Are we broken up, limbo-land, needing before next contact

[piranha]

I'm not really sure if I'm posting this is the right forum-- there's kind of a lot going on.

 

I met this guy because I rent rooms out of my house and he responded. I accepted, and as we got to know each other, an attraction built. Shortly after meeting we started dating. Spent tons of time together, I stayed overnight at his place many times, he would drive me to work the next morning. The chemistry is incredible, we never run out of things to talk about, and he's over the moon that the sex is the best he's ever had. We argue, but never go to bed angry. It bothers us both to not be on the same page.

 

Three weeks later and he moves in. Long story short, it's very stressful. I shut down because I take it personally that he's not happy in my house. He shuts down. We stop texting as often, we stop sleeping together, and over the course of three weeks you can tell everything feels like ****.

 

On a Saturday night he brings a girl over briefly and they leave. I see it, emotionally check out, and plan on asking him to leave the next day when he was planning on signing the rent agreement (Sunday). I assumed he was planning on leaving anyway. I didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to try to have a relationship in a house were they had some sort of relationship with the landlord.

 

On Sunday he takes me out to a restaurant (our favorite, the one where we sort of met) to sign the agreement. Asks me if anything is bothing me. I say no. I'm still very emotionally shut-down. He orders me my favorite platter. We have a conversation, it's all negative and unproductive. I tell him I don't think it's a good idea if he stays, he moves out that same day. I can't watch, ask him to leave the keys on the counter or the mailbox, he says he'll drop them off the next day. I say okay. (My friends say it's an excuse to see me again).

 

The next day he says he's too busy and asks if the weekend it okay. I agree.

 

During the week I am devastated as I'm realizing he had no intentions of leaving, and my friends are all telling me that girl was just to get my attention. I feel like I've ruined everything by assuming the worst (I always tend to assume the worst when it comes to relationshops).

 

So Sunday he comes to drop off the keys. All I can really say is, it went well-ish. On Monday he saw this therapist and stayed for 2 hours instead of 1 and broke down crying. I ask about the girl, and he says he was just angry. He asked me why I didn't ask about her and I said I don't think that way, I don't play games, I just took it at face value and assumed we were over. He says they didn't do anything and that she didn't mean anyting. He holds my hand, progresses to hold me, says we were angry last Sunday and it wasn't a good day for discussion. He says he missed this (hand-holding) all week. He talks more about his past (it was very painful) and says he's not sure he can handle a relationship. He says he wants to leave off on a better note. We end up sleeping together, because I keep realizing more and more about how much I care about him and want to help him through his troubles. Trust me, he wouldn't be my first pick, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Whenever he smiles I light up like a Christmas tree.

 

Here's my trouble. He calls it break-up sex but says 'this last week was the longest we've ever not talked to each other' as if the previous Sunday wasn't a break-up but simply a fight and huge miscommunication/misunderstanding. He also insists, once halfway through the night and once before the leaves, to contact him as soon as he has more mail at my place. I tell him this is hard on me and I missed him all week. He says something along the lines of you never know the future.

 

So-- I'm incredibly confused. In so many ways he's flawed. He's still a bit emotionally immature (although he has moments of extreme self-awareness and awareness of a situation) and is seeing a therapist, which I think is amazing. Throughout the whole time he's been vascillating between committing to me, and wanting to casually date other people (he hasn't dated in 3 years). Everyone finds it funny that he keeps finding reasons to keep in contact, yet I find it very frustrating that he's inconsitent with his actions (which he's admitted to and apologized for).

 

The heart wants what the heart wants. I've never felt more strongly about anyone before, and things don't seem 'done.' The next time I see him will be when he gets mail and comes to get it, which will probably be next week. What should I do? Should I suggest an open relationship? Go NC for a while and hope the feelings are strong enough that he comes back? We have no mutual friends to keep us in the same circles as life moves forward. I don't feel like I'm being played/used, I just feel like he's unsure of what he wants his life to be and likes me enough to like spending time with me. When I tried to give him some vouchers out of a fundraising book I had bought, he said we should do one of the activities as our last thing togeher sometime next week. Immediately I said no because I knew I would be sad the whole time. But was it just a ruse to rekindle something?

 

What should I do when I see him next? This time apart is really putting things in perspective for me, and I don't feel like we're terrible for each other. In fact, when we 'broke up' at the restaurant, he looked down and said we would have been really great together. There is definitely feelings on both sides, but I feel the moving in together killed the natural organic progression of things. Because he called it 'break-up' sex, I'm afraid that things are truly over on his side. What should I say the next time I see him to give us the best chance of rekindling us? I'm not angry, just sad.

[snowangel97]

I'm sorry you're going through this and it seems like you're very confused as to what steps you should take next. It sounds like this was a very fast paced and very intense relationship. I've had friends in the past that were in similar situations. Either they or the guy always seemed to find a way to keep communication open, but never a true relationship. For all of them, they finally chose to walk away and give each other some space. Then, they were truly able to evaluate whether or not this relationship was right for them. Let me ask you- Do you see this going somewhere longterm? If you do, then maybe some space to make sure that you both feel that way would be good. You also mentioned that he sees a therapist. If you chose to stay together, do you think having some form of couples therapy would be beneficial? Just some thoughts! I will keep you all in my prayers!

[piranha]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! That means a lot to me.

 

Yes, I'm very confused. I've had an intense relationship in the past, and thought it was painful as all hell, looking back I am glad it never worked out and it definitely brought to light a lot of my youth and inexperience and insecurities.

 

This started off at an excellent and organic pace until he moved in. Unfortunately we met and he agreed to move in BEFORE we started dating, so it was already in the stars. We both haven't dated in three years, and his ended badly (he wanted to marry her) and so did mine (my ex wanted to marry me, I said no.) Both of us were in three-year relationships as well! So we have similar experiences.

 

I do see this long-term. In fact, it's very encouraging to finally meet someone I could see myself marrying (at 30 years old I hadn't yet met anyone and I was becoming discouraged and wondering if I was committment-phobic without my knowing). With him though, I care so much about him as a human being so naturally and his flaws don't bother me, and I would definitely be very willing to go to couples counseling and work through anything with him.

 

The only thing that upsets me, is when he's feeling upset he resorts to game-playing (bringing a girl over, joking as we're food shopping that he could meet his girlfriend at any moment, etc etc) and when I told him it upset me last Sunday, he said he had always just been joking. But I don't think it's funny. I'm thinking some space might be best so let him grow up a little bit and be more considerate of my feelings.

 

I think part of our demise was we didn't date long enough until he moved in, and it threw us into a place of premature committment that we weren't ready for and we both pushed back.

 

Has any of the intense relationships of your friends ever worked out after taking some time out?

[snowangel97]

Yes they have. It seemed like the time apart did them a world of good. I would also say, if and when, you all get back together to take it slow. Like you said, moving in together put you into a place of premature commitment. I'm kind of an old fashioned girl and so I truly believe dating for a significant period of time helps you to really get to know each other. Make sure you have strong & open communication with each other during this time. Ask each other the tough questions and make sure you are right for each other. I'm glad to hear you are open to counseling, especially if you see this becoming a life long relationship. I know Focus on the Family has counselors you can talk to free of charge (855-382-5433). It might be worth giving them a call just to get some more outside advice. They might be able to give you some more tips and resources to help you all go forward! Hugs and prayers! Good luck!

[piranha]

How long were they apart on average, snowangel?

[snowangel97]

It varied- some were 6 months while some were more than a year.