lftbehind Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 I know. But I've also been attacked by some with no advice given at all. Or some are taking out their anger and frustration on me from their time as an OW. I'm sorry if I've seemed too rough with any of my comments. I'm in a similar messed up situation with my boss. It's easy to give advice, but hard to follow it and do what you need to do sometimes. There will be a lot of times where my boss and I don't talk much at work and I'll do well with detaching from him, but then he'll start flirting with me and giving me attention. I'll start being interested in him again. I think that he likes to be able to control me and my emotions. I think that your boss is similar to mine. We can't go NC, so it's hard to get over them. I can't quit my job right now, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 I'm sorry if I've seemed too rough with any of my comments. I'm in a similar messed up situation with my boss. It's easy to give advice, but hard to follow it and do what you need to do sometimes. There will be a lot of times where my boss and I don't talk much at work and I'll do well with detaching from him, but then he'll start flirting with me and giving me attention. I'll start being interested in him again. I think that he likes to be able to control me and my emotions. I think that your boss is similar to mine. We can't go NC, so it's hard to get over them. I can't quit my job right now, either. You've always been good with me lft behind, don't worry. Our situations do seem similar too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 i could care less about the cheating betrayal you two get up to. what i would care about is that you two cheaters work together and if i worked there and i discovered you were bangin my boss i would report it. period. i would make sure that every perk and raise you ever received was scrutinized and even if you were cleared, you would be ruined and labeled a cheat. wait.. i understand that he's a challenge, an enigma that you want to figure out but there is NOTHING there. he's an ahole. good luck Sorry to disappoint you in your highly judgemental view of me but as already stated I get no preferential treatment. I know you probably think I lie and cheat in everything I do but I don't. I have morals. Stand backs and waits for more attacks.... Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 No one is attacking you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Logan787 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Sorry to disappoint you in your highly judgemental view of me but as already stated I get no preferential treatment. I know you probably think I lie and cheat in everything I do but I don't. I have morals. Stand backs and waits for more attacks.... You do understand that by posting here you opened yourself up to...."attacks"....right? Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 You do understand that by posting here you opened yourself up to...."attacks"....right? That is such rubbish. Everyone has the right to seek advice and support. Due to the nature of affairs there very few places people such as the OP can do so and they should be treated with empathy and respect when reaching out for help. This does not mean that everyone needs to agree but the posters that come here to push their personal bias need to at least accept that that's what they're doing. I don't understand why so many betrayed spouses come here to smack down the "others" there are enough support boards for betrayed spouses to seek support, stay there if you aren't ready to be helpful. You'll note that there are very, very few "others" here that encourage affairs, they offer the message that affairs are wrong and damaging but for the most part manage to do it in a helpful way. there are quite a few beautiful betrayed spouses who do the same but those who have an agenda are boringly obvious. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 Thank you Winterkeep I shall also add that I don't consider being told I should end the affair or that what I have been doing is wrong as an attack. I consider being told that I can't keep my story straight, that I've said things I haven't, that I am receiving unfair financial gain at work, etc as attacks though. I also consider it an attack if it's said that I don't care about my husband or that I don't want to be with him - again because I have repeatedly said I don't want to leave my marriage yet some here seem to think they know better how I feel and what I want than I do. These are usually the ones who think I spend my day at work gawping after the MM with my tongue hanging out and never getting any work done (another form of attack). Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 All respect its nothing compared to the real -life "attacks" you'll receive if all this comes out Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 MM are married. Sorry to point out the obvious but its so common it's almost a guarantee that if he's married he's staying married. And yet OW expect him to leave the wife. If he was going to do that, he would have done it before he started poking someone else. MM ruin you, because they have no intention of leaving their situation. It's a push/pull because you want something he doesn't. For him to change his situation. Why should he? I gets everything he wants right now. Why would a guy who's unhappily married suddenly start seeing marriage/commitment with someone else as somehow a happy situation? They don't. The happy situation they see if the one they have right now. Getting it on the side in secret to spice up the mundane life they live at home. It's really no more complicated than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 MM are married. Sorry to point out the obvious but its so common it's almost a guarantee that if he's married he's staying married. And yet OW expect him to leave the wife. If he was going to do that, he would have done it before he started poking someone else. MM ruin you, because they have no intention of leaving their situation. It's a push/pull because you want something he doesn't. For him to change his situation. Why should he? I gets everything he wants right now. Why would a guy who's unhappily married suddenly start seeing marriage/commitment with someone else as somehow a happy situation? They don't. The happy situation they see if the one they have right now. Getting it on the side in secret to spice up the mundane life they live at home. It's really no more complicated than this. I have clearly and repeatedly stated that I do not expect MM to leave his wife. I have never said I want him to. Plus seeing as I have repeatedly said I want to stay with my husband, again proof I don't want him to leave his wife. Therefore you have made a post to suit your viewpoint without even reading my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron007 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The problem is your MM worries that if sh*t hits the fan, you will sue his a**. He may trust you with the work, but he surely does not trust your judgement. There are countless lawsuits out there by brought by women against their bosses after many an affair has gone sour for whatever reason. Many guys have lost their jobs. When a subordinate woman complains against a male supervisor, even though the relationship may be consensual, there is a power imbalance, and the woman can successfully argue that she was coerced into an affair, whether true or not. His thoughts probably go like this...: Sure, she's a good lay (and that's just what you are, for him), but she can very well bite me in the a** tomorrow. She says she can be "trusted", but hey, if sh*t hits the fan, I could lose both my job and my marriage. What if others learn of the affair, and they complain to HR about discrimination, i.e. there is a quid-pro-quo for sex between us? This could land me in big trouble...but she's a good lay so I need to keep her but under a tight leash... Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Sorry to disappoint you in your highly judgemental view of me but as already stated I get no preferential treatment. I know you probably think I lie and cheat in everything I do but I don't. I have morals. Stand backs and waits for more attacks.... in no way did i attack you. i told you what i would do if i found out my boss was banging anyone at my job. i'm telling you that you are vulnerable to attack, from you coworkers, out of the goodness of my heart. perhaps you only think it's an attack because you believe that it's normal to have sex with you married coworker. while you're married, at your job. and if you think my pointing this out to you is harsh then.. sorry. that's my opinion and in most states it's the law. a law that keeps the playing field level for all the other hard working women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The truth? I don't know. I know I don't want to leave my husband and I see my future with him. As for MM, part of me wants it to continue but I'm really tired of all this back and forth. When it started, it wasn't supposed to be complicated but his push/pull makes it hard work and complicated to me as I don't know what my position is with him from one day to the next. I would like consistency from him one way or another. If I had a magic wand then it would probably be for it to continue, with him being consistent, no ILYs or promises between us and that it ends in the not too distant future with him and I as much friends as we are now. Affairs go through such a pattern. The first part of the affair is the best for everyone because it is new and exciting and there is no push/pull happening and no feelings involved- except for excitement. You are in the phase where there are feelings (love or no love but still feelings) and because of that there is a push/pull happening and it is the part that we women typically cannot handle. I don't think you will ever get back to a place where you can even it out and the affair can continue easily or like it was in the beginning. There are emotions/ guilt/ feelings involved and the BS's are acting differently too. I believe at some point you need to admit the affair has run its course and let go or you can continue but you will need to toughen up a bit and ignore him until he chases you again, because he will. BUT the mind games at this point in the affair are enough to break even the strongest woman. I also am not one that has ever seen a counselor previously, but my affair broke me and i had to seek help. Sometimes it is nice to have someone to talk to outside of us on LS who can help guide you towards a better self-understanding to see what is you are really seeking. No judgement from me- I have made TERRIBLE choices but i can tell you that you will not find what you are seeking in your affair or from your MM or even from your husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 in no way did i attack you. i told you what i would do if i found out my boss was banging anyone at my job. i'm telling you that you are vulnerable to attack, from you coworkers, out of the goodness of my heart. perhaps you only think it's an attack because you believe that it's normal to have sex with you married coworker. while you're married, at your job. and if you think my pointing this out to you is harsh then.. sorry. that's my opinion and in most states it's the law. a law that keeps the playing field level for all the other hard working women. You suggested I might possibly be receiving some kind of financial benefit as a result if the affair. I consider that an attack no matter how you want to portray it. Seeing as I don't live in the US (not everybody does you know) then there is no point trying to cite state laws at me. I am also a hard working woman by the way. There is no need to lecture me on inequality or discrimination within the work place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 Affairs go through such a pattern. The first part of the affair is the best for everyone because it is new and exciting and there is no push/pull happening and no feelings involved- except for excitement. You are in the phase where there are feelings (love or no love but still feelings) and because of that there is a push/pull happening and it is the part that we women typically cannot handle. I don't think you will ever get back to a place where you can even it out and the affair can continue easily or like it was in the beginning. There are emotions/ guilt/ feelings involved and the BS's are acting differently too. I believe at some point you need to admit the affair has run its course and let go or you can continue but you will need to toughen up a bit and ignore him until he chases you again, because he will. BUT the mind games at this point in the affair are enough to break even the strongest woman. I also am not one that has ever seen a counselor previously, but my affair broke me and i had to seek help. Sometimes it is nice to have someone to talk to outside of us on LS who can help guide you towards a better self-understanding to see what is you are really seeking. No judgement from me- I have made TERRIBLE choices but i can tell you that you will not find what you are seeking in your affair or from your MM or even from your husband. I do see that I need to toughen up more for whatever happens next in order to protect myself whether that be this is the end of the affair or to find a better way of managing my feelings if he comes back chasing for more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The truth? I don't know. I know I don't want to leave my husband and I see my future with him. As for MM, part of me wants it to continue but I'm really tired of all this back and forth. When it started, it wasn't supposed to be complicated but his push/pull makes it hard work and complicated to me as I don't know what my position is with him from one day to the next. I would like consistency from him one way or another. If I had a magic wand then it would probably be for it to continue, with him being consistent, no ILYs or promises between us and that it ends in the not too distant future with him and I as much friends as we are now. Okay so you want to be a typical cheating cake eater. You want your marriage and your affair. You are going to hurt many people including yourself for the sake of being selfish. Good luck with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 In your shoes, I would be asking myself if whatever you are getting out of the A is worth it. If it comes out, there could be a lot of negative fallout. Your co-workers will not be impressed, and from that point on, they may well start treating you very differently. perception is nine tenths of realty, and if they think you have benefited at work from being in the A, they will take you to task. No matter how hard you work to advance or how great an employee you are, that question will always be there. Also, if you plan on staying with your H, who you say you love, is the negative effect this will have on your marriage should he find out a fair price to pay for whatever you are getting form the A? Are you willing to ask your husband to pay the price for your fleeting moments fo pleasure? Are you willing to risk your M for he A? I suppose I already know the answer to the questions above. it's yes, you feel your husband's heartache is a fair price to pay, as is your marriage and perhaps even the respect of your colleagues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Messy Lady Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 I don't feel it's a fair price at all. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband Anika - you are taking the magic wand comment as if that is what I actually intend to happen. I know there is no magic wand. I know life is not that easy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I don't feel it's a fair price at all. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband But are you, he just isn't aware of that, yet. Either way you are investing and thinking MORE of MM than your own husband. You're putting effort and your heart/emotions in the wrong place. You have a lot to lose when the A blows up and everybody finds out about it. Your husband will be hurt, and betrayed. Your kids if you have any, will be affected, your professional reputation will take a huge hit and you'll have to deal with the fallout personally and professionally. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 You will probably lose your job as well and any friends you think you have made there. You may even lo's your home if you husband kicks you out. Is it really all worth it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I think I get it now, This was never about your being played by your boss and being hurt and feeling used in the process, this was about you feeling hurt and used because he wasn't playing the NM game well enough for you. Your ego was hurt because he was mostly blowing cold and not feeding you enough ego kibbles. Your cake eating plans were going awry because he wasn't stepping up to the mark and he kept reneging on you when it got down to the nitty gritty. WE were looking at this all wrong, his flirting was not unwelcome, what was unwelcome was his whining about his wife, and how it was all wrong and he shouldn't be doing this. So whilst all here were giving you advice on how to end the affair and giving you warnings about the realistic consequences of continuing, you really wanted advice on how to keep it going and how to make this man bend to your will and give you what you want ie NSA sex. NO wonder you came across so fiesty and defensive and felt attacked because we had it all wrong. Knowing this now, you have just chosen the wrong man to have an affair with, he is not ready for the type of affair you want, he has too much to lose here to indulge in carefree NSA sex in the office. He is wracked with guilt. I suggest you leave him alone and go look for another will be more suited to what you have in mind. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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