Coworker breakup how to act normal at work

[Vasectomyfail]

So to start off I know I'm a terrible person for being involved with a married coworker. I am also married and happy in my marriage for the most part. Sex was an issue and MM was a crutch and I see that.

 

We have been involved for about 8 months. We work together, but in entirely different departments and both managerial roles. We flirt, text daily, and meet up a few times per month. We were friends for 5 years ish before this all happened so it had more of a friend's with benefits vibe and no future faking.

 

He had been acting off the last few weeks. Two weeks ago his wife called the office hysterical and he had to go home. Then a few other home early days and then Monday he was throwing up and left after lunch. The whole time he skipped meetups and complained about his mother in law needing too much help lately. I thought something terrible had happened to her and didn't really get into it with him. Then last week he cancelled because of his mother in law again and there was a flash flood. I was stuck for hours and pretty freaked out. We talked about it the next day and he said he was at the gym and missed it. I let it go, but was a bit like hmmm gym now.

 

I thought he was hooking up with someone else and honestly didn't care beyond the fact he was cancelling on me for her.

 

So when he cancelled Monday and said mother in law again I was a bit miffed. That morning he made a big deal about my skirt, legs, hair and was being super flirty. Then ay lunch he throws up at the table and has to go home.

 

Today he felt he needed to explain everything as we were supposed to meet up again. He says that his wife was pregnant and then had an abortion on Monday. That he has been a wreck and didn't know how to tell me. He had a vasectomy 4 years ago and had the 2 all clear tests after so he was freaking out. He also said in light of the fact that he can get girl's pregnant he thinks it's not safe for us to carry on and he wants to stop.

 

I called bull****. Condoms being a solution. There's also plenty you can do without getting pregnant until he gets retested and sorts it out. Apparently he's not ready for that and is too freaked out. Um ok. The other amazing tidbit is that he was retested and it was still clear. So what the...? He seems to think the odd sperm can get through or was left over and that's how she got pregnant. I think he's not the only one cheating.

 

Anyway I'm wondering if he's lying about the entire thing. He says he isn't and he still wants me but is afraid blah blah blah. He asked if we could still text and he sent some flirty ones. I said no and ignored him after that.

 

So much drama.

 

I am ok with acting normal at work...I think.

 

I'm a bit pissed off that he would pull this, vanity hurt, but that's about the extent of it.

 

I'm just worried about how to stay no contact if he all of a sudden decides condoms are good enough.

 

Yes I am an idiot.

Edited August 31, 2016 by Vasectomyfail

[Scarlett94]

So to start off I know I'm a terrible person for being involved with a married coworker. I am also married and happy in my marriage for the most part. Sex was an issue and MM was a crutch and I see that.

 

We have been involved for about 8 months. We work together, but in entirely different departments and both managerial roles. We flirt, text daily, and meet up a few times per month. We were friends for 5 years ish before this all happened so it had more of a friend's with benefits vibe and no future faking.

 

He had been acting off the last few weeks. Two weeks ago his wife called the office hysterical and he had to go home. Then a few other home early days and then Monday he was throwing up and left after lunch. The whole time he skipped meetups and complained about his mother in law needing too much help lately. I thought something terrible had happened to her and didn't really get into it with him. Then last week he cancelled because of his mother in law again and there was a flash flood. I was stuck for hours and pretty freaked out. We talked about it the next day and he said he was at the gym and missed it. I let it go, but was a bit like hmmm gym now.

 

I thought he was hooking up with someone else and honestly didn't care beyond the fact he was cancelling on me for her.

 

So when he cancelled Monday and said mother in law again I was a bit miffed. That morning he made a big deal about my skirt, legs, hair and was being super flirty. Then ay lunch he throws up at the table and has to go home.

 

Today he felt he needed to explain everything as we were supposed to meet up again. He says that his wife was pregnant and then had an abortion on Monday. That he has been a wreck and didn't know how to tell me. He had a vasectomy 4 years ago and had the 2 all clear tests after so he was freaking out. He also said in light of the fact that he can get girl's pregnant he thinks it's not safe for us to carry on and he wants to stop.

 

I called bull****. Condoms being a solution. There's also plenty you can do without getting pregnant until he gets retested and sorts it out. Apparently he's not ready for that and is too freaked out. Um ok. The other amazing tidbit is that he was retested and it was still clear. So what the...? He seems to think the odd sperm can get through or was left over and that's how she got pregnant. I think he's not the only one cheating.

 

Anyway I'm wondering if he's lying about the entire thing. He says he isn't and he still wants me but is afraid blah blah blah. He asked if we could still text and he sent some flirty ones. I said no and ignored him after that.

 

So much drama.

 

I am ok with acting normal at work...I think.

 

I'm a bit pissed off that he would pull this, vanity hurt, but that's about the extent of it.

 

I'm just worried about how to stay no contact if he all of a sudden decides condoms are good enough.

 

Yes I am an idiot.

 

I would use this as an opportunity to work on your marriage. You say it's good for the most part, why not work on the part that is lacking?

 

If the guy doesn't want to sleep with you anymore, I would just say bye. I wouldn't keep asking him!

[Scarlett94]

Oh and I agree on the vasectomy part. Something is fishy there.

[Vasectomyfail]

Oh and I agree on the vasectomy part. Something is fishy there.

 

Marriage is great other than sex. Husband can't finish from sex, lots of porn, I feel sort of inadequate I guess. He also lifts weights but does no other exercises so he is always just laying there and asking me to do the work. Last week I asked if he could be on top and he collapsed after a minute and belched in my face. When I gagged he thought I was having and orgasm. I am trying to communicate what works sexually, but so far not going well.

 

Coworker wasn't best sex ever, but consistently good. It filled a void.

 

I wasn't so much asking him to to still have sex with me. More calling bull****. Like he was using this as a get out of jail free card and his reasoning was pretty weak when there are simple solutions. I am aware that comes across poorly and I definitely won't be talking to him about it again.

 

He texted me later in the day to ask if we were fine and I said "fine on my end". He said "you're right, your end is FINE". Gag. Since posting he said he'd "buy me some balloons if I want".

 

He's making it easy to think he's gross.

[Vasectomyfail]

Calling him out about the fact we use condoms was more trying to point out he's full of it.

 

It's also not a push pull guilt thing. We're both sort of terrible people, but he is definitely worse. At our company raises come out of department budgets. Raises are dependent on performance review. He gives all of his employees terrible reviews on purpose so they don't get raises. He said I was a sucker for giving out one raise.

 

I know he is using the situation to his advantage and in the moment I wanted to make him admit to it.

[privategal]

You have to be with a husband who lays back and expects you to do the work or belches in your face after collapsing after a minute when he's on top?

Ya...um....no.

You aren't sexually satisfied and intimacy and attraction is an issue. I'd not worry about the MM, I'd be researching divorce.

You feel inadequate, he prioritizes porn, you do all the work....this isn't going to fix itself, and is not what a marital bed should look like.

Would you like a divorce?

You see how supplementing the sex with a MM went, it caused pain and more inadequate feelings so you can't do that again....I'd look into being single.

I feel like if your mm would have continued, subconsciously this was maybe an exit affair for you.

[kgcolonel]

Just something to think about.....if indeed his wife is pregnant, and he has the "all clear" from the V, then she is cheating. You SHOULD be concerned about STDs in that the wife is cheating with who knows who or with how many and obviously without protection / condoms therefore, you too are exposed to that through your FB....what happens if you bring this home????? Surprise honey, "everything's great except the sex therefore, I've been getting it elsewhere and here's a little gift for you, but....everything else is fine".....

[Vasectomyfail]

Just something to think about.....if indeed his wife is pregnant, and he has the "all clear" from the V, then she is cheating. You SHOULD be concerned about STDs in that the wife is cheating with who knows who or with how many and obviously without protection / condoms therefore, you too are exposed to that through your FB....what happens if you bring this home????? Surprise honey, "everything's great except the sex therefore, I've been getting it elsewhere and here's a little gift for you, but....everything else is fine".....

 

Already on that. Was tested 3 months ago and made another appointment today. I do specify that I need to be checked for everything.

 

Will not have sex with husband until all clear.

[Forever broken]

You are not an idiot at all. But I will tell you to run. There's a probability the wife got pregnant despite the vasectomy. There's also a probability the wife is also having an affair and got pregnant. There's a probability he's trying to exit the Affair because he found another person or wants to work on his marriage. But do you wanna take a chance? Work on your marriage and let him go

[Vasectomyfail]

Most of my concern involves how to work with this guy going forward. We have to see each other every day. We also can't block each other because of work.

 

I do get that there are things I have to work on if I want my marriage to work out.

 

I also hear what you are saying. That I don't need to be so concerned with work guy and let it go. It's just hard be totally normal and act like we are friends when this is all happening.

[Scarlett94]

Honestly I think you should be telling your husband to fix his **** or get out. I hate porn because a lot of times it causes unrealistic expectations in a marriage

[Vasectomyfail]

Am home alone tonight so thinking too much.

 

What bothered me the most about his abortion story is that he would even tell me. I told him to stop talking about his wife's medical stuff and he seemed to think i was jealous that he was bringing her into the conversation. I've had a few miscarriages and it would be terrible for my husband to talk to anyone about them the way MM was talking. I have no business knowing about her personal struggles.

 

Sure part of me hopes he finds out she was cheating. I'm not perfect.

[Forever broken]

Is not hard but extremely hard to pretend everything is ok at work but try. Not only do I have to work with my XMM, but his wife recently started working there about 2 months ago. You can just imagine how I feel going to work everyday. Is not gonna be easy. Keep it professional and civil towards each other. Trust me you can do it.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Keep it professional at work.

 

As for the rest, just drop it and focus on your real life. He is not part of your real life. Just a fantasy, hidden, never to be acknowledged or known.

 

Move on.

[Vasectomyfail]

Keep it professional at work.

 

As for the rest, just drop it and focus on your real life. He is not part of your real life. Just a fantasy, hidden, never to be acknowledged or known.

 

Move on.

 

I plan on keeping it professional. I also don't see how sitting around analyzing for one night is that bad. This all happened this morning. He actually came out at had lunch with us uninvited after the fact. I held it together. This was just a small part of my life, but still a part of it and I think I can have one evening to think/discuss it.

[Vasectomyfail]

Could really use some advice on the no contact.

 

I have been trying to avoid him, but he seems to be trying really hard to make us best friends. I can't stand it. I totally changed my routine. I get coffee at a different time, I eat lunch with a different group, and he is still popping up.

 

I broke text no contact yesterday to tell him to stop following me, we are not friends. No response from him, but if anything he was worse today. He came to my office to suggest a movie I might like. I had an allergic reaction before lunch and he felt the need to come and ask me about it.

 

I act normal in front of other people so he takes advantage and jumps into conversations and then starts talking to me only.

 

 

I don't work with him directly, but would say I saw him for 2 hours today.

 

Will it just die down? I really really want to freak out at him, but obviously won't as it would just make him think I want him or something equally obnoxious.

 

So rage filled and don't know what to do.

[eye of the storm]

When he pops into your office, put on a blank face and ask "what can I help you with" and when he starts talking about non work items, interrupt him and say, "I'm sorry, I'm very busy. Can we discuss that later" look down at your computer and ignore him. Wash, rinse, repeat. Always look friendly, helpful, and professional. But busy. sooooo busy.

 

If he keeps it up or escalates it. Sigh and tell him that if he doesn't stop, you will call his wife and see if she can redirect his attention.

 

good luck

[Vasectomyfail]

I need to get better at looking busy.

 

It usually throws me off so I answer him and then I'm mad at myself later.

 

I know he's only doing this because if we're friends then he's not a bad guy. Nothing to do with me.

 

I'm starting to think he has a personality disorder. Earlier this week a coworker's husband died. Someone was asking him to sign a card and he asked who died. The widowed coworker is one of his employees. When someone called him on it he actually said "I forgot. It's not like I give a ****.". Who says that? Especially in an office full of people. It is so bizarre.

[eye of the storm]

Practice makes perfect. My goodness look at the time, I need to get these emails returned. Wow, that report won't write itself. I need to focus on these numbers.

 

Good luck