All about "negging"

[Toodaloo]

It might not technically be negging but unfortunately it does work in the same way (and is used in the same way - think longterm domestic emotional abuser) on some chronically brainwashed ppl who've had their self esteem systematically dismantled and are convinced the're worthless.

 

Hence why I call it goading... Actually that guy also bargained...

 

Go'wan prove that you can kiss better than I can...

 

I gave you this now you have to give me that...

 

Its like he was going trough the 7 stages of grief just to try and get a shag... Damn Aries you must be hawt!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Arieswoman, all I have to say is, despite having been slightly naive and making a bad decision by letting this douche in your car in the first place, you redeemed yourself and that was one bad ass move on your part! Loved it! YOU GO GIRL!

[Mr. Lucky]

Dating strategies like this would not be employed it they did not work, that's really the bottom line here. Sad, but true.

 

My ex-wife employed this strategy throughout our marriage.

 

Wait, you did say "nagging", right ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMJ]

Just curious if this strategy has worked for anything other than getting laid.

 

How can insulting a woman benefit a relationship, for example?

[jen1447]

Just curious if this strategy has worked for anything other than getting laid.

 

How can insulting a woman benefit a relationship, for example?

 

It's complicated but here's a sketchy example ....start w a woman w self esteem issues (could be for any reason), guy takes up w her - based on a courtship of negging and goading - and gives her a sense of validation bc she irrationally thinks she's not much of a commodity. Guy works that angle himself too - "you're lucky I picked you bc not many else would." Establishes a basis of some amount of self-loathing as the foundation of the relationship. Thus love and acceptance are to some extent associated w blame and inadequacy, leading to fulfillment coming from feeling guilty and inadequate. Insults come her way from the guy, she feels bad about them but also associates them w acceptance and comes to expect they're a part of a 'loving' relationship. In order to keep that dynamic thriving, guy must keep dishing out insults so she feels 'fulfilled' and is disempowered to change anything. Repeat, and so on.

 

And yes it can happen where women are the abusers and men are the victims too.

[AMJ]

In other words, it's a dysfunctional long term strategy too.

 

Seems like a ton of work to keep that dynamic going though, or is that just me?

[Shining One]

In other words, it's a dysfunctional long term strategy too.

 

Seems like a ton of work to keep that dynamic going though, or is that just me?

I imagine that if one does it long enough, it becomes second nature.

[jen1447]

In other words, it's a dysfunctional long term strategy too.

 

Seems like a ton of work to keep that dynamic going though, or is that just me?

 

Well it's dysfunctional in that it's very unhealthy for the victim but generally very functional (or successful) for the abuser.

 

I'm sure it is a lot of work but ppl w that particular brand of psychosis going on seem to often be hard workers and very calculated. I've 'intervened' in a few of those situations and they've always been very calculating - it's a cost/benefit on investment matter to them almost entirely and the moment they believe the whole thing's become a loser investment-wise they have absolutely no problem cutting and running. On to the next mark no doubt, hopefully one who'll give a better return on their work.

[Kamille]

So what's the difference between the negging and flirtatious banter? And is it really always male to female?

 

I mean, I am known to tease a lot, but wouldn't consider it "negging". My objective isn't to make the other person feel insecure, but rather to have fun with them (perhaps a bit at their expense). And truth be told, it works, but not in a nefarious way - more in a friendly competitive banter way.

[Taramere]

The idea of guys dreaming up little passive aggressive swipes to use on women reminds me of what life was like as a 12 year old girl. All the little digs followed by hands covering up smirking mouths in that dramatic, campy "Oh no, what did I say???...I'm so tactless" gesture.

 

Or, this...

 

[GemmaUK]

Around the time I was 20 or 21, I went through a period of depression. Not helping matters was the fact that at the time, I just could not get a date to save my life. At the time, I didn't understand why, but now I know it was a combination of my depression, and the fact that I had put on a few pounds. Either way, I was getting shot down left and right, and I didn't get it. So, being the inquisitive type, I started researching how to get dates. I found a lot of blogs, advice columns, and strategies written by "experts" and since I had nothing to lose, I tried the stuff out. One of the more successful strategies I found was to be kinda mean to pretty girls (negging). I never saw it being referred to as such at the time. Instead, I just saw examples on how to do it, what to say, why it worked, ect. And I tell ya, it really does work. Dating strategies like this would not be employed it they did not work, that's really the bottom line here. Sad, but true.

 

I'm not being weird here but I suspect you do some negging but I also suspect it's teasing, not negging. Just thinking this through knowing you on here.

 

If you 'neg' do you grin, laugh, and dig your elbow into her?

Or are you straight faced and totally mean what you neg about?

[jen1447]

So what's the difference between the negging and flirtatious banter? And is it really always male to female?

 

I mean, I am known to tease a lot, but wouldn't consider it "negging". My objective isn't to make the other person feel insecure, but rather to have fun with them (perhaps a bit at their expense). And truth be told, it works, but not in a nefarious way - more in a friendly competitive banter way.

 

It would be negging if you intend to exploit or manipulate via the use of the tactic. If you're just teasing in a way you can't see is not nice to someone, that just means you're an oaf.

 

(Actually I'm sure there are other reasons or objectives associated w similar behaviors ....passive aggressiveness springs to mind.)

[Taramere]

Negging Women ? 10 Awesome Negs That Work | Seduction Science

 

 

This part of the article posted is really on point:

 

I understand the blowback. I understand where some of you girls are coming from. You see negging as a form of bullying or insults.

 

And most women are pretty sensitive to the idea of it, based on being bullied in real life.

 

Most women, particularly in high school, were teased, gossiped about, or bullied in some fashion – and usually from other women. Pretty girls especially face negativity from their female friends, as pretty girls tend to hang in “pretty social circles” where there’s a lot of superficial cattiness, backstabbing, and competition.

 

When I've seen men writing about "negging" it often reminds me of the kind of cattiness that women can experience a lot of - and that will often be directed particularly towards attractive women. That's what always strikes me as odd about the attitude of "those women are used to guys kissing their asses". I think it's more the case that attractive women are used to people reacting strongly to them - and in quite a few cases, it will be negative. A couple of female friends of mine, when they were younger, always seemed to be getting a hard time from somebody or other due to jealousy, insecurity etc.

 

Not just from women either. When men think a woman is out of their league, it can bring something nasty out in them...and negging has something in common with that. After all, it's about trying to undermine the woman's confidence or lower her self esteem. A man who has a few issues, and is disgruntled with women and the dating scene generally, might well struggle not to come across in that way if he's "negging". Teasing only tends to work when it's unaccompanied by hostility.

 

My worry, from having read PUA sites, is that it often seems to be the case that a lot of the guys reading them are somewhat hostile to women. Whether because they're tired of feeling rejected by them or whatever else. A hostile character trying out negging on women in a bar may well find himself just ending up getting drunk, caught up in a fight and going home alone, miserable and angry. Compounding the problem.

 

The article seems a lot less on point when it goes on to tell the female reader that she'll probably never be negged (in a club or whatever) if she's normal looking and has a normal attitude. I don't know what planet he lives on. Approaching women in a mildly insulting but "jokey" way, back-handed compliments etc is as old as the hills. In Britain, at least - but I'd be surprised if it's that different in the US...and I doubt there's a single woman on this site who hasn't experienced it at some point. Even model type women, if there are any. No doubt they do get plenty of men kissing their backsides, but there are always going to be those guys who want to be seen as different or who think women like that need taken down a peg or two...without necessarily having been told by a PUA site to think that way. I don't think they're that much of a rarity.

 

As an aside, some of the comments under the article seem like an overreaction. I thought a few of the suggested "negs" were pretty lame or creepy ("you remind me of my little sister" - ewwwwugh) but defining them as abusive, as some of the commenters did, makes me wonder for the future of humanity.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Taramere

[Taramere]

I don't know how much you mess around on Facebook or Instagram, but the butt kissing is for real. Even average looking women post touched up, photoshop pics and dudes come out of the woodwork to tell them how beautiful they are.

 

I use Facebook a bit. Most of my female friends just aren't into posting touched up photoshop pics or glamour shots. One who was is such a narcissistic individual that I ended up ditching her from my Facebook (ie got bored of seeing the endless passive aggressive updates, and the friendship had waned over the years in any event). She's quite beautiful, but it tended to be women rather than men who would compliment her.

 

Another friend likes to post those glamour shots, but they're more arty than anything else. She's into Burlesque and struggles with her weight a bit. Plenty of guys will comment positively, same as women will.

 

Actually, I think there could be a bit of a British/American divide here. British men are a lot more reticent, embarrassed/ashamed about indicating romantic interest - so they'll often flirt with women in a kind of awkward teasing, brotherly sort of way. American men, from the limited exposure I've had on trips, are more direct, confident, will readily tell women they find them attractive, hit on them fairly directly etc. British men are often too embarrassed and awkward to give compliments - hence a lot of British women going crazy when they take holidays on the Med and find themselves getting romanced and complimented by Southern European men.

 

So when I read the negging articles, I'm picturing British men putting that advice into action...and it isn't difficult, because I think it comes naturally to a lot of British men. I'm just not convinced that, delightful as they can be, their approach to courtship is one for the world of men to adopt as a model. That said, a British man negging would probably look very different from say an Italian man negging. I can see that in somewhere like the Med, where chatting women up can be a fairly oily and insincere process filled with extravagant compliments (especially in resorts where predatory types are selecting new "targets" every day) a more sarcastic, British approach might be a breath of fresh air.

[elaine567]

Well it's dysfunctional in that it's very unhealthy for the victim but generally very functional (or successful) for the abuser.

 

 

Yes, the perpetrator is happy.

It is just a "bit of fun"some banter, some teasing, but it strokes his ego, he is enjoying bringing her down a peg, he is enjoying feeling superior, he is enjoying humiliating her under the guise of a "joke".

She thinks he is just "joking," she enjoys the attention, till she realises some of these "jokes" at her expense, are not all that funny.

Some of them hit home, it starts to hurt, he says he didn't mean it, she is overly sensitive, where is her sense of humour? But he stores that info away for another time, he has hit a weak spot and that makes him feel pretty damned good.

[Toodaloo]

So what's the difference between the negging and flirtatious banter? And is it really always male to female?

 

I mean, I am known to tease a lot, but wouldn't consider it "negging". My objective isn't to make the other person feel insecure, but rather to have fun with them (perhaps a bit at their expense). And truth be told, it works, but not in a nefarious way - more in a friendly competitive banter way.

 

There is a difference between teasing and negging though...

[elaine567]

UK girls becoming more unhappy - study - BBC News - I think the last thing young women need is to be "negged" by men.

[Kamille]

There is a difference between teasing and negging though...

 

Last year I was approached by three young men on a campus. They were clearly out and about, practicing PUA tactics. The ring leader walked up to me and said: "I like your gloves, too bad they don't match your outfit". I burst out laughing and walked on. In this case, it was clear to me what was going on.

 

I guess I'm wondering if the line is usually that easy to read. I can see how more experienced daters could actually use it in a positive manner, to peak interest, without nefarious intentions. I guess if the approach is based on stereotyping the victim into "She's hot therefore I need to manipulate her into liking me", it can be begging. But if it's "She's hot so I need to catch her interest somehow"... What's wrong with that?

[jen1447]

Approaching women in a mildly insulting but "jokey" way, back-handed compliments etc is as old as the hills.

 

This is true - there's really nothing new under the sun when it comes to sex and socio-sexual interaction. We might call it diff things but mostly it's been done since the dawn of time. (I bet the first couple to do anal was Adam and Eve. And Cain was prob the first guy to neg some Biblical chick. )

[Imported]

I'm always like 'Hey! Nice shoes!!'

 

'SYKE!!!!!!!!'

 

'I don't actually appreciate your choice in footwear apparel. You need to work on that'.

 

Totally works. I think. Never actually tried it. Would that be negging? Maybe I'll try it.

[AMJ]

More like- OMG only fat girls wear shoes like that. Good call, because they do distract from your cankles. At least you have a cute a$$ though.

[Taramere]

Last year I was approached by three young men on a campus. They were clearly out and about, practicing PUA tactics. The ring leader walked up to me and said: "I like your gloves, too bad they don't match your outfit". I burst out laughing and walked on. In this case, it was clear to me what was going on.

 

I would try "if you can somehow raise your social value a couple of notches, then I'll start wearing gloves that match my outfit. Is that a deal?"

[Imported]

More like- OMG only fat girls wear shoes like that. Good call, because they do distract from your cankles. At least you have a cute a$$ though.

 

That's like a robber that drives around in a moving van, while wearing a black mask and a hooded sweat shirt, with words that say "I am here to steal all your crap" painted on the side of the van would do things. It's kinda obvious. Most people aren't that stupid.

 

'That stuff never works on me' says most women.

 

Ya, that stuff never works.

[GemmaUK]

Yeah, I tease the crap out of women I date. They almost always like it. I think most guys these days are just butt kissers or something, constantly telling women how hot they are. I don't. Don't misunderstand, I do give out compliments also, but a little teasing is good.

 

This article sums up the sort of thing I was talking about. A guy isn't supposed to say these things while mean mugging. That just makes you look like a jerk. Always keep it light-hearted. With that said, negging isn't my thing. I don't like manipulating women to get laid. I have too much pride to allow myself to lie and BS my way into anything with women. If they don't like me for who I naturally am, they can shove off. No biggie.

 

Negging Women ? 10 Awesome Negs That Work | Seduction Science

 

As for the link and knowing you a bit on here I don't think you would say some of those things - hedging my bets but there's a few in the link which would not be 'you'. Bloody love the first one about the shirt shrinking though! Lol!

 

Teasing and negging are different things - sometimes teasing can go too far - if a guy is teasing and a woman knows he teases then a step too far and she will pull you up on it. This is because she loves the teasing, does just the same to you too - (cos heck it's great fun! ) either one hitting a raw nerve or teasing just that bit too much or without the facial micro expressions to show it's teasing - well then it falls flat.

It's made me realise that I can't date a man who doesn't tease - life would be dull - it's one whole heck of a lot of flirting!!

 

In some ways this new word 'negging' has made it more confusing probably - and I've only ever come across the term in LS but from experience I certainly know what it is!

 

Enigma, I suspect that you wouldn't know what negging was to be honest - you don't seem the type of person to do that unless you are seriously bored or frustrated and need to get out of a dating scenario.

I think you likely do just tease - teasing is great - even when you half mean it but you're still showing all the facial/expressive signs that you like this person.

 

For me, I tease all and anyone - but I only tease those who I like or love.

If you aren't getting teased by me then you ain't on my radar Sir!! Lol!