MM are designed to hurt us

[Messy Lady]

Some of you may know my back story. A couple of you will know what's been going on the last couple of months which is not to be discussed in open forum.

 

Please feel free to read my old threads on how the MM has played push pull with me. This has continued over the last few months. He and I were last "intimate" in June and it was such a good day. Circumstances have absolutely meant no chance of intimacy since then (as some here know) but he and I have talked almost daily, flirted and teased. I have seem him at work a few times and his behaviour even last week was not appropriate (squeezing the top of my inner thigh!).

 

Yet today when we finally had some planned time together alone, whilst flirting with me, he gave me a very clear message on how I want more than he can give yet as if I'm some sex starved woman who will accept any offers.

 

I feel absolutely ****. Foolishly I sent him an email after we went our separate ways saying I wasn't cold or emotionless with regards to him. No response!

 

He and I are going away on a conference next month and even today he was teasing me saying will I leave him alone whilst away together. I feel so stupid - like a teenage kid - well and truly played.

 

But I have to pretend all is ok and I'm not hurting. Yet i do hurt and I do want him.

 

I thought he cared about me. I knew he didn't care as much as I did. But I feel as if I don't matter at all, unless considered to be an inconvenience.

[BuddyX]

He cares about the sex, not you.

Go to the conference and do everything, but take sex off the table and gauge his reaction. Once you do that you'll see his true colors.

[imperfectangel]

It's a bit hard to reply given that there seems to be much to your story you don't want to post. I'm not judging you on that but we can only go off what we read.

 

Mm can only hurt you if you let them. You don't have to plan any alone time with him. If he's making you feel so down, keep all communication work-only.

[Messy Lady]

He cares about the sex, not you.

Go to the conference and do everything, but take sex off the table and gauge his reaction. Once you do that you'll see his true colors.

 

I know it's about the sex now. I had thought he cared just a little bit even about me. The sickener is I think he would still have sex with me if he thought I wasn't so involved yet he said he couldn't have sex without emotion today.

[Messy Lady]

It's a bit hard to reply given that there seems to be much to your story you don't want to post. I'm not judging you on that but we can only go off what we read.

 

Mm can only hurt you if you let them. You don't have to plan any alone time with him. If he's making you feel so down, keep all communication work-only.

 

I can't put details out as it would be TMI and aid possible identification x

 

He's just sent me a text saying he knows I'm not an "ice maiden"

[DKT3]

If you change nothing, nothing will change. You've known from the beginning this guy doesn't care about you yet you keep chasing it, that is what is keeping this affair going, you want him to validate your feelings which is odd since you've always claimed to love your husband and not him.

 

Honestly you are hurting yourself, engaging with this guy is self abuse, but he has always made it clear exactly what you are to him,

[BluesPower]

If you are OK with him just using you for sex then just keep it up. I hope the sex I great, because you are in for a world of hurt.

 

No judgment here, I am a far bigger POS that your are, you can count on that. Is this your first affair? And what is the status of your marriage.

 

Here is some of my posts from earlier...

 

You will get no judgment from me. I have been on both sides of this issue.

 

Please, just listen to what I am telling you. I have been on the other end as well. I'm as strong confident guy, had plenty of women, and when I found out about my wife, I literally wanted to die. If I had not had children to raise, I would have killed myself with out a doubt. If I did not have to raise my children, I would have checked out. And I am not a suicidal person.

 

You have looked around on LS and other forums, you have read the stories, and yet you still have no I deal how much pain infidelity can cause.

 

When your husband, whom you love (I assume), finds out you will see a man crumble before your eyes. You will say to yourself and him, honey it was just sex. The pain that you will witness in his eyes, will burn down to his soul, his very core. If you are any type of person the pain that you feel for him at that moment is also like nothing you have ever felt, and all the great hot affair sex will melt away like a fond memory.

 

Have you ever thought about putting some of that effort into your husband? Have you tried to teach him what pleases you. to spice up your sex life?

 

What you may not understand is that you affair will blow up at some point, they all do. Either have the courage to divorce your husband and keep the AP as a FWB, or please stop it.

 

Our spouses are not nearly as stupid as we think, I promise you that. He knows something is up right this minute. He may not know what it is or he may be in denial, but he know something is going on with you.

 

Please spare yourself and your husband the pain that is coming and think about what I am saying.

 

If you want to do the membership thing on LS, which is really cheap, you can PM me if you want to talk about this outside of a thread.

 

Good luck to you...

 

*****************

 

Your MM is simply using you for sex and that is it. He does not love you, and the minute that you become a problem he will drop you like a rock. Problem is that he is also you boss, so if he wants to he can screw you over at your job.

 

 

You really need to think about this...

 

 

Good Luck.

[OneLov]

The fortunate (and unfortunate) fact of the matter is the ball is in your court. He will continue the hot & cold as long as you tolerate it. You must communicate and stick to firm boundaries.

 

Men AND WOMEN, regardless of their marital status, do this. For example, when a woman is said to be "leading a man on," her intent 99% of the time is not malice. Most we'll say they do it because they believe the man has communicated through his actions or words that he does not mind the arrangement. Now, willful ignorance of how your actions affect someone else is not an excuse but it is an explanation. So yes, they are taking advantage but that is much different than cold, calculated behavior.

 

He's communicating mixed signals, but by entertaining them, you're also communicating mixed signals to him. On one hand you tell him no, but on the other you give him permission by allowing him to cross boundaries.

 

You must be firm and accept no matter how sweet his demeanor or how pretty his words, he cannot give you what you want. I know, it sucks. But you have to expect he is going to try to cross the boundaries you have set. Please be firm and reject him. You have to realize any hot behavior is not a step towards getting what you want (a legitimate relationship); it's only a step towards getting what he wants. I'm sorry you're hurting. Take the power back.

[Messy Lady]

Even yesterday he tried to pretend he'd forgotten about an afternoon we spent together "making out". I asked him if he wanted me to remind him of what we'd done and he agreed. Yet today....

[BuddyX]

Why are you wasting so much time and effort on this DBag? What is that you want? Deep down inside you know you won't get it from him. Don't waste your pretty on him.

 

"Don't make anyone a priority when you're nothing but an option to them"

[Grapesofwrath]

Hold the phone there, Messy Lady. MM hurt us because we let them. Lots of things can hurt us, but we avoid most. Please try to avoid the trap of thinking like his victim. You have power and you have agency. Use those things to free yourself and the hurt will start to fade.

[Poppy47]

YOu are demeaning yourself and losing your dignity. For what??? So this scum bag will give you some attention?

 

How will you feel when your colleagues find out, or your boss? Could you lose your job?

 

What's wrong with a single guy?

 

Poppy.

[imsosad]

I know you are in a lot of pain right now, but I have to tell you, I dont like your thread topic at all. MM are designed to hurt us sounds like it is a force of nature, some tornado that you have no control over.

He can hurt you only if you let him. He mistreats you very badly. Why do you allow it? Do you call it love? It is not devine love that is letting him be such a dirtbag. It is your lack of self respect.

What are you getting from this distorted relationship?

He has no power over you,none. Every bit of power you feel he has is *yours*. You have given it to him. Time to take the power back.

It is only up to you. He has no license to hurt you.

[carhill]

Sounds like more push-pull to me. Have been pretty much on all sides of this stuff my main comment is choose to adjust expectations or end association. What other people think, feel and do, regardless of any relationship, is outside of our control.

 

How this usually works is some time will pass and he'll wind you back in. I see this kind of stuff in all kinds of relationships, not just affairs. Some people are experts at handling other people. It's like breathing to them. A formula. It works. Wish I had a more optimistic outlook. It is what it is.

[GorillaTheater]

You're married. I could just as easily post that affairs are designed to hurt the other spouses. Likely with more justification, I suspect.

[sandylee1]

*****today when we finally had some planned time together alone, whilst flirting with me, he gave me a very clear message on how I want more than he can give yet as if I'm some sex starved woman who will accept any offers.****

 

Well to him you may be just that. Otherwise why waste your time being a mistress? You have a man you haven't slept with since June. If you weren't desperate and have the ability to get a single unattached man, why wouldn't you do that instead of being part of destroying another woman's marriage?

 

If I had a single man that I could drop and pick when it suited me while I'm married, I'd think he was unable to get a single woman and yes I'd likely think he was desperate to accept the crumbs I was throwing his way. Why else would he settle for a tiny bit of me, knowing I go home and have sex with my husband.

 

Of course he's right. ... he can't give you want you want, because he's married and can only fit you in here and there. Surely that's not difficult to understand.

 

The same way MM are designed to hurt, is the same way OW are designed to hurt the BW.

 

Every day you stick around in this affair, you are 50% of the problem because a MM cannot cheat without a willing participant.

 

Stop blaming him for your pain ... that's 100% on you and the sooner you realise and accept it, the better of you'll be.

[Messy Lady]

I know there is hypocrisy is complaining about how MM is treating me when I am married but how I am therefore treating my husband. In spite of what you may think, I love my husband and I do not want to leave him. But this thread is not about my husband and my marriage. It's about how I deal with the MM.

 

As I said in my opening post, he and I have not been together for several weeks. We have known that would be the case and if he had used that time to end things between us, I was actually prepared for that. It would have been easier for him too. But instead he has flirted and teased and made frequent reference to "us". He has led on this talk, I.e. he has been the one to initiate this kind of talk when we spoke. He has done nothing to make me think we were over until last week when he said he was "being good now". I think that was said the day before he asked me if I still loved him and he squeezed my thigh. Actions and words are far from consistent with him at times.

 

Then yesterday he carries on the flirting and whilst we knew all we could do was talk and nothing more, he suddenly starts talking of how I want more than he can give, yet also saying that he cannot do sex without emotion, that he's not like that. Somehow I was been accused of wanting more yet bring able to have sex without emotion and he was saying that he could only have sex with emotion yet also said he had been able to separate us from emotions because he has to as he is my boss. It was all contradictions trying to make it sound as if I was the problem. He and I are BOTH the problem.

 

He plays hot and cold and I let him. He keeps me just close enough for if he wants me and I let him.

 

I have given him that power over me. This is not the kind of person I usually am. I am a strong woman in so many ways but choose to be weak with him. But I am so annoyed that he tries to make out that he is innocent in all this and that it's all on me. What does he think? That I forced him to have sex with me??

Edited September 1, 2016 by Messy Lady

[Onlywhenitrains]

Messy Lady,

 

You need to remove yourself from this! Right this moment, and right now!!! If you have to change your job, do it!

 

He's playing with your head. "I need to be good"...what does that even mean???!!??

 

Stop over-analyzing his words and actions. They are random anyway. He wants a piece of you, and yet he wants to maintain his life as it is. Can't have both!

 

Only you have the power to stop this.

[lftbehind]

Some of you may know my back story. A couple of you will know what's been going on the last couple of months which is not to be discussed in open forum.

 

Please feel free to read my old threads on how the MM has played push pull with me. This has continued over the last few months. He and I were last "intimate" in June and it was such a good day. Circumstances have absolutely meant no chance of intimacy since then (as some here know) but he and I have talked almost daily, flirted and teased. I have seem him at work a few times and his behaviour even last week was not appropriate (squeezing the top of my inner thigh!).

 

Yet today when we finally had some planned time together alone, whilst flirting with me, he gave me a very clear message on how I want more than he can give yet as if I'm some sex starved woman who will accept any offers.

 

I feel absolutely ****. Foolishly I sent him an email after we went our separate ways saying I wasn't cold or emotionless with regards to him. No response!

 

He and I are going away on a conference next month and even today he was teasing me saying will I leave him alone whilst away together. I feel so stupid - like a teenage kid - well and truly played.

 

But I have to pretend all is ok and I'm not hurting. Yet i do hurt and I do want him.

 

I thought he cared about me. I knew he didn't care as much as I did. But I feel as if I don't matter at all, unless considered to be an inconvenience.

 

I remember when you first posted on here and I and others gave you good advice about your situation. We said that your boss was mistreating you and to keep interactions between you and him professional. By getting involved with him, he will keep playing games with you. I think as long as you work for him you will have to play his games or you will pay the price.

[Messy Lady]

I remember when you first posted on here and I and others gave you good advice about your situation. We said that your boss was mistreating you and to keep interactions between you and him professional. By getting involved with him, he will keep playing games with you. I think as long as you work for him you will have to play his games or you will pay the price.

 

Do you think he will come back for more sex at some stage then?

[waterwoman]

Do you think he will come back for more sex at some stage then?

 

Probably but not if you say no ... and mean it. Tell him it's over and done and if he persists you will inform his wife.

[imperfectangel]

Of course he will. But that is all he wants. It clearly isn't what you want or you wouldn't be here

[elaine567]

Do you think he will come back for more sex at some stage then?

 

To tell the truth I just do not know.

YOU are now no longer just a bit of fun at the office, you are too serious about him for that, and that is often a huge turn off for men who simply want NSA sex.

 

To me he doesn't seem that interested. He has had opportunities and did not take them. He knows you are ready, willing and able and he is choosing not to go there.

It may be a case of "been there, done that", or he feels guilty over his wife or he is attracted to someone else, or he may have countless other reasons... Who knows???

He has made it clear this time that sex is off the table, despite the outrageous flirting, so you need to listen to him.

 

I have a feeling he is a weak, probably a bit of a narcissistic man who just loves the attention, but he has bitten off more that he can chew with you and he now knows he could lose it all and that is scary.

My guess is that he knows you are the chink in his armour, so he is merely appeasing you by the flirting and teasing. He is scared to close you down completely, in case it all blows up in his face.

I think he may be just juggling the balls in the air and hoping he can keep you sweet, still get some validation for his ego, yet at the same time take sex off the menu, so he can "be good".

[Tayla]

You're married. I could just as easily post that affairs are designed to hurt the other spouses. Likely with more justification, I suspect.

 

This is worth a double take.

 

This thread is not to support and encourage infidelity. Quite the opposite.

It's to bring clarity that when an adult chooses to participate in such behavior, there are ppl who can encourage a sensible approach to lessen the harmful results.

 

People in general are designed to be self sufficient and hopefully regard others . This includes your current spouse.

He deserves better.

[Friskyone4u]

The fact that you state this is not about your husband is so sad . You are daily trying to figure out how to be a better OW and cheat and betray your husband. When you get caught, and you will, you will have a lot more to think about than your MM.

 

You are free to do whatever you want to but please stop the crap about how much you love your husband. You are betraying him in the worst possible way and are here only concerned on how to make your affair more fun. If that is love for your husband its is a hell of a way of showing it.

 

So maybe you will be better able to figure things out when you STOP lying to yourself, stop living a double life of lies and deception and divorce this poor man to show him some respect. If you had an ounce of love for him that is what you would do.

 

Your MM is using you as an instant gratification machine and you are willing to trade your marriage and family in if you have a family for that.

 

Just reading here we all know what the odds are of your story having a happy ending. Divorce the poor man and be happy chasing your boyfriend.