vitriolic about a rejection of his advances is likely to escalate it to violence very quickly.

[GemmaUK]

You're a pretty good poster, Gemma. You know, for a Brit.

 

Lol!

 

Ok, quit with the negging!!!

[mikeylo]

I guess it works only on already insecure women with low esteem. Would back fire with a self assured woman.

[Toodaloo]

What you had Airies was goading... another PUA tact.

 

Negging is a back handed compliment... "Your hair is so lovely, shame its not blonde" is an example.

 

Goading, Negging all those types of behaviours are carried out by insecure men who just do not have enough gumption about them to be able to just be decent human beings.

 

Other tricks are to wear outlandish garments like big hats etc to get women to talk to them.

 

All a bit pathetic but it works, short term, on women who have little or no confidence. Even women who have high confidence can mistake it for teasing at first. So these guys think they are onto something and carry on invariably getting worse as time goes by. Then the neediness starts to show and the insecurities that prompted the guys to start this in the first place... Gorillas example is absolutely spot on... So much so that after Gemma has slapped his left cheek I will slap his right then we can both flounce off!!!

 

I will admit it. The male psyche is confusing the hell out of me so I have started reading some of these advice books that they are reading... I just want to know what they are being told...

[jen1447]

But a guy telling you that you're nasty and frigid? That doesn't really belong in either of the above two categories. It's just a creepy personal attack.

 

It might not technically be negging but unfortunately it does work in the same way (and is used in the same way - think longterm domestic emotional abuser) on some chronically brainwashed ppl who've had their self esteem systematically dismantled and are convinced the're worthless.

[BlueIris]

Hi folks,

I've seen some reference to "negging" on a thread and am throwing it open for comments.

 

I'm not too sure what "negging" is but this is what happened to me years ago when I was divorced and dating.

 

I was with some girlfriends at a club/bar and was chatting to a guy. I wasn't interested in him just being sociable. Then he gave me a "Kojak" cigar. I said thank you and smoked it. ( I did smoke then )

 

After a while all us girls decided to go home. I excused myself and told him I was going home.

He said " I gave you that cigar in good faith"

I said "What do you mean?"

Well he said " The least you can do is give me a lift home"

I said "Where do you live" and he gave me an address that was on the way home. I said "OK"

 

Yes, I know it was stupid of me to get this far but in those days I was naiive so I felt pressurized to do this.

 

When we got to where he said he lived he said " Are you coming in, I won't try anything"

I said, No, I wasn't coming in and I would like him to get out of my car.

 

He tried to kiss me.

 

I said I wanted him to get out of my car. He accused me of being "nasty" and "frigid"

 

I repeated that I wanted him to get out of my car.

He sat there and said nothing.

 

By this time I was getting scared, so I said "OK" and drove like $h!£ off a stick to the nearest "cop shop". Parked up outside and ran in after grabbing my handbag/purse off the back seat.

 

I told the chap at the desk what my problem was, and as I turned to point to my car, we saw the guy legging it down the street.

 

I learned from this experience.

 

Was this "negging"?

 

That’s loan sharking.

 

From Gavin DeBecker, The Gift of Fear:

De Becker outlines 7 basic “survival signals” to watch for when dealing with strangers. By identifying these techniques, we can learn to evaluate the potential for danger in every situation.

 

1. Forced teaming (they project a shared purpose or experience, such as “both of us”). Response: refuse the partnership (“I didn’t ask for your help and I don’t want it”).

 

2. Charm and niceness. Response: remember that niceness does not equal goodness.

 

3. Too many details. Response: think about context (would a stranger share these details?).

 

4. Typecasting (they make criticism that can be disproved by doing what they want, such as “Don’t be too proud to accept help”). Response: silence.

 

5. Loan sharking (they offer to help to create a sense of obligation). Response: there is no debt.

 

6. Unsolicited promises (they make a promise you didn’t ask for). Response: skepticism.

 

7. Discounting “no” (they over-ride your objections). Response: “I said ‘No.’”

 

https://betterhawaii.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/the-gift-of-fear-by-gavin-de-becker/