Gf cheated...is it time up??

[picaso3183]

Sooo where to begin..really need to vent and get some advice

 

I am / was in a happy relationship for the last 3 and half years.

 

But i just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me. Basically I read a text from her ex friend threatening to tell me about her " cheating ways". According to her friend she has cheated on two occasions.

 

So i confronted her and she admitted to kissing a guy on a work night out about a year ago. She said it was only once and she told the guy she was happy and it was a mistake.

I questioned about the other occasion and she denied that it happened and suggested it was her ex friend lying. She did ask me to ring her ex friend and ask her about the 2nd time.

 

Now this is were it gets complicated. Basically about 2 years ago I was feeling a bit insecure about us after asking my gf to move in and her having doubts. So stupidly i got really drunk and gave me phone.number to a girl in a bar. She found out and rightly so went mad and we nearly broke up. But since then things have gone really well for us. We moved in, been talking buying a place together and making plans for the future.

 

So this is were things are so confusing. I love this girl so much. Since my mistake i have tried sooo much to be a perfect bf and treat her so well. I thought things had gone great but now this has shocked me completely.

 

Part of me realises she made a mistake. But part of me is worried that she has cheated more than once and may do It again. I am questioning everything right now. Her committment to us. The reasons WHY she cheated..... i feel like i don't know her. I know i made a mistake and really she deserves a second chance as she gave me one. But the fact she actually did a physical act and was messaging the guy before they kissed is eating me up. It just seems so deceitful. I also have seen other messages from guys on her Facebook account ( nothing bad ) but i said she shouldn't be messaging guys if she is happy with me.

 

She assured me she won't cheat again or message guys. I asked her to be completely honest if she has cheated a 2nd time and she said she hasnt. I kinda believe that as i can easily message her mate and find out if she has.

 

Sorry for the rant but i just feel so lost at the moment

[PegNosePete]

i can easily message her mate and find out if she has.

Right, the mate who has probably just received a call from her, saying "hey if my BF calls and asks about XXX, deny all knowledge... there's a bottle of wine in it for you".

 

You're gonna message that mate and ask?

 

Why would her ex-friend lie to her about it?? A lie is pretty pointless if the recipient knows it's a lie, right?

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's my belief that your relationship with this girl is doomed sooner or later. YOU DO NOT TRUST HER.

YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN HER.

 

You contemplated cheating when there was doubt. You didn't know that she had already kissed another guy (maybe two) at this point, but your intention was to cheat. She did.

 

There is NO solid foundation in your relationship.

[aliveagain]

Why don't you offer to pay for 2 polygraph tests, one for you and one for her. Tell her you want to start fresh with a level playing field, 3.5 years is like a marriage. See what she says, if she agrees do it, if she doesn't you probably have something to worry about.

[GoldenR]

Take her friend out for drinks. Get her friend reeealllly drunk. Then the truth will come out which in all probability be that it wasn't just a kiss and that there was two different occasions.

[AmyHershaw]

Sooo where to begin..really need to vent and get some advice

 

I am / was in a happy relationship for the last 3 and half years.

 

But i just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me. Basically I read a text from her ex friend threatening to tell me about her " cheating ways". According to her friend she has cheated on two occasions.

 

So i confronted her and she admitted to kissing a guy on a work night out about a year ago. She said it was only once and she told the guy she was happy and it was a mistake.

I questioned about the other occasion and she denied that it happened and suggested it was her ex friend lying. She did ask me to ring her ex friend and ask her about the 2nd time.

 

Now this is were it gets complicated. Basically about 2 years ago I was feeling a bit insecure about us after asking my gf to move in and her having doubts. So stupidly i got really drunk and gave me phone.number to a girl in a bar. She found out and rightly so went mad and we nearly broke up. But since then things have gone really well for us. We moved in, been talking buying a place together and making plans for the future.

 

So this is were things are so confusing. I love this girl so much. Since my mistake i have tried sooo much to be a perfect bf and treat her so well. I thought things had gone great but now this has shocked me completely.

 

Part of me realises she made a mistake. But part of me is worried that she has cheated more than once and may do It again. I am questioning everything right now. Her committment to us. The reasons WHY she cheated..... i feel like i don't know her. I know i made a mistake and really she deserves a second chance as she gave me one. But the fact she actually did a physical act and was messaging the guy before they kissed is eating me up. It just seems so deceitful. I also have seen other messages from guys on her Facebook account ( nothing bad ) but i said she shouldn't be messaging guys if she is happy with me.

 

She assured me she won't cheat again or message guys. I asked her to be completely honest if she has cheated a 2nd time and she said she hasnt. I kinda believe that as i can easily message her mate and find out if she has.

 

Sorry for the rant but i just feel so lost at the moment

 

I wouldn't have trusted the person who first planted those seeds of doubt in your mind, especially her being an ex friend of your partner's. Unfortunately, some people can stir rumours and be intent on causing problems in your relationship. In this case, they were correct, but I would advise taking more caution in the future. Even if they hadn't notified you of your girlfriend's infidelity, you would have found out sooner or later. You can't keep an affair secret forever.

 

Although the both of you made errors in your relationship (which is natural), hers' were bigger and will have a greater impact on you. You didn't engage in anything intimate with this girl you gave your number to, you only provided her with your contact details, whereas she had intimate relations with whoever she did it with. If she had felt unhappy in your relationship, then she should have informed you of this, so you could find a way around it and make changes for the better. Communication is key in a relationship and she failed in this area. I understand that there are genuine reasons as to why people cheat in relationships (that doesn't make it justifiable in any way, of course), but if she had an affair because of you giving your number to another girl, then it is a poor excuse. Kudos to her for confessing the affair when you questioned her and being honest with you there, but it shouldn't have happened and she should have told you shortly after.

 

I know it would have been difficult of her to do so due to her fearing what your reaction would be, but it's terrible to keep something like that from your partner. In addition, I commend you for confronting her, it is challenging asking your partner if they have been unfaithful when you suspect they have been. I failed to do this when I was put in this situation, which I do regret. You shouldn't have tried to act any differently with her because of her cheating on you, she is to blame for her actions and certainly never try to be a "perfect boyfriend", as one doesn't exist.

 

She can message other guys if she wishes, but it's understandable why you feel uncomfortable about her doing it due to her having the affair, and she should accept that. You can forgive her, but as long as she's aware of how much damage she caused by doing what she did and she understands that she will have to earn your trust back, then it can work out. I hope everything goes well for you!

[PegNosePete]

Even if they hadn't notified you of your girlfriend's infidelity

Err, the way I read it, the "ex-friend" didn't notify the OP at all. She messaged his GF, threatening to reveal her infidelity, and the OP saw the messages.

 

Sure some people like to stir and if this person was like that then surely she would have simply messaged the OP directly? Why would she message his GF, threatening to reveal something that is not true? It makes no sense.

 

It's much more believable, and likely, that the ex-friend is telling the truth.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Err, the way I read it, the "ex-friend" didn't notify the OP at all. She messaged his GF, threatening to reveal her infidelity, and the OP saw the messages.

 

Sure some people like to stir and if this person was like that then surely she would have simply messaged the OP directly? Why would she message his GF, threatening to reveal something that is not true? It makes no sense.

 

It's much more believable, and likely, that the ex-friend is telling the truth.

 

Yes. SO, the gf may never have told him about the infidelities at all....

 

OP, I understand your misgivings, but I go back to what I posted earlier...no solid foundation. ALSO, you were checking up on her text messages BEFORE you ever knew of the infidelities. What's up with that?

[AmyHershaw]

Err, the way I read it, the "ex-friend" didn't notify the OP at all. She messaged his GF, threatening to reveal her infidelity, and the OP saw the messages.

 

Sure some people like to stir and if this person was like that then surely she would have simply messaged the OP directly? Why would she message his GF, threatening to reveal something that is not true? It makes no sense.

 

It's much more believable, and likely, that the ex-friend is telling the truth.

 

I apologise for making a mistake, I must have read his post incorrectly. I suppose it depends on the person and she was proven right about the first time, whether or not there was a second time, we can't be certain. Hopefully, there wasn't.

[Space Ritual]

Op,

 

Stop referring what you did by giving a girl your number or what she did by kissing some random guy as a "mistake". Neither are, and minimization like that just adds to a situation where your "mistake" could happen again.

 

Both the number swap and the kissing were conscious decisions. No ifs, ands or buts.

 

Moving on, if your girlfriend is getting threats from someone else about exposing another instance of cheating after already having a "kiss" happen, then young man,your relationship is probably at an end. People's "friends" don't generally leave threats of exposure by text unless they fully intend to come forward, unless they are professional blackmailers. Does not seem like there is a pro in your case.

 

Needless to say if you got the ball rolling 2 years ago at the bat, being neither of you are exactly the epitome of stability when it comes to relationships, it was probably only a mater of time when an opportunity for your GF to pay you back in your own coin arose.

 

 

It no longer matters...you two do not need to be in a relationship with each other. You both need to move on and learn from this experience how to become a safe partner for your next one.

 

Good Luck.

[smackie9]

"Her cheating ways" means constant cheating, not some light mistake of weakness 2 times. Serial cheaters lie and down play their experiences, and by the sounds of it she didn't show remorse.

 

She is a cheater, and you need to move on.

[alwaysgrow]

Have you asked the friend if it's true? I can't say whether your gf lied or not. I can say that trust is so important for a marriage to work. Were you planning on heading towards marriage with this girl? If you love her and want to pursue that path, I would suggest pre-marital counseling to get through these issues before you commit to marriage. This Pre-Engagement Counseling is a good article on what to look for before marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

"Her cheating ways" means constant cheating, not some light mistake of weakness 2 times. Serial cheaters lie and down play their experiences, and by the sounds of it she didn't show remorse.

 

She is a cheater, and you need to move on.

 

That's what stood out to me, too.

 

OP, you need to be very cautious. I would imagine there's more to this story your girlfriend isn't telling you.

[Heer]

Hi Picasso,

 

I feel that you should definitely talk to her. Like sit down at the dinner table, and actually talk to her face to face. You both made "mistakes" in this relationship but it is definitely salvageable. If you both have an open and honest conversation I'm sure it can be solved.

 

Kisses:p:p

[Chi townD]

Rule of thumb. Cheater will only admit to what you can prove. If you can only prove that she did something inappropriate, then that's all she will fess up to. She kissed the guy once and that she didn't like it and she was happy in her relationship. She is telling you the BARE minimum of what happen so it doesn't sound so bad.

 

Sorry to say it, dude. But, you're not getting the full story.

[road]

Hi Picasso,

 

I feel that you should definitely talk to her. Like sit down at the dinner table, and actually talk to her face to face. You both made "mistakes" in this relationship but it is definitely salvageable. If you both have an open and honest conversation I'm sure it can be solved.

 

Kisses:p:p

 

 

Pointless.

 

 

Why?

 

 

See the post below.

 

 

 

 

Rule of thumb. Cheater will only admit to what you can prove. If you can only prove that she did something inappropriate, then that's all she will fess up to. She kissed the guy once and that she didn't like it and she was happy in her relationship. She is telling you the BARE minimum of what happen so it doesn't sound so bad.

 

Sorry to say it, dude. But, you're not getting the full story.

 

 

 

 

Rule of thumb. What are you talking about. That rule was chiseled onto the Rosetta Stone 196 BC.

[sandylee1]

Contact her friend and ask about your GFs cheating ways. I'd also like to know why the friend is threatening to spill all. What has she done to her friend?